Credits: Layered template (Storyteller, January 2011 Blog Challenge Freebie) by Rachel Jefferies (Captivated Visions) and Giggles by Jen C Designs. Fonts are Wartorn and DJB CT Laura by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: When people look at me they see a miserable 26 year old, overweight woman with a husband and 2 kids. They make assumptions about me, like that I was a stupid naive teenager who has two kids because I didn't know what contraception was. That I am married because of the kids. That I am overweight because I eat too much and because I am lazy. They don't bother to ask me, they just look and make a snap judgement. If they had asked me maybe there idea of me would have changed once they found out the truth. Take my kids for example, I don't have 2 kids, I have 5 only 3 of them live in heaven. Yes I was 4 months shy of my 18th birthday when I had Lukas but he was never a mistake, an unplanned accident maybe but in a good way. I grew up in a huge family and I had spent my whole life thinking I would never want kids of my own, yet when we found out I was pregnant, there was never a doubt in my mind that I wanted him, loved him and was excited about the chance to be his mother, even if back then we did think he was a she. The others they were more complicated, the decision of preventing more pregnancies was out of our hands. A severe latex allergy ruling out some, seizures with unknown causes ruling out others, my age another factor ruling out longer term methods. We were only left with 2 one we tried but decided against after the side effects, the second was impossible, we were young and in love and could no easier stay away from each other than we could stop breathing. So we left it up to fate, if we were meant to have another baby so be it. When the snow came down and we heard the words we had been fearing, our world shattered. We called our baby Gaiebraille, the hospital being unable to determine if our first angel was a boy or a girl so we decided on a name suitable for either. That first miscarriage was the start of a downward spiral, a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions. I spent months crying and unable to bear being anywhere near babies, just seeing one in the street would make me feel sick from the pain in my heart. The unfairness of it all irritated me why did they get to have a baby when I didn't. I felt so lost and then our miracle happened. That pregnancy was different so very difficult, endless hospital visits and people poking, pushing, fraying my every last nerve. By the time Leo was born our relationship was almost non-existent. The long days and weeks I spent in special care didn't help matters, then there was a brief ray of sunshine, our baby was finally well enough to come home. Only he came home to a single mother and a big brother who adored him and a Daddy who was conflicted, jealous and thinking that his life would be easier without us in it. I would have coped, somehow. Only I didn't get the chance to even try before he was gone too and our family our 4 was a family of 3. We clung to each other, desperate for the salvation from the agony only loving and caring could bring. Trying to keep our little family from being swallowed by the grief threatening to engulf us and drown us. It took a long time for us to even function again, it was a haze of weeping and regrets and of sadness and sorrow. We were slow to rebuild any of it, the pain too raw to deal with. Our brief ray of sunshine Ambrose, extinguished like the others before, we didn't live through those years we just survived one day at a time. Medical issues seemed to hang over us like a dark cloud, we watched people we loved suffer and struggle before being taken from us too. I put aside my doubts that a piece of paper wouldn't make any difference to the way we felt about each other, we started to make plans for a celebration. More to bring everyone together than anything else. That didn't quite go to plan either, but we never really dared hope for anything more than just getting through the day. I was right in a way, that piece of paper didn't change much, except Mark's name, we still argued and bickered, still loved each other just as fiercely as before. I am never truly honest about my health issues, preferring to keep the extent of them to myself, not wanting to complain, or tell anyone exactly what's going on. Getting pregnant again made things worse. It seems like everyday the standard "normal" things become harder and harder to do. I struggle through each day, trying to balance the physical issues with the emotional ones and just doing what I can. I try hard to mask the pain in my eyes, but know that on some level Mark sees it anyway. I hate myself for letting him see that I am struggling. We are all tired of doctors being unable to find a cause for the problems, so we just try and carry on regardless. When Logan was born everything changed, because he makes us feel something we haven't in what seems like forever, hope. So here we are, just the 4 of us in our own little house and our own little world. Trying our hardest to keep our sadness at bay, and go on living our lives. We are doing the best we can, to put one foot in front of the other and take each day as it comes, one day at a time. Until you walk a mile in my shoes you don’t have a clue about me, so maybe before you look at me and make any judgement about me you should just take take the time to talk to me, and who knows I might even surprise you a little.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Don't Judge Me
Friday, January 28, 2011
Loving Brothers
Credits: Layered template (18th December Tuesday Template) by Tanya Riley and Bear-y Baby by Laura White (C.W Picket & Company). Font is Dawning Of A New Day by Kimberly Geswein.
