Rubbishy Day

This morning was Yvonnes funeral. I have never attended a Catholic funeral before. She would have been so proud to see what a wonderful way her son organised to say goodbye.The horse and carriage was beautiful. The horses had tails right down to the floor. It was a real nightmare trying to keep Lukas quiet in the church. The more I told him to be quiet and even begged, threatened and bribed the louder he got. I apologies to the vicar and he said I had nothing to apologise for, that Lukas was very good. Maybe it just seemed worse to me because I was embarrased. Its quite a common thing for us we go somewhere, Lukas makes a pain of himself we apologise and everyone else thinks we are mad and says he was really good. Im a bit down today I am really tired lately, have little motivation to do anything. Got my period this morning which made me a little sad. Right now what I want to do is go to sleep. Later on or probably more likely tomorrow, I want to talk about the World Cup and England. But right now I am too tired. So off to bed night x

hands up who thinks a vets would be more appropriate

I have a doctors appointment this morning lol.
Oh what fun thats going to be she wants blood, last time was quite a few attempts and she didn't even get a drop.
Theres a few other things she wants to do as well so might come back and post later x

The hard drive is possessed with the desire to wind me up!

Remember the huge moan about my hard drive munching my files?
Well it did it again today and lost my complete collection of dedicated2digital 12x12 kits.
I swore at it, I threatened it, I swore some more at it and then I felt sick.
I went through all of the folders, run a restore on it - nothing.
I was uploading a layout when I thought to explore it using leapftp. Leap FTP is my hero!!
It found a hidden folder containing all of my kits. Then I just moved them back onto the new git drive I meant G: Drive lol and then moved them where they are supposed to be.
So now almost everything is where it should be and tomorrow I get the fun task of moving my unsorted kits onto it -oh joy lol.
I really love digiscrapping when all my files are sorted and I dont have to search for ages to find what I am looking for I will be happy. There are some new layouts on my scrapbook pages blog if you want to have a look.

More happy happy

Well theres good news, great news and nothing to moan about so what shall we start with?
Lets start with the good news I went to a crop this evening at www.scrapbookersplayground.com Mark bought the crop kit for me, Summer Delights by Janette Padley I got a really cute little cd album for attending and I won a prize for being the first person to answer one of the trivia questions about the designer. Yay
Great news my new toy is now my silver angel again we managed to recover everything we thought it had eaten so I am currently one happy mummy.
My silver angel is currently transferring yet more files. Making space so I can acquire even more digi stash!

Why do I have to open my big mouth

Remember my ultra happy post from the other day, I spoke way too soon.
The beautiful silver hardrive that I have spent most of today trying to move stuff onto - Has decided that its unreadable. Great! (not) I hopefully haven't lost much I backed up recently and knowing me any new kits will still be in the store folder I assign them to when I first download them. Obviously there is a small chance that I may have actually sorted some files that weren't backed up.
I have come to the opinion that I despise Lukas's nursery teacher. Condescending cow. Im fed up with being spoken to like I am thick and having her think Mark is wonderful and the sun arises each day from his backside.
I ordered some more clothes on Nans insistance. Should give you a bit more background then that. For my birthday Nan decided that the best gift she could give me would be to open a store card and let me spend so much a month on it. She got it for my favourite clothes store so the *idea* is that I spend between £20-40 a month on clothes. I have more clothes than space so I kind of just forget to get the card off her. So she made me order some stuff. A new white dress, still questioning the logic of white clothing with my ability to spill/be spilled on. Some tops and she was happy.
Onto a mini rant now, shopping channel ideal world charged me £14 something in postage today for wait for it 3 items of clothing.!! Extortionate it was all placed as one order so surely there should have only been 1 p&p I will be complaining about that once the stuff arrives.
Something to make you smile. I am an idiot it is confirmed! LOL
Suppose I should confess to why I am an idiot I have been moaning for the last few weeks that I have been unable to withdraw money from my bank account. Long story short I was trying to withdraw money with a card that had been cancelled! I left it in my wallet s Lukas could play with it because it was defective and I had been taking the wrong one out. *sigh* If I had half a brain I would be dangerous. LOL
Fathers Day Mark got some sexy boxers but I think they are more my present than his lol
and some boring socks.
We got his dad some huge playing cards and some poker chips and a mouse mat. Marks mum and Dad play cards with friends at least once a week.
What else, um Yvonnes funeral is a week today and I dont have anything to wear lol. They have decided they dont want flowers they would like donations to the hospital which I think is a shame. Yvonne loved flowers and her garden was one of her passions.
The 40 Days of Scrapping Purpose is going to be run again at www.divinedigital.com so I might actually manage to finish it.
The new kits by dedicated2digital go on sale soon at www.dedicated2digital.com, December is a very talented designer but doesn't really get the coverage she deserves. Maybe now that there is a wonderful layout design team set up that will change.

