I have a secret

I hesitated to share this before, because it was hard to put into words. Admitting it makes me feel incompetent and a complete failure. But now that there’s a glimmer of light, regardless of how feint it is right now, it gives me hope. It gives me the courage to share. When I was pregnant with Logan things were hard, I shed a lot of tears, I worried a lot but I hoped when he was born things would change. They did, but they didn’t get better. On a good day I felt nothing towards him at all. It was all just going through the motions, putting on a charade for everyone else to make them think I was a normal mother. On a bad one parts of me hated him. He would never have known how I felt because I did a great job of keeping it hidden, until one day I reached a point where I was just overwhelmed with living a lie. I knew that I could love my babies, because I had loved Lukas and Leo. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I loved Leo. I hated feeling nothing, I was destroying myself with guilt because what I wanted to feel just wasn’t there, it was only an imitation of being there. It’s a bit like a gold ring that’s not real gold, looks great to everyone else only I got to see the nasty green stain left behind. I started to feel scared that other people would start noticing that it was fake, I worked harder and harder trying to let everyone think I was coping and I really did love him. The pressure got to me, and things started to slide. I felt like I was destroying myself from the inside, and the cracks started to show on the outside to. I got snappy with Lukas, I couldn’t cope with being married to Mark anymore, couldn’t stand living in this house or listening to Nan anymore. I no longer cared enough to present the facade to everyone. It started slowly, I found myself telling people that Logan was a little monster, tried to correct myself when all I ever seemed to say was negative things about him. That’s the hard part with kids, they are so much work, getting into everything with endless curiosity, and it’s tiring. It wears you down slowly, but when you love them the fact that they have climbed the shelves 100 times in an hour is irrelevant when you look at how cute they are. They can win you over with a smile, or a cuddle. The love helps to tip the scales back in their favour. But when there’s nothing to balance it out with eventually the scales break. I retreated from everyone when I was able to, it was too hard trying to keep up the appearance I was trying to make, so I hid. I hid from Nan and Mark, I sent Lukas in his room a lot, I pretty much let Logan roam free only stepping in when he was in danger because I knew that letting him get hurt would destroy the illusion. I tried not to post on message boards, when I scrapped pages, I still scrapped them about Logan (because it would have looked strange if I didn’t). My journalling was more about facts, what happened etc on his pages rather than being from my heart. Everyone thought I was just catching up on old photos, maybe that I was working on some project or other. It was just easier, I couldn’t give up the scrapping, it would have made people suspicious and I needed something to do to at least try to feel normal even for a few seconds at a time. I guess the real problem was that I am a rubbish liar, I don’t enjoy lying and I find it difficult. I can’t keep secrets, ask anyone. I knew that it was only a matter of time before everything imploded. I could see my marriage going down the toilet, Lukas being taken away from me and just ending up utterly alone. I was terrified, there is nothing in the world that scares me more than being alone. It’s like a confirmation that I was right all along and I really am unlovable. I was getting more and panicky about how to hold everything together. Then I just couldn’t, I slipped up because I started worrying that even Mark would start to see the signs and get a clue about my real feelings (first time for everything right). I told him our marriage was over, I asked him to leave. I was trying to push him away before he could see the cracks appearing. Over and over again I exploded and told him to leave, to pack his stuff and get out only he never did. Partially out of laziness, he knows he has it easy living here and partially because he just didn’t want to leave. He says he loves me, who knows for sure maybe he really does. He was driving me insane with the things he was doing and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I broke down and confessed some of my feelings to Nan. I know she dismissed it as me being depressed or having “baby blues”. I knew she never really understood how I felt. But it gave me courage, if she didn’t believe how serious things were maybe Mark wouldn’t either. I could tell the truth and still be living a lie, because no-one understood. My conscience would be clear because I wouldn’t be lying anymore, it wouldn’t have been my fault that they didn’t understand. Only I underestimated how miserable I was. When I erupted everything came gushing out like a dam breaking. I think the words “Get out and take Logan with you, but don’t think your ever going to take Lukas from me” were my biggest mistake. Suddenly even Mark got it, he knew that it wasn’t random shouting or words slung about because we were having an argument. He could see that I was deadly serious, I couldn’t care less if he took Logan but I was willing to fight him over Lukas. We argued long into the night, a lot of tears were shed by both of us. I cried until my chest ached and my eyes were too swollen to look out of. Then I slept and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t have nightmares, it was just a peaceful deep sleep. When I finally woke up I felt lighter, like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I was able to think clearly for a change and even sit and discuss things rationally with Mark. We decided to give things one more try, a month’s trial to see if things will improve. Then yesterday, things changed again. I was feeling so ill I could barely even drag up the energy to get up. My back was really hurting and so was my stomach. Somewhere between laying down, falling asleep and waking up again I managed to really hurt my back. I haven’t got a clue what I did or how I did it but the pain was unbearable. The worst part was I had no feeling at all down my right leg. Do you know what it feels like to have crippling pain in one part of your body and absolutely nothing in another. Even I had to laugh at the irony of the situation because that was exactly the way I had been feeling for a long time. My heart was hurting so much because of missing Leo, my emotions were numb. When Mark helped me move my leg, the pain in it as the feeling came back was almost unbearable and although it didn’t feel normal for quite a while, I could feel it and I knew it was there. Last night I felt something for Logan. I wouldn’t call it love at least not yet, but I am starting to remember how it’s supposed to feel when I hold him. Last night he was asleep in his new travel cot, he woke up and looked at me. I told him I was going to the toilet and I would be right back. For the first time ever he just waited patiently for me to come back, no screaming, no crying. When I did I simply put my hands out to him, I wanted to pick him up but I also wanted it to be his choice. He eagerly reached up towards my like he always does. Usually he demands my attention, demands that I hold him and cuddle him especially at night and I resent him for it. Last night I just couldn’t imagine laying in our bed without him on my chest. Today I have a new appreciation for him, I pick him up because I genuinely want to soothe his tears rather than just wanting the screaming to stop. I look at him and don’t feel angry at him for wanting my constant attention, and more than anything else I look at him and I am glad he’s here, holding my hand, laying on my shoulder and being Logan. Things aren’t magically going to change over night, I won’t suddenly love him with all my heart and soul, it’s going to take time to learn how I am supposed to feel again after so many months of feeling nothing. I guess the thing is maybe my love for him is a lot like my leg was yesterday. I knew it was there all along but I was struggling to feel it. My entire focus was on the part that was hurting me so badly, the part that was numb was just kind of overlooked. I don’t think my heart will ever stop hurting over losing Leo, but maybe I can shift the balance a little bit, so that like my physical pain that I feel every single day, I will always know it’s there but I can still function around it and at least to everyone on the outside, look normal. When I really start to feel love again it’s going to hurt a lot, but I am ready for the pain. When I remember how to love Logan properly, it’s going to make me want to crawl under a rock somewhere and die. Because for me it’s impossible to love Logan the way he deserves and still have enough left to feel the way I do about Logan. Guilt comes with the territory, it’s just one of the many gifts of motherhood, worrying about whether there’s enough love to go around.

