We have kind of given up on the hope of a miracle for Yvonne now, when Nan visited her earlier her son said he didn't think she would last the night. We only hope now that her passing is peaceful and painless. When I was younger I used to hate her she was such a grumpy old woman. As I grew up and got to know her more I liked her, once you know why someone is grumpy and rude its easier to understand them as a person. Im going to miss her a lot. I am also really worried about how Nan will take it. I feel at a loss for things to say a rarity for me. I really dont like life at the moment. I have been thinking long and hard about the direction I would like to take next. I wonder about my relationship with Mark and even at times Lukas. I cried today a lot, set off by silly things. Lukas gave his teacher at school some flowers that he had picked and he drunk milk from a proper big cup, I was hurt and angry that he thinks more of someone hes met only a few times than me. The picking flowers is our special thing. He always does that for me. I feel like I am being replaced as his mum. The bit that hurt me the most was when he looked at me and said mummy I love my teacher, I honestly felt my heart break. He says he loves me as well but I dont want to share him, hes mine and he's all I have. I also had the urge to chuck dinner at Mark because he screwed it up. My temper seems to be a bit like a volcano waiting to erupt, I have tried expressing myself to Mark but when im saying the same things repeatedly over and over and hes not listening I want to hurt him. Hes ignorant, selfish, lazy and disgusting most of the time. Its hard to drag up a memory of the last time he was really sweet or loving or even when he was the same person I fell in love with. He different and I dont really like the person he has become, I do love him I think but right now I dont like him.
Im hoping things will get better when he goes back to work and we get some space, but I think the only cure is him waking up one day and seeing the problems we have. But who knows if that will ever happen. I promised you a long rambly thread about the inquest didn't I, sorry but I dont feel like talking about that today.