Im bored now and I have run out of things to say, I might be back later to moan about Lukas's teacher or as I prefer to think of her the hound from hell lol

Happy Happy Happy

See I can do positive and cheerful. But before I do I will say I am still happy despite being shattered from no sleep and getting drowned in the rain lol.
I have my new hard drive 400GB of space for me to fill with digi stash heaven. Also have a new camera 5 mega pixels, 4x digital zoom, light and gorgeous silver. I am in love. Have some new clothes that not only *shock* *horror*- fit, but are you sitting down *whispers and they are comfortable* its a miracle. lol.
Lukas has a few new bits and pieces and we have the stuff to fix the computer issues we have had of late. Mark has a few new games to play.
So all in all life is good.

Updates

The heat here has been unbearable for the last few days, give me freezing winter anytime.
This has meant that our wireless router has overheated frequently, I have hardly been able to check my emails even stupid thing, so now we have resorted to hardwiring the desktop machine and losing the internet connection for the laptop. At least until it cools down or we can buy a better router.
So apart from the heat what else has been going on,
Yvonne passed away early on the 9th of June. Her funeral is currently being planned and will be amazing with a horse drawn carriage and limosines for her family. Im pleased that her son is making such an effort to give her a lovely send off , just a shme shes not here to enjoy it.
Lukas goes to nursery for full sessions now and I dont even have to stay. Hes looking forward to the trip to the wildlife park soon.
England won their first game in the world cup 1-0 due to an own goal by Paraguay. We play again on Thursday against Trinidad and Tobago. I love football and get really into cheering when they score, im patriotic lol. But I also cheered when Australia won 3-1 this afternoon. Its great to see teams people dont really consider winning.
What else oh Mark has been signed off work for another 4 weeks because of worries about infection in his thumb, the good news is he seems to be a lot more like the old Mark now the anti-depressants are kicking in. Its slow but steady progress we will get there eventually.
I promised some more detail about the inquest didn't I, ok here goes:
Cause of death was narrowed down to two possibilities neither of which they could prove or disprove, the first was that water had caused the back of his throat to spasm and temporarily stop him breathing as a response everything shut down in his system. This could have been from even a tiny bit of water like Lukas splashing. The second was that the infection they found present had overcome his system. The effects of this virus have not been widely established in small babies. Drowning was definately ruled out as was abuse, or an accident.
There was a lovely letter written by doctor about how she thought I was "capable and caring beyond my years". The coroner himself also stated that I obviously cared a lot for not only Leo but Lukas as well. They talked a little about my past medical history which annoyed me but they never actually questioned my abilites as a mother. The neurologist from the hospital said I seemed unaware of how ill Leo was, I knew I just didn't show them my tears, thats not me. When they told us we had lost Gaiebraille, they said I didn't care or understand because I didn't cry. They didn't see the total breakdown in the car park afterwards. Only Mark has really seen how much I hurt same as only Mark knows the real me and why I am the person I am.
I have to make a doctors appointment soon so they can try and get to the root of some of the medical issues, the doctor seems to think some things will get better if I get pregnant but I disagree, I would love another baby but right now I am too tired to do the job of being a mother as well as I want to.
So my current plans are to :
1. Feel better somehow
2. Lose some weight but exercise is impossible at the moment I am shattered for a few days after my weekly swimming session with Lukas.
3. I have some scrapping projects in mind. One is to scrap TV programmes from my childhood and Marks and then from Lukas's so he can see not only what he liked but what we did as well. The second is to scrap things that made my life better that he probably wont get to see inventions, fashions etc. They are big projects but I think they will help Lukas to know who I am. But first I need to find some drive and inspiration maybe they are sunning themselves in the horrible heat lol.
I might pop back later and ramble some more xx

