I don't "do" religion, but sometimes things get so bad that even I feel like getting on my knees and begging whoever lives up there to help. Strangely I only feel compelled to pray for other people, I feel like I dont need God's help. A Close friend recently found out she had a blood disorder similar to leaukemia. Everything the doctors have tried has failed, none of her siblings are a match for bone marrow and shes going downhill fast. She spent almost her entire life suffering abuse both mental and physical her husband died last year and for the first time ever she was free. The injustice of it all is what gets me. I want to pray for peace for her, I want to make sure that she doesn't suffer anymore, but I also want to pray that shes not alone.
When we lost Leo I took comfort from the fact that unlike my great great grandmother he wasn't alone. Death scares me I hate to see the essence of humanity and personality slipping away. Leaving behind an empty shell that we are supposed to say goodbye to. Its just not the same. Ever since I was a little girl, I made a point never to go to bed after an arguement with Nan without telling her I love her. I have always been scared I will wake up and she will be gone and she wont know I love her. Actually that applies to everyone except my mum because shes just not the sort of person who would listen to or ever say the words I love you. Family is important to me. I have even woken Lukas on occasion because hes gone to bed in a strop and I haven't told him I love him.
The downside to family is that they are a thankless lot, they expect things from you because you are family and thanking you for doing it never crosses their mind. The explanation for this statement comes from this weekend. We did a good deed for Joshua (Marks nephew), we offered to have him for the night because hes always filthy and looks underfed. By having him for one night every so often it means we do what we can to help - bathing him, giving him some decent food and giving him a fun time. He's hard work at the best of times because he hasn't been given rules or taught No. Everytime we have him it costs us money because we have to buy him new clothes they dont bother and I will not be seen with him wearing filthy nasty clothes that are too small for him. This time they dropped him off Saturday morning and announced they were coming to get him Monday. Yep way longer than one night. But we didn't argue. We spent the whole weekend with a screaming 18 month old because we wouldn't let him throw toys, have tantrums and hit Lukas. When they came to get him we didn't even get a thanks for having him. Thats what hurts. All I wanted was a bit of gratitude. I know that a good deed should be its own reward but sometimes its not. We also spent money on Marks niece because her mum is short of cash. Yet she finds money for her cigarettes - strange. I dont begrudge doing it, but the parts that annoy me are
1. It would never work the other way
2. Nobody really appeciates what we do
When I do things like this I feel like a doormat. I feel like I am letting people walk all over me.
But most of all I feel used and that makes me miserable. I think tomorrow I will try a positive blog entry we haven't had one yet I dont think
1 comment:
Hi! It's been a while since i stopped by.
Yes, they are using you but look at it from the child's point of view (when he gets a little older and stops the tantrums...)he will know that he is loved by you! Something that can never be taken away! Just as you did, keep firmly explaining to him that you love him but that he will not be allowed to hit, and that no means just that..."you may not." You know that limits must be set and that none have been set for him...as discouraging as it can be with all the crying, you are doing the best thing for him. Keep in mind that you are doing it for him and it will make things easier. Not to step out of line here, but think of it as also doing something for the ones you've lost...it will help not pull you down about what goes on.
I am sorry about your friend. I know that it is hard. I don't believe that miracles are here on earth anymore, but I do believe that God watches and has a plan greater than what I can understand and yes, I firmly believe in prayer and a higher being. I know he is there. Part of the reason that I haven't been here is that within a week, 3 very close to me people died. It has hit really hard. One was diagnosed with inoperable cancer 6 months ago. I won't go into details, but it looked like through experimental treatments that he might get better. On Tues., he was taken to the emergency room, spent a bad night Weds., moved to hospice on Thurs. and died Saturday early. When as the preacher's wife I had to call people to tell them that he was not going to make it, people asked me what to pray for since he wasn't going to get better...my words were "pray that he not be in pain, pray that he isn't afraid and pray that God takes him quickly." Perhaps some of that could be your prayer for her.
Yes, I agree that what you see is just a shell...my kids wanted to go see our friend...my answer was just that..."the body that is there is just a shell...the Mr. __ that you knew isn't there. The Mr._____ that you knew is the one you can remember in your heart and in your head-- the who lead prayers in church at the Lord's table, gave you a job and paid you in advance because he knew you would do it, no matter what and the man who gave your dad a hard time in Bible class."
Prayer is a good thing...King David prayed to God about the loss of his child and he grieved for the death that was pending...still, he had no peace--the outcome wasn't changed, but David was stronger for it. Jesus prayed that "this cup pass" but he also knew "not my will but thine." If there is any comfort in prayer, you will find it. If it eases your mind, then pray. It doesn't to be perfect or profund...God reads the heart and the Holy Spirit "speaks the things we cannot utter."
I saw you stopped by my pitiful blog the other day...pathetic isn't it? However, it pricked my heart to forget my losses and to come check on you.
Please know that you and your family as well as your dear friend are in my prayers. I know that you have a rough time with the inquest coming up...that will also be in my prayers.
Corri
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