Worst CT member EVER!!!!!

I can now add that title to my huge list including, worst blogger. Now I could sit here and say that I haven’t had time to blog, I could even say I have had nothing to blog about but while both are true I wouldn’t be 100% honest if I said they were the main reasons I have been avoiding blogging. I haven’t really been feeling myself lately and I have really chosen to stay away rather than share my thoughts. I don’t feel like I am really thinking clearly and I am deeply depressed. I would hate to think that I would ever hurt anyone with my words, or negatively affect my CT’s in any way, so I have chosen to say nothing. My CT’s are not what’s bothering me, but I have been scrapping for long enough to know that it doesn’t matter that your thoughts are your own and do not represent the designer you CT for, sometimes what you say when you are a CT member negatively affects your designer. But anyway the point I am trying to make is that I have waited until my head was a little clearer before I attempted blogging again. I’ve thought about things and now that I have something resembling a plan I feel a little happier. I feel ready to focus and get back to doing the things I am supposed to be doing like blogging, clearing my inbox and working on other things on my daily to-do list. I have been busy this month taking part in the Queen Of Scrap contest at Scrap Matters, I am quite proud of the fact that I have scrapped 19 layouts so far. With everything that’s been going on, I have spent a lot of nights unable to sleep so I have scrapped to try and take my mind off things. Some of the layouts I have made have taken 4/5 days at a time because I start them and just can’t finish them. I have posted my layouts directly from Flickr, so I know I have some enabling to go back and add, I will get to it, but it probably won’t be tonight. Right now, I just want to show you what Jane and Jewel have released since I last dusted off my blog. I have already shared the layouts I have made, but I will link to them again to make it easier for you. The last one I enabled for you was Fruit Of The Spirit by Jane, but since that was a while ago you can see my layouts using that one here, here and here. The cardstocks are also no longer free with the kit, but you can buy them separately here. Just as a quick reminder here are the previews.

Then there was In Your Eyes Love by Jewel which was last month’s daily download at Digi Scraps Drive In, well that one is now available in the store here. You can see the two layouts I made with that one here and here. The matching cardstocks are also available separately here. You have only seen the sneak peek preview, so here’s the full one and the cardstocks for you.

Next up Jane released Strawberry Fields, this one is an updated version of a participation prize for the Irish Kisses Event at Digi Scraps Drive In. I never got around to using that one when it was first released, and I only have one layout so far to share using it. It’s a really sweet little kit but I was struggling to find photographs to work with. I know I have some that are similar colours I am just not sure exactly where they are. You can see the layout I have managed to finish right here. You can pick up the kit here, there’s also a set of coordinating cardstocks available separately here and here are the two previews.

