Why do I always think I have posted here

and then get really disappointed when I find out it was just another thing on my to do list that never got done?
I've had a strange old October, I have had a blast creating for my guest CT spots, I have made a lot of layouts that I am proud of BUT and there's always a but I am feeling completely drained. This is the worst I have felt physically in a while, I am in a lot of pain I am not sleeping because of it and it's really taking it's toll on me. I really need a decent nights sleep, but I would settle for just a couple of hours of undisturbed sleep or at the very minimum just enough sleep to clear some of this constant fog from my head. Being in pain makes me more tired, being tired makes the pain bother me more so it's a never ending circle *Sigh*. Lukas's Brain Training Game for the DS arrived this morning, it was supposed to be part of his DS package he got for his birthday in August and I ordered it near the beginning of July and he's just got it this morning crazy isn't it. Anyway I couldn't resist having a quick go and to say the very least I was disappointed when I got my score apparently my brain age is 71 years! What can I say except I am brain dead because of sleep deprivation. My little guy got some parcels I ordered on Ebay this morning. He is now the very proud owner of another policeman's helmet and police vest, a race car driver suit with remote control car and his most favourite thing of all Buzz Lightyear Slippers. He's currently wearing all of it lol. He has some more parcels coming including a Buzz Lightyear Spacesuit, Buzz Lightyear Bedding and a Power Ranger Outfit. Mark will be home soon and then we will start the Halloween Project for school tomorrow. We have 27 Pillow boxes to print, assemble and fill with sweets and 27 little cards to make. Me and my bright ideas lol. I could have got started but the decent printer needs a little more ink, so I had the choice of fighting with the printer that does have ink but hates picking up paper, makes loud grinding noises and always prints slightly off alignment or waiting for Mark to come home and add some more ink to my lovely printer that will print in a very short space of time perfect prints. I choose to wait but no doubt I will be regretting that decision later when I am trying to assemble the damn boxes at around if past experiences are anything to go by midnight or 1am lol. But I think Lukas and his little friends are worth it I like doing things to make people's day a little brighter. I wonder if I could possibly manage a couple of hours sleep before Mark gets home?

Now I know why I married him

He has just gone to the chinese takeaway for me 20 minutes before they close because I remarked that chips from the chinese sounded nice. Sometimes he amazes me, anyway I gotta run he's just got back with chips and spring rolls from the chinese mmmm.

Very very bad blogger.

I seem to be apologising a lot lately for this blog. I never seem to either have anything to write ot have the energy to write anything. *Sigh* when there's a never ending list and only so many usable hours in the day things fall off the bottom and never get done. It's 5:50pm right now, I haven't done anything useful yet. I got up, I made a meccano thing with Lukas, I made Lukas food, I checked my emails and now I am writing my blog. Mark finishes work at 7:30 and no doubt when he comes home he will wonder what I have done all day but then I wonder what I have done all day as well lol. The hours just seem to disappear. Today I am burnt out, I am tired, I hurt and honestly all I would really like to do is have a bath, a large vodka and whatever and then an early night. I haven't been sleeping well lately, because of the pain in my stomach. Yes I know I should go back to the doctors but I just don't see the point. I go they prod me about and make the pain worse, then they either tell me that there's nothing they can do to help or they prescribe some painkillers that do nothing. Things have changed a lot around here since the last time I wrote. Mark is a lot more attentive, he wants to touch me all the time, cuddles, kisses, just his skin touching mine and it's nice some of the time. It's not that I don't like him touching me it's just that it's kind of hard to explain that actually I don't want you to touch me right now because I hurt a lot, because then he feels guilty. I feel miserable because he feels guilty and the whole room is just filled with sadness. It's impossible to describe how pain feels to another person, when they can't feel it for themself they either underestimate the amount of pain you feel or they try and compare it to something that they felt and it's never the same. It's a bit like trying to describe the sunrise to a blind person, there just aren't adequate words to describe it. Things are better though maybe it's because he likes being home here with me, maybe it's because there are a lot of things that just aren't worth the time or energy or maybe its because he hasn't seen his mother since he moved back in lol. Whatever the reason there is a lot more peace in the house now. I just don't have the words I need available to my sleep deprived head right now, so I am going to sign off. I will try not to leave it so long between posts but I am not promising anything xx

