Friday, June 26, 2009

Same stuff different night

Tonight I am awake again, I have been laying in the bed trying to sleep and failing miserably. The problem may be the same but tonight the reason is different. I am not being tormented by a spider, I am not trying to finish a layout or organise a few more files in a bid to be tired enough to sleep. I was tired and ready to sleep hours ago, but I can’t seem to fall off to sleep. My mind is occupied with thoughts of Leo and my eyes are filled with tears. As I was laying there and my hands wondered to idly stroke the baby my mind wandered to him and hasn’t left. I wonder what he would have thought about me being pregnant, wonder if he would have been excited about being a big brother like Lukas was with him and is again. I have always had a pretty vague view of heaven, never really stopped to consider the details or decide if people still feel anything once they get there. I wonder whether he feels like he is being replaced and whether he wishes that things had worked out differently, I wonder if he’s jealous that this baby gets to be here when he doesn’t or if he feels relieved that he no longer has to feel pain here on earth. The wondering drives me insane because it’s not like I can just ask him or anyone else for that matter for the answers to the questions I have. I just have to debate with myself about the answers and try and convince myself that whatever answers are the least painful for me to believe are the truth. I choose to believe that he’s at peace, that he’s happy, that’s he’s safe and that he feels how much we love him even if he isn’t here. I believe that he was as loving and caring as Lukas is and that he would want me to love this baby as much as I love him. I believe that he wants this baby to help heal all of our broken hearts. But more than anything I believe that at the end of the day he was an innocent, sweet little angel and he never did and never will know just how much pain he has caused. It physically hurts in my heart when I sit here and think about him, I hate myself with a vicious passion because I find myself wishing that he was going to be the baby I was getting to hold soon. I am trying so very hard to accept that this baby will soon be a part of my life and despite what everyone tells me I am struggling to believe that I will ever be able to look at him and not wish he was Leo. I’m trying to love him for being him, but I am struggling. I am trying to not feel this overwhelming pain I still feel whenever thoughts of Leo pop into my head because on top of everything else it’s too hard, but I am failing. My head is buzzing with thoughts of everything that I still have to do before the baby is born, but I feel as though I am putting on a show for other people. Doing all of the things that normal expectant mothers do to prepare for their new arrivals, while I hide in this mixture of crazy emotions and desperately trying not to let anyone else know how messed up my head is. I’m confused and I am sad and I just feel so overwhelmed by everything. I’m nervous about the baby being born, anxious and impatient for it to just hurry up and be over with, scared that I won’t like him once he is here. It’s not just the baby and Leo either, I am tired of arguing with Mark and I am exhausted from listening to Nan constantly. I feel like I am in a very dark and dangerous place mentally lately and I don’t know how to get out of it. I seem to spend all of my time trying to convince myself of things I don’t really believe. I tell myself that things will get better, and that everything will work out somehow. I try and tell myself that I will love the baby and once he’s born I won’t be able to ever imagine my life without him being in it, just like I feel with Lukas. The problem is I can imagine what it would be like because I know what it feels like not to have Leo in my life. My nightmares aren’t just about giant spiders and other stuff like that, when I sleep I have to watch things all over again. I see Leo all blue and floppy in my arms, I hear myself screaming for Nan to call an ambulance. I see the paramedics working on him and I hear myself saying those words to him that I hate myself so much for. I begged him to give up as he was laid in my arms that last time. It hurt me so much to see him suffer that I begged him to just let go, to stop trying and to stop fighting to stay here with me. There’s a part of me that is selfish and would sacrifice anything to be able to do that all over again, to change my mind and beg for just a few more precious seconds with him. But in my heart I know that if I had to choose between my pain and his I would rather I was the one hurting everytime. Someone asked me recently if I had the chance to make the decision again would I still turn the machine off and I answered without hesitation that I would, because it wasn’t fair to let him suffer. I believe that every single second of every single day, except at night. When I am laying here and I am missing him I am overcome by the desire to put my own happiness before his, to turn back time and make the doctors do everything in their power to save him so he could be here with me. I long for one more cuddle or chance to just touch his skin and tell him that I love him and that I am sorry I let him go. More than anything I wish I could find the comfort I am so desperately seeking in this baby. I wish I could stroke him and feel him move and just feel confident that everything is going to be ok because I have him. I have moments where he makes me laugh with a movement he makes. I can sense that he has a personality already and that he’s going to be special in his own way. When I feel sad and I am crying he seems to be worried. I reach out and touch him almost as if to reassure him that everything will be alright and he does the same to me. I have moments where I love him so much it hurts in my chest, then I remember that I felt that way about Leo and I hurt even more. What I long for right at this second is just the ability to sleep and not dream or think for a little while, just to have a little bit of peace from my own thoughts and emotions.

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