Jane also released another kit that I didn’t work with when it came out, so I am going to share that one with you too. Apple Blossom Time, had me completely lost the first time I looked at it, I don’t really have heritage photos, I don’t have girly photos to scrap so what was I supposed to do with it? It’s a lot more versatile than I gave it credit for, but I still only have one layout to share using it, because I haven’t gotten around to finishing the second one sorry. I came across this old photo of Lukas, Conor and Ella in a folder all by itself. I must have run some effect or filter, maybe even messed around with it in Lightroom at some point because it was that pretty pink colour. I actually scrapped that one without a layered template which is huge for me. Although I will admit Jane had already done the hard work with the awesome cluster frame. I love the stitching border in this one, I have reused it on a few other pages already. Anyway I am rambling aren’t I. I’ll shut up now and get to the important bits. The layout I made (intended to be a wall hanging, maybe printed on canvas) is here. You can pick up the kit here and the matching cardstocks here and here are the two previews.

Jewel released a beautiful kit called Whispered Love. When I first saw this kit, I loved the colours but wasn’t quite sure how I was going to use them. I thought it would work perfectly for fantasy style pages unfortunately I don’t scrap amazing fantasy pages, mostly because I hate doing photo extractions. My hands are just not steady enough to do a decent job so it took a little bit of thinking about. I managed to scrap two layout with this one, both of which I am really proud of. One of them is about Logan’s Bat Suit he had for Halloween and the other one is about Lukas and Leo. You can see them here and here. The kit is available here, this one comes with a beautiful alpha but unfortunately it doesn’t have matching cardstocks. Here’s the preview.

Jane and Jewel teamed up to add some very cool bits to the Red Genius Enterprises Store. First up is a super sweet hybrid project and pair of printable sticker sets that coordinate with Tea Party At Georgia’s (My first CT assignment for them, you have to go back to this post for the details and the layout) but I will add the preview here for you. You can buy them all separately Stickers, Glitter Stickers and Hybrid Printable. If you just want the sticker sets you can pick them up as a bundle, or you could save yourself some money and pick up the complete bundle. I haven’t had a chance to sit down and work with these yet but I am looking forward to making them for Ella she will think they are great, and I can be the cool cousin that let’s her glue things. I am just going to share the complete bundle preview as everything is included in that.

Then they signed up to take part in the May Blog Train. That link will take you to the main "station” and if you scroll back through all of the blogs linked everything should still be available to download, look for posts dated May 1st or close to it. But to make it easy for you, I will link you up to Jane’s contribution – Summer Surprises by Little Red Scraps, Jewel’s contribution – Summer Surprises by Mad Genius Designs, Jane and Jewel’s joint contribution – Summer Surprises by Red Genius Enterprises, the matching store mini and the coordinating cardstocks. If you purchase the mini kit and collect all three mini kits from the blog you will end up with a very cute full kit and even if you buy the cardstocks as well it will only have cost you $3.98, that’s an absolute steal. I haven’t gotten around to working with this one yet, but here are all of the previews for you. If you combine the top 4 you get the everything in the larger preview, I added the cardstocks for you to see as well.

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There are two more things I want to link you up to but I think this post is already image heavy enough so I am going to start a brand new one. The images are all linked up for easy shopping lol, except the Summer Surprises big preview as it’s not available as a full size kit yet. 

Feeding The Lorikeets

Feeding The Lorikeets, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Fireside, Template 1) and Tack It Down by Britt-ish Designs, Blog Train Contribution by Helena Monteiro Designs, The Only Date Stamps You'll Ever Need by Amber LeBau (Stolen Moments), Bad Sewing Machine 18 - Kinda Kleen by Traci Reed and Everyday Moments, Everyday Moments The Neutrals and Orange You Glad Cardstock all by Jane Shaver (Little Red Scraps). Fonts are Hootie!, FO Textura Traced by Fontologie and DJB Coffeeshop Espresso by Darcy Baldwin and Shawna Clingerman.
Journalling reads: we may have been slightly hesitant towards the birds on our first visit to lorikeet lagoon. but when we took conor to chessington for his first visit he was the complete opposite. he couldn’t wait to jump in and feed them a cup of nectar, he was more than happy to have them perched on his shoulder and arm and to feed them right out of his hands. lukas was curious and wanted to feed them to but he rapidly changed his mind once the bird came near him and couldn’t wait to hand the cup back to conor. logan was still fascinated watching them flap around but not really quites as sure when they got close to him. i still jumped every single time one flew near me. but the funniest part had to be one of the other birds, every time i got the camera focused and tried to take it’s photo, it jumped across onto the opposite fence. i eventually gave up trying and managed to get one a fairly good one from outside the door!

Does It Really Look Like I Am Enjoying Myself?

