Truthful Tuesday

Lauren Grier has started a little thing over at Sweet Shoppe Designs called Truthful Tuesdays, the idea being to post on your blog every tuesday about a truth relevant to you, she has started a little blog train here. Well I am always up for anything that gives me something to write on here lol. Today has been a mixed day, Mark had the performance and conduct hearing at work about all the days he has missed of work, these are usually either days he has had to take off work to care for Lukas when I have been sick, days he has had to use break to get Lukas from school, or days he has been sick. There are also the days he took of when his mum was in hospital and the days he had off when she died and even though he is working in a completely different part of the hospital they have also included the days he had to have off when I was pregnant with Leo, the days he had to have off when Leo was in Special Care and the days he took off when Leo died. Anyway long story short he has received a written warning and been told that if he takes off even a single day for any of these reasons he will be fired. I personally think it's very unfair since the majority of the days he has taken off have been from his own holiday allowance, they said he was entitled to berevement leave both times and honestly I am of the opinion that if he's throwing up or has diarrhoea he has no business looking after sick people in a hospital. I have never liked his boss anyway, so to forget about that crappy part of the day we decided that tomorrow we would go on that trip to Chessington that was originally planned for Lukas's birthday and cancelled due to Nan not being able to be left on her own for all those hours. Now this is where I get to the two truths I am going to share today. The first is that I no longer care if Nan if left on her own for one day, I am really sick of her whinging and her whining. I am fed up of her attitude when I don't do everything for her, and her moaning when I do because "she wants to do it". I am really tired of planning everything around her and being the only one cancelling things, rearranging things and going without sleep to make sure that she's ok. What really prompted my change of heart was a really simple thing that shouldn't have bothered me but did. Lukas had a occupational therapy session tomorrow, and Nan had an appointment at the day clinic and just my luck they were both at the same time. So Mark rearranged his shifts so he could take Lukas and I could go with Nan because apparently she didn't want to ask Lisa to take her. I kept back cash for the £20 taxi fare instead of the £6.50 bus ticket I would have bought for travel and then today the day before remember she informs me that Lisa is taking her to her appointment, in the car. Lisa is oh so bloody wonderful for doing that yet everything I do for her is insignificant because today I was really ill and when she came back from shopping and walking around with Lisa (note the irony here, because I took her to tesco's in a taxi and had to push her around in a wheelchair because her legs hurt too much to walk). I have never ever done anything so frustrating in my life but I did it for her. She does anything that Lisa wants, I frequently hear "I'm so ill, blah blah blah and then Lisa calls and says can you have the kids and Nan agreeing, I bet if her beloved Lisa told her to jump off a cliff or run a marathon she would, *sigh* I got of the point a little there didn't I, anyway she came home and Lukas was downstairs on his own and I was asleep. I got a lecture about how "he could have burnt the house down, or really hurt himself". Lukas had been up about 30 minutes or so when she came in, I don't let him go downstairs I tell him if she's not here he is to stay up here with me, but she tells him he can stay downstairs on his own. I am fed up of being contradicted in front of him, fed up of her going behind my back and letting him do things I have said NO to. But anyway I am seriously rambling now I will shut up about her and move onto the second truth I realised today. When we were planning tomorrow's day out I realised this is the first time we have ever been away from home for the whole day and not had to worry about pushchairs, nappies, bottles etc and I realised that I was relieved about that. It made me so sad to realise that I no longer missed packing a huge bag for the day, struggling to remember everything I needed to take and worrying about the pushchair. I literally packed a bag with debit cards, painkillers, keys, phone, camera, SD cards and batteries and I was good to go. I also threw in a spare set of clothes for Lukas because experience tells me that it's inevitable that it will pour down with rain, or they will get too wet/dirty to wear for some other reason, a spare top for me for the same reason and a few other mummy necessities but they weren't really necessary. I am at the point where I can go out for the day with Lukas and be comfortable knowing that he can eat and drink like a grown up, he doesn't need anything special. Truth is I never thought this day would come, I used to yearn desperately for another baby, would have done anything to have one. I would have willingly gone through another pregnancy from hell, to get that little bundle of joy at the end. Only now I am in the position where I am not really sure I want to go through it all again. The fear of going through the whole baby loss and heartbreak thing might have a lot to do with that but the biggest part for me is that the means no longer justifies the end. I don't think it's worth being pregnant and miserable again, I don't think my sanity, my body or my marriage could take it, and it no longer seems worth the risk. Don't get me wrong if I was to find out I was pregnant I would be thrilled, but I would be terrified and apprehensive too. I proved with Nan that I can do anything if I have to, but I burned out quickly. There are days when I feel unable to take care of myself let alone Lukas, I don't think that I am capable of being the kind of mum I want to be anymore. I guess the 3rd truth would have to be that I blame Leo for that, I don't want to and I hate myself for it, but I do. I would have done anything for that little guy would have willingly given my life for him, and yet when it came down to it, there was nothing I could do but let him go. I poured my heart and soul into caring for him and loving him.

