I could kill for a vodka and coke

or anything else that could give the same effect and take away this headache for a little while. Unfortunately living in this house means a permanant headache is almost guaranteed. It's an entirely different type of pain from the migraines, I am almost used to those now since I have had them almost constantly since I got pregnant. These headaches are caused by stress, they make my head feel like it's being crushed in a vice and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight as long as we live here. Do you know what it feels like to get up every single day and spend every waking hour being lectured and shouted at, listening to constant bitching and complaining and not even having the most basic freedoms. It's absolutely soul destroying and endless because you go around in circles. My days have been going something like this, at night I am awake. I spend hours and hours either laying in my bed tossing and turning because I can't settle. Sometimes its the pain that keeps me awake and sometimes it's just the stress from the day and being too wound up to sleep. Every night I end up crying into my pillow because I just can't face the thought of another day of it. Then by the time the sun comes up I am too exahusted to stay awake anymore. I fall into a restless sleep, I toss and I turn and I have really bad nightmares. Then I get up and it starts the second I walk down the stairs with Nan complaining, the compaints vary but the whining tone and the endless shouting and stomping about don't. The original intention was usually to get some food but knowing that it will cause the argument about dishes, followed by me offering to do them and it turning into another argument I no longer feel hungry or I end up getting something like chocolate out of the fridge. Eventually I reach the point where I no longer feel able to listen anymore and I turn around and go back upstairs. If Mark's home I try and pass on the various complaints about him from Nan and it usually turns into an argument. My tactics vary from not listening to his responses, arguing back, begging him to please just do what she asks, pleading with him to be different, listening to what he has to say and partially agreeing with him but wishing he would be different anyway so I could get some peace and feeling so overwhelmed by it all I burst into tears. If he's not in I have to sit here and try and calm down all by myself. Try to breathe deep and resist the urge to sob my heart out. I try and force myself to get ready to get Lukas from school just to get out of the house for a little while. I struggle to walk to school and back and spend the net few hours in pain and feeling ill. I argue with Lukas about getting changed out of his school uniform while she moans about having to do the washing. I bite my tongue because its just not worth the effort of arguing anymore. Eventually after much shouting/begging or threatening punishments Lukas does get changed, she puts the washing on and I retreat back to my bedroom with my headache. I manage to bribe Lukas with the laptop or the cartoons so I can get a few minutes peace and quiet before I have to go and make dinner. Lukas whines and says he's hungry and I know that I can't put off going downstairs any longer. We decide what he wants today and I go and make it. I have to try and have it all done and dishes downstairs before 7pm or I have to listen to the argument about her wanting to watch her programmes, again my offers to do the dishes just get met with more whining and complaining. Anything that needs to be cooked has to be bought back upstairs and microwaved in his bedroom. We alternate between cooked stuff and easy stuff like tortilla wraps with ham and cereal. I keep snacks for Lukas up in our room so I can give him those and avoid another trip downstairs. In the short space of time it takes for me to make his dinner or grab the stuff to bring back up I have to listen to another round of whining and complaining from her. I manage to escape back upstairs with the excuse of having to bath Lukas. Bathtime comes with its own set of problems but they aren't for talking about today. Through the evening its inevitable that there will be things I need to go downstairs for, knowing that each time I do I will have to listen to her again. I try and avoid them for as long as possible I used to try the tactic of going out of my way to talk to her and be nice to her, but i've learnt that silence is the best option. Every word I say fuels more arguing from her. She refuses to hear what I say anyway so why waste the time and energy making the effort. This goes on until she goes to bed somewhere between 11pm and 11:30pm. When she comes to bed I go in to try and say goodnight. I end up standing their sorting pillows, listening to yet more complaining, and doing all the other nightly stuff. Usually when she goes to bed Lukas is still awake because I just couldn't face arguing with him to go to sleep. I know he gets up good for school regardless of what time he goes to bed. I just have to make sure he's asleep before Mark comes home from work to avoid another argument. Mark is supposed to finish work at midnight sometimes it's earlier and usually he ends up going to tescos on the way home. By the time he gets home I am barely managing to stay awake. I am fed up and emotional and then he comes in puts whatever sport he decides he wants to watch that night on and starts playing the laptop. I try and ask him about work and he usually ignores me, some nights I am so frustrated by the day I try and talk to him about that which starts yet another argument. More often than not I have to beg him to turn off the laptop or the playstation because I want to spend some time with him. While he could sit there and do that for hours more the minute I try and talk to him I am met with the sound of snoring. You might be wondering why I haven't mentioned my own medical issues, its because they just get thown into the mix, every single day is like this I deal with it regardless of my own issues. All of this in in addition to the depression and the crazy emotions, the pregnancy related crap and the fears about having another baby. Its a lonely existance because I avoid talking on message boards or to online friends because I just feel too sad to care anymore. I try and scrap when I am in my room to take my mind off it and frequently end up staring at the blank canvas or saving a layout as a work in progress. Some of them have only photos, some a paper or two and nothing more. They sit in the folder destined to be ignored because I just don't know what to do with them. The worst part is I can see no way out, if I try and leave it will cause more arguments because people will say I can't leave her alone. The longer I stay here the worse my marriage becomes. I spend all of my time with Lukas trying not to snap at him or leaving him to amuse himself because I just need some peace. I try and do things to avoid arguments and end up feeling worse, I get frustrated because my medical issues leave me feeling so useless. Everything is just so hard and it's going to get harder soon because a baby is going to be thrown into the mix. Sunday we are supposed to be taking Lukas to Legoland as a special treat before the baby comes, apart from the normal issues we have I currently have a chest infection and an ear infection in both ears so my balance is off. She's been ill today but that's a whole other post so no doubt I will have to listen to the endless lectures from other people about how I shouldn't be leaving her alone. I can't delay taking Lukas because I am worried about the baby, we already know he's going to be premature and on past experience my labours are never predictable. I just don't feel like I can win anymore. I am constantly caught in the middle and struggling to cope.

Sometimes words elude me

Last night I tried to write a post so I could show you the layouts I have made, but I ended up staring at a blank page and eventually giving up and closing it without writing anything. Today was a crazy emotional day and I started writing a post but I was in such a mess it was confusing even me, I guess that's what happens when you have too many things smashing around in your head trying to find some way to escape. I was so incredibly sad and miserable earlier nothing was making any sense, I was fed up with Mark and Nan and life in general, sick of the computer issues and just too tired to deal with any of it. Then someone did something for me that made me feel incredibly lucky and blessed, i'm not ashamed to admit she bought tears to my eyes. All it took a simple act of kindness and someone to spend a little time and effort to change my whole perspective on things. She didn't magic away all of my problems but she reminded me that it's the little things that make everything else worth it. I know it sounds silly and I am a bit of a hormonal idiot at the moment but it really is as simple as something one person considers tiny can make a huge difference to someone else. I suppose I should stop rambling now and show you those 3 layouts. 2 of them were done on Sunday and the other was from yesterday and is part of a little project I am working on for Lukas which I will be happy to show you when it's done.
The first 2 were both created for template challenges (18 and 19)at Elemental Scraps, the second one also happens to work for the April Font Challenge at Scrap Orchard.

Credits: Layered template (Template Challenge 19) by Chrissy W, April Showers (April 09 Mega Kit) contributions by Jennifer Barrette, Leslie Bodoh, Meredith Cardall, Erin Keith, Angie Kovacs, Lucky Smith and Theres Kubitz (TheresK), Wordart by Bethany Harty (Elegant Wordart) and Spell It Plastic Beads by Kim Jensen.

Enabling: April Showers Mega Kit available here, Wordart by Bethany Harty (Elegant Wordart) available here and Spell It Plastic Beads by Kim Jensen available here. All the details for the template challenge including the download link can be found here. 


Credits: Layered template (Template Challenge 18) by Chrissy W, Boy Trouble (January 09 Mega Kit) contributions by Sherri Tierney, Chrissy W, Leah Riordan, Erin Keith, Pamela Donnis, Jill Van Dijk (Juno Designs) and Scraps By Shilo, Falling For You (September 08 Mega Kit) contributions by Shauna Burke Smith (Pineapple Plantation Designs), Franziska Altmann, Becky Vosberg and Ellie Lash and Tattered and Torn by Kami Leonard (Ziggle Designs). Font is 1942 Report.

Enabling: Boy Trouble Mega Kit available here, Falling For You Mega Kit available here, Tattered and Torn by Kami Leonard (Ziggle Designs) available here. All of the template challenge details can be found here, but the template is no longer available for free sorry. 

The last one started as a layout for the current I Can Use That Font challenge at Scrapbook Graphics, I thought I had lost these photos and was so relieved to find them it kind of spiralled into a project lol so far I have picked all the templates I want to use, chosen all of the photos and arranged them and done the majority of the journalling on them. I still have a few things to work out like what papers and elements I want to use. It will eventually be a little hybrid album for Lukas.

Credits: Layered template (Masquerade Ball Set 3, Template A slightly altered) by Hillary Heidelberg and Impressions Of Joy contributions by Iara Gomes Baer (BaersGarten Designs), Ellie Lash, Phuong Ton (Pton Designs), Manuela Zimmerman and Tangie Baxter. Fonts are Surface and Inkburrow.

Journalling reads: One of the best things about being your mum, is having the chance to plan special things to do with you. Even though we have to rely on public transport, we can still find ways to have fun days out as a family. For Christmas decided to take our 1st trip to Gullivers Land. We started our day with a taxi to the coach station, it was too early for the buses to be running. Then we caught the coach to Milton Keynes. Since the coach was running late, we missed the bus we had to catch. Luckily for us we were able to go and have some breakfast and a hot drink in a Subway near the train station. It was a bit confusing trying to work out which bus went where we needed to go but eventually we found it. By the time that we got to Gullivers Land it was really cold and had started to rain, but we refused to let that ruin our day out.

Enabling: Masquerade Ball Set 3 Templates by Hillary Heidelberg available here and Impressions Of Joy Mega Kit available here. 

So I admit it

I've been avoiding you. After my emotional and slightly crazy post I was kind of at a loss with what to say next. I kept hoping I would wake up one morning and all of those thoughts and fears would have gone away. I have moments where I feel better I am able to feel slightly excited about the baby or whatever but I also have very dark moments where I am overwhelmed by terror about it all. I wonder if I can cope with another baby, I question whether it will replace Leo hell since I am being honest I question whether it's going to die like Leo. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in my own emotion and I feel completely and utterly alone. Nan doesn't ever feel like talking and Mark doesn't really listen to me when I do. It's not exactly easy to be sitting here and pouring my heart out to my husband and hearing or turning around to see the only thing he is paying attention to is his stupid computer game. We had a big fight earlier and I completely lost my temper it all got irrational and out of control I guess everything is weighing on my mind and my heart heavier than I care to admit. All I really want at the moment is a little understanding from Mark, just to listen to me and be interested when I try and make an effort to be the mummy I am struggling to be. I try buying clothes for fidget or suggest names and my head is screaming at me that I don't want to do that because it makes everything more real somehow. Trying to talk to Mark about it is hard for me because I can't find the words and because he can't pay attention long enough to just listen I have to repeat myself, once, twice, three times etc and then what started as a calm conversation is now a tear filled hysteria that only makes him roll his eyes and ask me stupid questions like "why are you so grumpy today?". Sometimes I just feel so frustrated at times he is everything I could ever hope for he's loving and supportive and I truly feel like he cares and other times at best he's an insensitive, lazy, annoying jerk and he doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong. I know I love him because if I didn't love him he wouldn't drive me so crazy. Great example of that is last night when he phoned me and said "i'm on my way to the hospital, I think I need a couple of stitches". I was instantly worried and said I would meet him at the hospital, he told me not too and didn't give me any other details about what he had done except say he'd had an accident at work. So I sat here worrying about him until he finally got home. Turns out he had cut his hand at work when he went to A&E they said that glue and steri-strips and then wrapping it up would be the best way to treat it. As for the actual accident that was caused by sheer stupidity on his part he was trying to cut something with a tool not designed for that purpose slipped and sliced his hand. So last night was a late night and not a great one as far as sleep goes, arguing always makes me feel ill so he's gone to work and I am sitting here feeling wiped out, tearful and fed up. He won't be home until about 12:30 tonight so it's lucky for me Lukas is content to play learning games and other stuff on the laptop while I sit here with the television off because my head hurts so bad. I've been working on a little ACDSee tagging I am kind of just hoping that tomorrow will be a much better day all around.

