So angry and not even at Mark

Got up this morning in a wonderful mood. Only to find that this society we live in is only happy if you are mediocre and dont make a true effort. What am I talking about - scrapbooking. Each month we are asked to submit points totals for the month. Yet time after time my totals are questioned for being too good. I use my layouts as my dairy - a window into my soul. So im hardly going to upload my layouts made in fun for mark about the interesting places we've made love, my thoughts on the district coroner, How much I despise my mother in law or even my own mother. These layouts have been made to brighten my day - to give me something to smile about and in short get the nasty thoughts out of my head and onto paper so I can reflect on them rather then dwell on them.
With dedicated2Digital being down after being hacked I had to redo every layout for the gallery that I had done thats a minimum of 2 per kit. It takes minutes to remake a layout when you already have the design in your head. The part that winds me up is the continual assumption that digital layouts aren't as hard or dont take as long, that nobody can do that much in one month. See when your depressed, miserable and an insomniac you have two choices sit and scrap it to get it off your chest or sit and cry all night. Im trying to be productive. Want to know a secret, I need my pages because the fits and blackouts often cause memory loss. I forget who my son is, who the love of my life is, I need to be able to see my memories on paper because they dont stay in my head like they should. I hate feeling ill. I hate being some helpless person whose not even supposed to go out on her own. Sometimes theres a part of me that wishes that when I have the bad fits and I stop breathing that I never start again, because this is no life its just a crappy existance. If I dont get it on paper then I would go crazy it would have to come out and some point and some of the things I think could hurt people. I could lose the only people in my life that keep me sane. Maybe it just feels to me like everyone feels you should only scrap the things that you are willing to share. Maybe im the one whose doing it all wrong because there is no way on earth that I could ever share something that might hurt someone. My shared pages are a lie because they are the gloss on the surface. Poems filled with emotion but they are only half the story.