A Little Birdie Told Me

A Little Birdie Told Me, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Folded Paper Templates, Template 4) by Elizabeth Albers (Scrapping With Liz) and Something To Say by Amanda Krueger (Nibbles Skribbles) and Laura White (C W Picket & Co). Fonts are DJB Erika by Darcy Baldwin and Copperplate Gothic Light.
Journalling reads: that there’s somebody in this house, who is very excited today. Bet the little birdie doesn’t know why you are so excited, but I do! Today is your last day in foundation. In September you are going to be in year one and you are really looking forward to it. You are so proud of the fact that you will get to play on the big playground. You are excited because Ella will be in the class you are in now. You are thrilled that you will be having a new teacher. More than anything else though you can’t wait for the school holidays to start. I know something else the birdie doesn’t know. I know that you are a little bit scared of everything changing, you don’t really like change very much. But you will be fine once you get used to it. I’ll let you in on a secret though, promise you won’t tell it to anyone. I am a little sad today, you seem to be growing up so quickly. I can’t believe you are ready to start year 1, at least we have 7 weeks to get used to it!

Cooking Cakes The Easy Way

Cooking Cakes The Easy Way, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (July Made In The Shade Template) by Kerry Ticknor (kerryt) and In The Kitchen Basics by Karen Schulz (Snickerdoodle Designs By Karen) and Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs). Fonts are GG Leslie and Sugar Coma.
Journalling reads:When you were younger, it was never easy to do anything fun with you like cooking. You had a real phobia of getting anything on your hands or being dirty. so we used to cheat. We would buy a packet cake mix, put you in your painting apron and get out nannie fredas food processor. we got to have all of the fun of baking cakes together without any of the mess. i only wish you would have at least tried some of the cakes we had stood and made. Or at least not insisted on covering them all in that icky pink icing. We always ended up with so many we couldn’t eat them. I will say one thing though, everyone daddy worked with used to love it when we baked, because they always ended up getting all of the cakes to eat so they were not wasted. 22nd May 2005

Accident Prone Lukas

Accident Prone Lukas, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Can Ya Dig It, July 2010 Template), Not The Doctor and Not The Doctor Alphas all by Laura White (C W Picket & Company). Fonts are GG Basic and FO Howie's Stamps Lowfat by Fontologie.
Journalling reads: There really can’t be all that many children, who are as accident prone as you Lukas. On your first day in year one, you ended up getting a cut above your eye and a nasty graze on your hand. Apparently another little boy had knocked you over. On your second day in year one you got hurt again. We ended up getting a call from the teacher, who told us not to wory but Lukas had a little accident and hurt his head. When we came to pick you up we were not expecting it to be this bad.. We found out it had happened when you fell from the top of the climbing frame what are we going to do with you Lukas?

Talking Tree

Talking Tree, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Vertical, Template 1) by Elizabeth Albers (Scrapping With Liz and Once Upon A Time by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs). Fonts are DJB Mat by Darcy Baldwin and FO Empty Wrapper In Between by Fontologie.
Journalling reads: When we visited Gullivers Land, everything was decorated for Christmas. They had converted the Enchanted Forest into a winter wonderland leading to Santa’s Grotto. You were busy pointing out all of the details, like the little toadstools and the little animals, then suddenly you just stopped talking and started to giggle. You seemed to think that the trees having faces was one of the funniest things you had ever seen. Or at least you did until the tree spoke to you. You were just intrigued and at first kept looking around the tree for a person. It was only when you found the button to press and make it talk again that you were content. You are full of curiosity, and you have to know exactly how everything works. You are never satisfied until you understand it fully. You also love to press buttons. But honestly Lukas, tell me was it really necessary for you to push the button quite so many times?

Now that Mark’s home

I can show you the other things I wanted to talk about. We have a daily download running again this month at DSDI. Jewel (Mad Genius Designs) has teamed up with Snickerdoodle Designs By Karen, and this month there’s a twist. Last month Jewel posted a thread inviting DSDI members to suggest themes and colours for this month’s daily download. You can see that thread here. They then followed that up with a second thread asking what people wanted to see in the kit, you can see that one here. This is the first time I have ever seen site members having so much input into a daily download. The final kit – In The Kitchen Basics turned out great, but because I am very disorganised we are already on day 3. But don’t worry, because in this thread you can find all the details of how you can earn up to 2 missed days by taking part in our challenges. You can find the download for Day 3 in this thread, if you don’t want to wait and collect the other 7 pieces you can buy the whole kit here for the bargain price of just $2.39 until the 16th July. But I suppose I should stop rambling and show you the preview shouldn’t I lol. I have already scrapped with this kit, my Making Pizza layout.

The next thing I have to show you is this month’s Flavour Of The Month Kit – Splendid Summer. This one is really fun to work with, I fell in love with the cardstock and glitter styles. I have a bit of an obsession with cardstock, and giving me the option to use it as a style and be able to scale the pattern makes me incredibly happy. I decided to try my hand at making quick pages this month and I have 4 that were included in the Splendid Summer Quick Pages Set, which makes me feel very proud. This is the kit that Mark used in his layout but it’s also the kit that I used in my Tire Swing layout. I haven’t actually gotten around to using the quick pages I made to scrap with yet. Don’t forget that by signing up for the It’s A Fad challenge you can get this kit for just $3.

 

If you did want to pick up the kit and the quick pages, you would qualify for the special offer we are running in the store, when you spend $6 or more you receive Independence July for free. Of course you can buy anything in the store to a $6 value for this offer. It’s automatically added to your cart once the total comes to over $6. Now I am just trying to remember what else it was I wanted to show you lol. I suppose I could show you Jewel’s 2 new releases while I am trying to remember. These are both commercial use items, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use them in your layouts. I love using overlays to add more texture or different patterns to papers in kits, and the edge ones really make your pages unique. Unfortunately because I am useless when it comes to blogging these sets are no longer on sale, sorry about that. They are still great value though especially if you happen to be a designer. I will try and be better about blogging when they are released.

Oh I remember what I was going to show you now, you will like it there are freebies involved. This month Jewel is hosting The Works challenge at DSDI, as part of that she has designed a really sweet little mini kit called – Once Upon A Time. The challenge simply involves using the mini to make a layout, don’t forget you get 15 points for taking part in that challenge, another added bonus is that it would count if you wanted to earn one of the Daily Download links you were missing. The other freebie she has available is her contribution to this month’s blog train blog – Picnic In The Park. I haven’t actually gotten around to using either of them yet.

The last thing I want to show you today is a charity kit that Jewel has contributed to – All Creatures Great and Small. This kit was designed to benefit a really great cause, helping to protect the animals whose homes have been and are continuing to be affected by the oil spill. All of the money raised will be donated to The National Wildlife Federation. It’s available exclusively at Funky Playground Designs until the 18th July. Mark actually bought me this kit as a gift, neither of us knew Jewel had contributed at the time of purchase. The kit is really cute, and I am hoping that I manage to find some time to use it soon. You can purchase it here.

So much to talk about

and I have as long as Logan decides to nap for to do it lol. I keep meaning to come in and write a blog post and then I get distracted it doesn’t help that I have been feeling really ill lately. But anyway I might not have long so I am not going to get started on that. This month has been super busy over at Digi Scraps Drive In. Hopefully I won’t forget anything. First up we have a new collection of challenges, including one I volunteered to host – Altered Art. The points system is really good you get 15 points for each challenge you take part in, most of the challenges also offer you a 10 point bonus if you use 90% DSDI products (It’s A Fad, The Works and Yakkity Yak don’t) and Go For Pinks, or Blues offers you a 5 point bonus for promoting the challenge via blog or twitter or facebook or forum. When you reach 500 points you can redeem them for a $5 store gift card. You can check out all of the challenge details here. Usually the Drag Races (Speed Scraps) earn you points as well, but this month things are a little different. We are holding a whole month of drag races, there is a speed scrap every single day. I had never been to a speed scrap before but I chose to give it a try and I have had a blast. So far I have only missed one speed scrap this month. But I do have to get better at actually scrapping rather than just chatting lol. I have only managed to scrap once during a speed scrap. I’ll let you in on a secret, the layout I scrapped looked really nice but I felt like it was lacking something, so after the speed scrap was over, I tweaked it a little. Which one do you prefer?

While I am talking about Speed Scraps, I took Mark to his first one the other night. He had fun chatting but didn’t end up scrapping. He’s coming more over to the dark side all the time lol. He has a twitter account now to go with his facebook account, and he even joined in with a challenge at DSDI. Since I doubt that he can even remember his log in details for his blog, I am going to share his layout with you, if you feel like it please go and leave him some love, it will make him really happy and then he might scrap a little bit more. My logic is really simple if I encourage him to scrap more, then maybe he will whine less about my digi stash shopping lol. Anyway here’s his layout, he took part in the Made In The Shade Challenge (Template).

I suppose it would also be useful to show you the advert for the Month of Drag Races wouldn’t it, I have linked the image up to the forum where you can find all of the details you need. I even volunteered to hold one a little later in the month, that should be amusing to watch lol.

I still have things I want to share with you but Mr Monster has just woken up and Mark is still at Tesco, I will try and pop back later when he’s back. If not tomorrow for sure.

Making Pizza

Making Pizza, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Flight Plan 4) slightly altered by Peppermint Granberg (One Little Bird) and In The Kitchen Basics by Karen Schulz (Snickerdoodle Designs By Karen) and Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs). Fonts are Century Gothic and Stripes and Stars.
Journalling reads: When you were little food was a constant battle with you. It started because you refused to even try new things. At one point you were only eating bread and butter, yoghurt, cheerios, toast, cucumber, bananas, sweetcorn and pizza. Even the things you did like you only ate tiny little portions. So I had to get a little bit creative. I bought a set of cheap pastry cutters and I would cut your sandwiches into shapes. I would arrange your food into pictures and I tried really hard to make food fun for you. Your favourite cutter was the little person, you used to always ask for people sandwiches. One day I got the bright idea to make homemade pizza for you, I bought pizza dough, and pizza sauce, I let you roll it all out and cut out the shapes all by yourself. I let you spread on the sauce, grate the cheese and sprinkle it on and even pick and chop your own toppings. Then we put them in to cook. I was excited and thought this was such a good idea, you had prepared the food yourself, we had fun doing it together, we had even done lots of tasting. So much for that idea! It never even entered my brain that you would refuse to eat the food we had cooked. Or that you would be outraged at the thought of eating your pizza people. We had made all of this mess for nothing!

Im So Bored

Im So Bored, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Flight Plan 1) by Peppermint Granberg (One Little Bird), Edge Genius Volume 1 by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs) and Just Another Day (slightly recoloured) by Jen C Designs. Font is DJB Constance Beauregarde by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: When we took you to Jamboray for your birthday, we were expecting to be there a while. What we hadn’t expected was how boring sitting there for hour after hour was. Daddy amused himself playing games on his phone and playing the Nintendo DS, he’s easily frustrated when he’s bored. I mostly tried to run around behind you snapping picture after picture, and doing crazy things like going down the slide with you. Eventually I was too worn out to play anymore, so I went and sat on the sofas with Daddy. kicked off my shoes and sat back to relax. I usually don’t get bored, because I am always doing something. The first thing I tried was sketching out some page designs for layouts, after that I tried organising some things on my phone, before giving in and playing your Nintendo DS. I was really mad with myself because it felt like such a huge waste of time and it was making my hands really hurt. Lesson learnt next time I am taking a magazine to read! or better still, the laptop so I can scrap while you play!

Leo

Leo, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Boys Club and Heart Genius Volume 1 by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs). Font is DJB Gimme Space by Darcy Baldwin and Lauren Reid.
Journalling reads: Of the few photographs i have of you, these are among my favourites. They are just random shots, most of them are blurry or out of focus, but these ones make me cry everytime i guess that missing you drives me crazy baby.

Logan's Mohawk

Logan's Mohawk, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Wonky Grid Template) by Melody Valentine and Everyday Moments, Everyday Moments Cardstock and Everyday Moments The Neutrals all by Jane Shaver (Little Red Scraps). Font is DJB Constance Beauregarde by Darcy Baldwin.

Tire Swing

Tire Swing, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Cindy's Templates Set 59, Template 4) by Cindy Schneider, CU Paper Circle Calender by CW Picket & Company and Splendid Summer Mega Kit contributions by Mandymade Designs, Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2Day Designs), CW Picket & Company, Charm City Scraps, Andrea DiTonno (AnDi Designs), Denise Tilley (DigiDesigns by Denise), Janet Bracewell (JanetB Designs), Jen C Designs, Melissa Robinson (Melly Scraps) and Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs). Font is DJB Chris by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: Since we were early, to pick up Lukas from school we decided a trip to the park was in order. At first me and Daddy were able to just sit and chat, because you were sleeping peacefully in your pushchair, but the second you woke up and realised where we were you wanted OUT! You have never been on anyone’s lap on the swing because mummy can’t touch the seat, since they are rubber. So Daddy took you on the tire swing. I honestly can’t say which one of you enjoyed it more. It was so cute to watch the two of you!

Well it’s just about time for my monthly blog post lol

That seems to be about as often as I get around to writing a real post now isn’t it. If I am completely honest (which I usually am on here lol) I am actually late with this. I meant to write this one up yesterday, but after only a few hours sleep, Lukas’s sports day and our trip to town I was too tired to function. Sorry about that. Anyway I am here now, so I am going to start with a recap of Wednesday then I am going to tell you about yesterday. We picked Lukas up after school with the intention of going to Cowley Centre and buying him some new trainers and then taking a trip into town to buy him some new clothes, mainly t-shirts and more socks. We were going to take him for a happy meal. We ended up buying quite a few things in the 99p store, then we got some birthday cards, and managed to find Lukas a pair of white trainers he liked that fitted. On our way into town Lukas couldn’t make up his mind if he wanted a happy meal, or if he wanted to go to Pizza Hut. We went straight to Primark to buy his t-shirts. We had picked out some socks for Logan and were walking towards the t-shirts when they announced that they were closing. One of the members of staff was quite rude to us, but we left Mark to pay for the few bits that were already in our basket, while Me and the boys went to Sainsburys. Only we got distracted on the way and ended up in the Sports shop. We had an £18 gift voucher for there, from a pair of shoes we had bought for Lukas that didn’t end up fitting him. We were just going to look at the clothes and then leave again. Then we saw the crocs Lukas has been asking for. He wants closed in ones like mine, he also wanted them in bright orange so they matched mine lol. I called Mark’s mobile and asked him to come and meet us in there. We ended up buying quite a lot. All of the England football shirts were reduced thanks to our crappy performance in the world cup, so I was able to get Lukas a shirt and Logan a full kit for less than the shirt has originally cost on it’s own! They both ended up going for the blue and white kit, although I admit it I am tempted to go back and get the red one, oh alright and the white one lol. We found some great t-shirts for Lukas and some more t-shirts for Logan. I got another pair of closed in crocs, in purple, although I was really disappointed when we got home and found they were too big so they have to go back. Then we picked up some drink in Sainsburys and tried to decide where to go for dinner. We walked past KFC since it looked really busy and headed down to Pizza Hut. They didn’t seem to be running the same promotion as the other store in town was, so we decided to give them a miss. I suggested we tried a new place I had heard about called Fire and Stone rather than walking all the way back to the other Pizza Hut. We were so glad that we did!! We were met at the door by super friendly staff, even though they were busy they pushed two small tables together for us so we had room to park the pushchair. They were running a special promotion where all pizzas were £4. Lukas was going to order from the kids menu but we were advised to order him an adult one as it would be cheaper. So he got one from the menu called the American Hot, (Fire & Stone’s tomato sauce, sliced Italian pepperoni, green chillies and grated mozzarella), and they took off the Chilli for him. I went with the Sydney (Crisp oven-roasted smoked bacon, free range egg, shaved smoked ham, mozzarella, Fire & Stone’s tomato sauce, basil & chives) and Mark went for the Maui (Double smoked shaved ham, Fire & Stone’s tomato sauce, diced sweet pineapple, mozzarella, basil, red onion & tomato salsa). The boys got cokes to drink and I went for Pineapple Juice. The pizzas were all gorgeous and yummy I was so mad I forgot to take a photo because we were too busy devouring them lol. The staff were so polite and helpful, none of us can wait to go back again. Then we stopped off at Tesco on he way home, by the time we actually got home it was about 10pm lol. So we were all pretty tired. Now that Wednesday is blogged about onto Sports Day. This year much to his annoyance, Lukas was in the White Team. He hates white t-shirts (and socks) because he says they are boring. Because he’s in year 3 he got to choose three events to take part in, this year he went for Javelin throwing, Egg and Spoon race and a Running race. We were so proud of him because he managed to come 3rd in his Egg and Spoon race. I suppose I should mention there were only 3 participants in that race shouldn’t I lol. But that meant that he got a sticker with 3rd on it. It’s the first time he’s ever gotten one and he was so proud, although I am not sure who was prouder, him or us lol. Logan had a great time he loved all the noise and excitement, but he did manage to escape his pushchair for the first time, we looked down to check on him and he was standing on the floor holding the pushchair and grinning at us, cheeky monkey. I think we may have forgotten to put his straps back on him, but lesson learnt never leave straps off in the pushchair again. Anyway back to Sports Day, it was really close in points but the White Team ended up coming first. It was really sweet they had the whole team line up and each one of them got to hold the trophy, which was obviously a great moment for them and a great photo op for all the parents lol. Some of the parents had really high end cameras, that made my brand new 14MP look like a cheap point and shoot, it was slightly crazy. After it was all over, Me and Mark took Logan into the city centre to do some shopping. Our first stop of the day will probably sound silly to some people, but I don’t care. I wanted to buy Lukas a trophy for coming third and his team winning sports day. In the covered market there are quite a few key and engraving shops. We were able to buy a really cute 3rd trophy, but they couldn’t engrave it for us because they have no engraver on site. We decided to buy the trophy and get it engraved somewhere else. We tried another place in the market who told us that they didn’t do engraving but their other shop in town did. Then we stopped for breakfast/lunch in Ricardos. It’s a little sandwich shop, the people that own it know us and the nice lady behind the camera couldn’t believe how big Logan was, or that he would be a year old soon. It’s always nice to go in there because they always remember us, we don’t go in there very often anymore though because we hardly ever go into town. Bacon and Egg Rustic bap for me, Tuna Mayonnaise Rustic Bap for Mark, Sausage roll for Lukas after school and a sausage for me for later. Our next stop was a long one, they have been ringing up and hassling us because one of our phone contracts is almost up. We decided that it would be simpler for us to go into the three shop and get a phone there. It took a long time to sort everything out but eventually we left with a Nokia E72 handset in silver and something that we weren’t really intending on, a mobile internet dongle. Then we went to the other key shop to have the trophy engraved. Our buggy wouldn’t fit through the doors, so they were nice enough to open the second door for us. We ended up choosing a brass plate for engraving, and went with the words Lukas 01-07-2010 I regretted afterwards not adding Egg & Spoon race but I was worried about it not fitting. It was £11.95 set up fee then 25p per letter. I might have a second plate engraved at a later date, I haven’t quite decided. It was going to take half an hour so we went into Argos and picked up a new controller for the X-Box 360. Before catching the bus home. We decided the 10 would be quicker than waiting for a 1, that meant we had to change at Cowley Centre. But we still got to Lukas’s school with half an hour to spare, so we took Logan to the park. When we picked Lukas up and gave him his trophy he was thrilled. Mark had a doctors appointment later in the evening, his throat has been hurting for over a week. She said he has a nasty infection and that his throat had pus in it, yuk! lol. He’s not contagious and it should clear up soon. He has a course of antibiotics to take and some painkillers (ibruprofen and paracetamol) that should help with the swelling). He’s gone to work today, and he has work tomorrow and then he’s off on a week’s holiday. We were all really tired by around 7:30 and struggling stay awake. I had only had a few hours sleep because we had been out the day before, was tired because of the painkillers and Lukas was wiped out from Sports Day. I was hoping to go to my 1st speed scrap last night but I just couldn’t stay awake. I’ll be back in a bit with another post want to share some CT stuff with you.