Does It Really Look Like I Am Enjoying Myself? , originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Queen Of Scrap 2010 Template Bundle) by Becca S (becca1976), Hanging Out Date Tags by Jennifer Barrette and Sharp Dressed by Jane Shaver (Little Red Scraps). Fonts are DJB Myla by Darcy Baldwin, DJB Coffeeshop Tall Skinny Extended by Darcy Baldwin and Shawna Clingerman and CK Amour.
Journalling reads: This is what a night out looks like to me. I spend ages looking for a perfect outfit to wear, and then on the day I change my mind and decide it looks wrong. I end up wearing something else (that I don’t really like either). I rush around trying to get the kids ready on time and realize that I haven’t put my makeup on 5 minutes before we walk out the door. Wherever I end up sitting, the table ends up littered with baby bottles, juice cups, snacks and baby wipes etc while the floor is piled high with changing bags and other bits and pieces. That pint glass in front of me was full of lemonade (at least when the photo was taken it was, it had vodka and lemonade in it later). Usually there is at least one pair of shoes under there too, since they never stay on my feet. At some point I end up having to grab a kid for a clothes change and try to wrestle them into something clean while they struggle and protest. They put a glass of wine in front of me that I palm off on someone else or into the nearest plant. Yet people still ask me why I hate going out anywhere!

Wedding Dress

Wedding Dress, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Queen Of Scrap 2010 Template Bundle) by Tanya's Crossbone Cuts (TanyaH666) and Sharp Dressed (slightly recoloured) by Jane Shaver Little Red Scraps). Font is DJB Kim W by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: Anyone who knows me will tell you, I was never the kind of girl who spent hours, just sitting and thinking about the sort of wedding dress I would wear one day. I was never the kind of girl who liked to imagine what my wedding day was going to be like. I was never even that girl who daydreamed about being married to some celebrity or other, or that girl who scrawled the name of her latest crush on her notebooks. Actually I never even had crushes on boys, I spent more time fighting with them than I did mooning over them. I was the kind of girl who used to say I was never going to get married, never going to have kids. I even left school with a certificate saying I was the least likely person to end up married with kids. There is no fairy story, no I met my prince charming moment. That’s just not the way that my story goes. When we got engaged I was the one who did the asking. The ring we ended up buying spent as much time on my finger as it did being thrown at him in temper. We fought like cat and dog and during the time we were planning our wedding, he heard at least once a day that the wedding was off. At first I didn’t even want a dress, all of the ones I tried on seemed so wrong. Too long, too short, too girly, too tight, wrong size, made me look massive, way too expensive etc. Then I saw this one, on Ebay of all places. I had to send the designer all of my measurements and she would make the dress to fit. The only problem was it was going to be shipped from China. I was so terrified it wasn’t going to arrive in time, or it wasn’t going to fit I went and bought a suit, just incase. Somehow despite it all we made it to our wedding morning. It was only as he stood behind me and laced up my dress. I finally understood why people made such a fuss. As I looked in the mirror I couldn’t believe that it was me staring back. I looked and felt like a fairy princess. I guess even though I didn’t know it, I had been waiting for this my whole life.

Look At That

Look At That, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Designs By Tater, Tatertots iNSD template 6) by Scrappy Melly, Scrap Words Inspiration by Cottage Arts, Friday Flea Market contribution by Andilynn Designs and Apple Blossom Time and Strawberry Fields by Jane Shaver (Little Red Scraps). Fonts are CK Plain Jane and CK Stensa.
Journalling reads:It’s not very often now that we get the chance, to sit down and just enjoy being together. We always seem to have places to be and things that need to be done. It wasn’t always like this, when you were younger we still had things to do and places to go, but we made the time for days out like this one. It used to be a lot easier to just pack up a picnic, grab a mat to sit on, buy a few loaves of bread, then head off to the park for the day, because I never used to be quite as ill as I am now. We would sit down by the river and feed the ducks, then once the bread was all gone we would just sit chatting and watching the world go by. On this day I had a great time taking some photographs, of you and Daddy chatting and having nice cuddles together. I was really pleased because it’s not often I get photos of you together andI managed to get some really cute, but still very natural ones. But it was only when I sat down to clear off the camera’s SD card, that I came across this one. It puzzled me, because I honestly couldn’t seem to recall taking it. I don’t know what it was that you were pointing out to Daddy. I don’t know what it was you found so interesting, that you just had to get Daddy to see it too. I wish I did. I could guess that since it was by the river, you may have been showing him a bird. You used to love the ducks and were always asking questions about the other birds we saw. I do remember that day we saw baby birds, so maybe you had spotted one of them, or perhaps a nest. You used to like clouds too, they were always one of the things you were quick to point out to us, especially when you thought they looked like something. You might have seen some people on the other side of the river, or maybe even spotted the big bridge in the distance. What you saw might even be why, we ended up going for that long walk after feeding the ducks, when we saw the trains. I will never know for sure but I do know one thing, you always saw all of the tiny little details, that nobody else would have paid any attention to. You used to make us sit down and take notice of them too. Thank you for taking the time to show us the world through your eyes Lukas. 8th July 2007.

Lukas, Conor and Ella

Lukas, Conor and Ella, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Apple Blossom Time and Apple Blossom Time Cardstock by Jane Shaver (Little Red Scraps). Fonts are DianaCTT and ILS Script.