Not the easiest post I have ever written

I am at a bit of a loss as to where to start with this post. I didn't write it yesterday because I didn't feel ready to find the words to be honest I am still not sure now if I am ready to write everything down. There is still a lot of mixed emotion and confusion in my own head about exactly what I do feel. I suppose to most people it would sound a little like I am ranting away like a mad person to myself and that's ok, you can feel free to skip this post and come back when I am slightly more rational I don't mind. I need to write this post for me even if no-one else understands it. As you know I had a hospital appointment followed by my anomaly scan on Monday. When I last posted here I said I was slightly excited about it which was a bit of a contradiction to this post when I kind of admitted some of the things I was scared of. The thing is I wasn't entirely honest even with myself about how strong the emotions I was feeling were, I kind of convinced myself that the baby was going to be a girl and everything was going to work out fine. All of the other thoughts and fears I kind of buried deep inside labelled them not even a possibility worth considering and tried to forget they existed. Ignorance is bliss you know. Then Sunday night I accidently blurted out to Mark that I wasn't quite as confident that things were going to go the way I wanted them to. Even made a comment that if they happened to say something was wrong with the baby I would find it easier to cope with than if they said it was a boy. I know a lot of people will judge me for that but maybe you can reserve that judgement for a few more minutes and let me try and explain. See to me there was never going to be any possibility of getting rid of this baby. If they told us there was something wrong with the baby like a disability or something that wouldn't be reason for us to terminate the pregnancy, we would cope with whatever the problem was, because this was still our baby and it would be loved and cared for. Now for most people the general statement they make even if they do have a genuine preference for one sex over the other is "I don't care what it is as long as it's healthy". Of course I wanted the baby to be healthy but I would have been ready to accept any problems that it came with. Ideally I wanted a healthy baby girl, a disabled or sick baby girl would have been fine too even a disabled or sick little boy would have been bearable because none of those presented the problem of making me face my biggest fear - that this baby would replace Leo. When we went for the first scan the doctor asked if we wanted to know the sex, I restrained myself from even rolling my eyes at the stupidity of the question. What I wanted more than anything at that second in time, was for all those doubts inside my head to shut the hell up, wanted the doctor to maker them disappear with the words it's a girl but she didn't she said it was a boy. I told myself that maybe she was wrong and the other scan would say different, yep denial is a very good friend of mine. Then in the anomaly scan they said it was a boy too and there was no more possibility of denying anything. The niggling possibility and fears had suddenly become a reality and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. To make things worse the baby was moving constantly and I felt like he was mocking me, look here I am alive, kicking and in the doctors words "perfect". Everything Leo wasn't. This baby was a boy and he was going to replace my Leo without even trying to. I lost all sense of reason and could only hear that one thought over and over again. He was going to replace Leo, was going to make me forget about Leo. I was just overcome by total panic, the tears kept coming and the hysteria wouldn't go away. For the first time ever I felt myself longing for a seizure to take all of the memories away just for a little while. Everything was out of control and I couldn't cope with all of the things I was feeling. More than anything it was the conflict in myself that by loving this baby I would be betraying Leo. I wanted nothing more than to hate this baby with every ounce of my being. I felt like I couldn't risk letting it into my life at all, that every second it was near me it would be stopping me thinking about Leo or remembering him. Monday was a hard day for everyone when I eventually did fall asleep I kept waking up scared to sleep because of the fear of dreaming. Trying desperately to explain how I was feeling to Mark just to make him understand why I was reacting this way. I was a complete emotional wreck. I have never felt so alone and confused before, I felt like everyone must think I was crazy, I couldn't seem to make them understand why I was so upset. Eventually I think Mark caught onto what I had been trying to explain, knew why I was so freaked out and even though he didn't fully understand he was everything I needed him to be. He was supportive and loving just kept holding me and telling me that nobody could ever replace Leo. He was smart enough to work out that talking about Leo and basically pretending the baby didn't exist was the best approach. I know he was hoping that eventually I would be able to see that too. We spent Tuesday talking and I cried a lot. I spent some time talking to Leo and went out of my way to avoid touching my stomach at all. I suppose part of me was hoping that ignoring the baby would make it go away. I don't think I have ever wanted Leo as badly as I did then. I told Mark not to talk about the baby or refer to him as anything but "It". We had always referred to the baby as Bean before and to me it felt wrong to say that anymore. To me Bean was always my baby girl and as far as I was concerned Bean no longer existed, she had died along with all of my hopes and dreams about this baby. No more daydreaming about pretty dresses and having a daughter of my own. It was so much more than just being disappointed that the baby was a boy. With Lukas and Leo when I found out they were boys I was disappointed but I got over it pretty quickly. I could see the advantage to having boys and there was always the knowledge that we might get a girl "next time". This time I knew there wasn't likely to be a next time, so I felt like all of my dreams of having a little girl were gone. I know in my heart that I would have had the same fears about replacing Leo if the baby was a girl but I also know they wouldn't have been as bad because there was never going to be a possibility of it being in blue clothes, reminding me of Leo and pointing out over and over again that he was here and Leo wasn't. I was scared that Lukas would stop talking to and remembering the little brother he already had who wasn't here. Haunted by the idea that when Mark talked about his sons or Nan talked about her great grandsons they would no longer mean Lukas and Leo. It's Wednesday today and while I am still feeling scared I am starting to feel more like myself. I am touching my stomach again and talking about the baby. I am listening to Lukas talk about being excited to be having a baby brother and only pointing out that he already has one, he just lives in heaven. I keep asking Leo to forgive me for loving the baby, I just can't help myself. Mark says he knew that I was incapable of hating anyone let alone our child, he says Leo will understand I'm not sure I agree with either of those statements but I can't seem to do anything about it. Trying to stop myself from wanting and loving this baby is like trying to stop the sun from rising. I changed my mind yesterday about calling the baby "it" that's always felt wrong that's exactly why we always said Bean, we decided that since the baby moves around so much until we decide on a proper name we are going to refer to him as Fidget. I don't expect these feelings to ever go away completely but hopefully we have some time to work on them. We are making some progress, I haven't cried at all today. I still feel like I am fighting with myself over this I don't think I will ever stop feeling scared Leo will be replaced, or feeling guilty for loving the baby but I will find a way to balance it all out. Anyway this has gotten really long and probably confusing sorry, I have to go and get Lukas to bed. I will try and get back tomorrow to tell you about the hospital appointments and maybe I will even feel like sharing the scan photos with you and maybe even a layout if I can manage one.

Sundays are hard work!

I will admit that the day didn’t really start off great Nan did something to her television and had nothing but a black screen. She left a note for Mark to try and fix it and he woke me up telling me that he thought the tube or something had gone in it. I wasn’t really happy at being woken up to be told that or with the fact that I was going to have to hear about it being broken from Nan all day. To make things worse I was really hurting this morning everywhere was stiff and all of my muscles ached. Mark said he was going to Tesco for a few things and I decided to rearrange all the pillows to try and find a little relief while Lukas watched a film on the Disney Channel. For some reason unknown to me Lukas decided it would be a smart idea to pull the pillow I was laying on out from under my head for his doll. I managed to do something to my neck and whacked my shoulder on the wall to say I was not amused would be an understatement. When Mark got back I wasn’t exactly in the best of moods so he thought that it might be a good idea to escape to the garden to mow the grass and take Lukas with him while I had a long hot bath all by myself. I don’t often have baths on my own since the heat tends to make me dizzy especially when I am pregnant, the hospital always advise that someone stays in the room. But since I was mad at both Mark and Lukas I just wanted some peace and quiet so I left the window open and promised to get straight out if I felt strange. People underestimate just how special some very hot water, gorgeous smelling bath stuff and some privacy are. My muscles hurt a lot less after the bath, but my neck was still bugging me. While I was in the bath Nan came home from work and somehow Conor managed to fix her television which I was very relieved and happy about. While Lukas and Mark finished off the garden I took some time to catch up on a few computer things and even spent some time playing games online at Pogo. When Mark came in I asked him if we could clear underneath the bed today. He moved the mattress onto the landing and then unscrewed the slats to give us some more room to work. A couple of hours and two huge black sacks later the bottom of the bed was finally clean and swept out. Lukas has a box of toys to sort out another day that went back under the bed and the building bricks have finally been returned to their home. We even managed to clear off the majority of one of the shelves in our canvas storage unit (originally intended as a computer desk its basically a hold everything in here lol). The things we need from it have a new home in the underbed storage drawer and the other bits and pieces including wires and plugs have found more suitable homes. While I was clearing off the top of the printer I came across the Ben 10 DS game we have spent the last few months looking for so I now have a very happy little boy. There is still a lot to do in here to make it appear sorted out enough to stop Nan moaning (even if it really isn’t) but it feels like we are starting to make some dents in it all. I feel content because I have gotten a fair amount of computer organising done as well. I am getting a little excited about my scan tomorrow, I am hoping that we can go and pick up something in the right colour afterwards. It’s going to seem so long until it’s time to leave tomorrow, Lukas is supposed to go back to school tomorrow but obviously he is having the day off to come with me instead and going back on Tuesday. He’s not exactly thrilled about the idea of going back to school lol but that’s just too bad. Anyway I suppose I better wrap this up for now, I don’t have anything to show you today sorry.

What is it about Saturdays

that inspires people to go and mow the grass? That's all we seem to have heard all morning is other people's lawn mowers. It's not that I object to them doing it but it's hot in here because we had to close the windows because the grass was making me and Lukas sneeze so much. Hopefully they will be done soon and I can reopen both the windows. While I have been sat here I was inspired to do a little bit of shopping for the baby, just some basic essentials in white. Fingers crossed I can place a second order with some colour in it after my scan in Monday lol, they have the cutest little pink dress that I have fallen in love with and can't wait to buy. Yesterday I managed to get one layout finished that I started the othr day and another one started that I finished off this morning. It feels good to have done some scrapping again and I am hoping that maybe I will get a layout done today as well. Lukas is playing games on the laptop and Mark has just left for work. We are looking forward to tomorrow because it's Mark's day off. Even though he will probably spend the whole day watching pot it's nice when he's around, me and Lukas miss him when he is at work. I have to admit the main reason I look forward to him being home is being able to go to bed whenever I want and not having to wait up until 12:30-1am for him to get home. Sundays are also great because there's no obnoxious postman banging on the door waking me up like he did this morning. He did have a small parcel I have been waiting for but I still don't think it was necessary for him to knock so loud or so many times. Anyway I suppose I better show you those layouts and then go and get caught up on some other bits and pieces I have to do. The first one started out being for a challenge at Sweet Shoppe Designs but I didn't get it finished in time so it ended up being just a pregnancy related layout.

