The sadder I seem to feel the more people it seems to have an effect on. Seeing other people sad makes me sad but so does seeing happy people. So around and around in circles seems to be the theme for today.
Feel happy>Feel guilty>Feel sad>Feel miserable>Cry>Smile> and were back to the beginning again.
We took Lukas to the fair this evening and surrounded by happy people I felt miserable. Why, because if I still had Leo we wouldn't be dragging to a fair when its dark, wouldn't be able to go on rides because we would have a pushchair. If I was still pregnant I wouldn't have been able to go to the fair because the flashing lights would have bought on another fit and I would have been banned from going on anything I like (fast or spinning basically anything that makes you want to puke LOL). That seems to be the problem with everything we do lately I keep thinking about how we wouldn't be able to do it if we still had Leo and Im always thinking about what he would have been doing now. The worst part is there are times when im glad we dont have Leo like last weekend there was a cybercrop at UK Scrappers and I went into scrapping overdrive and on strike as a mum and watching Mark and Lukas fight over silly things and Mark looking like he just couldn't cope I was glad we only had one for him to deal with which then made me feel guilty. I cant help but think of the things which have happened since losing Leo the things that have changed and while I undersatnd that I cant change what has happened and despite not wanting to I have regrets. I dont know where to go next to make things better and get out of this hole of misery we seem to be living in theres a part of me that just wants to hide so I cant spread this depression to anyone else.
1 comment:
Depression is contageous but so is caring and hope.
Just checking in to see how you are doing.
Corri/mlmmmom
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