Depression is contagious

The sadder I seem to feel the more people it seems to have an effect on. Seeing other people sad makes me sad but so does seeing happy people. So around and around in circles seems to be the theme for today.
Feel happy>Feel guilty>Feel sad>Feel miserable>Cry>Smile> and were back to the beginning again.
We took Lukas to the fair this evening and surrounded by happy people I felt miserable. Why, because if I still had Leo we wouldn't be dragging to a fair when its dark, wouldn't be able to go on rides because we would have a pushchair. If I was still pregnant I wouldn't have been able to go to the fair because the flashing lights would have bought on another fit and I would have been banned from going on anything I like (fast or spinning basically anything that makes you want to puke LOL). That seems to be the problem with everything we do lately I keep thinking about how we wouldn't be able to do it if we still had Leo and Im always thinking about what he would have been doing now. The worst part is there are times when im glad we dont have Leo like last weekend there was a cybercrop at UK Scrappers and I went into scrapping overdrive and on strike as a mum and watching Mark and Lukas fight over silly things and Mark looking like he just couldn't cope I was glad we only had one for him to deal with which then made me feel guilty. I cant help but think of the things which have happened since losing Leo the things that have changed and while I undersatnd that I cant change what has happened and despite not wanting to I have regrets. I dont know where to go next to make things better and get out of this hole of misery we seem to be living in theres a part of me that just wants to hide so I cant spread this depression to anyone else.

Sometimes it all gets too much

The green eyed monster has decided to make an appearance today, I have been avoiding seeing Joshua since we found out about the baby. Seeing how little they care for him winds me up at the best of times. I went downstairs to use the loo not even knowing anyone else was downstairs. I forgot that David still had a key from before he got married and uses it whenever he feels like. So not only did I have a massive shock seeing them down there I had to see Josh. Today wasn't the best day for it. Im feeling kinda low today the lack of sleep and constant pain is starting to get to me. When I looked at Josh in dirty filthy clothes, still looking hugely underweight I wanted to weep oh alright I wanted to punch his mother first. She doesn't give a damn about him and the injustice of it all really gets me. Three babies who were loved and desired and wanted aren't here with me where they should be. Yet children like Josh are left to be neglected. It sucks. He then fell off the trampoline in the garden and has a massive lump on his head, who was the stupid idiot getting ice and arnica to make it better - not his bloody mother thats for sure. I asked if he could have a doughnut he dropped it in the garden and picked it up I tried to stop him and they just say "oh leave him" I wouldn't treat an animal like they treat him. I want to kill his mum and dad for treating him like that for not caring about him. Theres a part of me that wishes they could feel even 1/10th of the pain we have had to and normally I wouldn't wish suffering on anyone. Sometimes I feel like the weight of the sadness is so heavy I cant get up from under it. I feel like its crushing me. One of the challenges the other day at divine digital for the 40 days of scrapping purpose was to scrap a layout about your dreams, Ever heard the saying a dream is a wish your heart makes ? The thing is dreams should be obtainable they might be a slim chance but they need to have some chance to happen - like winning the lottery. So how come the only thing I dream about is having Leo back? Thats not a dream thats impossible. I can never have Leo back. Earlier on a saw a great quote "If tears could build a stairway and memories were a lane,we would walk right up to heaven and bring you back again". Lukas goes to nursery school soon and instead of being in my mind as us moving forward all it does is drive home the fact that its getting closer to the day where I will be alone for whole days when I should be at home looking after Gaiebraille or Leo or baby Ambrose. I cant get a job to occupy my mind because of the stupid health problems that no-one seems to be able to explain so what do I do with all of those hours? Sometimes life in general just gets to me and I want to sit and sob or sleep and wake up when who ever is controlling the universe has their design sorted so kids aren't made to suffer like Josh does and adults aren't made to suffer like we have had to, where people who dont want there kids can give them to couples desperately waiting for one instead of having an abortion hey its my perfect world I can dream cant I

Mad as a hatter.