Lorikeet Lagoon

Lorikeet Lagoon, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Tuesday Template, 11th May 2010) by Becca1976, All Stacked Up Volume 1 (Template 2) by Rachel Jefferies (Captivated Visions), Pink Lemonade and Tell Me More by Rachelle Ludwinski (Chelle's Creations), Date Me Neutral by Suzy Iverson (Suzy Q Scraps), Today Dates by Sas Designs and Orange You Glad, Orange You Glad Cardstock, Fruit Of The Spirit Cardstock and Basic Alphas - Captivatingly Copper all by Jane Shaver (Little Red Scraps). Font is DJB Play Misty For Me by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: When we saw that Wild Asia came with a new exhibit called the Lorikeet Lagoon, we were not really sure what it was but the name had us intrigued enough to check it out. After we parked the buggy and finished having a giggle about the spelling mistake on the sign, we followed the instructions to go in. As we got to the gate we were told that we would have to go through the gate quickly as a bird had escaped. It was flying around inside the entrance way. On our right was a tiny kiosk with trays containing cups of liquid, We were told it was nectar, the sign read £1 a cup feed the birds. We decided not to do that this time as we were still unsure exactly what was inside. As we went through the second gate we were amazed at what we saw. There was a o large area of water in the centre and a path and fences all around it. On the outside of the fences were trees. Each tree had slices of fruit (oranges, lemons and limes seemed to be popular) or vegetables (mostly peppers) nailed to the trunks and branches. There were birds flying around everywhere. They were so tame and would drink the nectar right out of your hands. They weren’t in the least bit shy of us or my camera. I could have gotten even closer to them but I have a bit of a fear of flying things. I have never seen birds in such vivid colours before. Logan and Lukas thought the birds were really funny and they were both fascinated to watch them. Even though it freaked me out that they were flying so close, I’m so glad we did it!

Perfectly Precious

Perfectly Precious, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Gimme Some Space, Template 2) by Aisyah Roslan (Sya's Blueprints), Whispered Love (recoloured) by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs), In Stitches Basics and In Stitches Frames by Britt-ish Designs, Perfectly Precious Wordart by Jennifer Word Art World and 52 Inspirations 2009 Week 22 Perfection Wordart by Sue Cummings. Font is DJB Nee Nee by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: This photograph breaks my heart every single time I look at it. Lukas was holding Leo and gazing down at him like he was the most priceless thing in the whole world. His expression was so precious and sweet and then there’s Leo gazing right back at Lukas, like he was seeing something amazing, well I suppose he was, he was seeing a big brother who adored him. When I took this photo I was just radomly snapping photos of the two of them together. This moment could not have been more perfect, but after I had taken it a strange kind of craziness kicked in. When I had picked Leo’s clothes that day I picked the brightest, loudest babygro in the box because he suited colour. Lukas wasn’t wearing the red t-shirt when we got to the hospital, it was one of the spare ones I had packed. He had to change it after he spilt milk all over the other one. When I looked at this perfect moment I had photographed I was really mad that I had picked that babygro and that I had packed that top for Lukas. It seems to silly and trivial but it realy irritated me. After Leo died and I started scrapping I wanted to scrap this photograph. I couldn’t bring myself to scrap it in it’s original colours, I wanted Leo’s pages to be soft and delicate. I tried converting it to black and white, but it seemed to lose something when I did that. I even tried to recolour the clothes. Considering how little I knew my program I didn’t do a bad job, the recoloured version is in a frame in the living room. I am not even sure how many times I have tried to scrap this photo only to end up feeling like I didn’t do it justice, it was missing something. It was only when I scrapped it for a CT assignment that I got it. It needed the bright colours, because that was Leo. He bought so much love and light to our life. It was like everything he touched was better afterwards. Our time with him, brief as it was made life worth living. When we had him we were all happy. The hospital visits weren’t depressing, me and Lukas had fun holding him and sitting with him in special care. It was the leaving that was horrible. None of us wanted to be away from him. He coloured our world like a tiny little rainbow. I suppose in a way he was like a drug to us, we were addicted to the way he looked at us and made us feel and that’s why everything was so dark once he was gone. All of the colour had left our world with him. So now I am doing what I should have done from the start, I’m going to scrap him in the boldest most vivid colours I can find, so his pages are like our love for him, never fading.

2009 Halloween Costume

2009 Halloween Costume, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Mega Template Pack) by Almama Pressed Petals, Whispered Love by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs) and Sweet Treats by Jeannie Papai. Font is DJB Shannon G by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: Yes I do know he’s a boy, and yes I do know that he’s dressed in purple. No I don’t care if you think he looks like a girl, I think he looks adorable. If I had a pound for every time I said those words when I bought this Halloween costume, I could have paid for our Halloween trip with the proceeds. From the moment I laid eyes on it I wanted to buy it for him. It was purple velour, with beautiful dark purple satin wings and there was a little bat motif on the front. Since we were going to be spending Halloween at Chessington World Of Adentures, and one of their most popular rides is the bright purple Vampire coaster, it seemed perfect. Lukas thought it was so cool and kept calling it the bat boy suit. But it got incredibly frustrating when everyone seemed to think it was fine to pass judgement and criticise one of my choices of Halloween costume, just because it was purple! I will say though we got a lot of positive comments about it from all of the staff at Chesington. It was just a shame that because of the nasty weather, we were forced to add more clothes and a snowsuit just to keep him warm enough.