Grampy's Glasses

Grampy's Glasses, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Cindy's Templates Set 33, Template 4) by Cindy Schneider and Boys Club by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs). Font is DJB Becca by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: I came across this photograph of you the other day, it’s a really old one. I’ll admit if it hadn’t been filed in your folder. I might have thought it was Aidan. I don’t think I have any other photograph where you look so much lke my brother as this one. But anyway I will stop talking about that now and tell you about this photograph. You were wearing Grampy Andy’s reading glasses, I have no idea what it was you found so fascinating about them but you seemed to like wearing them a lot. Personally I am slightly inclined to believe it’s simply because you are a little clown and you knew it made us al giggle. You really suited wearing glasses, it made you look really smart and cute.

Staying Cool In The Pool

Staying Cool In The Pool, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Ballerina Princess Templatez, Template 2) by Jeanye Labaya (NeeNee's Creative Inspirations, It'z A Neet Design), Date Stamps 2 by Janet Phillips, Summer Surprises by Jane Shaver and Jewel Goodwin (Red Genius Enterprises) and P365 Basics Beaten Up White Alpha by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs). Fonts are FO Howie's Stamps Lowfat by Fontologie and DJB Sissy by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: When the summer heat was enough to make us both feel like we were melting, we did the only thing we could think of to keep cool, we got out the paddling pool. We set it up on the deck and filled it with bucket after bucket of water. Then we dug out our swimming costumes and filled the pool with toys before we climbed in. It was just big enough for both of us to sit in, Daddy was being a spolisport and didn’t want to join in, but we had a great time splashing around in the pool.

Logan Playing At The Park

Logan Playing At The Park, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Fireside Templates, Template 2) by Britt-ish Designs, Buzzing Around by Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2day Designs) and Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs) and Play Talent Wordart by Kathy Winters (Wordart Fun). Font is DJB Coffeeshop Espresso by Darcy Baldwin and Shawna Clingerman.
Journalling reads: when you were little and we went to the park, you used to be content to sit in your pushchair and stare at everything going on around you. you loved to go on the swing and have me push you gently. you liked sitting on my lap on the see saw and bouncing up and down. when you got a bit bigger we got a little more adventurous, you started going down the slide on lukas’s lap. the first few times you were a little hesitant but on the 3rd or 4th attempt you decided you liked it. everything changed once you were able to crawl properly and climb like a little monkey. you wanted to chase after lukas when he ran off, you wanted to climb up the slide steps. Lukas was sweet he used to sit at the top of the steps to help you while I stood behind incase you slipped and fell off, the steps are high enough to hurt you. But now all of a sudden you have gotten more daring, you not only want to climb up the steps to the slide by yourself, but you want to slide down the slide on your own too. Your favourite method seems to be headfirst straight down the slide. You love it when Lukas is waiting at the bottom to catch you. that’s bad enough on it’s own but it gets worse. your new favourite trick is on the metal tunnel, you like to use the bars to pull yourself to your feet and lean out through the gap to look at the ground. i am pretty much always worried about you at the park now because you are a little daredevil. luckily there are still a few safe things you like to do at the park. like sitting inside the tunnel and banging and scratching on the metal surface, you like the noise it makes. you love when Lukas pops his head through one side of the tunnel or the other, it makes you scream with laughter. no-one can make you giggle as much as your lala can. i think you are thinking the same thing i am, one day he’s going to do that and get stuck!

Bump Photos

Bump Photos, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Cindy's Templates Set 52, Template 2) by Cindy Schneider and New Beginnings by Jen C Designs. Fonts are CK Mapped Out and CK Ashleys Alpha.
Journalling reads: When I was pregnant with Logan, I was so thrilled to have a real little baby bump. I was intending to take bump photographs and scrap my pregnancy journey since we knew my body couldn't take another pregnancy. But nothing went to plan. I felt so ill all the time, that we only managed this one set of pictures.

The Cake

The Cake, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Expressway Map 3) by Suzanne Baird (Roadside Designs) and June Wedding (slightly recoloured) contributions by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs), Janet B Designs, C.W Picket, Karen Schulz (Snickerdoodle Designs), Mandymade, Denise Tilley (Digi Designs by Denise), Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2Day Designs) and Ivonne Ivett (Craft-tastrophic Designs). Font is AdineKirnberg-Script.
Journalling reads: To look at how beautiful our cake looked, you would be forgiven for thinking it was very expensive. We actually bought our cake and cake pillars from Marks and Spencer. We went for fruit cake on the bottom tier and sponge on the other two. Our cake topper came from Ebay and we just borrowed a serving stand and knife set. In total it was less than £100 for evryything, including the ribbon around it. What you can’t see in the pictures are the extra cutting bar cakes we ordered and our other cake topper. But that one deserves a page all to itself.

Ella In The Pool

Ella In The Pool, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Cindy's Templates Set 31, Template 4) by Cindy Schneider and Summer Surprises and Summer Surprises Cardstock by Jane Shaver and Jewel Goodwin (Red Genius Enterprises).

