Damn I hate November

I really really hate November. I am so tired of feeling unfocused, unmotivated and unfulfilled in my life. I know that Leo's anniversary always makes my life a little strange, I know it hurts and I also know that it will probably always hurt but usually I function semi-normally until at least a the week before, and then I just feel a little down and blue, I tend to keep to myself and avoid the forums and the blogs for a few days and spend more time than usual hugging Lukas and telling him I love him. I crave physical touch in any way I can get it, be it hugs or kisses or just holding hands. I understand that and I accept that I almost expect that to happen. But this month has been different I have spent the whole month feeling depressed, and wanting to cry a lot of the time. I had a meeting today with Lukas's teacher and she didn't tell me anything I didn't know already but I was fighting back tears on the way home. Hearing all the areas he's behind in and needing extra help makes me sad, I feel guilty and responsible. I suppose it's because I know how much of his mummy got lost the same day as Gaiebraille died, how much more was lost with Leo and what he was left with by the time we got to Ambrose. I wanted to be so many things to him I had these dreams of sitting with him and doing his homework, helping him to be the best person he could be and being loving and supportive and I know I failed miserably in my opinion. I know that in other people's opinion I am doing the best I can do and that should be good enough but for me it's not I want to be so much better than I am. Creativity usually helps me to focus to turn the negatives things into more positive ones but I am completely uninspired. I can't drag up the effort to open photoshop let alone scrap. Lukas is cross with me because I haven't made any new layouts. I am mad at my self because I am letting this negativity overwhelm my life and Nan is driving me insane, yap yap yapping about Christmas. I don't want to think about Christmas and it's all she Nan is talking about fairy lights and decorations just make me angry at the moment. I hate the falseness of the holiday, buying gifts for people you don't speak to any other time of the year. Pretending you like people for that one damn day and know full well that the next day they will be right back to bitching about you like they do the other 364 days in the year. I'll get over it but right now it's safer for everyone if I stay in my bedroom and avoid as much conversation as possible. Because otherwise I am bound to say things I will regret and mabe even end up hurting people's feelings when I don't mean to. I hate this damn black cloud I am under right now I wish it would just bugger off and annoy someone else for a little while.

Reality is a strange thing

it's the only thing in the world that has the power to warn you it's going to make you suffer, only you don't take the warning it offers seriously because you hope that the reality will change. It's like how you know that something is coming and you are given fair warning about it yet you still wake up one morning and it's managed to sneak up on you and make you think life sucks. The thing about reality is you have a lot of tools at your disposal that you use to try and convince yourself that things will change. Are you lost yet? Then let me give you an example, when you have an exam in three weeks time that you have to pass, three weeks is a long time right so there's no need to study today and you use that excuse for the next week or so. Time is on your side so there is no need to hurry, that's using the tool of procrastination. Then there's when the weather forcast says it's going to rain on the day of your wedding that's being held outside that tool there would be hope, you hope that the reality will change. Then there's the last one I want to talk about right now the one that only happens after procrastination and hope don't work anymore complete and utter denial when you simply refuse to believe the reality staring you in the face. Now you may be wondering why I am bringing this up tonight well my brother met a girl and they fell in love. Her family emigrated to New Zealand and they planned to follow once they had finished college and made arrangements. Well at first I have to admit we all had to attitude that we would believe it when we saw it. It was a long way off and things change. Well though their plans got delayed and they had some ups and downs they still planned to go through with it. Then we moved onto hoping that they might change their minds, maybe they would get bored of each other or he would realise he was moving to the other side of the world and think twice about his choice. Then when they got the money together and went for a visit there was the hope that maybe he wouldn't like it. But when he came back he was more enthusiastic about the move then he ever has been about anything. So it became obvious that denial was more than just a river in Egypt. I didn't want to believe he was really going. Don't get me wrong I wish him and his fiancee all the happiness in the world I really do and I would never ever try and stop him from leaving because I know that is what he wants. But to me even though here is only a few years age difference between us he will always be my baby brother. The one I used to defend at school, the one I worry about and want to protect. He also happens to be the only one who wants to have a relationship with me.It's really hard to know that's he's leaving and never coming back. There won't ever be a possibility of running into him again while I do my shopping or buying him alcohol to sneak into my mum's house lol. I am going to miss him and it makes me sad. In 3 short days he will be on a plane on the way to start his new life and because they gave up their flat and moved back in with my mum to save money I won't even get to tell him goodbye in person. I left him a facebook message telling him to be safe and just have to keep my fingers crossed that he sees it before he goes.