Me and Daniel

Me and Daniel, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Mega Template Pack) by Denise Beatty, Pretty Cozy by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs), Mommyhood by Jane Shaver (Little Red Scraps) and Altered Sea, Fruit Of The Spirit and Love Ya Mini by Jane Shaver (Little Red Scraps), Love Ya Glitters by Jane Shaver and Jewel Goodwin (Red Genius Enterprises) and Sequin Style (used on ribbon) by Me. Font is DJB Pato by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: There aren’t many people, who would understand why these photographs are precious. They were taken on a really old mobile phone, and they are of me holding my little brother Daniel. These are the only photos I have of just the two of us together. I have a few others, first christmas ones I took and some of me with him and my sisters. I don’t have any other photos because I don’t see him or any of my family anymore. He’s a big boy now, he even goes to school, but I remember him when these photos were taken. I remember how we all thought he looked so much like Aidan. I remember how he wasn’t really very sure about me because he didn’t really know me. I remember this was the first and last time, he trusted me enough to let me hold him without screaming. This was also the only time that I didn’t bribe him to try and get him to let me hold him. But more than anything else, I remember that I almost deleted these photos right after I had taken them, because I thought that they were rubbish. Something stopped me and I am so glad it did. Sometimes you only get one shot to record a memory, and you have to be greatful for what you end up with. It doesn’t matter if the photos end up blurry or out of focus, it doesn’t matter if the colours are wrong or they are filled with noise, the quality of the photo has nothing to do with the quality of the memory that you are capturing. Sometimes it’s worth keeping that in mind. 16th September 2006

Diego

Diego, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Tuesday Template, 4th May 2010) by Fiona Potter (Canadianmommy), Zoo Freebie by Lisa Sineros, Espresso Yourself Alpha by Aisyah Roslan (Sya's Blueprints), Grandpas Attic by Scrapmuss, Bursting With Joy Fall Papers by Britt-ish Designs. Diamond All Stars Addon by Heather Nay (Haynay Designs), Everyday Moment and Everyday Moments The Neutrals by Jane Shaver (Little Red Scraps). Fonts are DJB Lorraine Bold and DJB Kimberly E both by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: Photo taken 29th April 2010. In the middle of last season, chessington world of adventures got a temporary new attraction. It was a limited time Ice Age 3 walk through. When we stayed in the onsite hotel, they were continuing the theme by showing the Ice Age 3 dvd and having free masks for the kids. After they took the attraction away we were curious as to what they had done with the character statues. On our most recent trip to the Holiday Inn Chessington, we were surprised and delighted to see that this one, the Sabre Toothed Tiger named Diego now resides in the hotel reception area. He looks so perfect there and fits in so well with the hotel theme. They hold roar and snore events where hotel guests get to meet animals from the theme park. He must be a great talking point for all the guests, although I am sure anyone who sees him for the first time, after having a drink or two wil get a bit of a shock. I think it’s a safe bet that I wasn’t the only person who whipped out their camera to snap a picture or two of him. The part I can’t believe is that I forgot to take one of Lukas standing in front of him. I took this one on our way into the hotel, my biggest priority at the time was getting rid of all the luggage. I meant to go back and take some other pictures but I never got around to it. Oh well since he is going to be sticking around there’s always next time.

Warm and Cozy

Warm and Cozy, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Be Inspired Jen W, Template 1) by WM [Squared] Designs and Pretty Cozy by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs). Fonts are CK Script and DJB Jennifer by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: Whenever we go anywhere, I worry about whether you will be warm enough. It’s hard enough when we are going on a short trip to the shop, or picking Lukas up from school. But when we go out for the whole day and I know we are going to be in train stations when it’s dark and cold, it’s hard to dress you in the right clothes. I always start with a vest and a babygro. I usually follw that up with either an all in one or a top and trousrs combination. If it’s really cold I add a cardigan or jumper over the top. But the one thing I truly rely on to keep you wam and cozy is your collection of snowsuits. You had a blue one when you came home from hospital. Then there was another blue one with a tiny hood. Next came yet another blue one, much darker than the other two. Then we bought you a little brown one, that made you look like a teddy bear. Then came the orange punpkin fleece all in one for Halloween and then this cream one. Because they covered you all over except you face you stayed nice and snuggly. I just added a hat under the hood to keep your head warm. The only parts of you that were ever cold were your hands, because you always refused to wear mittens and your little face, especially the tip of your nose and your cheeks.

