Happy Birthday Leo

This time three years ago I was throwing my guts up, and in a lot of pain. I spent the whole night sat up with diarrhoea, vomiting and bad pain in my stomach. I had been to the hospital the day before and they thought I had a virus because my temperature was up, my blood pressure was high etc. I had a crappy pregnancy with Leo, my water went early, he was small and so much more that is foggy to me now. When I was feeling so ill I never for one second thought I would be seeing Leo the next day. I had a hospital appointment scheduled for 12 something by that time I was already in the hospital and my little man was in scbu lol. I hate Birthdays, especially Leo's because they just seem to drive home how quickly time has passed. Sometimes I feel like I am on some warped fairground ride that spins you around and then you get off and it's three years later. The pain of losing him still seems as fresh as the day it happened. I can't help but wonder what he would have been doing now if he were still here. I think about how I would be doing something like a daytrip somewhere to celebrate him turning 3 years old. Instead I have to drag somewhere to try and avoid letting Lukas see how much I am hurting. Then come home and wait until he's asleep before I either scrap and cry my eyes out or ignore the scrapping and just cry. I miss him so much I just wish there was something I could do so the pain wasn't so raw still.