So I could start with an apology

for not blogging for a while, but why bother. I mean honestly no-one reads my blog so it's like apologising to myself, and since I seem to spend my life apologising for one thing or another or taking the crap from other people doing things wrong I figure that I should be able to not apologise to myself. But yet I still have the desire to do it. I still want to apologise for my inability to make time to do the one thing that helps me keep my sanity. I'm angry with myself for not finding the few minutes I day it takes to keep some record of how I have spent my crappy existance on that day. As you can tell I am not in the best mood today. I am sad, I am depressed, I am angry but most of all I am hurting. After having the crappiest Christmas and Birthday that I can ever remember all I want is for this stupid year to finally be over. 2007 has been utterly overwhelming, I feel like I have had my heart ripped into tiny shreds, the irony is this year shouldn't have been as hard as previous ones we have been through worse yet this one feels like it's taken more of a toll on my soul than the others. Maybe I am just tired out from everything in previous years and it's finally all gotten too much. 2007 should have been remembered as being the year I got married, that's supposed to be a good thing. But for me 2007 hasn't been about the positive stuff when I think of my wedding I don't think of it as the happiest day of my life I think of it as the day when life as I know it stopped, it was the day that I stopped being a daughter, I stopped being a grandaughter but I didn't become a wife. Things didn't work the way they were supposed to. I miss my family, I hate that I haven't seen my new baby sister, I can't stand that I wasn't there to help my brother and his partner deal with the one thing I actually understand when they lost their baby as his big sister and someone whose been through it I should have been able to help them. I feel like a failure. But the worst part isn't that I don't have my family, it's that the reason I don't have them is a wedding to a man who didn't even buy me a christmas card, with a father for a guest who doesn't even remember my birthday. I lost my family for two selfish pigs called Mark who I obviously don't matter a bit to. Is it really that difficult to pick up the phone and say happy birthday?, is it really that hard to remember to buy a card? I don't think so, and it makes me feel sad. I could never forget any of my babies birthdays. I could never go out of my way to make another humna being miserable yet they can and do with ease. Maybe my new years resolution should be to not give a damn about anyone or anything and be more like the people I love, maybe if they had a taste of their own medicine they might realise why I spend a lot of my nights of insomnia crying and writing this little blog. But I can't because it's not in my nature. Right now I would quite happily trade anything for just a small amount of the indifference they feel because I would just love to know how it feels to not be heartbroken even if only for a minute, because for them not even mattering enough to warrant a card is no big deal and I am jealous. All this emotion is draining, I am tired out from being disappointed that no-one gives a damn about my feelings and I am tired out from the knowledge I can't stop them from hurting me and I can't stop myself from getting hurt and the only option I seem to have open to me is to carry on doing the same shit over and over again year after year. What a depressing thought *sigh* maybe I will feel more positive in about 21 hours when 2007 is finally over and we can start off on a new page called 2008.

I know that I am batty

but I think that the bat part must be a fruit bat lol. It's not even 1 o'clock yet and I have already had kiwi fruit, orange juice, and oranges. I love fruit and vegetables so I don't have to really try to eat them but when there is two bowls within reaching distance it's hard to resist eating them lol. Now I just have to find a way to make the fruit bowls as appealing to Mark as the junk food box is because let's face it I will never be able to make him love fruit. I always remember us having loads of fruit at Christmas time my mum never seemed to buy it any other time but Nan made her at Christmas, Nan never has a empty fruit bowl and it's one of the reasons I love being here so much. I'm slowly finding that my Christmas Spirit is tied to the familiar things about the season as well as being mixed up with the new stuff I am trying to make it special. I'm still struggling with the whole being festive concept, it's not made any easier by being so ill. I am tired out and the constant coughing isn't helping at all. I have to wrap all Lukas's presents today and I have a couple of things to finish off making so it's going to be a busy day. I could really do with a couple of hours more sleep lol. But that is just not going to happen so it's about making the best of it. Trying to be happy and hoping that it will all work out ok.

Just got back from Lukas's school play

The teacher said at the end that she could see some of the parents wiping tears away and wasn't that sweet, I was wiping tears of laughter away do you think that counts?
Lets start with the line that made me giggle, although to my credit I did manage not to laugh out loud.
Little kid: "Sparkle was the brightest star in all the sky"
Lukas "No it isn't my Leo is"
Yep entirely my fault that one when I explained about Leo going to heaven I told him that Leo was a star in the sky. Having no clue which star was which or how I could point out just one that he would always be able to see, I told him Leo is always the star which looks the brightest to you, he's watching from up above and he shines brightest for you because he wants you to know that he is there.