Your 1st Baseball Bat

Your 1st Baseball Bat, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Cindy's Templates Set 31, Template 3) by Cindy Schneider, Ribbon from Summer Surprises Blog Freebie by JennCK, Ribbon and Staple from Summer Surprises Blog Freebie by Linda Walton, Stitching from Pretty Cozy by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs) and Summer Surprises by Jane Shaver and Jewel Goodwin (Red Genius Enterprises). Fonts are Goudy Stout and DJB Writes A Lot by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: Everytime Nannie Donna went on holiday, she used to take great pleasure in bringing you back some, well I will be nice and say unusual gifts. She seemed to look for the most noisy or destructive thing she could possibly find. This time that happened to be a Power Ranger Baseball bat and ball set. Not only was it a potentially lethal weapon but it made the sound of shattering glass everytime anything touched it. I can’t even guess at how many times, me and daddy came racing down to the garden thinking you had smashed the shed window or the kitchen door. You couldn’t quite get the hang of swinging it at the ball, but we had a lot of fun trying at the park. We soon moved on to mummy and daddy hitting the ball and you chasing after it, like a dog. You are such a funny little boy Lukas.

Happy 5th Birthday

Happy 5th Birthday, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Water Getaway Template 1) by Mandymade Designs and Everyday Moments and Everyday Moments Cardstock by Jane Shaver (Little Red Scraps). Font is Ghostwriter.
Journalling reads: FOR YOUR 5TH BIRTHDAY WE DECIDED TO TAKE YOU TO PLAY AT JAMBORAY. YOU HAD A GREAT TIME, FIRST YOU PLAYED WITH THE LITTLE COUPE CAR (ALTHOUGH I AM STILL NOT SURE HOW YOU FITTED IN IT). THEN YOU PLAYED IN THE PLAYHOUSE AND MADE A NEW FRIEND. NEXT YOU PLAYED WITH THE BALL PIT BEFORE FINALLY MOVING ONTO THE INDOOR PLAY AREA AND TRAMPOLINES. BUT YOUR FAVOURITE PART OF THE DAY, WAS WHEN YOU ASKED ME TO GO ON THE BIG SLIDE WITH YOU AND I WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO AGREE. i WAS REGRETTING IT AS SOON AS WE STARTED GOING UP TO THE TOP, BUT I ADMIT I'M GLAD THAT WE DID, IT WAS A LOT OF FUN!

The Day Before

The Day Before, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Templatez: Volume 7, Template 4) by Jeanye Labaya (NeeNee's Creative Inspirations, It'z A Neet Design), Strong Words Brushes and Stamps by Katie Pertiet and Shine On (slightly recoloured), Jaime's Party and Jaime's Party Cardstock all by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs). Fonts are GG Leslie and Georgia.
Journalling reads: When I found these photos of you, I just thought that they were cute. I couldn’t remember taking them but there are a lot like that in the older photo folders. Then I saw the date on them and I felt a bit sick. Before I tell you why I just want to point out how happy and content you look in them. You don’t look like you have a care in the world. These photos were taken the day before Leo died. None of us could have realized how much 24 hours would change our lives completely. This was the last day that we didn’t have to grieve for him, I would say the last day that we didn’t have to miss him, but we missed him every second he was in the hospital away from us. This was the last day we could truly smile and be happy without feeling like we were betraying him by doing it. This was the last day you just got to be a carefree little kid instead of a kid with a broken heart who was missing his beautiful baby brother. I’m glad we have these photos to remind us how things used to be.

This blogging thing

is becoming more of a once a week thing all the time. I suppose the one disadvantage there is to Project 365 is that I no longer feel the need to blog every tiny detail. I feel like they are on my P365 pages and that’s enough. Obviously that comes back top bite me sometimes, like when I get behind on my project 365 pages and find I can’t actually remember what we did that week to journal about it. Luckily for me I am not really too far behind, I have 2 layouts to do to finish off May and I think it’s 3 layouts or possibly 4, haven’t looked at the number of spaces on the templates yet to get up to date. Hopefully I will get that done today. Conor’s friend Luke stayed over last night and since they are still asleep I am using this time to get caught up on everything computer wise, when they are up we have to make a start on clearing Lukas’s room. Is it bad that I am hoping they will be typical teenagers and stay in bed for another few hours lol. Sundays are fast becoming my enabling day for my CT’s since it’s Mark’s day off work I have started making him have Logan on Sunday’s so I can get caught up. It’s kind of nice to still be here incase I am needed but to be able to get things done at the same time. I’m tired today. Yesterday while Lukas and Mark watched the England game, Me, Nan and Logan went shopping in Tesco. Quite a few hours, 2 trolleys and £177 and change and 2 taxis later the fridge is now full to bursting point, so are the cupboards and there isn’t a great deal of room in the freezer either. Ironically I still open the fridge and can’t see anything I fancy for breakfast lol. So I had a couple of chocolate biscuits because I was in need of some sugar and called it good. The kids are both awake and dressed and they are currently in the bed with Mark playing the X-Box 360. Lukas got up really early for him, and as normal couldn’t resist waking Logan up. Logan did go back to sleep after he got dressed but Lukas woke him up again. He’s not exactly thrilled to be awake so early in the day. Bless him he just wanted to be able to sleep in peace. He’s just crawled over for a quick cuddle and a bottle and is now sitting on the bed shouting at me and then grinning when I turn around and look at him lol. Anyway I have things to do and nothing else to say so I will be back later with some enabling for you. If I get chance I will add the enabling to the other layout posts too. 

Photographing Your 1st Teeth

Photographing Your 1st Teeth, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Cindy's Templates Set 28, Template 2 and Nothing But The Tooth by Charm City Scraps. Fonts are CK Solid, CK Stensa, CK 8 Ball, CK Journaling, CK Nitelite and CK Stars.
Journalling reads: Ever since you got your 2 teeth through, I have been trying to capture a photograph of them. I have tried every trick I can think of, from trying to make you giggle, to pinning you down and using my finger to open your mouth. I have tried from every angle including holding you upside down and up over my head. But you are stubborn and obstinate. Every time I try you grab the camera, or shake your head, you put your tongue over them or just tip your head back and more often than not, you bite me. News flash baby, your definitely my little boy, where do you think you got the stubborn streak from? I persevered and today I managed to get not one but two photographs that showed both of your little fangs in all their glory. It was just a tiny little victory, but i’ll take it, even if you were having a complete meltdown in the playpen at the time!

