Friday, June 26, 2009

I can’t wait until this week is finally over

I know I seem to be endlessly moaning this week don’t I, sorry. I just don’t feel like I have anywhere else to turn right now. Today kind of made all of the other bad days this week pale in comparison. I was so sad and unsettled last night the whole time I was writing my blog I was sobbing uncontrollably. I could barely read the screen and when I did finally go to bed there was a spider crawling around on the ceiling. I couldn’t even muster the energy to do anything more than keep an eye on where it was going. When I finally managed to fall asleep I slept badly. Then Mark woke me up to tell me he was going shopping to buy clothes and I took ages getting back to sleep. The one thing I had asked him to do today was make sure that when he took Lukas to school he rung the hotel to book the room. When he woke me up to show me his new clothes, I asked him if he had booked the hotel and he hadn’t. It caused another argument, then he called the hotel and we were told that they didn’t have any of  the rooms we need available. That caused another row that made the first one look like a friendly discussion. I told him to pack his bags and get out. I’m not going to go into details because well I don’t really feel like crying anymore will solve anything. Before he left for work he was acting like nothing had happened, he even told me to buy the digital scrapbook things I had been looking at, he seems to think that makes up for everything. He doesn’t apologise, nothing changes and I am just supposed to act like everything is ok. I am just worn out by it all lately, nothing ever changes and I am only human I can only take it for so long before it gets on top of me and we end up fighting. The fighting just makes me feel worse and achieves nothing since he doesn’t even act like we have had a fight. I have sobbed today until the tears ran dry. Actually it wasn’t even the tears running dry that stopped the fight, it was something that happened that I am not quite sure how to describe. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t live with all the fighting, but I can’t just sit back and let things carry on the way they are going either. All this stress is so bad for me and the baby, not to mention that it means Lukas is seeing me so exhausted and worn out by it all. I feel so ill lately, and then there’s the pregnancy issues and the emotional issues as well. If it was just Mark, or just the problems with Nan, or just the problems I am having with Lukas I would find a way to manage but it’s just everything and right now I feel like there is no way out. I needed that night away from everything so badly, just a chance to feel human again if only for a little while but now there isn’t even that to look forward to. I feel as if there’s nothing to get up for every morning except pain of some kind, whether it’s emotional or physical or mental it’s all pain and I can’t cope anymore. I told Mark he had to explain to Lukas that the trip had been cancelled, Lukas cried all the way home from school and then I got a lecture from Nan about how that wasn’t fair on him. It wasn’t my fault we couldn’t go and I already had to deal with the fallout of him crying I didn’t think I should have to be the one to tell him too. Mark wanted me to tell him we could just go to Chessington on Sunday without the hotel stay, I would have been willing to do that even though I would have felt like crap afterwards, and at the very most he would have ended up having a few hours in the park and I would have had to deal with the huge tantrum I get every time we leave and don’t stay in the hotel. The only other solutions I had to offer were waiting until next weekend to go (not exactly something I was thrilled about I already feel like I am pushing my luck going away when I am this pregnant without adding another week to the issue) or offering to take him to Jamboray for the day on Sunday. He said he wants to go to Jamboray but I still had to put up with a tantrum because he wants to go tomorrow and we can’t because of Mark working. I may have managed to pacify Lukas but spending the day cooped up inside with a bunch of screaming kids and the inevitable miserable husband (he always manages to make my life a misery when we go there with his complaining and moaning) isn’t really doing to help me out at all. I just can’t win because I can’t take Lukas on my own I am not exactly in the condition to climb around and play with him normally let alone at the moment so Mark has to come too if I take Lukas for a few hours I will have to listen to him whining and complaining he wants to stay longer, if I take him for the whole day I will end up leaving in tears because I just can’t take listening to Mark anymore and then when we get home I will have to listen to Nan, believe me I go through it every time we go there, that’s why it’s 5 minutes away yet we have only been a few times since it opened.  I just need a break from everything so badly at the moment I really feel like I am clinging on to everything by my fingertips at the moment and every day I am slipping a little more and it’s harder to just hold on and find a way to get through it all. All I keep thinking is how things are going to get even harder once the baby is born, it’s more than likely we will be throwing SCBU into the mix, and then there’s when he comes home and we have to look after him all of the time. Or should I say I will have to look after him all of the time because that’s the way it usually works out as far as our kids are concerned.

No comments: