Sunday, September 25, 2011

I'm Sorry

I'm Sorry by Lukasmummy
I'm Sorry, a photo by Lukasmummy on Flickr.

Credits: Layered template (Journal Lovers, Template 1) by Amy Lanham (3 Lil' Monsters Designs) and Change by Jen C Designs. Font is DJB C Lyle Run by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: When I found out that I was pregnant with you, I was more than a little overwhelmed by the emotions that I felt. It was all just so complicated, I wasn’t prepared for even the possibility of having another baby. It’s not so much that you weren’t wanted it’s just that you definitely weren’t in any of my plans. I was already finding it so hard to cope with Lukas and Logan while feeling so ill all the time. I don’t believe in lying to any of you, so I will tell you the whole truth and just hope you don’t hate me for it. For the briefest moment I admit it, I considered asking the doctor about arranging an abortion, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. You need to know how much I hate even the idea of abortions, I can’t help myself from feeling like it’s a form of murder. But I am pro-choice, I feel like it’s a personal decision but just not one I could ever make myself. I guess you are wondering why it matters. Wondering why I am even bothering to tell you any of this, it’s not like it was ever a real consideration. But it matters because you need to know the whole story, including all the bits it pains me to share with you. Right from the start I have been a mess. I just can’t seem to form any sort of bond with you and it is tearing me up inside. Part of the reason is dealing with all of the depression and health problems. The headaches and vision problems started right at the beginning of the pregnancy this time. Walking around is difficult because of the issue with my hips and I am just so very tired I just can’t seem to focus properly on anything. My moods have been really scary and unpredictable perfectly fine one minute, flying off the handle the next. Everything seems so much more intense this time. But mostly I am just so terrified, you are everything I have always thought that I wanted. But now that I have you, I am more scared than I can find words to describe. At first it was panic about how I would cope with three kids instead of two when things are so hard. I feel so poorly all the time, and I feel so guilty about how many things I can’t manage to do as a mother. But mostly the problem has to do with the simple fact that I feel like you might just be too good to be true. The last time I got something I really wanted was with Leo. I loved Leo so much it hurt, my pregnancy was so hard and then came special care. When he came home from the hospital I thought it was finally over. But it was only just getting started, he broke my heart into a million pieces when he died. I couldn’t cope with the intensity of all the emotions that I felt. I tried to push everyone away, because I just couldn’t cope with the idea of anyone ever hurting me that much again. I just can’t seem to allow myself to pull down the walls I have built and allow myself to love properly again. I’m so sorry baby you deserve so much more than me feeling sad.

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