Credits: Layered template (SSD Cookie Exchange 08) By Lizzy Reiber aka lizzyfizzy, Borderline Odd by Bree Clarkson and Mommy Modern by Amanda Slagle (Mandabean). Fonts are CK Cursive and DJB Jennifer by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: As someone who has spent almost my entire life hating my body and feeling fat, I never thought I would see the day where I was pleased that none of my clothes were fitting properly anymore. But after two miscarriages it makes me so happy to see I am starting to look more pregnant, looking in the mirror and seeing that little bump starting to show tells me this time things are different. I can feel the baby kicking and moving around all the time and its while that’s great for me, it’s even better when other people especially Lukas and Mark have a way to see that this little one is growing and getting ready to join our little family.

Enabling: Borderline Odd by Bree Clarkson available here, Mommy Modern by Amanda Slagle (Mandabean) available here, CK Cursive font available here and DJB Jennifer font by Darcy Baldwin available here. The template was a freebie from the SSD Cookie exchange that took place in December last year.

The second one was created for the current template challenge at The Digi Chick.

Credits: Layered template (13th April Template Challenge @ TDC) by Nicole Seitler, Summer Celebration contributions by Cinnamon Designs, Cinzia Loosemore, Andrea Burns, Kaye Winiecki, Karah Fredricks, Andrea Burns and Mira Designs and Pass The Pepperoni by Misty Cato. Fonts are DJB Summer (included in collab) by Darcy Baldwin and FO Howie's Stamps Lowfat by Fontologie.

Journalling reads: Since you were sick for your real birthday, we celebrated with an unbirthday party. We had Ella and Conor over for pizza and cake.

Enabling: Summer Celebration collab kit available here, Pass The Pepperoni by Misty Cato available here and all the details about the template challenge including download link can be found here. The fontologie font doesn't seem to be available for sale at the moment sorry.

From Our Blog To Yours – Even the economy can’t make me give up…

This time around the prompt was to talk about the one thing that even on a tight budget you would be unwilling or unable to give up. I have to admit that for us there isn’t really much spare cash around anyway, we don’t tend to do much because of me being ill all the time so there isn’t really many things we would consider luxuries/things we could do without. Digital Scrapbooking is a vice of mine, even when I am not really scrapping much I can’t seem to stop myself from buying certain kits that appeal to me. It kind of makes me happy to buy pretty things and to imagine layouts I could do using them even when I don’t get around to actually doing the layouts lol. When we are planning to take a trip or use the money for a bigger purchase I stay away from the digital stores. I don’t consider it an addiction since I can do without it, it’s more a habit that comes from boredom than anything else. Now Mark has an addiction to coke, that is all he will drink and with the amount he drinks it does get to be quite expensive. I would probably say the amount he spends on coke and junk food is equal to what I spend on scrapbooking stuff some months. But I also think until we can’t afford to do this that it really isn’t a problem. I don’t think we will ever be the kind of people who have the ability to save money, when we have money it gets spent on something. Maybe things will change when we have a house of our own and we have to be more careful with money but for now these little vices help to make life a little brighter and that’s not a bad thing.

OMG

Once you become a parent you know it’s inevitable that at some point your kids will say or do something and you will wish the ground would open up and swallow you. At that exact moment in time you either want to kill them or kill yourself laughing even if it is highly inappropriate. Usually it doesn’t matter exactly what they did because at some point you see the funny side of it. Maybe not until much much later and maybe only in the privacy of your own home or the homes of close friends or family but you do. I am sitting here at the moment blushing because of one of these moments and trying so hard not to laugh out loud while trying to tell Lukas off for doing it. For as long as I can remember he has always told us he needed to go “ploppies” when he needed to use the bathroom. Since it’s usually just us and he always leaves it until he is just about to poop his pants it’s pretty common for us to see him starting to take off his shorts before he gets to the bathroom. Only today he hasn’t managed to get dressed thanks to the broken heating in the house, it’s a bit like a greenhouse in here so I let him keep his pyjamas on because they are cooler. Did I mention he doesn’t usually wear pants to bed since he isn’t coordinated enough to pull down more than one thing when he is half asleep. Can you guess where this is going yet? The nice man who is here to fix the heating was on the landing changing a part on the boiler when Lukas decided he needed to go. Lukas opens the bedroom door while pulling his shorts down and accidently flashes the heating guy while loudly announcing, “I need to go ploppies” at the top of his voice. Obviously our reaction is to instantly shout and tell him to shut the door and stop announcing it to everyone and he’s frozen like a deer in headlights with his pants around his ankles. We finally got him to pull his pants up and shut the door and I sent Mark to take him to the toilet. So then he starts asking why he can’t go by himself like he usually does and we are trying to whisper and explain that there are tools and pieces of the boiler everywhere, there is a ladder blocking the hallway and it’s really not nice to tell everyone that you need to go ploppies lol. I know it’s bizarre but it’s times like these I am glad I am his mummy. Sure we are slightly embarrassed but it’s always fun to never know exactly what to expect from Lukas. Life is certainly never dull when he is around and he always manages to make me giggle lol.

Has it really been almost 2 weeks

since Lukas has been to school? It really doesn’t feel like he has been home that long. Maybe it’s because I like having him at home with me, maybe it’s because we have spent the time chilling out and not really doing much and all the days kind of mush together or perhaps it’s just because today it’s finally dawning on me how much things are going to change once we have the baby in the house. When I was laying in my bed this morning feeling crappy, Lukas was content to just lay beside me and have cuddles while watching cartoons. I love how easy he is to please and how even as big as he is he just loves to be held and loved. As I was laying there my mind started to wonder and I started thinking maybe once the baby comes these times with him will be a thing of the past. Maybe having the baby around will be just like it was when we used to have Josh to stay, lots of early morning and wanting just 5 minutes of peace and quiet. He was never content to watch cartoons or be cuddled. As much as I hate to say it once our babies came home from hospital we have always had it pretty easy. They were more than content as long as they were being cuddled, fed and loved. Lukas has always been the kind of kid who prefers to be left to his own devices. Josh used to need constant supervision and I used to spend a lot of time trying to keep him amused so he wouldn’t hurt Lukas or break things. When I had Lukas and Leo things were a lot more relaxed. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified that this baby will be nothing like Lukas and Leo were. I’m so tired lately I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that this baby could need constant attention, it could cry constantly or be a sicky baby. It’s been so long that I feel like I have forgotten what having a baby is like and I am doubting my own abilities to be a mother. I don’t know if these feelings are down to hormones, or being ill or even just terror of the unknown but I feel very edgy and emotional. It’s not like it’s even something I can talk about with Mark (because he doesn’t listen) or anyone else (because I am ashamed). When Leo died I was desperate to have a baby, I just wanted the ache in my heart to go away a little bit, but now that we are actually going to have that baby I so desperately wanted I have almost done a complete 180. Instead of wanting a baby to fill the huge void Leo left I am worried that the baby will make me forget him, that it will replace him. That’s one of the reasons I am hoping so much for a girl, because a girl would be a completely different thing with no remote possibility of being a Leo replacement. There are a lot of things going through my head at the moment and I am struggling to work through them. Things we so much simpler the other times I was pregnant, in my mind all I had to do was get through the pregnancy and then the SCBU stay and everything would work out fine. I could only do my best and I had faith that I would never make any serious mistakes that would hut them. Then Leo died and I have spent a lot of time with the what if’s and the wondering if there was anything I could have done differently to still have him here with me. I keep trying to tell myself that I haven’t done that bad of a job with Lukas, he is happy and content but I know there are a lot of things I could have done better, I know that me being ill has changed things and made everything harder. Yesterday I had to cancel my midwife appointment because I felt too ill to go out. After all the hassle Mark went through to get the day off to go with me, I made the effort to get me and Lukas ready to walk out the door and then I just couldn’t do it. I came over all flushed and dizzy and in lots of pain and I telephoned Mark to let him know and by the time he got home I was fast asleep. I am kind of moving about like a little old lady today because it’s raining and all of my joints are stiff and sore and I guess I just feel like a big fat failure. I am a 24 year old pregnant mum things shouldn’t be this hard. I have online friends with more kids, jobs, and who are further pregnant with bigger babies and they seem to still be able to manage to stay on top of things and keep their houses clean and do things with their other kids. Some of them even manage to do all of this all on their own with no partner. *sigh* the thing is I know things could be so much worse and I know that all I can ever hope to do is my best but right now it feels like my best is nothing more than a huge disappointment to everyone including me.

I don’t do mornings!

and I think someone needs to remind my lovely husband of that fact, since he managed to wake both me and Lukas up this morning when he went to work. Did I mention he started work at 7am today because he’s finishing at midday so he can come to my midwife appointment with me so when he woke us up it was somewhere between 6 and 6:30 this morning. Me and Lukas tried really hard to go back to sleep but had given up on it by 7:10am and ended up watching Lilo and Stitch on the Disney channel again. I suppose I should also add that last night Lukas was complaining he didn’t feel well and ended up throwing up everywhere and I seem to have picked up yet another virus or something from somewhere since my tummy is very upset and I am running a really high temperature. So last night was a lot of fun even with all the windows open I still fell asleep feeling hot and miserable and Lukas fell asleep with a fan blowing on him. Lukas has had a bowl of cereal this morning and seems to not be feeling ill apart from a headache. I feel rough lol have a really bad headache, I ache absolutely everywhere and I am feeling really hot and thirsty I have already finished 2 litres of squash this morning. It’s also nasty damp weather outside which doesn’t help because it always makes me stiff and grumpy. Hopefully the midwife appointment will be straight forward and quick and I can come home and maybe have a nap. Right now I would just settle for a few minutes of not feeling so hot maybe some paracetamol will help, now if I can only remember where I put it lol. I better go and make some more squash as well *sigh* I hate being ill.

Could that be carpet I see?

It's been a very long weekend here, Mark has been very busy working on the bedroom and we are finally starting to see an improvement. One of the biggest things was moving Lukas's bed into a new spot. It gives us a lot more floor space and he seems a lot happier with the bed's new position than he was with where we had it before. There is still a lot left to do and while Mark is out I am supposed to be working on the huge pile of clothes that need to be put away, but I had a lot of computer stuff to catch up on first. Lukas has gone out with Ella, I believe they are going for a happy meal. Ella been here playing in the garden while Lisa has been at work so I haven't really seen much of him today. Easter really ended up being a bit of a bust, we never got around to having the Easter Egg hunt Lukas wanted but he didn't mind too much. I seem to have a creative block as far as scrapping goes lately. I keep opening Photoshop and then closing it again without doing anything or spending ages only to end up closing whatever I was working on because it's just not going the way I want it to. It's frustrating but I know eventually I will feel like scrapping again. I have been working a lot on trying to organize files instead. I keep hoping I will come across something I have forgotten about that will inspire me to create. Today is my brother Gavin and my Grandad's birthday, tomorrow I have a midwife appointment and then Monday is the hospital and scan appointments. Anyway I don't really have anything else to say today so I am going to love you and leave you and hopefully go and get something done before Mark and Lukas get home.

From Our Blog To Yours - Which Easter Candy Are You?

The from our blog to yours prompt this time is a quiz and since I have nothing else to write about and nothing to show you I figured it was a good way to get another sweet reward point while I am waiting for some other things to finish up.

You Are a Chocolate Bunny

A traditionalist, you secretly want to dress up like a bunny. And not just on Easter.

What Easter Candy Are You?

I'll be back later Lukas has gone out with Nan and I am kind of undecided about what I am going to do, I have a huge to-do list but the bed is looking so inviting lol.

What's so good about Good Friday?

Yesterday I felt much better than I have for a while, I was feeling a lot more happy and looking forward to getting some stuff done. Everything was fine when Mark first came in and then somehow an argument started. I got upset and stressed out and ended up feeling worse than I have done for a while. I was hoping that after some sleep I would feel better, but if anything I feel worse. I slept badly last night and had nightmares again, my eyes are swollen and red from crying and I just can't be bothered with anything today. I wasn't expecting today to be a great day anyway since it's Ambrose's anniversary and my brother Darren's birthday. I never quite realise how far New Zealand is until it comes to things like his birthday. I left him a message on Facebook wishing him a happy birthday but it's not really the same. I wish I was organized enough to remember to get a card and post it in time for him to get it, but I am just not. I'm sure he will have a great day with his fiancee and her family and more than likely friends he has made over there but that doesn't stop me missing him. I miss all my brothers and sisters I just never feel well enough to make the effort to be involved in their lives. I guess today is just going to be one of those down days. It's almost 3pm and neither me or Lukas have even managed to get dressed yet. Mark will be home from work in 4 hours time and no doubt another argument will start when he sees that neither of us are dressed and we have done nothing at all today. Nan's not in the best of moods either so me and Lukas are choosing to stay up in our room, watch disney movies and play on the computers. It does feel weird that we haven't bought any easter eggs this year. I haven't been anywhere to buy any for anyone and we usually don't get eggs for Lukas since he doesn't eat them. I usually get him some chocolate and sweets of his choice and something to play with. Nan gave him money so he can get something he wants. When we were kids we always got given our Easter Eggs on Good Friday but didn't really do anything else as far as Easter was concerned since we aren't really religious. I always wish that I was able to make a bigger deal out of Easter with Lukas but it always seems to work out that I am ill and we end up doing nothing at all. I am still hoping we might be able to have a small easter egg hunt with him on Sunday or Monday. Anyway I suppose I should go and see if I can get anything at all done today.

Feeling better

After being awake all night feeling rotten, this morning I was feeling strangely good and very hungry lol. Mark thinks I am weird because what I felt like eating was chicken soup and toast he says that's not breakfast. I kind of couldn't resist pointing out to him that as far as my body was concerned it was more like dinner lol. I snuggled up in bed for a cuddle with Lukas and fell fast asleep. Mark's working a different shift today, but Nan had already told me yesterday that she would be in all day if I was feeling ill Lukas could stay downstairs with her. When he went downstairs this morning I was expecting an hour or two of sleep at the most before he wanted something or Nan did. I never ever thought that I would sleep for the whole day and to be fair only wake up when I did because I needed the toilet lol. I am stiff all over from sleeping so soundly but I obviously needed it because I haven't felt this normal in a long time. Mark will be home soon so I am hoping I might be able to do some tidying up and put some clothes away. Since I have to sit on the floor to do either of those things thanks to the pain across my stomach, I am slightly worried that I might not be able to get up again all by myself because of my ribs and whatever I have done to my back. So while I am waiting for Mark I am trying to decide which computer task I have to do would be mosty likely to be finished before he gets home. It's tempting to scrap a layout but I am not sure what I want to scrap lol. I have so missed having the choices between doing one thing or the other and not being confined to only doing things that require no thought, energy or movement on my part lol. Lukas want's an Easter Egg Hunt this weekend I might have to go and pick up some plastic eggs since I can't remember where I put the other ones I had lol. I better go and do something useful like dinner maybe lol.

