Thought this looked cute

Nan's Birthday Presents.

I ordered Nan's memory purse when it was on weekend special, she got the large memory purse, a checkbook cover (going to use that to cover a diary/planner thing and the business card holder which is perfect for her bus pass. All that was $25 I think and then the same again for postage and packaging but she's worth it. Want one? You can grab the bags and other bits here but they aren't on special price anymore.
So here is the insert to her bag she has same back and front. I designed it from scratch no template (I know *Shock* *Horror* I scrapped alone lol)Credits: Be Divine, Gettin Fancy 04 Commercial Overlays, Gettin Edgey 04 Commercial Overlays, Butterfly from Simply Gorgeous and Background paper from Birthdayz Girl all by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.
Then here's Nan's bus pass holder.I cheated for this one because I couldn't find the tape measure to measure the cover lol.Credits: Trading Card Templates by Amy Bleser (template #12 altered slightly), Be Divine and BirthdayZ Girl by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.
Then finally I made this Hybrid card to go with it (this is the digital version before I assembled it)
Credits: Snail Mailers by Bree Clarkson (Launch Pads Snail Mailers #5) and Be Divine by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.
I'm not doing enabling now, I might do it tomorrow if I feel like it. I am tired I haven't slept in nearly three days and I am starting to get ratty.

Let's talk layouts

because let's face it, husbands that have started smoking again after quitting two years ago, thanks to annoying mother in laws who provide funds to do so and even offer encouragement for doing it are just tiring. Before I show you the two layouts that I have made (only took me a week to actually do something in Photoshop) I have a tiny belated announcement. Yesterday, well technically considering the time the day before yesterday was Nan's Birthday she was 77 years young lol. I got her a memory purse (did I share the insert, card and bus pass holder with you?, hang on let me check) apparently I didn't I will put them up with the two layouts I have done tonight. But I am veering off topic as normal, she had a fairly decent birthday got some nice presents including a very funky purple disco ball that was labelled "The Flasher" lol. the only part of the day that wasn't so nice was the row we had. This huge rant here that was Nan fueled, because she has been telling everyone about me and Mark and it made me mad. I'm not going to apologize for what I said because it was all true, I did apologise for the way I said it though. She didn't really help her case with the words, "I only told them because I feel sorry for you". Nothing winds me up more than people's pity. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for myself so why should other people feel that way about me? But this post is turning into yet another long one. So let's switch track and discuss what I came here for to post layouts. Duh would help if I made my little announcement first wouldn't it. I am now on a 2nd CT. Jennifer Schmitt has asked me to guest for October, but I have already started playing with her stuff. If you haven't seen her stuff click on the enabling links I am going to add below these layouts.Credits: Layered CD Album Templates by Jennifer Schmitt and The Journey: Take the scenic route by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.
Font is Pea Sue's Print.
Enabling: Layered CD Album Templates by Jennifer Schmitt available here

The Journey :Take the scenic route by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available hereCredits: Layered template 6 (from set 10 in collection 1) and Autumn Glow by Jennifer Schmitt.

Stock photo from Stock Xchng by Mateescu Cristi (Mediaserv).
Traci Murphy Dropshadow actions - Chipboard Light, Light Stitch Light, Flower Light and Ribbon Light. Fonts are Susie's hand and Love Ya Like A Sister by Kimberly Geswein.
Enabling: Layered template 6 from Set 10 in Collection 1 and Autumn Glow by Jennifer Schmitt are available here and here.
Traci Murphy's Dropshadow actions are available here.The stock photo site address is http://www.sxc.hu/ and you can pick up Kimberly's font here.
Will post Nan's memory purse and other bits in a new post.

Nothing is sacred

Marriage isn't it's too easy now to say "I made a mistake marrying you", or "I want a divorce". Love isn't sacred anymore it can be destroyed by other people or just trip over that thin line to hate. Trust isn't sacred because everyone you trust believes it's ok to tell people that your husband has left. Your life becomes the latest greatest scandal, there isn't a person in the world that doesn't believe they have a right to discuss your business behind your back, to tell everyone they know all the gory details. People assume they can take sides and bitch about the other person, they can make idle threats and say whatever they like. Even when nothing is a certainty. I honestly believe its the innuendo from other people, the gossip and other people's actions that cause all the trouble. It's the feeling that you have no privacy and everyone is talking about you that makes you feel vunerable and destroyed. I don't want to be the centre of attention someone's focus for ridicule or even pity. I just want to get on with my life, discuss things with my husband and try and work out what happens next. The next person I hear discussing me and my marriage behind my back is going to see my fury because I've had it. It makes it so hard this is why people wish that things had never happened because being invisible is so much easier than being in the spotlight of everyone. I don't know how celebrities cope.