Journalling reads: In the limited amount of photographs I have of the two of you, these are some of my favourite. I love how gently you are holding Leo and the look on your face as you stared down at him. I still have no clue why you thought it would be a good idea to lick your baby brothers head or bite off his broken fingernail off. It’s easy to forget how young you were and that you didn’t know any better. I don’t think you ever intended to hurt him, it’s just that sometimes you are inspired by the curiosity to do things that seem slightly crazy to other people. He didn’t seem to mind either of them he was just perfectly content to lay on you and be held by a big brother who truly adored him.
Caffeine Free Diet Coke
Credits: Layered template (Tempted Volume 2, Template 2) by Jenn Lindsey, Getting Started Journal Prompts by Krista Sahlin (Sahlin Studio), Scatter Overlays by Megadoodle Inspired, Elegant Comfort (slightly recoloured) by Joelle Lester (Daphadilly Art), Button from Falling In Love by Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2Day Designs) and Joelle Lester (Daphadilly Art) and Bubbles from June Wedding Mega contribution by Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2Day Designs). Font is Corbel. Diet Coke Logo from Vectorlogo and Coke Cans image by Dave from picasaweb.google.
Journalling reads: Before I met Mark I used to pretty much only drink squash, I don’t drink tea or coffee and I didn’t really enjoy fizzy drinks but I used to buy diet coke as part of my “breakfast” before work. I never paid much attention to the fact that I didn’t really care for the taste (too sweet) or that the headaches were worse after drinking it. The shop didn’t have a huge selection so it always seemed like the best option. That all changed when I found caffeine free diet coke. I loved the taste, and the headaches were so much better than before. It quickly became my go-to drink especially when I was pregnant with all of my boys. Mark can never understand why I prefer to drink it at room temperature or warm and completely flat. He thinks I am a freak but I don’t care. I don’t like drinking it from cans or with ice in it. It’s great mixed with raspberry vodka!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Electric Chair
Credits: Layered template (November 2010 Cookie) by Darcy Baldwin, Froggy Short Staple by Megan Farrow (Flergs), Gold Action by Atomic Cupcake and Something to Say by Laura White (C.W Picket & Company) and Amanda Krueger (Nibbles Skribbles). Fonts are Century Gothic and Lightning Volt.
Journalling reads: On our last visit to Chessington we spotted this electric chair while we were waiting for Daddy we took these photos but we didn't get to try it.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
You Inspire Me Desktop
Credits: Layered template (Get With It January 2011 Template) by Amyscraps/3 Li’l Monsters Designs and You're My Inspiration by Bonnie Blou Designs.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Happy Anniversary Baby
Credits: Layered template (December Moments Week 1, Template 7) by Crystal Livesay and 52 Inspirations Week Three Mini by Sue Cummings. Fonts are Charlemagne Std and Century Gothic.
Journalling reads: It’s over ten years since that first morning when I met you. I walked into the newsagents, Half asleep and desperate for something to wake me up enough, so I could drag myself into work and do my job. Diet coke and Mars bars being the current “breakfast” of choice. I didn’t always bother but that morning was an even earlier start than usual. I saw you standing behind the counter and I forgot all about breakfast, I couldn’t help myself from staring at you. I remember having a thought about how I wished you would ask me out, and being convinced that you never would. Even in my wildest fantasies, I never could have imagined that we would be sitting here living together, two kids and 3 angel babies and celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary, I guess I ended up with a life better than anything I was able to imagine. Happy anniversary baby, I love you!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
The Yellow Ducky Babygro
Credits: Layered template (Winter's Day Collection Templates, Template 2 altered) by Jen C Designs and Bear-y Baby by Laura White (C.W Picket & Company). Font is Pang For President by Allie Hoopes.
Journalling reads: Before I knew if you were a boy or a girl I bought this super cute babygro on sale in Next. The prices on their website are usually a little more than I am willing to pay. So to find something I liked, could afford and that was available in such a tiny size made me very happy. Then when you were born you were a lot bigger than we had assumed you would be. There was practically nothing I had bought for you ended up being big enough, but this one was big enough for you to wear once. I managed to take photographs of you in it while you were laying on my lap having a cuddle. I just couldn't get over how sweet you looked, the colour was so perfect for your skin tone. I was really looking forward to looking at the photos until I got them downloaded on to the computer. It just took my breath away when I saw them because I couldn't believe how much you looked like Leo. I guess it was something about the yellow colour. Both of you had very similar colouring to him and there is just something about your eyes that is eerily similar. It took me a long time to be able to look at these without having tears come to my eyes. Photos taken 14th August 2009.