The more organised I try to be the less I seem to get done. Its driving me insane. If I dont forget to do things I feel to ill to do them. I feel like a huge failure. I go into another room to get something and come back all puzzled because I cant remember what I went to get. The bedroom is a mess but I feel to tired and miserable to do anything about it. Cant go to work, cant manage to keep the bedroom tidy so what exactly is my purpose???

Dawn sorrow.

Well its 5:33am and surprise suprise I cant sleep again. This is getting stupid im up all night because I lay in bed wide awake my head filled with a mixture of emotion that I have no way of processing. I pass out from exhaustion and then sleep which means I am wide awake the next night again. I tried staying awake. I tried going to bed early but the end result is always the same. Too many thoughts and too many hours. I think of what might have been if I still had our babies. I wonder what happens next and what other heartbreaks we are going to have to face. My head races with the things I should be doing, the areas I am failing miserably and I run over ideas for layouts and projects in my head. I wonder if Lukas will wake up one day and realise what a rubbish mum I have been. I worry that hes going to resent all the things hes missed out on because of me being ill. Most of all I worry that one day hes going to say he hates me. I was watching Harry Potter the other day, I wish I had a pensieve like Dumbledore somewhere to remove some of my thoughts to so I could actually look at them and consider them instead of having them all crash around inside. Marks no help. Sometimes I get the feeling that he feels nothing over the loss of our baby. I know he must feel something but when he doesn't listen or talk to me I dont know what so it comes across as just nothing. If I had to sum up my feelings in a few words it would be Lost, empty, miserable. I just want to find me again or some peace or even just some sleep at a normal time. I need to find something but I dont know where to look.

Mother in law and Mother Moan

Im completely fed up with both my mother and my mother in law.
Mother in law has been looking at me like I am the laziest cow in the world. Currently bleeding heavily from the miscarriage, sleeping badly and in pain. Mark is home from work so its not Lukas thats the issue. Heard her earlier when I was in the bathroom saying something about having it easy laying around in bed I wanted to cry oh and punch her ;).
My mother on the other hand is just nosy and hateful. I went to drop the easter cards off today she starts asking me loads of questions about what happened with the baby I wouldn't have minded except my brothers girlfriend who I have never met before was sat on the sofa. My mother then ended the conversation by saying "You dont have any trouble getting pregnant just in keeping them, so either you are defective or they just dont want you as a mum".
As if I wasn't feeling like that already. Its bizarre I got more support over losing my baby from complete strangers on UKS then from my own family.

Rant over now sorry

What a start to the day

A short while ago I was absolutely devastated at losing the entire contents of my "scrap drive". When I started thinking about it I was calmed by the fact that my layouts were on the laptop and they were safe. Wrong Mark decided to remaster the laptop without backing anything up. Truthfully I wanted to murder him. Today I am browsing through disks I made the last time he had to remaster the laptop I picked one up without a label put it into my computer to check what it was and its all my layouts made using dedicated2Digital kits. Couldn't ask for a better start to Good Friday than that. Well there is one thing I could have to make it better but I cant find that on an old disk. Last night after another endless night of being unable to sleep I got a bit of inspiration I made the first layout addressing the loss of Baby Ambrose. I love this kit it was my 21st birthday present from December. Its called AngeLeo and she made it in memory of Leo. I keep forgetting you've never seen my angel baby have you, heres a picture of him with Lukas.

How easy it is to have a broken heart

We went for the scan on Monday. When they looked at us and started the sentance with Im sorry I actually felt my heart break more with every word. This baby was so longed for and wanted. Right now I cant get any further than the Its not fair attitude. When they wrote out my notes the parity at the top was 2+1/2+1 for anyone whose never seen maternity notes the first number refers to babies delivered, The second number refers to babies lost, the third number they added to refer to neonatal deaths. The 2/1 on mine is because before Lukas was born I had 5 weeks of bleeding that could have been a miscarriage but they weren't sure. The thought that is constantly on my mind is how unfair it is that mine says that while my mum's says 9+0. She doesn't even like kids.
Lukas is the reason I get up every day.
Gaiebraille the first angel baby
Leo was my miracle
We named this one Ambrose - It means Immortal always thought of. This one was my hope.
I dont even have that anymore.
Life without hope seems hardly worth it.
As miserable as I am now I know that I will get through it how long it will take is anyones guess. But im too stubborn to just give up. I have to have faith that one day things will get better because the odds have to work in my favour at some point I hope.

