Ambrose

Ambrose, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Press Plate No 20, Left Hand Side Template) by Liz Tamanaha (Paislee Press), 52 Inspirations 2011 Week Six Mini by Vicki Stegall and 52 Inspirations 2011 The Basics by Sue Cummings and Vicki Stegall. Fonts are DJB Kenna Script and DJB Amber both by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: The other night as I was writing my belated blog post to Gaiebraille, I started thinking about a lot of things I was typing it and my thoughts wondered to you. Sometimes I feel like you got a pretty raw deal of it. When I found out that I was pregnant with you, I was already so hurt, so damaged, an emotional train wreck really. I laid all of my hopes and dreams on you, even though my brain screamed at me to be cautious and not get too attached to you, my heart is still an idiot and foolishly I allowed myself to indulge in my fantasies of a happy ever after with you. But I was never truly naive enough to do more than vaguely hope that it would all work out, so when it went wrong I admit it, I was almost relieved that it was over. It was never because I didn’t love you as much, I was just too scared to love someone so much again and risk having my heart re broken. Gaiebraille was my first, that cut was deep and slow to heal, frequently reopening and having to begin healing all over again. Leo was more like a cannon ball, shattering my heart into a million tiny pieces. I didn’t know where to start in the rebuilding process, my attempts were clumsy and everything frequently fell to pieces again. But you, well you were kind of like the universes equivalent of kicking a dog when it’s down. Cruel and unnecessary, but also kind of irrelevant, when something is already in so much pain and anguish what harm can one more blow cause? I was kind of numb to it all back then, unable to process all of the emotions that accompanied losing yet another baby. I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am that I acted like you were just another lost baby, you were unique and special and you deserved so much more than I was able to give at the time. The problem to me was very simple, I knew I loved all of you equally so I couldn’t understand why I was incapable of grieving for you just as equally. I couldn’t comprehend just simply being too broken emotionally to process any of what I was feeling. I will never be able to find the words to express how guilty I feel for that, so I will just keep it simple, with 1 kiss and hug for each year since I lost you, I love you my sweet angel baby and I always will.