He followed this up with a tiny row with the teacher sat next to him because she confiscated his star he was wearing. He kept taking it off because he wanted to chew the string on it and she didn't want him to do that so she took the star away and he wanted it back.

The funniest part for me was when he saw me afterwards trying to get at least one photo that wasn't pants and he told the little girl stood right in fron of him "will you move, my mum's trying to take pictures" lol. That's my boy alright. He was a lot better this year than last year he joined in some of the songs (not that I even knew he was going to be singing, I never know anything he's done at school. It's my job to be a proud mummy even if I am only proud that he didn't cause a major scene, that he never tried to get up and wonder off or that he didn't cry to come home when he saw me. You've come a long way baby, and I am one very proud mummy. It's just a shame that the pictures aren't any good. I can't see a way to make them salvageable. Oh well there's always next year lol.

This just doesn't seem to be our Christmas does it

Mark got a phone call earlier from David, his mum has been rushed into hospital. The only details we know are that Mark's dad had to call an ambulance (they live a few minutes from the hospital so it must have been bad) and she was severly dehydrated. Mark is being his usual self, doesn't seem very bothered but I do think he's hurt the only person his Dad bothered to phone was his sister Julie. Julie phoned David and then David called Mark. Nan's been back to the hospital today they wanted to admit her but agreed that she could do what they wanted to do at home, she has more prescriptions from them including a painkiller gel for her leg. I also happen to think that Christmas should be renamed the season of hypocrites, this morning I received a Christmas card in the post. It was addressed to Mr and Mrs C Blake. I thought that was pretty odd since only people who actually came to our wedding were aware that Mark took my name. I opened it to find a card from my Grandma (on my dad's side). She was invited to the wedding, and chose not to come even though my dad offered to bring her, the wedding card she sent only had my name on it same as the christmas card I received last year only had my name on it, which I found pretty insulting since she knew I was getting married to Mark and we have been a couple for 6 years but I never said anything. I sent her a thank you card and some wedding cake after my wedding, I know she had to have got it because I sent it recorded delivery so she had to sign for it, if she wasn't in it would have been returned to me because it was perishable, she never even let me know she had received it. But anyway I am getting away from the point which is that she hasn't bothered with me all year. When I opened the card I was even more annoyed, it was addressed to Crystal and David, yes I did say David. My husband is called Mark not difficult to remember since it's also my Dad's name is it. There was a card for Lukas (cheap, nasty and winnie the pooh) and a cheque for £30. No note or anything. I don't want her bloody money. I would have been a lot happier with a phone call occasionally. Or heck even for her to answer my phone calls or letters, but she doesn't because she's always been friendly with my mum. She chooses my mum over her own kids and I have no clue why. I haven't heard anything from my Dad since I rung him and reminded him that he had forgotten his grandson's birthday and he sent him a card and with cash in it. That was August. What is it with my family they think that they can throw money at people a couple of times a year and that's enough. But it's not just her and my dad, why is it everyone can go the whol year without acknowledging my existance and then send me a cheque/cash because it's christmas? Every year I am naive enough to believe that this year has to be better than the last one, and every year something happens and I am proved wrong. If we didn't have Lukas I might well do a Madonna and abandon the whole idea of Christmas.

Been a really crappy day!