Just a layout today

I have nothing else to say. I am so mixed up emotionally I want to hate him for what he's done but I don't. I want to be angry at him but i'm not. I feel like when I lost Leo, like it is all just out of my control and I am being dragged along gaining bruise after bruise on my heart. I wish I could find some way to tap into the passion. Before I lost Leo I would have reacted to this in one way I would have been pathetic and weak I would have been begging him to come back, ringing him constantly and getting frustrated when he put the phone down on me or refused to pick it up at all. I have changed and so has he but I think this has more to do with being numb inside. I am shocked that he's gone and it hasn't quite sunk in yet what that means. That's the problem with this blog I start a sentance to explain that I just have a layout and it turns into a whole post lol. Anyway here's the layout. I found this cute layered template the other day here.

Credits: Spiderman layered template by Bonecade Papel Scraps and All Divas Eve (recoloured) by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.

I got to thinking

while I was radomly swearing at the damn computer for refusing to play the dvd Lukas wanted to watch. While having no television is of no consequence to me (because I watch it like once a week), Lukas is missing it. Both him and his daddy seem incapable of functioning without that big dumb black screen. For me it's always been noise with a few tiny exceptions. But Mark and Lukas they plan there life around it. I got to thinking about how many of the arguments we had were over that TV. From the heated rows about yet more sport, to the playful teasing about the fact that Mark can reel of stats from any given sport but still doesn't know exactly what days his sons were born on. I thought about the days out that were ruined because Mark was sulking about missing something or trying to hurry us along to get back for something. The television was never my thing it used to be books. I devoured every printed word with the appetite of a starving person. I needed to absorb every word, every phrase. I could read a book cover to cover in hours, and then read it again to make sure I didn't miss anything. I read anything I could get my hands on and would happily wait up all night to ensure I finished the book I had started. I used to read in the bath, read on the bus, read while the teachers were talking at school. As my hands got worse and the headaches increased from being a few times a month to weekly, daily and then constant the books fell to the wayside. I couldn't concentrate on them anymore, reading them wasn't worth the pain. My second biggest passion is music. I choose songs to reflect my mood, I play them over and over again until I know them word for word. I feel as if the words in some songs just seem to fit the way I feel better than I could express. I have a passion for digital scrapbooking I collect kits, I scrap layouts (I willingly admit to sometimes spending hours on a layout only to scrap it because it just doesn't seem right.) I have a passion for my sons. That passion consumes my every waking moment and almost every one I spend sleeping. I am filled with a love that burns like a bright beacon. People are drawn to its radiance like moths to a flame. They aren't sure what they are seeing but it draws them close. Some people have to step away because it's such a burning passion it burns too bright for some people. My passions drive me they make me the person I am. Without passion I would be nothing a mere shell of myself. Mark doesn't have a passion sure he is consumed by his desire to sit and vegetate. He would happily spend his whole life in front of the television, playstation or laptop games and he would never feel discontent about it, because his drive just isn't there anymore. He used to have drive and be artistic, but most of all he used to be motivated. When I first met him he made me laugh all the time. I couldn't wait to be around him. Hell I used to go to work early (yes I know me the I Don't Do Mornings! girl) so I could waste time drinking a diet coke and eating a king size mars bar in the shop with him instead of on the till where I worked. I used to be clock watching for it to be 9pm at work because that meant he would be waiting for me outside. He used to be early and lecture me for being late while I giggled and called him an old dinosaur. Then he left it was sudden with no announcement and I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I was stunned how much it hurt me that he hadn't said goodbye. I innocently asked his friend where he was trying not to sound interested. With each passing day I grew more angry and less hurt with him. Then someone who used to come in the shop mentioned he had seen Mark working in a certain shop. I felt my heart race a bit. Though I admit he never knew it because I let rip with my fury on him. He stood back stunned unsure why I was so mad. I wanted to beat him about the head with something to knock some sense into him, bloody hell you dumb man do you really not know what I am feeling for you? The details of the months that followed are a little hazy to me, and I am sure you are wondering why I am telling you this now. It's because that day I realised he had become my passion. My driving force. Now I guess I kind of feel like my guide rope has been severed I am left to the ride called life and I have nothing to guide and centre me. I just have to hope that I can swerve every bump in the road, or at least not hit it hard enough to fall out. So if it seems like my wheels are a little wonky for a while, and you suddenly find yourself witnessing just how badly I drive. Just be aware that whatever road my life travels from here on Lukas will be fastened securely next to me, nothing and no-one will ever threaten that. If Mark decides to climb back in for the ride there is room in my heart but he will have to find the key because for now I am burying it so I don't end up hurting myself because I am so desperate for my guiding light to return.