Monster trucks and drama at home

Last night we went to see the Monster Truck and Firework display at the Oxford Stadium. Although the stunts were a bit of a disappointment and we got freezing cold, we had a great time. The firework display was amazing. Lukas had to be forcibly removed from the t-shirt he bought I tickled him until he gave in LOL.

We had a scare from the bump last night. Lots of pain across the bottom of my stomach and some bleeding. One emergency trip to the doctors later and she doesn't think we have that much to worry about. We have a scan on Monday so if there is anything wrong they will pick it up.

Have lots to catch up on this weekend, starting with finding the surface of my desk.

So angry and not even at Mark

Got up this morning in a wonderful mood. Only to find that this society we live in is only happy if you are mediocre and dont make a true effort. What am I talking about - scrapbooking. Each month we are asked to submit points totals for the month. Yet time after time my totals are questioned for being too good. I use my layouts as my dairy - a window into my soul. So im hardly going to upload my layouts made in fun for mark about the interesting places we've made love, my thoughts on the district coroner, How much I despise my mother in law or even my own mother. These layouts have been made to brighten my day - to give me something to smile about and in short get the nasty thoughts out of my head and onto paper so I can reflect on them rather then dwell on them.
With dedicated2Digital being down after being hacked I had to redo every layout for the gallery that I had done thats a minimum of 2 per kit. It takes minutes to remake a layout when you already have the design in your head. The part that winds me up is the continual assumption that digital layouts aren't as hard or dont take as long, that nobody can do that much in one month. See when your depressed, miserable and an insomniac you have two choices sit and scrap it to get it off your chest or sit and cry all night. Im trying to be productive. Want to know a secret, I need my pages because the fits and blackouts often cause memory loss. I forget who my son is, who the love of my life is, I need to be able to see my memories on paper because they dont stay in my head like they should. I hate feeling ill. I hate being some helpless person whose not even supposed to go out on her own. Sometimes theres a part of me that wishes that when I have the bad fits and I stop breathing that I never start again, because this is no life its just a crappy existance. If I dont get it on paper then I would go crazy it would have to come out and some point and some of the things I think could hurt people. I could lose the only people in my life that keep me sane. Maybe it just feels to me like everyone feels you should only scrap the things that you are willing to share. Maybe im the one whose doing it all wrong because there is no way on earth that I could ever share something that might hurt someone. My shared pages are a lie because they are the gloss on the surface. Poems filled with emotion but they are only half the story.

All the latest goings on

Oh I am so bad at updating this.
Since the last post we have found out we are having another baby. Bump is due 28th November same day as we lost Leo, but since its one of mine sure it will arrive whenever it damn well feels like it LOL
Lukas has put his request in for a baby sister already. Have a scan on April 10th.
We have a date for Leo's inquest its June 6th. Not looking forward to it. Whatever they say isn't going to make it easier. Genetics and we are going to worry about bump all the time, No cause and we are going to be in the same position we have been in since we lost him.
Lukas has a place at a local nursery school 5 afternoons a week starting after Easter. I am going to miss him like crazy. Its strange you know its inevitable that they will go to school and you will be home on your own for a few hours. But although when hes at home sometimes I want 5 minutes away from him, when he goes to school it will be me whose clock watching until its time to go get him.
Im currently taking part in 40 days of scrapping purpose at www.divinedigital.com its a great challenge with loads of inspiration and freebies.
Have a list of stuff a mile long to do, so will have to go do something. Much as I dont want to LOL