Sometimes it all gets too much

The green eyed monster has decided to make an appearance today, I have been avoiding seeing Joshua since we found out about the baby. Seeing how little they care for him winds me up at the best of times. I went downstairs to use the loo not even knowing anyone else was downstairs. I forgot that David still had a key from before he got married and uses it whenever he feels like. So not only did I have a massive shock seeing them down there I had to see Josh. Today wasn't the best day for it. Im feeling kinda low today the lack of sleep and constant pain is starting to get to me. When I looked at Josh in dirty filthy clothes, still looking hugely underweight I wanted to weep oh alright I wanted to punch his mother first. She doesn't give a damn about him and the injustice of it all really gets me. Three babies who were loved and desired and wanted aren't here with me where they should be. Yet children like Josh are left to be neglected. It sucks. He then fell off the trampoline in the garden and has a massive lump on his head, who was the stupid idiot getting ice and arnica to make it better - not his bloody mother thats for sure. I asked if he could have a doughnut he dropped it in the garden and picked it up I tried to stop him and they just say "oh leave him" I wouldn't treat an animal like they treat him. I want to kill his mum and dad for treating him like that for not caring about him. Theres a part of me that wishes they could feel even 1/10th of the pain we have had to and normally I wouldn't wish suffering on anyone. Sometimes I feel like the weight of the sadness is so heavy I cant get up from under it. I feel like its crushing me. One of the challenges the other day at divine digital for the 40 days of scrapping purpose was to scrap a layout about your dreams, Ever heard the saying a dream is a wish your heart makes ? The thing is dreams should be obtainable they might be a slim chance but they need to have some chance to happen - like winning the lottery. So how come the only thing I dream about is having Leo back? Thats not a dream thats impossible. I can never have Leo back. Earlier on a saw a great quote "If tears could build a stairway and memories were a lane,we would walk right up to heaven and bring you back again". Lukas goes to nursery school soon and instead of being in my mind as us moving forward all it does is drive home the fact that its getting closer to the day where I will be alone for whole days when I should be at home looking after Gaiebraille or Leo or baby Ambrose. I cant get a job to occupy my mind because of the stupid health problems that no-one seems to be able to explain so what do I do with all of those hours? Sometimes life in general just gets to me and I want to sit and sob or sleep and wake up when who ever is controlling the universe has their design sorted so kids aren't made to suffer like Josh does and adults aren't made to suffer like we have had to, where people who dont want there kids can give them to couples desperately waiting for one instead of having an abortion hey its my perfect world I can dream cant I