Like the new look?

I was getting a little bit fed up of the cold looking colours on here, and since I couldn't sleep because of the pain, I decided tonight was a good a time as any to finally get around to giving the blog a more springy wardrobe lol. I have lots of different blogs sets, the original intention was to change the theme every month when I changed my desktop, but even I know that was an unrealistic goal. I have a generic John Cena one on the desktop and the one on the laptop is currently from February lol. I'm very strange in that I buy blog themes and then recolour them or tweak them because I don't want something lots of other people have. Changing out the blog decorations from one thing to another is quite simple when you have done it a few times. But it still seems to take me a few hours to have everything done to my liking. I am getting quicker though so maybe I will change it a bit more frequently from now on, but I wouldn't hold your breath on that one lol. Redecorating the blog is the only thing I have managed to do today, apart from sleep. But I can't be bothered to whine about being sick today, it's almost 7am and I want to try and get a few hours sleep before Mark and Lukas get up. I will leave you with a new layout that I did last the other night when I couldn't sleep and I will be back later.

Credits: Layered template (Santa Baby Template) by Sine and Santa Baby (December 08 Mega Kit) contributions by Shauna Burke Smith (Pineapple Plantation Designs), Becky Vosberg and Annick Philibert. Font is 2Peas Hot Chocolate.

Journalling reads: Just before you go to bed on Christmas Eve, we go downstairs and make a little snack for Santa and his reindeer. We always start with a christmas themed napkin and 2 plastic cups. We place magic reindeer food in one and water in the other. Then we add a carrot from the fridge and finally we select a snack for Santa this year we decided that instead of mince pies he might like custard cream biscuits., usually we add a drink for Santa too. All that’s left to do is add a little card and put it outside ready for them.

Enabling: Santa Baby December 08 Mega Kit is available here at Scrap Orchard.

You know those days

where you know you have done a lot of things that need to be done, but to everyone else it looks like you have done absolutely nothing all day well today has been one of those days. I have been organizing some files, tagging in ACDSee and generally cleaning up the computer. I know that what I have done will save me a lot of time when I want to scrap with the items, and I also know that I have removed a lot of useless files and freed up space on the computer I just wish that there was a way to validate how I have spent my time to other people. There’s no finished product to show them and since I have been organising specific files I want to use later in the week it’s not like I have even made computer space anyone would notice. It’s kind of frustrating that a lot of the things I do have no visible evidence for the want of a better term. If I felt better I could get up and start doing some of the other important things and I wouldn’t have to listen to the comments about “doing nothing” and “wasting time”. Since I don’t have the energy to do anything at the moment I kind of end up doing the things I can do while sitting down like watching television with Lukas, playing games on the laptop with him, reading to him or like today letting him play on the laptop all by himself while I sit here and organise files. The only other thing I feel capable of doing right now is laying in my bed and sleeping. I like to think that at least organizing files is useful even if it only of use to me lol. I often wish I had spent some time properly organizing files when I first started scrapping instead of always trying to make a dent in the huge mess I have ended up with. Maybe one day I will finally be able to find a way that I can stay on top of it all, right now I would be happy just to have something in my life organized it’s so hard to live surrounded by chaos and mess. Mark is off work tomorrow and I made him promise he will tackle Lukas’s bedroom. He has been promising to start it for a while. It was Nan’s bright idea to have Conor’s old bed in there, it’s a metal frame with a high bunk bed and a pull out sofa underneath. In theory it’s not a bad idea it’s just in practice it leaves practically no space at all and even when his room is tidy (not very often I admit), it still looks messy and overcrowded. That always leads to Nan complaining about the mess and then me feeling fed up. We have plans to buy him a new bed that has under bed storage but before we do that we need to spend a lot of time getting rid of some of the “stuff” that’s in there. It’s hard because the room is tiny anyway and Lukas has so many toys and books and other bits and pieces. Add in the fact that we also have to have a microwave in there to cook in (because Nan doesn’t like us using the one downstairs, it’s a long story), we are currently using the shelving unit we put up to store food and things on so we don’t have to drag downstairs and bring everything we need to use upstairs and that since Lukas won’t sleep in the bunk bed because he’s terrified of heights and also because he prefers to sleep in my room the bunk bed is currently another place to store things Lukas’s stuff has even less space than normal to fit into. That’s one of the reasons I am desperate for us to have a place of our own. It would be so nice to not have to shove everything we own into two bedrooms, to be able to cook whatever we wanted and not have to rely on microwaving things upstairs that are on the allowed list and to just not have to listen to the endless complaining and moaning from Nan about the mess. I often feel like she doesn’t appreciate that I feel too ill to do things, Mark works 5 days a week until midnight and that we are trying to fit so much stuff into such a small amount of space. She’s always saying we should get rid of stuff but the problem is we need most of it. Our bedroom is a office/living room/bedroom/dining room we are in here all day everyday and Lukas’s room is a tiny kids room/kitchen/storage area. I keep telling Mark we need to get the housing situation sorted but he just ignores the problem and carries on his own merry way. When Mark is off work he either at his dad’s house doing washing since Nan refuses to do it (that’s a long story too that in the simplest of terms comes back to Mark being a lazy ignorant git lol) or he’s sat around watching the television or playing the computer. I am tired out from begging him to do things I can’t on Sundays when he doesn’t work and him spending the whole day watching sport, ignoring me and Lukas and then causing a row when I point out how little he has done. I am starting to panic a little about how much needs to be done before the baby is born, the more stressed out I get the more useless I become. I hate that I am having issues with my balance again and the dizziness that I had with all my previous pregnancies is so much worse this time around. I want to do things so I don’t have to ask Mark anything and cause a row but I am so limited in what I am able to do. I hate having to depend on Mark for anything, especially stupid things like not even being able to have a bath without supervision. Babies are worth it but that doesn’t mean pregnancy doesn’t suck. *sigh* I just need some decent sleep and enough energy to be useful and I swear I won’t even complain about the pain and discomfort. Being ill is making everything so much harder, and being emotional makes it hard to say anything without it ending up either causing an argument or making me cry. Sorry this has turned into a bit of a rant hasn’t it. I guess I had a lot more on my mind than I thought that I needed to get out. Hopefully tomorrow will be better but since it happens to be both Mark and Nan’s day off I wouldn’t count on it.

Trying something a bit different

I decided to give blogging via Live Writer another try, when I tried to use it before I was having a lot of computer problems and just found it frustrating. I am hoping that being able to blog from here might encourage me to do it a bit more often. Takara Bean’s travel system came this morning, I have it all set up downstairs and Lukas has had a great time pushing the teddy bear around the house in it. It’s slightly heavier than I was expecting it to be, and the colours are slightly different but it’s a great pushchair I can’t wait until I have a teeny baby to put in it lol. I meant to take some photos while we were putting it together but I felt to ill to bother and I haven’t even got around to taking any photos of it set up sorry. I will try and do that tomorrow if I feel any better. I haven’t got anything done today, luckily for me Lukas was more than content to play with Mark earlier so I could get a few hours sleep after being awake all night again, and since Mark has gone to work he’s been really good. I don’t have any layouts to share today and I haven’t really got anything else to say, so I am going to try and convince Lukas that it’s bedtime and hopefully he will go to sleep and then I can too.