Nan had yet another doctor's appointment today, her leg is still no better and the doctor made the decision that she needed to be admitted to hospital for treatment. The doctor called the hospital and amazed Nan by saying that she was sending a patient up to them, explained the issues with Nan's leg and then casually remarked that she also had double pneumonia but they thought that was under control with the antibiotics she was already on. I meant to post the other day but I forgot on Nan's last trip to the doctors (wednesday if your wondering), they told her that she had pleurisy. The chest infection has been an ongoing thing for weeks yet even after I think 4 sets of x-rays no-one thought to tell her what the problem was. Much to her annoyance she packed her suitcase and got Lisa to take her up there. Mark had to go to work so I was left alone to explain to Lukas where Nan was. I didn't even think before I said she was in hospital,he burst into tears. I gave him a cuddle and asked why he was crying, he told me that "when people go to hospital they die like my Leo". My heart nearly broke hearing him say that he's 5 years old and he's got the idea in his head that everyone who goes into hospital doesn't come back. Now I am suddenly understanding his reluctance to go to sleep when Mark is at work - he thinks Mark's going to die and not come back. When I told him that Nan was in the hospital where Daddy worked his sobs eased off a bit. He managed to get out "that's better, daddy's hospital is good, daddy comes home" before he went upstairs to be on his own. I just don't know what to do when he comes out with things like this. He's my son through and through when something bothers him he retreats inside himself. He doesn't want to be talked to or hugged he just wants to be alone. He's also a lot stronger physically than I am and when he doesn't want to be hugged there's nothing I can do to change his mind. We were both shocked a couple of hours later when we heard the front door, wondering who the heck it was we wondered downstairs to see and saw Nan. Apparently the hospital was absolutely filthy and after taking some bloods, writing up a few prescriptions (to be collected tomorrow I think) they decided that the best course of treatment was to send her home and for her to go daily to the clinic for some treatment. Am I the only one who thinks this is absolutely crazy? They didn't give her any painkillers or anything, dumbasses told her to take asprin she's always been told previously that she can't take asprin, I think because it reacts badly with one of her other medications but I can't remember exactly. What they did do was cover her leg in vaseline, don't ask me why I haven't a clue, Nan said something about her skin being dry but who am I to try and understand the mystery that is modern medicine. Good job I didn't go to the hospital with her, I might have been inclined to point out that she was there for a severe infection in the vein, a possible thrombosis and that the dry skin was the least of her worries. I honestly can't believe how shitty she has been treated the 1st doctor she saw when this started talked to her like she was senile or something. Everyone seems to be of the opinion that because she's old it doesn't matter if they do nothing since she isn't going to live much longer anyway. It drives me insane. I refuse to go to the doctors with her anymore because I always feel inclined to punch the doctor for talking down to her like she's a toddler and slapping her for letting them get away with it. She's not exactly a shy retiring old dear, I honestly don't understand why in the prescence of a doctor she lets them treat her like crap and dismiss her without a second thought. *sigh* I could rant for hours about dumb doctors.Today I have a list of stuff a mile long to get done and I haven't been to bed because I am hurting bad. Sounds like it's going to be a productive day all around doesn't it between worrying about Nan, feeling crappy and trying not to bang Lukas and Mark's heads together when they start the inevitable weekend task of bickering with each other constantly about anything and everything.

Stupid Stupid Stupid

Only an idiot would manage to do what I just did. I saved over the top of one of my layouts because I opened the wrong template. I am so frustrated with myself for being such a damn idiot. The layout caused me lots of headaches because I kept making silly mistakes I think the part that annoyed me the most is the one I saved over was one I was intending to print for Lukas, so I need to remake it. *Sigh* just another thing that I need to add to my to do list.

Do you ever get that

how the hell did that happen feeling? Earlier today I realised that it's less than 3 weeks until my 23rd birthday. I really don't understand where this year has gone to. But then I guess that applies to everything was it really 2 years ago that I turned 21? or 5 years ago that Lukas came to my 18th Birthday party? I seem to think quite often i've got ages before.............. and then all of a sudden it's the day before and nothing is done, then I am running around like a headless chicken trying to get organized. That's how I end up making pillowboxes for Lukas's class the night before they needed to go to school. That's why it's the 11th December and I still haven't even wrote out a Christmas Card, I haven't bought a single gift and basically I am starting to feel a little overwhelmed by all the stuff I am being pressured to get done by Nan. Every sentance seems to end with "it's got to be done before christmas". I quite often just feel like saying Why? I am tired out, I feel really ill and I am utterly fed up and miserable. I can't wait for it all to be over. Roll on the new year so I can try and get back to something resembling normal.