Mojo Mojo Where For Art Though Mojo

As you know we were away for National Scrapbooking Day, when I got home I was really looking forward to scrapping. I signed up for the Queen Of Scrap contest again at Scrap Matters and I was excited. Then Sunday I found a way to fix my desktop so I spent the whole day doing that. Monday I spent the whole day reinstalling all my programs. Then today I got up early (well early for me) and I sat down to scrap and nothing. I did manage to catch up on my P365 layouts but that is essentially choosing the photographs I want and journalling. The backgrounds are always the same, and I use the new set of templates by Biograffiti every month. I ended up sitting and watching Nightmare On Elm Street on my laptop before I went and got Lukas from school. I got annoyed by people asking me who I was voting for and trying to give me their political leaflets, we went to the shop to get a few things for Nan and then had a quick trip to the park. Once we got home I changed my mind on Lukas being banned from the X-Box, Logan went to sleep and I sat down to scrap and so far I am still no further than when I started. Well that’s not entirely true, I have tried opening a different template to work with but it’s just sitting there empty, mocking me. Lukas has driven me insane since he came home, and I am stressed. I need to scrap to relax. I even have a break from Logan as he’s sat on the bed tormenting Mark. It’s incredibly frustrating, there aren’t any challenges that are appealing to me and I am truly stuck on how to get started. *sigh* maybe taking some painkillers to ease this headache will help.

Destroyed

Destroyed, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Tuesday Template, 10th November 2009) by WM [squared] Designs and Winter Berries (slightly recoloured) and Winter Berries Cardstock by Jane Shaver (Little Red Scraps). Font is DJB Lisa S Script by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: Once Logan started crawling, the snowmen were pretty much done for. He no longer needed to wait for us to give them to him to play with. He took great delight in swiping at them as he crawled past and even more in crawling over to them and making himself comfortable before battering them. The first casualty was the snowmens eyes, they were tiny little black beads that he pulled too hard one day and sent catapulting around the room. The next one was one of the trees, he grabbed at it and yanked on it so many times it took on a permanant bend and refused to stay upright anymore. Then came the hat he chewed on the pom pom and somehow managed to destroy the wire support inside. We were forced to cut off the pom pom so we could pull out the broken wire. They don’t really have smiles anymore as he’s pulled out the stitching, the scarfs don’t hand right anymore because they have been stretched from being pulled so much. They don’t move anymore and the music doesn’t last long but that may be just because they need new batteries from being played so much. I somehow don’t think they are going to survive until Christmas.

Hush little baby please go to sleep

Logan hasn’t really been himself today, I’m not really sure what’s wrong with him but I am guessing he has another tooth coming through. He was running a slight temperature earlier and has alternated between too hot and too cold all day long. He’s clingy and unusually quiet. When I picked Lukas up from school I had him dressed in jeans, a long sleeved top, a vest and a very thin fleece suit. While we were waiting he got a little bit too hot so I took the suit off. Lukas wanted to go to the park for a little while so since Logan didn’t have any shoes or socks on I put the suit back on. When we got home he felt warm so I stripped him down to his vest to cool down. Then he was whinging because he was cold so I dressed him in his new little England suit. He seemed to have perked up a little bit and even managed to learn a few new tricks, walking along the sofa, walking between the sofa and the table and shaking the kitchen gate. I wasn’t too worried about him as he seemed to be a lot happier and more himself. He had a little nap when Mark came in and something woke him up before he had finished. He’s been a little monster ever since. He moans for me to pick him up, he moans for me to put him down, he moans for Mark, he moans for me again. It was frustrating but I felt sorry for him, thought he must be feeling poorly. I comforted him and gave him whatever it was he was demanding at that second. It was only when he started dozing off to sleep that things changed, and he started acting like he was possessed or something all of a sudden he decided he didn’t want to sleep. He didn’t want his bottle (but he did want to squirt the milk everywhere, tip it upside down and shake it and generally do everything else except drink it). He wanted to crawl around everywhere and touch everything he was told not to touch. He wanted to shout and babble at the top of his voice, he emptied the bin out, knocked over a can of drink, unplugged my external hard drive from the laptop, touched the power cable and almost got burnt, stuck his fingers in my tiny fan and almost got cut, tried to launch himself off the bed headfirst, climbed out of the car seat, almost knocked a pot of baby food out of my hands and over my laptop and he threw absolutely everything I tried to bribe him to be quiet with. Did I mention this was from 1-30am or that Mark slept through it? It was about 4-20am when he finally decided he wanted me to rock him to sleep and now he sleeping in his car seat. I have to admit naughty is a lot better than inconsolable crying but he was being so loud. I was worried the neighbours were going to start banging on the wall and Lukas was going to be awake. What worries me is that he will decide to have a repeat performance while we are in the hotel. Looks like I spoke too soon he is crying again and wanting to be held. Better run I will try and pop back tomorrow between packing. We have to go shopping for a few bits as well.

*Day 8 of the daily download at Digi Scraps Drive In is available here*

Snowmen

Snowmen, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Tuesday Template, 26th January 2010) by WM [squared] Designs and Winter Berries (slightly recoloured) and Winter Berries Cardstock by Jane Shaver (Little Red Scraps). Font is DJB Lisa S Script by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: When Nana saw these Christmas snowmen on one of the shopping channels, she had to have them. So I picked up the phone and bought them for her. Unfortunately when you saw that they played music, lit up and moved you had to have them too. Nana was more than happy, to let you sit on her lap and look at them and she enjoyed it when you coo-ed and giggled at them You loved them so much that she decided they could stay out all year round, instead of being put away with all of the Christmas decorations. The only problem was she forgot to account for you being able to sit up and play with them by yourslef. At first it was harmless enough since you were more concerned about keeping yourself upright. But once you had that mastered they became your favourite toy. We would press the button for them to play music and leave you to play. You liked to play by grabbing pieces and yanking on them. First it was the hats, then the scarfs, then the trees. Next you moved onto chewing them. You love to munch on the carrot noses and on the glitter pom poms on the hats!