Hooray for half term

I have my little guy all to myself until the 30th when he goes back to school. Yes I am a bizarre kind of parent, I not only love half term I count down the days until the next one. I love having my baby at home with me. Because believe it or not I actually get more done when he's here lol.
Did I mention I have 2 new toys to play with? I got Adobe Photoshop Creative Suite 3 (PSCS3) and Lightroom 1.2 and I am loving them both. I have started playing around at Facebook. If you are wondering why there have been no layouts posted it's because I have been uploading them to albums over there. I will add a link in the sidebar and I might start uploading them here again but I don't know at the moment. So what else have I been up to? Umm CT work (loads of fun), Helping Kirsty Wiseman convert her Photoshop Tutorials to Elements (More fun and no I am not being sarcastic, I really enjoyed doing it), I have started on Calendars for Christmas presents and I have an album to do for Malcolms Birthday which is in oh 5 days time lol. You should all know what I am like with deadlines by now, I am that mother that's still wrapping up presents on Christmas Eve, heck sometimes I am that Mummy that falls asleep and ends up wrapping presents on Christmas Morning lol. It will get done, eventually. We took Lukas out the other night for another duck feeding session. There weren't many ducks but there were lots of swans and geese and seagulls. Swans are very smart birds they caught right on to the fact that the closer they stepped to Lukas the more likely I was to throw massive chunks of bread or even whole slices at them so they wouldn't come any closer. I love my boy and like I told the birds, "Touch him, and you i'll drown you myself". Nan's been poorly, she has a nasty chest infection that just seems to keep spreading despite antibiotics. I am hoping that they will find something to treat it soon because I hate seeing her ill. There have been other dramas here as always and my cousin has a new baby girl. Her names Ruby and I am dying to see her so I can take lots and lots of pictures. But I'm sure your all wondering what's going on with my marriage, well things aren't that bad right now. Mark is still being a bit of a pig same old issues, but I am reaching the point where I no longer feel the need to resort to making into a row. His solution right now is he acts like a pig, he buys me something so I am getting lots of new Digi Stash lol. It's not all bad he seems happier than he's been for a while, I tune out the constant sport with my new Ipod, I hear the words love you quite a lot. Things aren't exactly sunshine and roses but they aren't completely dark and depressing either I guess for now there's a bit of a fog and nothing is really clear. I do believe that Mark loves me on some level, and he likes being back here. Things will work out one way or the other they always do. For now there's not much I can do except sit back for the ride.

Time to make a few confessions

1. I really did mean to get back here and do this before.
2. I'm still not really sure how I am going to word this post, so I am just going to go for it and hope I end up making a little sense.
Me and Mark came to the decision that our marriage deserved one last chance, he moved back in with me and Lukas. Things are very rocky right now and I really don't know how I feel about it. The truth is it was kind of nice when he wasn't here, I lived in a house full of peace for a while. There was no bickering, I didn't shout at Lukas at all but I was still willing to trade it all for my husband, what can I say I am a fool. I tried to be strong and set down ground rules before we moved back in together. I thought we had an understanding but I was so wrong. Now I live with a man who could care less about the rules we made, a man who is even worse than he was before and now has the added minus of being a smoker again. He's stroppy, biting mine and Lukas head off at every opportunity and I am stuck. I wanted my marriage to work but he's not the man I fell in love with anymore. He's mean and nasty and I feel as if every day when I get up and I let him treat me like this another piece of me dies. There's a rough road ahead and there are tough choices to be made. If only I could find Mark again I catch glimpses of the old man and I like what I see he's not gone completely just buried and I would love nothing more than to dig him out from under this hateful human being my husband is becoming. I remarked to him the other day that we had more sex when he lived at his mothers and he simply replied fine i'll go back there then. From the way he acts you would think that he is being denied sex but he's just not interested. He's content to sit and watch sport, play his laptop or his playstation 2 and not speak to anyone. I need more than that, I need to feel someone holding me, I need to see someone looking at me like they love me. *Sigh* there's bound to be another row later on tonight because I am feeling kind of edgey and emotional today thanks to getting my period this morning. I would be lying if I said I wasn't gutted but I get like this every month I would so like another baby I always felt confident when I had a baby to care for, they don't judge and they love unconditionally, don't get me wrong I still get that from Lukas I just don't get it as often as I need it. He's at school all day, he sleeps in his own room at night and I just really feel like he doesn't need me anymore. This is a real downer of a post so let's finish it off with something a bit more positive. I got my new Ipod Shuffle this morning (came free with my audible.co.uk subscription I can't read a book anymore so audio books are my only way to get back to "reading". The best part is I can listen to them while I do other stuff. Multitasking rocks lol). I am loving it. I am currently shifting my itunes onto it, I can't run CS3 and Itunes because they crash my system so I have been resorting to cds and it's a pain. I currently have 150+ songs on my Ipod and there's still space, Just press play and i'm good to go sounds fabulous to me. Might be back later.

