from talking about Logan’s Birth and what followed today, because I have something else I want to talk about. Or I suppose it would be more accurate to say someone else I want to talk about. Yesterday was his birthday and if he had still been here there’s no doubt that the day would have been filled with all the usual stuff 5 year olds love, cake and presents and more than likely a trip to McDonalds for a happy meal. But he’s not here and while usually I make the effort to celebrate his birthday yesterday I just couldn’t do it. Partially because I was feeling too ill to do much of anything yesterday, but mostly because this one was the hardest birthday so far. I’ve been missing him a lot lately, thinking about what he would be doing now and asking myself a lot of questions that can’t ever be answered. Some days oh ok most days I miss Leo so much it hurts and as much as I love Logan, I feel as if there’s something missing between me and him. I haven’t got a clue what that something might be so I don’t know how to fix it. I guess it doesn’t help that Logan looks so much like Leo, sometimes it’s a certain expression or way he moves it’s kind of like looking at a ghost and for a split second I want to push him away in case he’s going to hurt me the same way that Leo did, usually I just end up holding him closer to me and letting the tears flow. It’s sort of become a bit of a tradition for us to light a candle and sing Happy Birthday to Leo, only yesterday we didn’t. There was a part of me that just felt like it was wrong to sing Happy Birthday to Leo while I was holding Logan, Lukas never mentioned it so I didn’t want to bring it up in front of him incase I upset him and Mark hasn’t ever really seemed all that interested in singing to Leo, last year me and Lukas did it by ourselves in the back garden. What I didn’t tell Mark was that I still felt the need to do it, so I locked myself in the bathroom for a while and just chatted to Leo and sung Happy Birthday to him, I didn’t light a candle because I didn’t feel the need to. I often talk to him when I am in the bathroom by myself maybe because that’s where it all happened, or maybe because it’s just the only room I can lock other people out of for a few moments peace and quiet. I also sat and chatted to Logan for a while about Leo, I’m determined that even though Logan will never get to have the pleasure of knowing Leo personally he will now all about him. Leo will never ever be forgotten about in this house, every birthday and anniversary from now until the day I die will be remembered in some way, shape or form. Usually I try and make a scrapbook page about him or for him on his birthday I didn’t do that this year either, in fact I haven’t scrapped a single layout this month and that makes me a little sad too. The scrapping helps with the depression and when I don’t scrap I seem to spend more time crying and expressing my emotions in ways that are a lot less productive. I’m hoping that improves once Lukas goes back to school and I can spend a little time each day scrapping while Mark holds Logan or he’s sleeping in his little bed. I hate to admit this but I do feel a little better that both Lukas and Leo’s birthday’s didn’t really get celebrated this year, it makes them a little more equal. We will do something really special for both of them as soon as I feel a little bit better, fingers crossed before the end of the month. We are hoping to be able to take Lukas to either Chessington or Legoland this weekend, but we don’t have any definite plans yet. On Sunday night we did have a little celebration for Lukas, we bought a cake and put candles on it and then sung Happy Unbirthday to him. He had a great time blowing out the candles and eating chocolate cake. It’s the little things that make him happy. That reminds me I still haven’t wrote about Lukas’s birthday on here, I will add it to my to-do list and get it done as soon as I am sat at the computer long enough to type it up. Anyway I better run now since Logan is sleeping and Lukas is busy watching cartoons now is the perfect time to catch up on a few things before Mark gets home from work.
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