Giving the gift that keeps on giving - Chickens

Yes I know with every post I make lately you get more and more convinced that I have lost my mind completely. But with a bit of explanation today's will make sense I promise. To help you understand a bit better you need a bit of background on Lukas's school. Lukas goes to Pegasus school and they have a program (that I don't completely understand) with another school in Africa. Over the school holidays some of the teachers went over there to help out. Through the year every fundraising event the school does they donate a proportion of the money to this other school. Tonight we went to Lukas's Christmas Fete along with all the usual sales and games we found some really interesting things like a Santa's Grotto (£1.50 and Lukas got a little present), The nativity petting zoo (£0.50 each to see donkeys, sheep etc) and then we stumbled across a table covered in cards. On closer inspection we saw that these cards were a gift for christmas to give to someone else.
The card reads:I've given you some chickens for Christmas, but you don't have to look after them! They've been given to Nakanyonyi Primary School, near Jinja in Uganda. The Chickens' eggs will feed orphans and some will be sold to buy pencils and exercise books for the school. So............ your present is bringing happiness to lots of children in Uganda and, I hope, to you too! Happy Christmas. Your voucher is on the back of the card.
The voucher says: £1.00 voucher, the money raised from the sale of this voucher will be used solely for the purpose of purchasing chickens for Nakanyonyi Primary School.
They had three different "vouchers" for sale £1.00 bought 5 chickens, £10.00 bought 100 chickens and I think the other one was £25 bought 1000 chickens but I could be slightly wrong on the last one. We bought 5 chickens and no I don't intend to gift them to someone, I just felt like doing some charitable and cute Lukas's school got £1, the other school got 5 chickens and me well I got the satisfaction of knowing we had done something nice for someone else and something new to scrap about lol.

Sometimes it's about taking one for the team

it's about finding that one thing that you have to offer that can make someone else's day, it's about finding those sacrifices that you are willing to make. It can be something as simple as not moaning about the incessant sport just to keep the peace for a little while or something as hard as making a decision that you don't completely agree with just because there are bigger things you need to argue about. I told you yesterday that I feel like I am fighting a war in my head, fighting myself well sometimes in order to win you have to concede a few defeats. Today I think I may have lost some ground with myself but in doing so I think I have levelled the playing field for tomorrow. But I guess there's no way to know for sure except to wait and see. *sigh* sometimes I wish life came with a road map so at least I knew where I was trying to go but i'd settle for an instruction manual.

Confused and miserable

There are so many things going on in my head, I feel utterly miserable and like I am at war with myself, being pulled in so many directions that one day I will just be torn to shreds. I wish there was some way to just make peace with myself but I can't see one. When you throw in the directions that everyone else is pulling me in I wonder how I am still in one piece.Before anyone goes searching through my blog to see what I am talking about, don't bother up until now I have done all the fighting inside my head. I have argued with myself over all of it but now I have reached breaking point and I need an outlet. When I reached my breaking point of sadness when Leo died I turned to scrapbooking. I needed a release, I needed to preserve his memory, I needed to create something. Now what I need is a different release I need somewhere to offload some of the things onto to, I need to be able to make space in my head, I need to see the problems clearer so I can try and find a way to fix them without losing myself along the way, I need to find a way to recover all of myself that I have already lost but most of all I just need somewhere to vent and that's why I have a blog. It may not seem like much but this little old blog has helped me a great many times. It has saved my sanity, and been my reference point when I have felt lost. It's helped me remember things that would have otherwise been lost. Words are my saviour but today they seem to have deserted me. I can't find the words and without the words I can't find the inner peace I am so desperate to find.

Hi ho hi ho it's off to shop we go

first up we went to Cowley Centre and picked up a few bits, then into Oxford City Centre and bought Lukas some new clothes and then onto Milton Keynes. It's the best day we have had in a long time,took Lukas to see two different Santa's, we took loads of photos including Lukas with Santa and Lukas with some guys dressed up as Dumbledore and Harry Potter, Lukas rode the carousel twice and we came home tired but content. The little guy came home with new clothes, new dvd's, new books, a watergun and a magic set from his visits to see Santa, a new teddy bear, a cuddly toy reindeer. I can't really remember what else I bought, I know that we have a framed photo of him on Santa's lap, a fidge magnet and a keyring. We ordered a newspaper front cover from them as well that has to be posted though and we even have a really nice photo of all of us with Santa that the lovely elf took with my camera. Lukas was completely wiped out and slept the whole way home and then crashed completely a little while after we got home. I am tired but I can't seem to sleep. We got completely soaked to the skin when the rain started and we tried out some items from the new Macdonalds seasonal menu which was so yummy we ended up ordering the same again when we got back to Oxford lol. I am rambling a bit I know but I am happy and that's what I do when I am happy the words trip over each other in eagerness to escape. I can't remember the last time we spent a day as a family and had a really nice time.We so needed this after the week we have had. I can't wait to scrap the photos we took, and I am excited I want to get everything down so I don't forget what a great day we had but my brain doesn't want to work right tonight because I am so tired. Hopefully this will jog my memory enough to journal about the day properly tomorrow lol.