Jewel hosts a colour challenge every month at DSDI, it’s called Go For Pinks (or blues or…), she offers a colour swatch and you can take part in the challenge either by designing a quick page, a mini kit, or scrapping a layout using the colours. This month the challenge had a twist as she picked a kit from the store, and we used the swatch from that. The kit she picked was Butterfly Solitude by Denise Tilley (Digi Designs By Denise). Denise was also nice enough to provide a discount coupon for 30% off the featured kit, all of the details are in the thread. I have no desire to be a designer, but this month I felt inspired to create a paper pack in the colours provided. There are 11 papers all together, all solids I didn’t feel like making patterns. You get 10 12x12 papers and 1 12x12 scalloped paper. They are all 300dpi. You can download them from 4shared by clicking here. If you use them I would really love to see what you do with them.

Announcements, Enabling and Freebies

In one post, maybe you should gio and get yourself a drink, I have a feeling this is going to be a long post. Got one? good, now where shall I start. If you glance over to the right (obviously not if you are reading this in a reader lol) you will notice I have been moving a few things about again. The CT section has gotten a little larger lol. I know it looks like I am now on 4 CT's but you wouldn't be entirely correct in that assumption. I CT for Jane and I CT for Jewel but they run the team combined. I get to work with their individual products as well as there joint ones designed for Red Genius Enterprises. It's a fabulous team and I kind of felt like it was more than enough. It was enough work to keep me busy without being overwhelming. Then I got the opportunity to be a part of the site creative team for DSDI and it was something I just couldn't refuse. I will be honest with you I have never really had a digi site to call "home". I am registered in more places than I can even keep track of but there are only a few where I have truly felt like I am welcome and part of the community. I never used to mind just reading the threads in places and trying to participate until I saw how much better it could be. When you find a site where the challenges are fun, and the staff and other members are welcoming and helpful it feels different. You feel like the people are a lot more than just screen names who scrap pretty pages. Some of the digi sites around are very elite, they make you feel a bit like you are intruding on a private conversation. Some of them are very condeming spending all of their time deciding what counts as "real scrapping" or "real comments in the gallery". Some of the sites are just too big to feel anything but overwhelmed at, the galleries move too fast and there are always new products it's a struggle to catch up with everything going on. DSDI is nice because it's growing but there's a really great community spirit. Everyone is willing to offer praise and help when it's needed. I want to see the site succeed because I believe that it's a great site to call a digi home. There are some amazingly talented designers and scrappers over there too. The challenges are fun and there's a really wide variety. So if I can help out the site by doing all of the things I was doing anyway like leaving love in the gallery, taking part in the challenges and scrapping with their products, but also get to work with an even bigger variety of quality designs for free, I would be an idiot to say no thank you. CT work is only really work if you don't enjoy doing it, if you were doing everything already nothing changes except you have a little more money to spend on other things :) Which brings me nicely to the next part of my blog post. I am going to insert a little disclaimer in here, even though I am a member of the DSDI site CT, the kit I am going to show you wasn't given to me by the site. I had already signed up for the It's A Fad challenge and bought the kit for the bargain price of just $3. So this review of the kit is just my own personal unbiased opinion of the kit. Now that I have that out of the way let's get to it. This month's Flavor Of The Month kit is huge wedding themed mega kit called June Wedding. You know that I will always be honest when it comes to showing you things, I mean I wouldn't really waste the time uploading the preview, linking it up and writing a blog post if I didn't like the product would I. When I saw this kit I had no interest at all in using it for wedding photos. I don't really like scrapping my wedding photos, the pages never quite seem good enough and to be fair the journalling that goes with them is always kind of depressing. I wanted this kit purely for two things, the glitters and the cardstocks lol. I am always looking for really good solid papers, not too textured but still interesting to journal on. Glitter is a bit of a weakness for me, I have a lot of different glitter styles, I have artrage I could probably make my own but I don't want to go to all that effort when lovely designers have already done all the work for me. Jewel makes awesome glitter but what I can never seem to find is a really decent black glitter. I kind of feel a little bit in lust with the black glitter in this kit and the red one lol. To me $3 was a bargain for just those things. Then I cam across a picture of Lukas at David's wedding. He looked so handsome in his little shirt and waistcoat I decided to scrap it. Then I did another one and another one. The more I used the kit the more versatile it became, I could recolour this paper or blend this paper with that one. I decided to make a little album about David's wedding. They will have been married 5 years in August. So far I have scrapped 6 layouts with it, in 2 days. Each of them is different and unique and I am still full of ideas to use it for. Nobody said it had to be used for wedding pages, the bubbles in it are going on a bath page as soon as I can find the photos I seem to have misplaced. But anyway I am going to stop rambling now and show you the preview for it, I am also going to show you the coordinating set of quickpages that were created by the CT using it because they really show off it's versatility. I'll even link up the challenge so you can get it for $3.



You can find this month's It's A Fad challenge right here, just post in the thread you want to take part and then you will receive a private message containing a coupon for 50% off the total price. Since I rambled on a little bit more than I was intending and Logan is now climbing all over me I am going to start a new post to share the freebie with you, just as soon as I have fed Lukas.

Eating the frog

before you start thinking I am on some illegal narcotic I will try and explain. I subscribe to a lot of newsletters and one of my favourite non scrapbooking related ones is from this lady – Marcia Francois. This post will explain it much better than I can http://www.takechargesolutions.org/organise-your-home/member-downloads/organise-it-eat-your-frog/. My “frog” is blogging although it’s not a difficult task for most people it’s one of the things I don’t look forward to doing, because I think it’s hard to sit and write a blog post when you have kids wanting your attention all the time. When I sit down to right a blog post I have a train of thought (ok usually a pretty vague one but still). You all know that I struggle to remember things, I often walk downstairs or into another room and have a complete blank about why I did it. Well when I am constantly getting interrupted I get lost. I forget what I wanted/needed to write and then by the time I sit there and think of it or try and write something else, the task I thought would take maybe 15 minutes has taken an hour. So blogging is frustrating. Now if I was sensible I would write my blog once the kids have gone to sleep. But while it sounds good in theory it doesn’t really work in practice. After the kids have gone to sleep and I am wide awake I scrap, but I don’t journal. It’s a common misconception that I am not tired at night. I am always tired, but for some reason I just can’t sleep at night. I sleep much better during the day. At night when I am tired, I struggle to concentrate on anything. I make a lot more mistakes that I need to go back and fix which is more time wasted. Usually when I get up I start a layout or I work on one that’s still open from yesterday, I check email and go from one thing to the next never really getting anything achieved. So today I decided to approach my day a little differently, I got up and checked my email to see if there was anything important. I quickly checked one of the forums I like for new posts. Then I caught up on a few things that probably should have been finished before I went to bed this morning. Then I put Logan in his travel cot, Lukas is playing the X-Box and here I am about to start eating my frog and actually blog. I wonder if I can concentrate for long enough to get it done while both kids are distracted?