We have kind of given up on the hope of a miracle for Yvonne now, when Nan visited her earlier her son said he didn't think she would last the night. We only hope now that her passing is peaceful and painless. When I was younger I used to hate her she was such a grumpy old woman. As I grew up and got to know her more I liked her, once you know why someone is grumpy and rude its easier to understand them as a person. Im going to miss her a lot. I am also really worried about how Nan will take it. I feel at a loss for things to say a rarity for me. I really dont like life at the moment. I have been thinking long and hard about the direction I would like to take next. I wonder about my relationship with Mark and even at times Lukas. I cried today a lot, set off by silly things. Lukas gave his teacher at school some flowers that he had picked and he drunk milk from a proper big cup, I was hurt and angry that he thinks more of someone hes met only a few times than me. The picking flowers is our special thing. He always does that for me. I feel like I am being replaced as his mum. The bit that hurt me the most was when he looked at me and said mummy I love my teacher, I honestly felt my heart break. He says he loves me as well but I dont want to share him, hes mine and he's all I have. I also had the urge to chuck dinner at Mark because he screwed it up. My temper seems to be a bit like a volcano waiting to erupt, I have tried expressing myself to Mark but when im saying the same things repeatedly over and over and hes not listening I want to hurt him. Hes ignorant, selfish, lazy and disgusting most of the time. Its hard to drag up a memory of the last time he was really sweet or loving or even when he was the same person I fell in love with. He different and I dont really like the person he has become, I do love him I think but right now I dont like him.
Im hoping things will get better when he goes back to work and we get some space, but I think the only cure is him waking up one day and seeing the problems we have. But who knows if that will ever happen. I promised you a long rambly thread about the inquest didn't I, sorry but I dont feel like talking about that today.

All over bar the paperwork

The recorded result is an open verdict with cause of death unascertainable but with no more avenues to pursue case is closed.
We have a form to fill in so we can apply for a death certificate.
I will be back later to add a long rambly post about all the details.

Down to just hours now

Until the inquest. I have been keeping busy trying new techniques today I dont really want to think of it. One more day and then its all over, theres a part of me that never wants it to be over. Let me try and explain, I know hes gone and I miss him like hell but until that piece of paper is in my hand he's gone and not dead if that makes sense. I hate that word, its just horrible. Our friend is getting even more sick and doctors have told her to put her affairs in order. Shes currently fighting with them to try more chemotherapy they are relunctant because of the infection she is fighting and losing against.
Im truly fed up with people I care about dying and being ill. If there is a god and you should know my opinions on that by now, it should stop being so selfish and taking away everyone I love. I dont care if its taking them to a eutopia, I need them for a bit longer first. I dont want to say goodbyes again yet. Cancers and Leukemias are evil they strip away the person you love and leave a shell that unrecognisable as a person. Some people like Marks mum get better and never think to change anything in their life they carry on being the same kind of people they were before. The bit thats the cruelest for me is they always leave for heaven when their lives here were getting better. Take Leo he was getting to be a normal baby not just the premature "thing" the hospital and doctors labelled him as. Our friend Lorraine was amazing and just when she was planning on doing what she wanted, she finally lost her ongoing battle against kidney failure. Bizarrely it was just after getting the transplant she had waited almost her whole life for. Our friend Yvonne the one I have been talking about finally got to the point where she could buy clothes and funiture she liked. She wasn't under anyones control anymore now shes fighting for something that should be her right: to live her life the way she has always wanted to.
There are other people that we have loved and lost, but I dont need to list details I have made my point. Its the imbalance of the world I hate most. Marks mum and his brother are not nice people they care only about themselves etc yet both of them have had scares where they could have died and yet still behave the same. Thousands of people are desperate for a baby yet even more people each day walk into a clinic and just choose to have an abortion because the baby was inconveinient. Same as the suicide bombers and even just people who willingly kill themselves but dont stop to think of the other people they could hurt, family, friends, innocent people, especially the people that have to deal with the aftermath. Everyone in this world is entitled to make their own choices, I firmly believe that but I also believe that sometimes people need to consider people other than just themselves when they make those choices. I dont feel like I get to make many of my own choices. If I did get to choose exactly what I wanted it would be really simple, I would wish for a family that loved me like I love them, I would wish for a second chance of Leo even just that last week would make me happy but most of all I would wish that the people I love didn't leave until they had done the one thing that they desired. So basically I would wish that they were happy. How about you in your ideal world what three things would you wish for?

Boo Boo Updates

Just thought you all might like to know, Mark had day surgery on his hand they removed the nail cleaned everything up and have stitched the nail back on. He has to go see the nurse to have the stitches out and cant go back to work until he has been back to clinic for a check up in 6 weeks. I have spent this evening helping him have a bath and doing every simple thing for him like buttering toast and making tea. Hes completely dependant on his right hand which he cant use lol.Leos inquest on Tuesday I am so not looking forward to it. Usually anything major causes my head to do its weird routine of fits and blackouts, and Mark steps in to help. With him needing looking after if the usual happens I dont know how we will manage.I did promise a positive post didn't I, sorry dont think thats going to happen this month. I've heard that a few of my friends are pregnant lately and a few other people have had miscarriages. To be honest I dont know which affects me more. I get jealous when I hear other people are pregnant but I am also thrilled for them - obviously unless its someone who doesn't care for the kids they have. Then I just get mad. When I hear people have lost their babies I feel so sad for them because I know how it feels. I seem to have been more down lately than usual. The constant headaches and pain are getting to me more, the insomnia has returned with a passion and nothing helps. The other night I took a concoction of painkillers with vodka and I was still wide awake with a headache. I went to the doctors and I get told its stress, I only feel stressed when no-one will help, some days they are so bad I just want to scream. I have tried everything I can think of, tired or a headache I could cope with but not both. I also dont get any peace Mark and Lukas are constantly bickering and im trying to work and be my usual self and I just miss my days with just Lukas lol. Time to lay down and try and relax doubt it will happen but if it doesn't I can always come back and moan some more rofl.