I have stuff to say

But I don't know where to start.I don't know if I mentioned it or not but I was lucky enough to be offered two guest CT Spots one with Jennifer Schmitt who sells here, and one with DeDe Smith who sells here,here,here,here and here. So I have been busy scrapping, and uploading layouts. There's a lot going on at home but I don't have time to talk about it now Lukas is off school today because he was sick everywhere last night, he's moaning about various things. Maybe I will get time to pop back later.

Do you ever have one of those days

where you are sitting at the end of it thinking you have been banging your head against a brick wall all day, or maybe that it would have been easier if you had?
Lukas's school has had an outbreak of sickness, yesterday 40 kids and various teachers were sent home they ended up putting buckets into some of the classes for the kids to throw up in while they were frantically ringing around parents to come get their puking kid. Lukas came home with a rash all over him. So being the mummy that I am I decided to keep him home today. Well let's just say that now I understand why parents look forward to their kids being at school and why they dread the holidays. He's been a little horror for me today. Everything has needed to be repeated over and over and over again. He has pulled all my bedding off over and over and over again. Just don't ask about the bedding it's a sore point basically he strips all the bedding off the bed and piles it onto the floor, why I haven't a clue. How to stop it, no clue there either. I have tried begging, threatening, punishing,I have tried screaming, shouting, taking toys away and still he continues to do it. I am just fed up with it all today. I am sick again have a temperature, feel rough and have a headache from hell, I just didn't need Lukas to be a pain today. Nan doesn't help when I moan to her about him she responds with "he's been an angel down here". Kind of makes me want to smash her head against a wall. I know he's been good downstairs, I know he's ALWAYS good downstairs don't rub it in! He's good downstairs for two reasons 1. he has CBeebies to watch, 2. he has a playstation to play. So he's occupied and like I have said before once he's doing something he hears nothing. I got one small victory today though. He finally picked up all the toy cars and animals from his room, I threatened to bin everything on the carpet if it wasn't picked up in 30 minutes. Normally I am pretty patient with Lukas but today I just feel like everything he is doing wrong is driving me crazy and I am snapping at him. I guess if I didn't feel ill it wouldn't be so bad. I also know that a lot of it comes down to me feeling resentful. I feel overwhelmed by everything and all of Lukas's questions and requests are tiring, they require energy I don't have and while I am struggling and very close to breaking point, my husband is still at his mothers. He comes and takes Lukas to school, and picks him up. Spends about 10 minutes a day with Lukas and moans about doing that. I resent him a lot especially when he says "Well you kicked me out", no actually I didn't I told you to pack your stuff and leave so I didn't kill you because you were driving me mad. If I really meant it I would have packed your bags myself, dumbass. I get so sick of having all the blame ladled onto me. Like the whole you hit me thing. Yes I did hit him, and I apologised over and over and over again for it. But why did I hit him because he drove me over the edge. He will accept no blame and I get really sick of everyone thinking he was an innocent victim who was kicked out by his violent wife. The more honest version would be he was hit by a wife who had long since reached her breaking point, a wife who was acting more like a mother to him. I mean to be fair how many people would not crack under the pressure of living with a 30 year old man who acts like a 3 year old? All I ever did was repeat myself - "please take the dishes down", "please take the washing down", "Please don't drop rubbish on the floor". It would have been bad enough to do that day after day after day, without feeling ill. It got to a point where I chose my computer over my bed with my husband because I was sick to death of being pushed away, why bother trying to be close to him only to be ignored, or moved out of the way of the sport on the television. That's without the issue of trying not to retch when laying next to him because he hadn't had a bath for so long. Don't get me wrong I love Mark, even now and I would still be willing to risk going through all the crap again to make our marriage work.I don't want to be another statistic, I want my marriage to work out. I want the stubborn, pigheaded, ignorant son of a bitch to come home. Family is important to me and it always will be. I still hold hope for my marriage, it lives in the shame place that believes one day my mum will tell me she loves me and my dad will wake up and realise how much I love him and stop letting me down. What can I say I am a fool. Lukas is asleep I might go and join him and see if I feel brighter in the morning.