i cant hate you anymore

Sounds very appropraite for the way I feel right now. I am tired out from crying and I don't hate him right now. Give me time I am sure the hatred will come later

So he came

and packed his stuff and left, went running back to the mother that doesn't want him in her house but is willing to tolerate him being there for the rent money. My little guy cried hysterical and I felt very very helpless until he told me why I was crying and I couldn't help laughing out loud - Daddy was taking his Disney channel lol. I was reminded today in between the floods of tears of my reason for living on the planet, my Lukas. When he asked why I was crying I told him "Daddy broke my heart and it hurts" ever resourceful my little guy replied "you can have mine mummy", which provoked more tears from me and a very confused look from Lukas. How screwed up is it that my 5 year old gets the concept of death he understands now that Leo is dead and he's not coming back. I finally managed to satisfy his questions on that front and now I am facing even more but this time nothing I say is going to be good enough. It's my fault I suppose for always telling him the way it is. I always swore I was never going to lie to him but now it's not so much lying as not knowing what to answer because I honestly don't know why Mark doesn't want him or me anymore. I have no clue why he wants to throw away our marriage. I am really bad at this parenting thing first I have to do the death talk and now the divorce one and he's just 5 years old. Why can't I hang on to those that I love? But I am a woman and a pretty strong one usually so I am coping the way any self respecting woman does, I shopped, normal girls they go out and buy things like shoes or clothes or they get drunker than they have ever been before. I am not normal I can't just go out so I did the next best thing I internet shopped, but not digi stash this time. No I went for two downloadable cd's I guess I am spolit by the instant gratification of Digi scrapping,so I can listen to someone else describing how I feel so I don't have to work it out, that bottle of vodka is looking mighty tempting to kill this headache from sobbing so much. I could kill for someone to hold me right now. Someone to wrap there arms around me and tell me it will all be ok even if that is total bull. Guess I will have to make do with my little guy and my teddy bear. *sigh*

I have never felt so worthless in my whole life

I sit here as someone who has been raped and abused in the past and I can honestly say nothing has ever made me feel as worthless than the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, my husband just did. Last night when he wanted sex I was happy enough to oblige I thought even though things were hanging by a thread this showed some intent to work at it. Little did I realise that it was all just so he could get his leg over then get up this morning throw his ring at me and walk away. To have my own husband treat me as nothing more than a whore and not to care that he made me weep in the street because of it has cut me so deep I don't think I will ever recover. I think the worst part was the more upset I got the more he enjoyed it. He held out his ring and then threw it into the dirt it meant nothing to him whatsoever. Even to my ears it sounded pathetic when I told him you can't throw our marriage away like that and he just shrugged his shoulders and couldn't care less. I am heartbroken and full of shame, the one who I have given so much of myself to freely, who I would have willingly died to turn back time and not hurt him yesterday has just proved that to him I am worth less than nothing. I have no clue where I go from here, I have been married 9 months and 2 days and my husband has left me. How could it possibly get any worse. But then I shouldn't have asked that because it's just hit me how it's going to get 1000 times worse. I am going to have to tell people that it's over and he's left me. I am going to have to look people in the eye and see pity or in some cases glee that it hasn't worked out. I have a feeling I am going to spend hours if not days wishing I had never been born. What did I ever do to deserve this? I know my rage caused me to lash out at him yesterday but what woman in their right mind wouldn't at some point reach her breaking point if they lived with a man who could care less when he hurts her feelings by forgetting every event, by constantly ignoring her every word and request, by treating her and his child like a piece of crap he has walked in? I was wrong I apologised but the truth is he didn't care that I hit him. All he cares about is being able to do nothing all day long, and marriage just doesn't allow for that to happen. Marriage is full of compromise and work but I guess I was the only one up to the job, the only one who wanted to make it work. I just wish he had told me he didn't love me instead of making me get married just to end it 9 months and 2 days later.