So I know lately

that my posts have been kind of well depressing, and I am sorry for that I really am. It's not like I enjoy writing posts that only highlight the bad parts of my life, the problem is sometimes it's hard to see the good parts it's easy to overlook the little things that make me smile. So today I decided to share with you three things that have made me smile this week. The first would have to be Lukas who always has this magic talent to make me feel better, he can definately turn any frown upside down. His latest trick for the want of a better word is to simply look at me and say these words "Mum", "What Lukas?", "Your beautiful do you know that", (instantly getting a lump in my throat) "aww thank you baby, that's really sweet" "your the best mummy in the whole world" (getting more choked with every word) "and your my best boy" "I'm glad your my mummy" "i'm really glad your my baby Lukas" "I love you 100" "and I love you a million Lukas". So that's something in my life that makes me feel loved every single day yet I have never bothered to blog about it before. The second thing would again be Lukas and stuff he says only this time it's not his loving nature its his sense of humour. Last night we had a very fun conversation that went something like this. I was cuddled up behind him after I had given him a bath and washed his hair and I said to him "Oh you smell really nice now" his answer just made me laugh out loud, "Do, I? because I just farted and it was a really stinky one" lol. He says stuff like that all the time,no hesitation just things he comes out with that make me smile and yet I never blog about those times either. Then finally the third thing is the pride Lukas has for me. He looks at every layout I make and begs me to print them out for him, asks me often why I don't pick him up from school and when I ask why tells me "because I want to show you to my friends". He doesn't care that I am ill, or fat or that I don't act anything like a normal mummy and yet he still loves me anyway. I am so very blessed to have him. He's been telling me off for not posting my layouts for him to see on here so I am going to do that for him now and then I am off to do my job as a mummy and rub his poor leg (he hurt it yesterday at school and can't stand on it so he's been off school today and had a great time sitting down on my computer watching stuff playing games and being waiting on hand and foot lol). Before I go here are the layouts. I only have 4 to share sorry, the first 3 are using Chrissy's new Angie'licious 3 templates and the last one is using the Elemental Scraps November Mega Kit by Team 2 Egocentric.


Credits: Layered template (Angie'licious 3, Template 3) by Chrissy W and Just Say Boo by Royanna Lea Frtschmann. Font is FO Messy Bessy by Fontologie. Journalling reads: Since our 1st day at Chessington was a complete washout thanks to the rain we had to wait until our second park visit to take some cute photos of you sat on one of the pumpkin patch displays around the park. This one was in Beanoland and I almost felt guilty asking you to sit on it since it was so cold and the hay was bound to still be damp. Your grinning because you know that this one photo is a trade for the endless goes on the ride you want to go on. You know that I wanted it so badly I would have agreed to almost anything you wanted in exchange for this one shot of you, looking adorable on the pumpkin patch I take comfort from the fact that one day you will have kids of you own and they will be the ones doing the bargaining while you stand and beg them for “just one nice photograph please”.


Credits:Layered template (Angie'licious 3, Template 1) by Chrissy W, Legacy Treasures by Royanna Lea Fritschmann, I'm Talking 'bout remembering you and Play 2..0 wordart by Jodie McNally. Fonts are FO Textura Traced and FO Weathered In Between both by Fontologie. Journalling reads: God sent an angel to the earth... The sweetest angel too and for such a tiny little thing, he had so much to do. He knew he did not have much time upon this earth to stay, so he did not waste a second he got started right away. His eyes were bright and sparkly, he took in every turn. he did not miss a single thing, because Leo came to learn! God sent him here to touch the hearts of those He could not reach... He taught us courage, strength and faith,because he came to teach. His tiny little body was so full of God above, you felt it when you held him, because Leo came to love. In three short months he managed what many never will. When he went home to heaven, his purpose was fulfilled. He learned and taught, smiled and cooed, he learned his lessons well. I know it was his time to go but losing him was hell.