Sharing those layouts

Lukas went out for the day yesterday with Ella. I think they started off intending to go and play at Lisa's house but ended up taking him buy some new fish, playing in the garden and taking a trip to the park with Ella's grandad before he finally came home about 8pm last night and needed to get straight into the bath lol. He had a lovely time playing with Ella and it worked out great for me since I have been feeling really unwell all weekend. Since Lukas was so tired after his day out he was content to sit and play the laptop on the bed, while I managed to get a page scrapped on the desktop. I have been really ill today as well, Mark has been trying to do some of the room, he didn't get a great deal done except for taking some clothes to the recycling and Lukas has spent most of the day playing outside in the garden. Nan was babysitting for Ella this evening so Lisa and Gary could go out for a nice meal so Lukas got a playmate for a while again. Since I was sat in bed feeling crappy anyway I decided that I would try and get another page scrapped while we are waiting for it to be time for Wrestlemania 25. Lukas is super excited that he gets to stay up and watch the whole thing and not have to wait to watch the repeat or recording tomorrow. I have 4 layouts in total to show you today, and all of them were created for different challenges. The first one I have to share was created for the treat of the month challenge at Sweet Shoppe Designs this month it's Peppermint you can view her gallery here and read her interview here.

Credits: Layered template (Inspired by Peppermint, Template 4) by Bree Clarkson, Somebunny Loves Her and Somebunny Loves Him (slightly recoloured) by Traci Reed and Froggy Staple Short by Megan Farrow (Flergs).

Enabling: Inspired by Peppermint Templates by Bree Clarkson available here for April only, Somebunny Loves Her and Somebunny Loves Him by Traci Reed available here and here, the staple was a freebie at DST in this post.

The second one was created for the March Recap challenge at Sweet Shoppe Designs, but it also happens to use the current template challenge from Creativity In Orbit.

Credits: Layered template (Blog Challenge 06) by Bree Clarkson, Lucky Stars St Pat's Addon by Heather Roselli and ABC and 123 by Misty Cato. Font is DJB Nicole by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads:March was a strange month for us, it just seemed to fly by without us really doing very much. We had to get used to Mark being back to work full-time after his back injury. We had yet another hospital appointment and were glad to see that Takara Bean is doing great and starting to look like more of a baby than a bean. We celebrated Mother‘s Day with a day trip to London to attend the Chessington World of Adventures annual pass holder day event. It was a great day for all of us, we were so busy having fun we took hardly any pictures. We stayed overnight in the onsite hotel and and enjoyed a quick trip to a local park before catching the train to go and get the coach back home. Lukas had a great time learning all about space at school, he even helped build a moon buggy for the space exhibition. We had a sad ending to the month with the news that Mark‘s Grandmother had died.

Enabling: Lucky Stars St Pat's Addon by Heather Roselli available here, ABC and 123 by Misty Cato available here and DJB Nicole font by Darcy Baldwin available here. You can find all the details for the template challenge including the download link on the Creativity In Orbit blog.

The third one was created for the current template challenge (challenge #9) at Scrap Orchard.

Credits: Layered template (Template Challenge) by Sine, Spooktacular (October 08 Mega Kit) contributions by Irene Alexeeva, Annick Philbert, Becky Vosberg, Amy Brever (Polka Dot Plum), Kami Leonard (Ziggle Designs) and Shauna Burke-Smith (Pineapple Plantation Designs), I'm Felting 03 Styles by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Make Me Vintage Actions by Lauren Barden. Fonts are BodonFriz,96 and DJB Erika by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: Since we usually don’t really do anything special for Halloween I was really excited about taking you to the Hocus Pocous Halloween event at Chessington World Of Adventures. I thought I would have plenty of unique photograph opportunities, and maybe I would finally be able to use some of the themed scrapbook kits I couldn’t resist buying. Unfortunately the weather wasn’t really feeling like cooperating. It rained nearly everyday and almost all of the photo points around the park were damp or muddy, so we didn’t get to take many photographs at all. We still had a lot of fun going on the rides and spending time as a family. Never mind there’s always next year.

Enabling: Spooktacular (October 08 Mega Kit) available here, I'm Felting 03 Styles by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and BodonFriz,96 font available here you can find all the details for the template challenge including the download link here. I can't seem to find the DJB Erika font by Darcy Baldwin in the store, but there are plenty of others including some on sale here.

The last one I have to share was created for the 1st Spin-A-Lift challenge for April at Sweet Shoppe which is always the current Treat Of The Month. I used the Inspired by Peppermint templates by Bree Clarkson again and flipped the template vertically.

Credits: Layered template (Inspired By Peppermint, Template 2) flipped vertically by Bree Clarkson, Southern Girls (From California Girls: The Collection) by Krystal Hartley and Libby Weifenbach and Creative Crops 2 by Dani Mogstad.

Enabling:Inspired by Peppermint Templates by Bree Clarkson available here for April only, Southern Girls by Krystal Hartley and Libby Weifenbach available here in the Going Going Gone sale at Sweet Shoppe Designs until April 10th and Creative Crops 2 by Dani Mogstad available here.

I made another layout while Wrestlemania 25 was on, so I thought I would just add it to this post rather than starting another one just for one layout. This one was created for the April Template Challenge on the Hawt Mama's Team Blog it's a scraplift of Lucky by Laurie aka LibbysMommy.

Credits: Layered template (Hawt Mama's April Template Challenge based on Lucky by LibbysMommy) by MelissaL88, And I Quote... Boys Wordart by Amanda Slagle (Mandabean) and Preppy Autumn by Traci Reed.

Enabling: And I Quote... Boys by Amanda Slagle (Mandabean) available here and Preppy Autumn by Traci Reed available here. You can find all the details of the template challenge including the download link on the Hawt Mama's Team Blog here.

Where to start?

