Until the inquest. I have been keeping busy trying new techniques today I dont really want to think of it. One more day and then its all over, theres a part of me that never wants it to be over. Let me try and explain, I know hes gone and I miss him like hell but until that piece of paper is in my hand he's gone and not dead if that makes sense. I hate that word, its just horrible. Our friend is getting even more sick and doctors have told her to put her affairs in order. Shes currently fighting with them to try more chemotherapy they are relunctant because of the infection she is fighting and losing against.
Im truly fed up with people I care about dying and being ill. If there is a god and you should know my opinions on that by now, it should stop being so selfish and taking away everyone I love. I dont care if its taking them to a eutopia, I need them for a bit longer first. I dont want to say goodbyes again yet. Cancers and Leukemias are evil they strip away the person you love and leave a shell that unrecognisable as a person. Some people like Marks mum get better and never think to change anything in their life they carry on being the same kind of people they were before. The bit thats the cruelest for me is they always leave for heaven when their lives here were getting better. Take Leo he was getting to be a normal baby not just the premature "thing" the hospital and doctors labelled him as. Our friend Lorraine was amazing and just when she was planning on doing what she wanted, she finally lost her ongoing battle against kidney failure. Bizarrely it was just after getting the transplant she had waited almost her whole life for. Our friend Yvonne the one I have been talking about finally got to the point where she could buy clothes and funiture she liked. She wasn't under anyones control anymore now shes fighting for something that should be her right: to live her life the way she has always wanted to.
There are other people that we have loved and lost, but I dont need to list details I have made my point. Its the imbalance of the world I hate most. Marks mum and his brother are not nice people they care only about themselves etc yet both of them have had scares where they could have died and yet still behave the same. Thousands of people are desperate for a baby yet even more people each day walk into a clinic and just choose to have an abortion because the baby was inconveinient. Same as the suicide bombers and even just people who willingly kill themselves but dont stop to think of the other people they could hurt, family, friends, innocent people, especially the people that have to deal with the aftermath. Everyone in this world is entitled to make their own choices, I firmly believe that but I also believe that sometimes people need to consider people other than just themselves when they make those choices. I dont feel like I get to make many of my own choices. If I did get to choose exactly what I wanted it would be really simple, I would wish for a family that loved me like I love them, I would wish for a second chance of Leo even just that last week would make me happy but most of all I would wish that the people I love didn't leave until they had done the one thing that they desired. So basically I would wish that they were happy. How about you in your ideal world what three things would you wish for?
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