When the fire of rage burns nothing is left unscathed

It tore through here earlier, and destroyed everything in it's grasp. Total damage stands at undetermined amount, but my marriage has been left hanging by a thread. I am in no doubt that tomorrow morning I will see the damage in all it's glory. I will open my eyes and see the hurt that was left in the wake of my fiery anger, I will see all that was consumed and destroyed. I honestly believe that this fire has been simmering for a long time, and like a volcano it eventually erupted leaving nothing but devastation. Rage first destroys rationality, followed by calm and composure then it swiftly removes control. I saw nothing but fire when I attacked Mark and hit him, over and over. His cries never reached my ears, his pain never reached my eyes. Nothing got through to me until the rage had burnt at it's brightest. I was left a weak helpless shell who could do nothing but stare at the hands that had inflicted damage beyond measure. For hours I could see nothing in my mind but a huge white void of nothing. I didn't know who Mark was or Lukas. I cried buckets of tears for a reason unknown to me. Now in the aftermath I sit here and I type and I am more confused than ever because my husband doesn't seem to hate or despise me. He seems to feel nothing. It's been a problem for a long time he doesn't feel anything at all. I am angry at him for not hating me. I want to be hated for what I did, I want to feel guilty beyond all measure but I only feel confusion. I feel like my brain is a computer giving me a "this area is restricted" message when I try to access my emotions. They are there I know they are but I can't process them correctly. I have always been the rational one, the one who is in control of not only herself and her emotions but of everything else. I may be the emotional one but I am the one who provided the support and the balance and now I am the one who is unsteady, walking a tightrope above a sea of confusion and for the 1st time in my life I am truly afraid. I have seen what rage makes me capable of, I have lost control and I don't know where to go from here. I feel like my whole world is crumbling down around me and I am powerless to stop it. I think when Leo died he took more than a piece of my heart and my soul. I think he made the edges of every emotion raw and sharp enough for even the mildest of insult to cut deep. I used to believe in myself. I believed if I could get through losing Leo I could get through anything but I don't know how to get through this. Crying doesn't work. I feel like I have gone past the point of no return I am falling in a hole with no bottom and nothing can save me. Mark won't have to do a thing, whether he pushed me over the edge or I fell is irrelevant now because what's done is done. If he could find his feelings again he might be able to save me and himself. But if he can't what hope is there I don't have the strength left to save myself anymore. I need him, but he needs me more and I can't do it anymore. I can't take care of him or Lukas I am nothing except a broken woman who is slowly losing more and more of her mind every day. No person is strong enough to endure all this and remain standing, but where the hell do I go from here? What I have done is unforgiveable I can never forgive myself for doing it no matter what Mark does. I let the rage consume me now I have to sift through the wreckage and hope that something remains intact underneath all the crap, I just wish I knew how to do that.

Manipulation - a few pointers from the mistress

that mistress obviously not being me lol. I am no good at getting anyone to do anything for me.
1. Ask for a favour, when the person you are asking hesitates wait until the next day to ask again.
2. Follow that by getting someone else to pass the message on.
3. Finally ask for favour in front of someone else. This achieves maximum awkward feeling and almost always results in desired result.
How do I know these steps work? Because I have just got talked into making a calendar for someone for free. I didn't want to do it I tried to explain why (becauseit takes too long and it not worth my time or effort when I am making nothing for it) but when asked again in front of the person who wants on how the heck do you say no?
I don't feel like I can charge for the supplies because for anyone who doesn't digi scrap I come across looking like a rip off merchant because of the commercial use/scrap 4 hire fees most designers have. I can't charge for my time because no-one believes how long these digi projects take to make. I even feel awkward charging for the paper and ink because I don't know exactly how much ink is used.What makes it worse it the person who wants it has no clue about photographs or digital cameras. When I asked if she has a digital camera, she started babbling something about a digital camera. So I will probably end up taking the photos for it as well. *Sigh* Why can't I learn to say that simple little phrase - NO?

So what do I have to talk about today?