The easiest way to sum up my feelings for him would be to say this, imagine that you are an artist, an average nothing special artist and you start on this project that seems like nothing extraordinary. You spend hours on it, those hours turn into days and months, you pour your heart and your soul into it's creation. You lose sight of everything around you because you become consumed by the act of trying to make sure your precious work is completed. You shed blood and tears over this project and one day all of a sudden it's complete and you are in complete awe of it's perfection. Gallery owners try and tell you things you have to do to make it better and at first you humour them, only you slowly see your perfection slipping away from it. You recover most of the damage but while it's still amazing, it's no longer perfect. Still in your eyes it's truly astounding and everytime you look at you see the sacrifices and the effort and it's worth it. You decide that it's so special you want to display it and share it's magnificence with the whole world. Everyone marvels over it, and your pride in it grows each and every day. You love it more each and everytime you lay your eyes on it. Then someone, an unknown stranger decides to detroy it, they smash it to pieces and give you no clue as to why. You work with your own hands and allow the hands of the greatest artisans in the world to try and help, desperately trying to bring back your greatest achivement but it's no good, everything you do just ends up taking more and more of it's original beauty away. It's turning to dust in your hands, and you know that there truly is no more hope, you decide to be resigned to the fact that it's gone and nothing you can do will bring it back. The final insult comes when you see how carelessly someone has thrown it into the dumpster, as you run your hands through the broken dreams and memories your tears fall, you know that nothing else you ever create will have the magic that one had, know that it was too pure, too beautiful for this world. You search everywhere for an answer to your only question of why but eventually realise the why no longer matters, the answer to that question will give you nothing, least of all the only thing you really desire. When searching through other projects you come across the 1 which will always remain unfinished, it had showed so much potential at the time, but somehow you were never able to complete it, you start a new project and again despite the great start you are unable to bring yourself to complete it, knowing that nothing will ever be the same as the one which was lost. As you resign yourself to the knowledge that there will never be a masterpiece, your eyes fall onto your 1st creation. Standly proudly wanting to be looked at, it was created with no talent, or skill an accident really but somehow despite the bad start it has turned out to be the thing you treasure most. It has a unique charm that is truly appealing to you, this one wasn't designed to be shared, it's for you to keep in your private collection where it can give you comfort and bring a smile to your lips. As time goes on you slowly come to the realisation that other people may appreciate it's special charms and slowly begin to share it's beauty with others, each time feeling more pride at the joy that it brings to so many others as well as you. It brings you many rays of sunshine on the darkest of days, it slowly eases the pain and the hurt. You know that if there is never another project that will be ok, as long as you have this one. You also know that if anyone or anything were ever to try and take this one from you or damage it in any way, you would willingly lay down your life for it. You would suffer any pain, fight any battle just to keep it safe and secure.

The masterpiece is Leo, the unfinished projects Gaiebraille and Ambrose and the prized 1st piece that would be Lukas. As for the hours of sacrifice those would be pregnancy. Now I really need to get to bed it's 3:33am and I have to be up and heading out of the door at some ungodly hour lol.