Inspiration anyone?

I bought these a while back at A Cherry On Top and they are incredibly cool.
Even I have no excuse to say I have no inspiration. Anyway they have been revamped and re-released and are on sale for 40% at Katie's brand new store Scrapbook Lady Designs. Just in case you don't know who Katie is, she's a Digital Designer with a very cool blog here where she provides a monthly set of prompts to "Round Up" your month. Check out September's here, she also hosts the Wordy Wednesday challenge at The Digi Shoppe Blog. I'll be back in a bit I have some layouts to share.

You may have noticed the new look

The happy perky lilac colours and header made with my wedding photos just wasn't doing it for me anymore. So I went for something a bit darker to match my mood, the header is a work in progress. I love the photo but I need to make a few more bits and pieces for it. If you were wondering the header is made with something I have been playing around with it's a work in progress called Sunshine After The Rain. But I make papers, then I forget about it for a while. Right now I believe there are 16 papers for it. When I think it's complete I will share it with anyone that wants it.
I am feeling very sad I found out yesterday that my mum had the baby on Thursday. She was 9 weeks early and weighs 3lb something. I believe her name is Maya. There were complications and my mum lost a lot of blood but she signed herself out of the hospital because of the no smoking policy they have in place. I am hurt that nobody even wanted to call me, I found out from Nan. I wish with all my heart that there was some way to begin mending the relationship but there just isn't my mum doesn't understand the concept of forgiving anyone she holds a grudge and I guess on some level so do I. I would love to see my baby sister or just know that she was ok but I can't. I don't have my best friend to talk to anymore because he became my husband and now wants a divorce and I just feel so overwhelmingly lonely I am lost for words to describe it. I have nobody to talk to, nobody to make it better anymore. I hate feeling so powerless, my life is slipping away from me and there's nothing I can do about it, except sit here and watch it leave. I am really starting to understand why people resort to suidicide, or alcohol or drugs to take this feeling away. While I can resist pouring myself a large drink or taking a large quantity of pills I am starting to understand why some people do and I don't like it. It was always easier to assume that they must have had no feelings for anyone around them, that they cared about no-one but themselves and that they allowed themselves to wallow in self pity and loathing. But I guess maybe they just felt like I do now and they felt like they had no-one to turn to either. Or maybe they just felt like enough was enough. I have been through so many trials in my life and through them all I have seen that distant light at the end of the tunnel, as dull as it was at times it was always there and I was always determined to reach it but now it's all just so dark. I feel like I am feeling my way through life like a blind person and I guess I am just wondering why I am bothering.Everytime I ask myself that question the answer I come up with is for Lukas. I do it all for him. I want to be strong for him and never give up on hoping that things will get better. But it's hard to find hope in the dark.