Monday, April 17, 2006
Dawn sorrow.
Well its 5:33am and surprise suprise I cant sleep again. This is getting stupid im up all night because I lay in bed wide awake my head filled with a mixture of emotion that I have no way of processing. I pass out from exhaustion and then sleep which means I am wide awake the next night again. I tried staying awake. I tried going to bed early but the end result is always the same. Too many thoughts and too many hours. I think of what might have been if I still had our babies. I wonder what happens next and what other heartbreaks we are going to have to face. My head races with the things I should be doing, the areas I am failing miserably and I run over ideas for layouts and projects in my head. I wonder if Lukas will wake up one day and realise what a rubbish mum I have been. I worry that hes going to resent all the things hes missed out on because of me being ill. Most of all I worry that one day hes going to say he hates me. I was watching Harry Potter the other day, I wish I had a pensieve like Dumbledore somewhere to remove some of my thoughts to so I could actually look at them and consider them instead of having them all crash around inside. Marks no help. Sometimes I get the feeling that he feels nothing over the loss of our baby. I know he must feel something but when he doesn't listen or talk to me I dont know what so it comes across as just nothing. If I had to sum up my feelings in a few words it would be Lost, empty, miserable. I just want to find me again or some peace or even just some sleep at a normal time. I need to find something but I dont know where to look.
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I am so sorry- I know what you are going through--been there myself.I haven't miscarried as many times, but once is devastating enough. You aren't a horrible mother...you are a grieving one and Lukas won't hate you because your ill. My kids have grown up with mom being ill alot-they are often disappointed because plans change, but they know that I love them and if I could I would. Because they are used to it, as they have gotten older (16, 14 and 12)- they have become my caretakers when I am sick.
I am sorry that Mark doesn't choose to talk- probably because he is feeling as lost as you. Give him time...he is just numb. Not knowing your mil or mother, I can't say what they were thinking with the comments that they made...how deeply they hurt you. They too are also grieving and grief sometimes makes people do strange things. Please know that I care and I am grieving with you. Words seem so hollow but I hope they help. There is a light ahead and you will reach it. My husband & I believe that we have one in heaven...we just have to get the rest of us there.
I am also doing the 40 days of purpose...so far, I am behind.I am not very good being new at digital scrapping but I try. Actually, I thought that I would paper scrap it and then upload my work.
If you need a shoulder or an ear, I am here. Corri/mlmmom
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