Bike Accident
Credits: Layered template (Keep It Simple Sweetie June, Template 3) and Balance by Jeanie's Designs. Fonts are FO Printing Primer In Between and FO Texura Traced both by Fontologie and SF On The Dot by Sugar Frog Fonts.
Journalling reads: I really hate this photo. Every time I look at it, I am reminded how lucky you were when that idiotic driver hit you with his car. I was pregnant with Logan when you called me and said “I don’t want you to worry but I have had an accident”. As soon as you said it I started feeling sick. I only felt sicker when I saw that the seat post was snapped almost in half and your crash helmet was smashed into little pieces. Yet somehow you managed to walk away with nothing more than a few scrapes and bruises!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Fall Asleep On The Way Home
Credits: Layered template (Freebie Template 54) by Chrissy W and Winter Merriment (slightly recoloured) contributions by Sandy Collins (By Sandy Creations), Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2Day Designs), Gabby Palmer, Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs) and Melissa Robinson (Melly Scraps). Font is Mesquite Std.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
P365 Week 2
Credits: Layered template (Adventure 365, Template 2), P365 Basics Simple Date Journalers and Brrr Bundle by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs) and P365 Date Rounds by Laura White (C.W Picket & Company). Font is Love Ya Like A Sister by Kimberly Geswein.
Journalling reads: This week has been really hard for all of us. I am still sick and I had my period so I was pretty miserable, Mark had to work every day, Lukas had two days off school because he wasn’t feeling very well and Logan appears to be getting more teeth. Tempers were very short and the boys made it worse by being awful to each other. I have lost count of the number of times I have told them to behave, be quiet and be nice. Some of the low points included telling Lukas off for hitting Logan on the head with a wooden skittle and Logan tipping coke in his hair. What really made this week suck was Ella being rushed into hospital. She had a really high fever and ended up spending 3 days having various tests before the doctors were able to diagnose pneumonia and a urine infection and discharge her with some oral antibiotics. She’s had pneumonia before so we were all really worried about her. I tried watching Glee for the first time and ended up spending a whole day watching season one!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Logan's First Trip Down The Slide
Credits: Layered template (Timestop Templates The Singles, Number 6) by Molly Weight (Biograffiti) and 52 Inspirations 2011 Week Two Mini by Vicki Stegall and 52 Inspirations 2011 The Basics by Sue Cummings and Vicki Stegall. Fonts are DJB Coffeeshoppe Tallskinny Extended and DJB Arcitekt both by Darcy Baldwin.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Me Circa 1986
Credits: Layered template (Sketchology, Farm Fresh, Template 3) by Lena Brandenburg/Gardner and Tabatha Reed (Bella Gypsy Designs) and Soft and Sweet Mini, Soft and Sweet Papers and Newsprint Alpha all by Laura White (C.W Picket & Company). Fonts are ABC's with Aunt CaitiLinda by Allie Hoopes and DJB Coffeeshop Venti by Darcy Baldwin.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Thomas The Tank Engine
Credits: Layered template (January 8th 2011 Freebie Template) by Connie Prince and Train Time (slightly recoloured) by Jen C Designs. Font is FO Textura by Fontologie.
Sunday, January 09, 2011
Travelling On The Train To Chessington
Credits: Layered template (A Week In The Life Template) by Brynn Marie Dukes (BZB Designs) and The Works Begin 2011 Mini by Jeanie's Designs. Font is Wartorn.
Saturday, January 08, 2011
P365 Week 1
Credits: Layered template (Adventure 365, Template 1), P365 Basics Simple Date Journalers and Brrr Bundle by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs) and P365 Date Rounds by Laura White (C.W Picket & Company). Font is Love Ya Like A Sister by Kimberly Geswein.
Journalling reads: I started off the new year still sick, by the end of the week I was finally feeling a little bit more like myself. The boys have been enjoying playing with all of their Christmas presents. There are Megablocks on the floor constantly but they loving building with them and throwing them around the room. Logan has learnt a few new words, but he still won’t say Mummy. Lukas went back to school and for the 1st time in 24 years England won and retained the ashes in cricket, I hate cricket but Mark was excited about it.