Today I seem to have the opposite problem I have been having with my blog lately, instead of having nothing to write I have a few options to choose from but I can't decide which one to start with lol. I seem to have too many thoughts buzzing around in my head tonight to focus on anything. Mark was supposed to have gone to his Grandmother's funeral today but because her funeral was at 3:45pm and right between 2 shifts at work (11-7 or 4-12) Mark couldn't get the time off. Somehow his family all seem to be of the opinion that it's my fault he didn't go and we have spent a lot of time over the last few days arguing over it. Without going into too much detail, because I really don't feel like crying anymore tears over them, his family have said some very hurtful things. I kind of object to being shouted at in the school playground when I go to pick Lukas up and being accused of "keeping him from going to the funeral". I also have to admit I strongly object to people gossiping to members of my family (who to be blunt wish Mark's family would sod off and leave her alone as well) about me but most of all I have a intense feeling that I would probably go as far as calling it hate instead of dislike for people who make comments about either my angel babies or my unborn Takara Bean. Since Mark refuses to say anything to them about any of the comments they have made, my feelings are hurt and things are at best pretty tense between us. I'm angry that he won't stick up for me but more than that I am miserable that his family still manage to cause so much trouble when we don't even talk to them. I guess the confusing part for me is why it's such a big deal that he goes to the funeral of someone he didn't even talk to, his dad didn't care if he went or not so why can't certain other annoying members of his family just mind their own business. I'm just glad that's it's half term for two weeks from today and that means no running into them at school, no gossiping and fingers crossed no more arguing with Mark over them all. Don't get me wrong things aren't all bad around here, unless Mark's family come into the conversation things are pretty good. They are the only thing we ever fight about anymore *sigh* I am fed up of talking about them to be honest let's change the subject to something more interesting lol. How about I talk about the baby, Takara Bean strongly objects to mummy being upset infact arguments usually end up with me sitting on the floor in agony, anytime I get stressed out I get sharp pains across my stomach and my chest, it's hard to breathe and impossible to move. I swear this baby is like my puppet master lol it's very determined that it gets whatever it happens to desire, usually that involves a nice calm mummy, lots to drink and feeding on demand with whatever the latest craving happens to be lol (this week it's been chicken and cucumber sandwiches, bananas, milka chocolate, cheerios and malteser chocolate bunnies (apparently they are only good at 1am straight from tescos luckily Mark always goes on his way home from work). If I don't obey I get punished with pain lol. Lukas constantly refers to her as "baby sister" and both him and Mark seem to get a great thrill out of poking my stomach and feeling movements. We seem to get reactions to certain sounds voices, the bath running and the wrappers on chocolate bunnies kind of make her a little crazy lol. My anomaly scan is on the 20th of this month so fingers crossed we will know for definate if we are right or wrong in constantly referring to Takara Bean as "her" lol. I ordered my travel system earlier today, and to say I am excited about it is a bit of an understatement. I had a hard time deciding on exactly what I was looking for in a pushchair and then I saw this and knew it was perfect. Neutral enough to be ideal for a girl or a boy, a brand we have used before and know is sturdy and can take lots of shopping lol and a folding mechanism that's easy to use even on my worst days, if your wondering we decided on the Graco Vivo in Butterscotch, I found a store on Ebay called Online4baby that sells them brand new for a great price you can see the exact one we ordered here. I forgot to order the raincover at the same time, but there are a few other bits we want from the seller so I will order them all together at the end of the month. The wardrobe is slowly filling up with bits and pieces I have bought, I have mostly only done basics so far in white or cream but there is a very cute pink dress and pink shrug that I happened to see when I ordered some clothes from Asda for Lukas and couldn't resist. I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to knowing for sure and being able to go crazy and buy all the cute little outfits and things, and Nan is even worse than I am lol. If my previous pregnancies are anything to go by we could be seeing this little one as early as June. It's going to go by so quickly and we have so much tidying and organising to do before then, I am starting to worry slightly that it's not going to be finished. But it's not really anything worth getting stressed out over. We are hoping to be able to take another trip with Lukas at the end of the month and that will more than likely be the last one before the baby is born, so we will have every weekend and during the week before Mark goes to work to get cracking on everything. Anyway I am starting to ramble and a quick glance at my clock just told me it's almost 4am. I really should be getting to bed, so I will have to come back tomorrow and post the 2 layouts I have to share with you, who knows by the time I get around to blogging there might be three lol.

From Our Blog To Yours - Top 5 TV Shows

It's been a long time since I have done one of these posts but I have nothing else to talk about today and I wanted something to do while I am sitting here watching the repeat of mondays RAW.
The prompt for today was about TV shows, specifically to name 5 I have seen every episode of or 5 I would like to see every episode of. I don't watch much television but obviously there are a few things I do like to watch that aren't wrestling lol when I do get the chance.
1. Charmed - I only all of the seasons of Charmed on dvd and I think I have seen every episode at least once. I don't really have a favourite episode but any featuring T.W King (Andy), Brian Krause (Leo) or Julian McMahon (Cole) was definately worth watching lol.
2. Bones - I have a bit of a soft spot for the male hotties don't I lol I loved David Boreanaz when he was in Buffy and when he was in Angel and I admit he was the reason I started watching this show. I kind of got slightly hooked on it and now watch the older episodes every single day before we get Lukas from school and the new ones every thursday night. Mark loves to watch it with me as well.
3. Pushing Daisies - This is one I never really followed up consistantly when it was originally aired. I got the whole of season one on dvd and watched one when I was bored, one led to two which led to the entire season. Since the second season started I think I have missed one episode. Right now it's the one hour or so a week that I get to sit down and watch something I want on the television. I think it's a real shame that they have decided not to make anymore.
4. A Town Called Eureka - We happened to catch the pilot episode of this and thought it looked really interesting, there were quite a few things that had changed by the time that it made it to season one. It's definately one of those shows where you can miss an episode or two and then jump right back in without feeling completely lost. Its one of the few things we look forward to sitting down and watching as a family. I definately want the dvd's for this one.
5. This is where things get hard for me because I can't think of another programme we have consistantly bothered to watch. I liked Hereos season 1 and then never bothered with any of the others. I bought season 1 and 2 of Nip/Tuck and then never bothered anymore. I am kind of confused about which seasons of Desperate Housewives I have seen and which I haven't and for a while we were really into a show called Reaper then we missed a few episodes and never got around to picking it up again. Then there are a few other things we watch when they are on but don't bother to go looking for them like NCIS, House and CSI so I guess for this one I am going to have to say that I really don't have an answer. I would be happy to pick up any of the shows I have mentioned above on DVD and watch every episode of them again. But then I have always preferred dvd's over the television for two reasons. The first is because I can watch them on my laptop or desktop and not have to argue with Mark or Lukas for the remote control and second because then I can watch them with the subtitles and still understand what's going on without having to tell Mark and Lukas to be quiet every couple of minutes lol.

Time for change

There are a lot of things that at one time or another I didn't think I would say or do. When I was at school I always swore that I would never get married and I would never have kids. Yet when I found out I was pregnant with Lukas I knew that he was going to change my life forever and I was right, I could never imagine my life without him in it anymore. I often have to force myself to remember that there once was a time in my life without him in it. Then when I got pregnant with Gaiebraille, life changed again. I was excited about having 2 kids full of plans for how I would do things differently the 2nd time around. Unfortunately that wasn't meant to be and the miscarriage and the grieving changed my life again. Then came the greatest change in my life, Leo. I'm sure everyone already knows how much of an impact Leo had on my life and how he changed it forever. How he broke something that will never ever be fully repaired. I started scrapbooking because of Leo, I was searching for something to take some of the pain away, a distraction and so much more than I could ever begin to go into. I have had a lot of fun over the last few years making pages and experimenting with different styles and techniques. As part of that I have been lucky enough to be part of some amazing creative teams. Now you may be wondering exactly where I am going with this. Ever since I got pregnant again I have been struggling with scrapbooking as a whole. I feel tired all the time, I don't want to spend time sitting at the computer for lots of reasons but the main one is the pain and to be completely honest I haven't really felt inspired to scrap or enjoyed the process when I do. Because of that I have been struggling to keep up with my CT requirements. I am blessed to work for 2 amazing designers in Royanna and Chrissy and both of them have been awesome about it all. I couldn't have possibly wished for anyone to be more understanding about the situation. Since April marks the beginning of a new 3 month term, I felt as though it was time to make a decision about whether to continue or not. I decided that the best option for everyone was if I stepped down. I feel as though it's unfair for me to occupy a CT position when I am not completely dedicated to what I am doing. I'm don't regret my choice, I fully understand that this same choice would have been made for me in a few months time by the baby arriving. I'm sure there will be moments when I will feel sad about the decision that I have made, but I know it's the right choice for me right now. It's going to be a big adjustment for me, being part of a CT has always been the one thing that has allowed me to feel like I have some use or value to other people. It's also going to be very strange to be scrapping pages because I want to scrap them, rather than doing them with a newly released kit or template pack. I will admit I am going to miss the motivation to create things, I guess I will start doing random challenges here and there when they inspire me. That's one of the reasons change is so scary for me, I hate not knowing what to expect. It's a mixed bag because there are bound to be times when I am glad that I have no obligations or commitments anymore and other times when I feel unmotivated and wish I had some way to jumpstart my creativity. The other problem I suppose is without CT layouts to share with you I won't really have anything to blog about, unless I make an effort to do more things and I somehow can't see that happening with how low my energy levels are at the moment. Oh well at least it won't be much longer until I get to bore you senseless by blogging about the baby lol. Actually with all this talking about change I am realising that the blog could really do with some.