Well I cut my hand earlier with a tape measure, ironically I only offered to retract the stupid thing so Nan wouldn't catch her glasses with it. I have a lovely bruise (admitedly a lot worse looking than when I did it) across my hand from it and Nan now thinks I am the bionic woman or something because she didn't believe me when I told her that cuts on me don't bleed. My blood is so thick it clots before it can leak out of any cut,graze whatever. I also heal really quick bruises, cuts the deeper or larger they are the quicker they heal. What can I say I am a freak of nature, but didn't you know that already. If you are wondering why I am still awake it's because for the third night running I am burning up all over, I ache everywhere especially my chest and my stomach. So I sit up in my new office chair, with me fan and I am a tiny bit more comfortable than I would have been laying down. Speaking of my chair you I don't think I got around to telling you about that. The expensive (well to me £35 for a chair is expensive) leather chair we bought, yes the one I moaned about from the moment we bought it. Anyway that chair cracked along the seam where the plastic sheet was molded. Caught my leg in between it and left a nice mark too. Before anyone says anything I would like to point out that even though I will hold my hands up and admit I am a fat cow and overweight etc, where the chair failed was a stupid fault that not even an elephant plonking it's butt on it could have caused. When we returned it they didn't even seem surprised. We had to look for an alternative, which was a lot harder than it sounds. Can't do anything big or bulky because of the space issues. Had to be high enough to reach my desk comfortably. Had to be sturdy enough not to break or tip over.Had to be made of a fabric that wasn't going to irritate my skin my skin is super delicate at the moment, I have even had to stop wearing some of my favourite clothes because of it.Had to be comfortable to sit in for long periods of time and most importantly had to be fairly cheap.Can you see where the problems were? Most office funiture is impossible for me to sit in because of the pain issues, most padded chairs are expensive. But I found an almost perfect solution - a garden lounger. It's comfortable, sturdy, folds flat if we can be bothered, it will last for ages and it was a decent price £25 including delivery. The only problem is once I am sat in it, I have a heck of a job getting out of it again. I push it as close to my desk as possible, so I can have my feet on the thing under my desk, but because I lean it back slightly for comfort the foot plate gets caught on the thing under my desk. So apart from the silly little shuffle dance I have to do to get out (which has mark in fits of laughter every time bloody git lol) it's not bad. Nan saw a deluxe version earlier in one of her catalouges so we ordered that to have a look at, they are buy one get one free so she will have one to put in her room to use as a spare bed when Conor stays (even the one I have it comfortable to sleep on) and I will have one but if they are rubbish back they will go lol. I haven't scrapped anything today, haven't done anything interesting so I have nothing else to tell you except that I am excited about WWE Unforgiven tomorrow. I love wrestling all those great lumps of muscle in tiny shorts with a heavy dose of violence, what's not to like? What can I say I was raised on it, Nan was once forcibly removed from a wrestling event for throwing pansies (you know the flower) at a wrestler. Gotta go my hands are hurting too much to type anymore today. Catch you tomorrow maybe.

Just some layout shares in no particular order.

Credits: layered template by Janeals corner and Book plate alpha, Skinny Mini Ribbons, Dream Solids Brights, CRD Signature Kit (Found in Grab Bag CRD Style), Fresh Clean Linens Collection, Stapled Borders (12x12 Square Silver), Shabby Stitches Zig Zag Circles (red and black), Ribbon Tabs (ribbed red and black), French Countryside (collab with Shabby Princess) all by Christina Renee (some recolouring). Font is DJB WENDY by Darcy Baldwin.
Credits: Layered template 26 by Mrs Wresh and Old School Tape, Paper Sack Bits, Grungy Gingham, Dream Solids Bolds, Dirty Notes, Shabby Ribbons Bunched and CRD Signature Kit (found in Grab Bag CRD Style) all by Christina Renee. Optikverve Old Newspaper Filter altered and Traci Murphy Dropshadows - Chipboard Light, Popout Light, Paper Dark and Ribbon Dark.Fonts are JPaige_Crystal by Jeanelle Paige and DJB MANDY by Darcy Baldwin.
Enabling:

Credits: Layered template by Johanna Berry and Simply Gorgeous (some recolouring) and Gettin' Edgey 1 Overlay 3 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Font is Punkyrara1 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.
Enabling: Layered template by Johanna Berry was a challenge prop,
Gettin' Edgey Overlays, Punkyrara1 and Simply Gorgeous by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and here and here.Credits: Simply Gorgeous by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.
Enabling:Simply Gorgeous by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available hereCredits: Layered template by Pattie Knox and Sparkle 'N' Pop by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Laura White (Princess LaLa) Digital Reality Bytes.Font is DJB AMANDAG Enabling: Layered template by Pattie Knox no longer available (or if it is I can't find it)
Sparkle 'N' Pop by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Laura White Digital available here

Credits: August Happy Scrapz layered template by Amy Watson and Glory by Amy Watson and Jessica Gorny. Fonts are Barbies Jalous Sister and DJB KEELYB. Enabling:Happy Scrapz August Layered template available here, Glory available soon here
Scraplifting this layout by DawnMcD http://www.digiscrapdivas.com/photopost/showphoto.php?photo=37966&cat=756 Credits: Layered template by Christine Smith and Sun and Park Challenge kit by Digiscrapdivas designers.Font is DJB CONNER. Enabling:Credits: Based on a layered template by Doreen Stolz and Birthday POP! by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Traci Murphy Dropshadows - Chipboard Light, Cardstock Light and ribbon light. Enabling:
Credits: Layered template by Johanna Berry and Angel Sweet by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Enabling:
Credits: Layered template by Robin Cabana, Full sized templates volume 1 by Kris Myers, Brushed Alpha Brushes by Christina Borgfield and Funkalicious Diva by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Traci Murphy Dropshadows - Fancy Ribbon Light, Flower Dark and Brad Light, Pencil Sketch action by ActionFX and Optikverve Black and White Diffuse. Enabling:
Credits: Sassy Spooks by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Enabling:
Credits: A Kid's Life by Royanna Lea Fritshmann and layered template by Jen Caputo. Enabling:

Credits: Layered template by Janet Phillips (Fat Pack 2 template 18), Alpha Split by Jessica Gorny,Hillbilly Cover Up's by Fantacy Bryant and Garden Girl by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.

Enabling:
Credits: Birthdayz Boy by Royanna Lea Fritschmann, Make Me Renewed (Colour) and Make Me Colourful (Color Pop) photo actions by Lauren Barden and September Layered template by Karah Fredricks (altered heavily by me). Enabling:
Credits: Layered template by Monica McGill and Dream a little dream by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Enabling:
Credits:Layered template by Tara Sroka and Madly In Love by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Enabling:
Credits: September Desktop Jumpstart by Amy Watson and School TearZ by DeDe Smith.
Enabling:Credits: Layered template by O.N Designs and Corgen by Princess Lala (Laura White). Enabling:
Credits: Layered template and Madly in Love by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.

Enabling:
Credits: Fantabulous Friendship by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Layered template by Laura Carlson (Lowie75).

Enabling:
Credits: Faded Sapphire (Songbird Avenue September 07) by Jan Crowley, Meredith Fenwick, Carrie Stephens and Janet Phillips.

Enabling:
Credits: Layered template by Janet Phillips (Fat Pack 2 template 15) and Rocker Boy by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Traci Murphy Dropshadows - Thin wire dark, paper dark, metal dark, brad light, chipboard dark and photo dark.
Enabling:

Credits: Layered template by Deborah Degagne, Photoblast demo action black and white, Masking Gradient Brushes by Anna Aspnes, Messy Ribbon Action by Christine Smith and Fastened Down (eyelet), Take Measure, Brand New You and What I Want all by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Traci Murphy Dropshadows - Paper Dark,Photo Dark and Ribbon Dark. Font is DJB MANDY by Darcy Baldwin.

Enabling:

Credits: Adirondack Autumn by Royanna Lea Fritschmann, Layered template by Holly McCaig, Sponge Stamped Alpha by Toni Berman and A Brush with Acrylic by Christine Smith.

Enabling:
Credits: Layered template by Janna Billman (Template Challenge 1) A Brush with Acrylic by Christine Smith and Bohemian Rhapsody by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Traci Murphy Dropshadows - Alpha Light, Photo Light, Flower Light, Paper Dark, Doodle Light, Metals Light and Paint Dark

Enabling:
Credits:Back 2 School - Girl by Royanna Lea Fritschmann (Recoloured), and layered template by Janna Billman. Traci Murphy Dropshadows - Chipboard Dark, Cardboard Dark, Fancy Ribbon Dark, Paper Dark and Flower Light.

Enabling:
Credits: Birthdayz Girl and Studio Styles 2 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Layered template by Traci Reed. Font is DJB LORRAINE1.

Enabling:

Actually I didn't realise there was that many I hadn't shared oops. I will edit the post to add the enabling tomorrow.