Feeling happy today

not really sure why, but I am not going to question it since I like feeling like this. Last night we were up really late (4am lol) watching WWE Extreme Rules, I think it was one of the best pay per views I have seen in a long time. Much better than Wrestlemania and we had to pay for that one, this one we got for free because it was on Sky Sports. My favourite part was watching John Cena beat Batista in a last man standing match by duct taping Batista’s legs around the ringpost. But then as a general rule any match featuring John Cena is my favourite, I think he’s yummy lol. Today I picked Lukas up from school, and we went to the shop to spend his money from the tooth fairy. He chose a power ranger style action figure, Doritos, a kit kat and a drink. Then we went to the new park for a little while. Not really much there for little kids but they had fun and I got some cute photos. Unfortunately I can’t share them today because I can’t find the cable for the phone, i’ll look for it tomorrow. Then we went to our usual park before going home. Lukas had a great time running around, Conor had fun climbing things, and Logan well he slept. He’s been very grumpy and sleepy all day, I think he may have another tooth coming through or a slight cold. Either way there’s not much wrong with him he’s still being noisy and getting into everything. I rang up the hotel about getting a room this weekend, we were intending on staying one night. But since I couldn’t get the night I wanted on our annual pass discount rate, I had a change of plans. I ended up booking two nights on our annual pass rate lol. I am really pleased that now we get to do 2 days at Chessington as well as 1 day at Thorpe Park. Lukas was so excited when I told him. He’s looking forward to swimming in the hotel pool more than anything else. Personally I am looking forward to the food lol. Whenever we go to Chessington I actually eat and enjoy food. Everything they sell there is really nice and we have quite a few options to choose between. Mark has 5 days off from when he finishes work on Wednesday, so hopefully we will manage to fit in having out time away and having fun with some major tidying and organising. Anyway I better run because Logan is whining.

*Day 7 of the daily download at Digi Scraps Drive In is available here*

Octopus Garden

Octopus Garden, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Bottom Ups 7, Template 1) by Traci Reed, Everyday Moments by Jane Shaver (Little Red Scraps) and Tea Party At Georgia's, Tea Party At Georgia's Cardstock and Tea Party at Georgia's Glitters all by Jane Shaver and Jewel Goodwin (Red Genius Enterprises). Fonts are FO Haphazard by Fontologie and DJB Lisa S Print by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: While everyone else went off to go in the Saw Alive Maze, Me, Logan, Lukas and Ella wondered over to Octopus Garden, so they could ride on the kiddy rides. When we got there the man running the rides measured them both and said Lukas was too tall. They had both ridden on these rides earlier in the day but apparently the other staff member was not so strict. He tried to tell Lukas that made him tall enough to ride the big fast rides, but all of those terrify Lukas. Just when he was ready to burst into tears, the guy took pity on him. He said Lukas could ride, just this time, as long as he didn’t tell anyone. We were all incredibly greatful to the guy for doing that. It was such a sweet and simple act of kindness, but it stopped our whole day from being ruined. It also stopped me having to find some other way to occupy the two kids for about half an hour. They only ended up riding it once before Ella announced she needed the toilet and we had to go and search for a disabled one.

Men should never ever be allowed to touch technology!

Yesterday I asked Mark to please reinstall my desktop. I have been asking him to do it for months but it’s gotten worse and worse. He’s lost the original set of installation disks to reinstall it but he told me if I got a copy of Windows XP it would install with one of our codes, we have a few because we have had quite a few computers break. After being awake again all night I was tired and fed up so I made sure everything was backed up, then went to bed and left him to it. He woke me up as he was walking out the door to go to work, and tells me he couldn’t do it. I was still half asleep so I stupidly assumed he meant I was still stuck with the same problems I have had for months. It was only when I went to use it that I realised I no longer had a desktop that didn’t work properly, now it doesn’t work at all! Apparently there is some compatibility issue between the version of windows had and the version of windows he tried to install, even though they are both XP. I can’t explain any better than that because I don’t understand programming and operating systems. But apparently we can fix it by obtaining a replacement set of original disks from Dell who were closed for the weekend. So I am stuck with the laptop which has issues of it’s own, mainly that it frequently overheats and turns itself off. It’s still under warranty so I can send it back to be repaired, I have been delaying doing it because the desktop wasn’t working right and I didn’t want to be without anything to use. So I am very frustrated and fed up, I do still have the photos taken with my phone on the laptop, and I have some stuff including my CT kits on the laptop so I can scrap, if the laptop stays on long enough. Anyway I better go in an effort to help it stop overheating I have the laptop raised up on a box and it’s killing my shoulder to type on it.

*Day 6 of the daily download at DSDI is available here*