Wedding Album - The Kiss

Wedding Album - The Kiss, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Winter Berries, Template 3) by Altered Sea and June Wedding Mega Kit contributions by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs), Mandymade Designs, Karen Schulz (Snickerdoodle Designs By Karen), Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2Day Designs) and Denise Tilley (DigiDesigns by Denise). Ivonne Ivett (Craft-tastrophic Designs) and Melissa Robinson (Melly Scraps).

Wedding Album - The Wedding Party 1

Wedding Album - The Wedding Party 1, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Can Ya Dig It, June 2010 Template) by C.W Picket and June Wedding Mega Kit contributions by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs), Denise Tilley (DigiDesigns by Denise), Ivonne Ivett (Craft-tastrophic Designs) and Melissa Robinson (Melly Scraps).

Potty Training Milestone

Potty Training Milestone, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Cindy's Templates Set 52, Template 3) by Cindy Schneider, Delicious by Ellie Lash, Cheeky Girl by Zoe Pearn and Strawberry Fields, Strawberry Fields Cardstock Apple Blossom Time, Everyday Moments by Jane Shaver Little Red Scraps and Shiny Sticker style (used on the red heart on the tag) by me. Fonts are DJB Judy T, DJB Hunky Chunk and DJB Pato all by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: I wasn’t exactly in the habit of taking pictures of you on the toilet, while we were potty training. So I guess this must have been some kind of milestone we had reached. Otherwise why would I have bothered taking a photograph? Potty training is al a bit of a blur to me. I remember you never liked the potty and you went straight to using your special seat on the big toilet. I remember buying a lot of pull ups but I don’t remember you being difficult to train. I’ll be honest and say it’s more than likely that I just didn’t make the effort to potty train you and the pull ups were easier for me to deal with. But all of the details are sketchy. I don’t remember much about you at this age and I am truly sorry for that. I had so much on my mind after losing Gaiebraille and Leo that I was basically just going through the motions, doing what had to be done and no more. A lot of your milestones slipped through the cracks you don’t even have a real baby book and I apologize from the bottom of my heart for that. I just wanted you to know that I was proud of each and every one of the milestones you reached, even if you don’t have the photographs or scrapbook pages telling you so. The slightly ironic part about this photo is that it was taken on Gaiebraille’s 2nd anniversary. Whatever you were doing in this photo was important enough to drag me out of the grief haze I went through for the first few years, grab the camera and capture the moment, I can’t remember what the moment was anymore but I am proud of you anyway. I love you Lukas and I really hope you know that.

Wedding Album - Liz and Josh

Wedding Album - Liz and Josh, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Stacked Paper Templates, Template 3) by Denise Tilley (DigiDesigns by Denise), 4x12 Paper Cutters 2 by Chrissy W (Hearts) and June Wedding Mega Kit contributions by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs), Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2Day Designs), Mandymade Designs and C.W Picket.

Wedding Album - Lukas 3

Wedding Album - Lukas 3, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Stacked Paper Templates, Template 2) by Denise Tilley (DigiDesigns by Denise) and June Wedding Mega Kit contributions by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs), Janet Bracewell (JanetB Designs), Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2Day Designs), Denise Tilley (DigiDesigns by Denise) and C.W Picket.

Wedding Album - Lukas 2

Wedding Album - Lukas 2, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Stacked Paper Templates, Template 1) by Denise Tilley (DigiDesigns by Denise) and June Wedding Mega Kit contributions by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs), Mandymade Designs, Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2Day Designs), Denise Tilley (DigiDesigns by Denise) and C.W Picket.

Wedding Album - Lukas 1

Wedding Album - Lukas 1, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Stacked Paper Templates, Template 4) by Denise Tilley (DigiDesigns by Denise) and June Wedding Mega Kit contributions by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs), Janet Bracewell (JanetB Designs), Denise Tilley (DigiDesigns by Denise) and C.W Picket.

Fairground Photo

Fairground Photo, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Cindy's Templates Set 52, Template 4) by Cindy Schneider, Date Dangly Doos by Connie Prince, Shine On Blog Train Freebies by ShanMomTo4 Designs (little cream button), Starry Eyed Designs (little turquoise button), Rustic Charm Creations (red button and orange ribbon) and Little Red Scraps (red ribbon), everything else from Shine On kit by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs) and 5 O'clock Somewhere Glitters by Misty O'Brien and Jane Shaver (Little Red Scraps). Fonts are DJB Mellykat by Darcy Baldwin and Sunshine In My Soul.
Journalling reads: When we found our camera on a trip to the park, we were really thrilled. It was an amazing camera, the only problem was there were no software, no cables but most importantly no instructions. On our trip to the fair I took this super cute photo of you on one of the rides, but I forgot to put an SD card in. I was so upset because I couldn’t think of any way I would be able to get any of the pictures off the camera. There were a few other times when I forgot the SD card and since the photos were nothing special I just deleted them, but this one was too cute to delete. I kept it in the vague hope that I might be able to buy a cable on Ebay. I was just fiddling around with some of the many different settings on the camera and I came acros something I had not only never found before, it was also something I never even knew existed. A sub menu that allowed me to transfer pictures between the camera memory and an SD card. To say I was thrilled would be a huge understatement. I only wish I had discovered that setting before I deleted those other photos, oh well live and learn!

Now for that other enabling

Oops, I started writing this post out the other day and saved it as a draft. I was intending to scrap a layout and then come back and post it and then I forgot. It was only when I logged in to moderate a comment on a really old post that I saw it hadn’t been posted. So I am very very sorry. Luckily for me (and you I suppose) Jane’s kit is still on sale and has a free gift with purchase. But I am going to start with Jewel’s kit Shine On because I don’t have any layouts scrapped for that one. I really like this kit it just says boys to me, with all the stars and bright colours. This kit was previously 2 separate mini kits, one was available as part of the March 2010 Blog Train and the other was a freebie available exclusively at Digi Scraps Drive In. Now that both kits have been combined for sale Jewel has also added an alpha. If you already have both mini kits you can purchase the alpha separately in the store here.