So you want gory details ok then here we go

I will confess that the thought on my mind a lot lately is that the world would be better off without me. I consider suicide on a daily basis but always discount the idea because of the mess that it would leave behind for someone to clean up. I have a husband who is not scared of the idea of D.I.V.O.R.C.E and actually believes that telling me if I leave him I will lose my computer and Internet connection is a valid way to change my mind. I may not have had my union "blessed" but marriage means something to me, it's a commitment and a huge one at that (probably why I didn't want to do it lol). I feel like I was guilted into it I mean come on how many people could say no to "I want my mum (whose supposed to be dying of cancer) to see me get married"? The irony of that being said mother doesn't approve of the marriage and actually leaves the reception to attend another party - if you don't read this much go here for that info. I also have Nan the martyr extraordinaire she rams down my throat how much she does and how little I do, I swear if I hear "I'm so ill, but I still get up and go to work everyday" one more time I will lose my mind. She tells me constantly what a waste of space my husband is by pointing out everything he hasn't done. I mean be fair does she think I am blind and I can't see for myself what he is like without her telling me over and over and over again. As if that wasn't enough to send anyone loopy, there's the persistant and unwavering desire to defend people. Lukas pulls all his bedding off and it's because "Mark, never made the bed right to begin with". Even when I have made it myself yet tonight she was in a strop and she had made the bed so he was "very naughty to do that" no shit that's what I have been saying for ages. I don't know why he does it, I just know that every piece of bedding on the floor is annoying, very very annoying. What really gets me is when she tells me how ill she is I can see it. I can't do anything to help her though I suggest a doctor she bites my head off, I don't suggest a doctor and then I am accused of not caring.I can't bloody win. Then there's the MIL did I mention she forgot her own son's birthday. But no-one will say anything to her about it and why not? because she has cancer, so basically she's off limits. Amazing how her cancer makes her beyond reproach about absolutely everything because we are all supposed to feel sorry for her but doesn't stop her going out drinking, doing bootsales, working etc. I get real sick of feeling compassion for her when she gets sympathy and well wishes from everyone and then proceeds to be a two faced bitch about them behind there back. My son's birthdays are burned into my memory and nothing not fits, amnesia or anything else could remove them I will never forget that Lukas was born on August 3rd 2002 and Leo was born on August 24th 2004, that Leo died on the 28th November 2004 or that my angel babies went to heaven on the 17th February 2003 and the 10th April 2006. I'm a mother it's my job to never forget those dates whether my son is 5 or 30. There's Lisa with the child from hell daughter who Nan constantly moans about (Ella incase you are wondering), yet if I happen to say anything she instantly defends not only Ella but Lisa too. I'll be honest I used to think Leo was so unlucky to have died so young because there was so many things he never got to experience. Now I think that he's luckier than I can comprehend he never had to deal with hurting so much it was hard to breathe, or living with the bitching and nastiness in short he never got chance to see the shitty side to this thing called life. But the thing that bothers me more than anything today is how unsafe my son, my world is while at school. I haven't taken him to school once since he went back. There is all new receptionists etc. Yet when I went to school to get him today at lunch time because I needed him with me, he is my guiding rope tying me to sanity. If I hadn't gone and picked him up, there would have been nothing stopping me from doing something crazy like going and getting drunk. No-one questioned anything. They never asked me who I was or for any I.D. I simply walked in cited that I needed to take Lukas because of a "Family Emergency" and they let me have him. No forms, no signature, nothing. I just strolled out of the gates with him. When Mark went to pick him up as normal they just said "someone we assumed was mum came and got him earlier". Yes I am his mum but they didn't know that, and in my view it was way too simple to remove him from the school at lunchtime. He should be safe there, random people shouldn't be able to stroll into reception and remove a child. Hell I could have strolled onto the playground if the desire had taken me to. So here I am a broken woman, I have cried buckets, screamed and shouted yet all I have acomplished it that I have a constant stream of guilt being poured on my head from the two people I love more than anything except Lukas, I love him better than both Nan and Mark. Each one believes they are right and won't budge. Nan thinks Mark doesn't do anything, Mark thinks he does everything. I don't agree with either of them and wish they would quit with making me piggy in the middle and start acting like adults. Fight their battles out between themselves and leave me out if it. I just want some peace and the only way I found that tonight was in a large amount of vodka and orange juice. Crying all day gives me a headache 100 times worse than normal and as your aware pain killers don't normally work on me, but alcohol does. One glass maybe two (yes I had more than that tonight - If you are wondering one carton of Tesco's orange juice tipped into an empty squash bottle and shook up, add vodka until you can taste it so no idea how much vodka really I just sloshed it in from the vodka bottle until I could taste it.) and I can sleep. I like to sleep because even the nightmares aren't as bad as life is lately. Is it really too much to ask for one day of peace?

What a crappy day!

From the moment I got up this morning, I have felt like the world has been determined to crap all over me, then use me to wipe it's arse. There was a huge row between Nan and Mark which I stupidly got dragged into, I realized just how simple it would be for someone to take Lukas away from me and to top it off I had the most rubbish customer service imaginable. I don't think the day can get any worse, so I am going to bed before I make it worse by cracking open the vodka. I will fill you in on all the gory details tomorrow.

Two posts in one day?

yep this one is just a layout share though no moaning lol.

Credits: First Day Jitters by Ashley Olson and Kate Hadfield and Layered template by Jessica Gorny (September Happy Scrapz). Traci Murphy Dropshadows - Sticker Light, Chipboard Light, Photo Light, Paper Light and Paper Dark. Font is Everytime I miss you.

