Today Is Going To Be Hard

Today Is Going To Be Hard, a photo by Lukasmummy on Flickr.

Via Flickr:
Credits; Layered template (Shout It Out, Template 1) by Little Bit Shoppe Designs, CU Stitching Actions by Mommyish Designs and My Story March by Jen C Designs. Font is The Thickest by Heather Hess.
Journalling reads: Today is Mother’s Day, and I will be the first one to admit that it is harder than I thought it would be. It’s one of those holidays that always seems to leave me feeling sad. I’ve spent it grieving for babies I never got the chance to be a mother to. I’ve have spent it feeling miserable for friends and even people I have never met, who never even got the chance to experience what being a mother is like. I’ve spent so many of them crying, tears that just can’t be dried but through them all there has always been you. I may never have called you Mum, it’s just not a label I needed to give you, but you knew how special you were to me. I always bought or made you a mothers day card. Looking back it’s kind of funny, I remember when I was younger I often had to borrow money from you while we were out shopping and then try and buy you a card or a gift in secret. Even though you always knew exactly what I was doing, you always pretended to be surprised and pleased with whatever piece of tat that I chose for you. You kept nearly all of them, I know because I sorted through all of them. Both you and I know that there was nothing in them that your ears hadn’t heard my lips say a million times. I hope that you will forgive me for not feeling the need to keep them. I remember all of the times that I spent ages standing in the card shop picking you the “perfect” card and then lost/misplaced it and had to go back again to replace it. I remember that every single time, that for one reason or another you never ended up getting it on Mother’s Day. It became a bit of a running joke, you always used to tell me you would “die of shock if you actually got one on time”. But you never once made me feel bad about it, no matter how late they were. Yesterday I started tidying my desk and I found 3 Mother’s Day cards, still in the wrapping that you never received. Are you surprised that I hadn’t gotten around to getting you a card this year either, that I had ideas for gifts that I never got around to making. I had it in the back of my head to do it, but I always “still had time”. I’m sorry for being such a screw up, but I know in my heart that you never took it personally. No amount of cards could ever tell you how much I loved you, how much you meant to me and I know that you understood that, but still I feel guilty. I always thought that when you were not around any more I would spend every minute wishing for a few more seconds with you, I would have regrets for all the words I hadn’t found the time to say, but I haven’t. My heart hearts and I miss you, of course I do, but I would suffer this a million times over just so you don’t have to feel any pain. I will willingly take every sleepless night and bad dream safe in the knowledge that you have peace now. Today I am going to light a candle for you, bake cakes with the kids and try and pretend that I am having a lovely Mother’s Day, just like you always wanted. Safe in the knowledge that you don’t need me to tell you that I am never not thinking of you and missing you every day until we are together again in heaven. Happy Mothers Day Nan. Love you.