25th Birthday Cake
Credits: Layered template (January Made In The Shade Template Challenge, rotated 180 degrees clockwise) by Marie H (Jolly Kids Creations By Marie), The Party Continues by LEIdee Q Designs and P365 Basics Simple Date Journalers by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs). Font is DJB Nee Nee by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: Sometimes I can be such a child, for my 25th birthday I was pretty insistant that all I wanted for my birthday was a chocolate birthday cake. I don’t really like icing so me and Lukas decided on an alternative, a frozen double chocolate fudge cake. My favourite way to eat it, is straight out of the freezer before the chocolate on top goes runny. To make it slightly more interesting since it was a milestone quarter of a century birthday, so we just swapped out the boring birthday candles for something a lot more interesting, sparklers!
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Looking Back At 2010
Credits: Layered template (December Moments Week 4, Review Template, Slightly Altered) by Crystal Livesay and 52 Inspirations Week One Mini by Sue Cummings. Fonts are Rockwell, You Re Loved by Kimberly Geswein and Felix Titling.
Journalling on strips reads: If we remember 2010 for anything, it will be as a year filled with milestones and changes. We have had many new experiences some good and some bad but even though it has beena very difficult year in a lot of ways, but we are much stronger as a family because of it.
Monday, January 03, 2011
52 Inspirations Cover
Credits: Layered template (Jumpers, Template 1) by Crystal Livesay and 52 Inspirations 2011 Week One Mini by Sue Cummings and 52 Inspirations 2011 The Basics by Sue Cummings and Vicki Stegall.
Me and Nan
Credits: Layered template (Big Picture Templates, Template 1) by Tanya Riley (Pixel Me That Designs), And So It Begins Mega contributions by Jolly Kids Creations By Marie, Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2Day Designs), Jen C Designs, Bonnie Blou Designs, Melissa Robinson (Melly Scraps), Jeanie's Designs and Mom2Moo Designs and Bead Alpha by Megan Turnidge.
Meltdown
Credits: Layered template (January Made In The Shade Template Challenge) by Marie H (Jolly Kids Creations By Marie) and A Day In My Life Collection by Jen C Designs. Font is Verdana.
Journalling reads: Lukas decided he was fed up of our very hot day out @ the park. 2nd July 2006.
Snow Fun
Credits: Layered template (December Template Challenge) by Michelle Batton and Winter's Day Collection by Jen C Designs. Font is Over The Rainbow by Kimberly Geswein.
Journalling reads: I love this photo of you playing in the snow, you were jumping on top of the snow covered trampoline, and I managed to catch you mid jump. I only had to climb up on the edge of the trampoline, fall off and land hard on my butt to get it!
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Lego Harry Potter
Credits: Layered template (Cluster Funk, Template 3) and A Day In My Life Collection by Jen C Designs. Font is You Are Loved by Kimberly Geswein.
Journalling reads: When it comes to surprises you are a lot like me, impatient and difficult, it's not that you don't like them, it's just you find it so hard to wait for anything. But me and Daddy were able to purchase the new Harry Potter Lego game for the X-Box and surprise you. I love this photo of your reaction.
Photos Of Me
Credits: Layered template (I Create Template) by Peppermint Granberg (One Little Bird) and 52 Inspirations 2011 The Basics by Sue Cummings and Vicki Stegall. Font is Century Gothic.
Journalling reads: I hate having my photograph taken, it’s hard to smile and pretend that everything is ok when I feel so ill all of the time. I hate when I do let people take photos of me and I look at them and find myself cringing at how awful I think I look. But there are rare occasions when I let people take photographs of me and I actually don’t mind the result. I think sometimes the camera lies but in a good way. When my family looks back at these photos maybe they will forget that these moments were few and far between, maybe they will think that since the photos show me looking fairly happy and healthy that’s the way it must have been. I would much rather they remembered these moments than the sick ones.
Saturday, January 01, 2011
Year In Review
Credits: Layered template (Year In Review Template 2) by Gina Miller and P365 Basic Papers by Laura White (C.W Picket & Company). Font is Sandee Script by Allie Hoopes.
Journalling reads: Milestones, learning, giggles, hugs, tricks, fights, squabbles, parks, games, chocolate, smiles, baths, noise, kisses, dribble, snuggles, love, fun.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear. Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes How do you measure, measure a year?