My Poor Baby

He went to school yesterday and came home with a cut above his eye and a nasty graze on his hand, He says a boy knocked him over, he went to school today and we got a call to say he had had an accident, apparently (according to him anyway) he fell off the climbing frame. Sometimes I really wonder what bad luck tree we fell out of, I mean come on what are the odds of two days at school and two injuries to his face/head? You will have to excuse his red eyes I can't be bothered to load up photoshop, fix them resize the picture etc. While I am here do you want to see one of him looking gorgeous in his school uniform with Conor and Ella? No, too bad lol.

This is my favourite one I took yesterday they look so grown up and cute at the same time lol.

What else do I have to talk about not a lot, I am a grumpy cow today because I got my period again. I wish the stupid thing would make it's mind up and go for being regular again or going away completely. I get so sick of how it comes when it feels like it, is heavy one minute looking like it's stopped the next, go without protection and guarantee it decides to get heavy again. I can hardly get my jeans on because I am retaining so much water everywhere, I can't wear my wedding ring and I am utterly fed up with the normal constant pain now being mixed with crampy period pains that just won't quit! I hate being a girl lol. I haven't got any scrapping done today because my little angel was awake all night he woke up for some reason unknown to me, and was a little horror for the rest of the night, he drifted off to sleep at 7:30am this morning and then got rudely woken 30 minutes later for school lol. I asked him if he was tired at school and he told me he went to sleep at school lol. They must think I am a really terrible mother and I don't make him go to bed. I really wish they could see the battles I have with him to go to bed every night, don't get me wrong Lukas isn't an awful child by any stretch of the imagination but he is his mummy's boy, he is stubborn as a mule and he only goes to sleep when he wants to go to sleep. I don't really care what time he drifts off I can always get him up for school, but I do need him in his bedroom being quiet from about 9pm because otherwise Nan is moaning and Mark is moaning and honestly they get on my nerves. Mark has moved my bedroom around today, he promises to tidy up the chaos he has created tomorrow, I promised to make him sleep in the shed if he doesn't lol. I'm just feeling really grumpy about everything the tiny things are irratating the heck out of me. I spent most of today catching some sleep, I was hoping I would wake up feeling a bit less emotional but no such luck, I woke up with a temperature, worse pain and the feeling of being completely useless because I didn't manage to get anything done. The weather is not helping either is so humid and sticky yuck. I would take the cold (even though is makes my hands hurt more) any day. I do have something nice to talk about though it's called a squishee it's a support pillow thing made of lycra and I would guess gel beads of some sort it feels similar to the wrist rest on my mouse mat, it's soft and moulds to your body and it rocks!! I could quite happily strap it to my body and never take it off. I got it in Lime Green but there were loads of other colours. Nan got the neck pillow version but her's is damaged so it has to go back. It was a bargain for £4.99!

Right gotta go I am off to bed. Hopefully will be back tomorrow and maybe you can even have a cheerful post lol

He's gone to school

and so far I haven't shed a tear there must be something wrong with me lol. Normally I am a wreck when he goes back maybe it could have to do with that I took lots of photos and I am looking forward to using them or maybe it's just because I already feel so miserable I just don't have the energy to cry, or I suppose it could be the last option pure denial, there are the usual household sounds, TV, Washing machine, Tumble Drier but normally I don't hear Lukas noises around this time, because either he, me or we are asleep lol. Wait until 11ish then I expect there will be tears because that's when I normally hear him moaning for a sandwich, or a drink, or a wee or NickJR and today he won't be here. I took all the normal photos, in his uniform, with his jumper on without his jumper on and then I took the "mummy" photos like his brand new black school shoes (I'm going to take one every day so I can see how long they last lol) the last pair lasted a grand total of three days before they were scuffed, scratched and ugly lol. I took pictures of the lunch that I lovingly dumped in his brand new lunchbag, I wrote his name on the little card and then took photos of it all shiny and new. I wonder what a mess that will be in when he comes home. I wonder how he will like his new teacher and what he will be doing. But honestly it's a little comforting to know that mother's everywhere are doing the same thing or have done the same thing or might even have this to do soon, the obligatory shots of clean, smiling (if your lucky) kids all decked out in their new uniforms, ready for a brand new school year. I am off to make a layout or two with the photos I took this morning. Back later.
P.S I did a post earlier about our trip to the fair but the video I wanted to add isn't uploading right I will try again later.

Have you seen this new digi site?

It's the only place like it on the web, you can shop at loads of different stores from one site.
I'm not explaining it very well click the blinkie and take a look, especially at the forum there is a cool collection of freebies available for the grand opening.