Credits: Layered template (Angie'licious 3, Template 2) and Oh Boy, I'm Worn Out Alpha (slightly recoloured) by Chrissy W, Journalling Strips by Angie Kovacs, Hand Sewn Neutral Stitching and Heavy Duty Staples by Kate Hadfield, A Papered Life 16 - High Style Terracotta (slightly recoloured), Gettin' Framed 02 (Slightly recoloured), Gettin' Handled And Buckled and Ripped & Worn Paper Notes by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Plastic Mesh Action Small by Tandika Star. Fonts are FO Printing Primer Abundant and FO Printing Primer In Between both by Fontologie. Journalling reads: When we told you that it was time to go home from the holiday, we were expecting a tantrum, or maybe a few tears at the very least a really really bad tempered little boy. But we couldn’t have been more surprised to hear you asking us if it was time to go home yet or you bursting into tears when we told you that we were going to the zoo. You were so exhausted from the previous three days, fed up of the weather, homesick and missing Nana you begged us to not go and please go home. I have to admit I was secretly a little glad we didn’t have to add all that travelling onto our day again or try and negotiate the zoo with all the luggage. But I was still disappointed we hadn’t got to have our planned zoo day. We packed up all of the clothes into the suitcase and all of the souvenirs between the bags and the rucksack. All of your teddy bears and stuffed animals went into your pyjama bag and I ended up with all the other bits and pieces in the John Cena bag. People must have thought we had been on holiday for a month instead of the only 5 days! By the time we dragged all of this to the bus stop me and daddy were starting to feel tired you on the other hand looked like this. You were so happy that we were finally on our way home. Or at least we would be after one last stop - Our 1st trip to Ikea! Whether you were looking forward to going there and getting a present or just glad to leave the hotel and know we were heading home we will never know. But I will say it was really nice to get some photographs of you looking genuinely happy and excited,it’s just a shame we had to wait until we were leaving for them!


Credits: Layered template (Egocentric, Team 2 November Mega Kit) by Chrissy W, Everything else is from the Egocentric kit contributions by Jannylynn Brokken, Chris Wasielewski, Chrissy W and Nikki Scott. Font is FO Journal Away by Fontologie. Journalling reads: One of your favourite things about Chessington is getting to go to Pizza Hut and have your very own pepperoni pizza. First we have to order the pizza and find a bench to sit on. When you take the first piece out you always gaze out of the window for a little while. Then you suddenly remember there’s a pizza in front of you! The first piece always gets eaten super quickly, I don’t think you even taste it. The second piece a little slower you usually pick off the pepperoni and eat that first. The thrid part is slower still you often stop and chat to me between bites. The last bit is the one you eat the slowest because you don’t want to finish the pizza, you love sitting in there and hate it when we have to leave. Then you lick all of the pizza off of your fingers, before you do the part that makes me laugh every single time you pick up the pizza box and peer inside, shaking it just to make sure that there is definately none left inside. That’s followed with a sad face and then a quick drink before you sigh and pick up your things and get ready to go.You are always so disappointed that we have to leave. Poor little man.

Be back with the enabling a little later on the little master needs his mummy lol.

Is there anyone out there who feels happy at the moment?