Day full of boo boos

What is it with men and tools? How can they turn a simple do it yourself task into a massive blood fest?
Mark goes into garden to do something in the shed. Im sat upstairs minding my own business and trying to watch last ever episode of Charmed. His mother comes up and says he needs to go to A&E because hes cut the top of his thumb off. I go racing downstairs and find the garden looks like a horrow film, blood everywhere, Marks sat on decking with kitchen roll wrapped around his hand and blood still dripping. He removes the paper and I see a bloody mess and a big hole in his thumb. Off he goes with his dad to A&E. I come back upstairs and try to watch Charmed with a screaming Lukas because he wanted to go hospital with daddy. In the hours they spent at the hospital Lukas managed to whack his leg and has a cut right across it. Combined with the minor other stuff he did. Mark comes home with a hugs bandage on it and has to go to another hospital to have a surgical team assess the damage. Apparently a shard of bone is wedged in the wound. The worst thing about it all is its his right hand and he is the biggest baby I have ever met, I am going to have to do absolutely everything, oh joy. I am sympathetic I really am, but this is the same man who shaved his legs for a dare (by me) and who went on constantly about it for 3 weeks. This is also the man who had a runny nose and went and spent over £10 in boots on decongestants and pain medication. See why I am not looking forward to the time following yet another one of his silly accidents. On the up side I have X-Ray photos and bandage photos and will probably have gory gross photos to scrap as well, so its not all bad lol.

Sometimes even I resort to praying

I don't "do" religion, but sometimes things get so bad that even I feel like getting on my knees and begging whoever lives up there to help. Strangely I only feel compelled to pray for other people, I feel like I dont need God's help. A Close friend recently found out she had a blood disorder similar to leaukemia. Everything the doctors have tried has failed, none of her siblings are a match for bone marrow and shes going downhill fast. She spent almost her entire life suffering abuse both mental and physical her husband died last year and for the first time ever she was free. The injustice of it all is what gets me. I want to pray for peace for her, I want to make sure that she doesn't suffer anymore, but I also want to pray that shes not alone.
When we lost Leo I took comfort from the fact that unlike my great great grandmother he wasn't alone. Death scares me I hate to see the essence of humanity and personality slipping away. Leaving behind an empty shell that we are supposed to say goodbye to. Its just not the same. Ever since I was a little girl, I made a point never to go to bed after an arguement with Nan without telling her I love her. I have always been scared I will wake up and she will be gone and she wont know I love her. Actually that applies to everyone except my mum because shes just not the sort of person who would listen to or ever say the words I love you. Family is important to me. I have even woken Lukas on occasion because hes gone to bed in a strop and I haven't told him I love him.
The downside to family is that they are a thankless lot, they expect things from you because you are family and thanking you for doing it never crosses their mind. The explanation for this statement comes from this weekend. We did a good deed for Joshua (Marks nephew), we offered to have him for the night because hes always filthy and looks underfed. By having him for one night every so often it means we do what we can to help - bathing him, giving him some decent food and giving him a fun time. He's hard work at the best of times because he hasn't been given rules or taught No. Everytime we have him it costs us money because we have to buy him new clothes they dont bother and I will not be seen with him wearing filthy nasty clothes that are too small for him. This time they dropped him off Saturday morning and announced they were coming to get him Monday. Yep way longer than one night. But we didn't argue. We spent the whole weekend with a screaming 18 month old because we wouldn't let him throw toys, have tantrums and hit Lukas. When they came to get him we didn't even get a thanks for having him. Thats what hurts. All I wanted was a bit of gratitude. I know that a good deed should be its own reward but sometimes its not. We also spent money on Marks niece because her mum is short of cash. Yet she finds money for her cigarettes - strange. I dont begrudge doing it, but the parts that annoy me are
1. It would never work the other way
2. Nobody really appeciates what we do
When I do things like this I feel like a doormat. I feel like I am letting people walk all over me.
But most of all I feel used and that makes me miserable. I think tomorrow I will try a positive blog entry we haven't had one yet I dont think