Because it doesn't seem like it to me. Everywhere I look people are sad or miserable, everyone seems worn out and snappy. I know personally I feel even more tired than I normally do and my temper has been a lot shorter than normal, I put it partly down to me still being sick but that argument only works for myself. I know that I feel yuck but it can't just be down to me. Nan and Mark are driving me insane if it's not one whinging it's the other. I am so sick of hearing them talk I just want to smash their heads together or duct tape their mouths shut for a while. Almost everything they are saying and doing is irritating me. I fail to grasp why they both feel the need to vocalise every bitchy complaint about each other to me, why can't they just cut out the middle man (well middle woman actually lol) and bitch at each other instead. I don't want to hear both sides of the argument or more accurately I don't want to hear either side of the argument. I just want to be left out of it completely. I feel a lot more withdrawn and depressed than I have done for a while too. Lukas is laying around a lot like he just can't be bothered to do anything. None of the kids seem to want to play with anything they all just seem really listless and fed up. But fed up and tired is one thing irritated constantly is another.Today Mark has annoyed me by going to his dad's all day yet again. He did finally find Lukas's swimming trunks that he lost but I am still mad nothing he promised to do has been done. He's borrowed some money from Lukas's piggy bank because we are seriously low on funds this week, I could care less as long as he replaces it when he gets paid but that set off Nan. Firstly I don't think it's any of her bloody business and secondly why does she feel like I need to know about it? If she has a problem with something Mark has done why can't she tell him? Then I had a lecture about a letter that came home from Lukas's school. I hate letters from school they are a major cause of arguments around here. I can not grasp why Nan feels like she is entitled to read every letter that comes home addressed to lukas's PARENTS, yes capital letters because it really iritates me. She isn't his parent and she doesn't have the right to have an opinion about school stuff as far as I am concerned. But that's my opinion I choose to bite my tongue usually but sometimes I have to resort to scratching chunks out of my hands when I am clenching my fists to avoid punching her. Lukas's school sent a letter home yesterday about a fund raising thing they are doing. I don't like school fundraisers I prefer to choose what charities I support and how I support them. The charity they are fund raising for happens to be one of the ones I don't agree with so I am choosing not to participate and donate money. I believe I am entitled to express that view. Nan on the other hand tries to bully me into supporting a charity I don't believe in with what I basically call blackmail. Words like "Lukas will be the only one who doesn't", "How will that look to other people" and "people will comment" generally don't achieve any result except making me want to thump you. I refuse to be bullied into doing something just because "everyone else will be doing it". I want Lukas to form his own opinions about charity and donating. I don't think charity should ever be forced. I'm also in the position right now where I can barely avoid to pay my bills and feed Lukas so charity is kind of the last thing on my mind. Don't get me wrong we are not always like this we will be ok for money at the end of the month but for now thanks to the holiday we are struggling. Everytime the school does things like this is causes a row because usually she goes behind my back and makes a donation in my name anyway. They did a fundraiser a while back where the kids had to take in £2.50 and they would get a pair of socks, all the money went to a charity I firmly disagree with so I said no I wouldn't be doing it. Lukas came home with the socks and said Nan gave him the money which drove me insane and caused a huge row. I hate it when people go behind my back, I hate it when she makes me feel like I am a bad mother and I just wish she would butt out and mind her own business once in a while. It's no different when his school reports come home she often gets them out of his bag and reads them before I do. I guess I have just reached the point where I want to be allowed to be the parent I am supposed to be. I am his mum and I just wish that people would start seeing me as that. The only way I can ever see a way out of this is to move out since it's her house, I have to end up following her rules and her butting in and making me feel guilty, I have to tolerate her interfereing but I don't want to anymore. I also don't know how I can move out at the moment the idea of being alone in our own house is great in theory but the idea of losing the few remaining family members I have left breaks my heart. If I move out it will cause a huge row and I will feel guilty about her being on her own here. It was bad enough when she broke her arm and I was upstairs and didn't hear her. Every day I have to live with the knowledge that one day she is going to die, and either she is going to be on her own and it may be days before anyone finds her or the very real possibility that I am going to be the one who goes in to wake her up one morning and finds her. I don't like either situation. I don't want her to be alone but I wish I wasn't the one who had to live here with her. She is so hard for me to deal with especially when I am ill myself, but there's no-one else she's my responsibility because no-one else can be bothered with her. The saddest part for me is in my heart I know that my relationship with her and my marriage can not both survive in this environment. Eventually something is going to have to give and I will end up losing one of them for good. I don't want to choose between them but I can't keep living like this. It's just too hard.

It's been a long week

and to be honest I am not really sure where to start. Since we got back I have been struggling with a lot of things, so much piled up while we were away and I am finding it difficult to get back on track. It doesn't help that I am still really sick and things here are to be blunt not that great. There is a lot of stuff going on here that I have no control over and are making me really depressed. Things like the broken washing machine or the bags that are still waiting to be unpacked bother me but I just can't be bothered to sort them. Things like the mountains of washing that are piling up everywhere, Mark is taking them to his dad's to wash but he can only take so much at a time which I can do absolutely nothing about but are driving me insane. The problem is we are not short of clothes, I have way too many but some of the stuff Mark has chosen to wash is insane. One example is Lukas's pyjamas. He currently has 6 pairs that fit properly, 2 pairs that are starting to be outgrown and 2 pairs that are summer ones (shorts and t-shirts) yet he doesn't have a single pair clean! Tonight he has gone to bed in a pair of bottoms that don't seem to have a top (not uncommon around here since he usually needs tops in a bigger size and the trousers are then too long. When he's outgrown the top the trousers are just starting to fit) and a long sleeved t-shirt. But he's washed about 6 of my tops (did I mention I currently have about 3 drawers full of clean tops?). We are all tired and fed up, everyone is bickering and grumpy and honestly the holiday was really not the break we had hoped it would be. We tried to have a good time but our hearts just weren't in it. I will have to save the holiday details for another post because I want to give you an account that includes some good part and not just torrential rain and a crappy hotel. What I really need is to feel better for one day so I can get everything sorted out. I just can't face the effort of dragging to the doctors yet again though. So I am trying to just get on with things when all I really want to do is climb into bed and sleep. This is a really whiny post isn't it, sorry. I am just very frustrated with everything at the moment, hopefully things will be better tomorrow. Now that I have finally cleared the backlog of emails, blogs and other stuff that built up I am hoping I will feel a little less overwhelmed and not want to cry all the time. I am even keeping my fingers crossed for little bit of peace and quiet today, maybe the chance to have 5 minutes to myself or *wishful thinking* some scrapping time. Actually I feel a bit better now that I have typed that out, so thanks for listening. Back later.