Jane’s kit Sharp Dressed was designed with prom’s in mind, it’s very elegant and pretty. We don’t really have school prom’s here so I had to get a little bit creative with this one, but I found it worked great for my wedding photos and a photos from my brother in laws wedding. I’m guessing it would work well for anything that required you to get dressed up and go out. You can see the two layouts I made using it here and here. Right now the kit is 25% off and it comes free with some beautiful prom wordart (but you can buy that separately here if you only want the wordart. Jane also has a free striped paper addon available on her blog. I am also going to link you up Jane’s Basic Alpha Bundle (that’s on sale too) because all of them would work perfectly with this kit, especially the Stunningly Silver one.

I have a secret

I hesitated to share this before, because it was hard to put into words. Admitting it makes me feel incompetent and a complete failure. But now that there’s a glimmer of light, regardless of how feint it is right now, it gives me hope. It gives me the courage to share. When I was pregnant with Logan things were hard, I shed a lot of tears, I worried a lot but I hoped when he was born things would change. They did, but they didn’t get better. On a good day I felt nothing towards him at all. It was all just going through the motions, putting on a charade for everyone else to make them think I was a normal mother. On a bad one parts of me hated him. He would never have known how I felt because I did a great job of keeping it hidden, until one day I reached a point where I was just overwhelmed with living a lie. I knew that I could love my babies, because I had loved Lukas and Leo. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I loved Leo. I hated feeling nothing, I was destroying myself with guilt because what I wanted to feel just wasn’t there, it was only an imitation of being there. It’s a bit like a gold ring that’s not real gold, looks great to everyone else only I got to see the nasty green stain left behind. I started to feel scared that other people would start noticing that it was fake, I worked harder and harder trying to let everyone think I was coping and I really did love him. The pressure got to me, and things started to slide. I felt like I was destroying myself from the inside, and the cracks started to show on the outside to. I got snappy with Lukas, I couldn’t cope with being married to Mark anymore, couldn’t stand living in this house or listening to Nan anymore. I no longer cared enough to present the facade to everyone. It started slowly, I found myself telling people that Logan was a little monster, tried to correct myself when all I ever seemed to say was negative things about him. That’s the hard part with kids, they are so much work, getting into everything with endless curiosity, and it’s tiring. It wears you down slowly, but when you love them the fact that they have climbed the shelves 100 times in an hour is irrelevant when you look at how cute they are. They can win you over with a smile, or a cuddle. The love helps to tip the scales back in their favour. But when there’s nothing to balance it out with eventually the scales break. I retreated from everyone when I was able to, it was too hard trying to keep up the appearance I was trying to make, so I hid. I hid from Nan and Mark, I sent Lukas in his room a lot, I pretty much let Logan roam free only stepping in when he was in danger because I knew that letting him get hurt would destroy the illusion. I tried not to post on message boards, when I scrapped pages, I still scrapped them about Logan (because it would have looked strange if I didn’t). My journalling was more about facts, what happened etc on his pages rather than being from my heart. Everyone thought I was just catching up on old photos, maybe that I was working on some project or other. It was just easier, I couldn’t give up the scrapping, it would have made people suspicious and I needed something to do to at least try to feel normal even for a few seconds at a time. I guess the real problem was that I am a rubbish liar, I don’t enjoy lying and I find it difficult. I can’t keep secrets, ask anyone. I knew that it was only a matter of time before everything imploded. I could see my marriage going down the toilet, Lukas being taken away from me and just ending up utterly alone. I was terrified, there is nothing in the world that scares me more than being alone. It’s like a confirmation that I was right all along and I really am unlovable. I was getting more and panicky about how to hold everything together. Then I just couldn’t, I slipped up because I started worrying that even Mark would start to see the signs and get a clue about my real feelings (first time for everything right). I told him our marriage was over, I asked him to leave. I was trying to push him away before he could see the cracks appearing. Over and over again I exploded and told him to leave, to pack his stuff and get out only he never did. Partially out of laziness, he knows he has it easy living here and partially because he just didn’t want to leave. He says he loves me, who knows for sure maybe he really does. He was driving me insane with the things he was doing and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I broke down and confessed some of my feelings to Nan. I know she dismissed it as me being depressed or having “baby blues”. I knew she never really understood how I felt. But it gave me courage, if she didn’t believe how serious things were maybe Mark wouldn’t either. I could tell the truth and still be living a lie, because no-one understood. My conscience would be clear because I wouldn’t be lying anymore, it wouldn’t have been my fault that they didn’t understand. Only I underestimated how miserable I was. When I erupted everything came gushing out like a dam breaking. I think the words “Get out and take Logan with you, but don’t think your ever going to take Lukas from me” were my biggest mistake. Suddenly even Mark got it, he knew that it wasn’t random shouting or words slung about because we were having an argument. He could see that I was deadly serious, I couldn’t care less if he took Logan but I was willing to fight him over Lukas. We argued long into the night, a lot of tears were shed by both of us. I cried until my chest ached and my eyes were too swollen to look out of. Then I slept and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t have nightmares, it was just a peaceful deep sleep. When I finally woke up I felt lighter, like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I was able to think clearly for a change and even sit and discuss things rationally with Mark. We decided to give things one more try, a month’s trial to see if things will improve. Then yesterday, things changed again. I was feeling so ill I could barely even drag up the energy to get up. My back was really hurting and so was my stomach. Somewhere between laying down, falling asleep and waking up again I managed to really hurt my back. I haven’t got a clue what I did or how I did it but the pain was unbearable. The worst part was I had no feeling at all down my right leg. Do you know what it feels like to have crippling pain in one part of your body and absolutely nothing in another. Even I had to laugh at the irony of the situation because that was exactly the way I had been feeling for a long time. My heart was hurting so much because of missing Leo, my emotions were numb. When Mark helped me move my leg, the pain in it as the feeling came back was almost unbearable and although it didn’t feel normal for quite a while, I could feel it and I knew it was there. Last night I felt something for Logan. I wouldn’t call it love at least not yet, but I am starting to remember how it’s supposed to feel when I hold him. Last night he was asleep in his new travel cot, he woke up and looked at me. I told him I was going to the toilet and I would be right back. For the first time ever he just waited patiently for me to come back, no screaming, no crying. When I did I simply put my hands out to him, I wanted to pick him up but I also wanted it to be his choice. He eagerly reached up towards my like he always does. Usually he demands my attention, demands that I hold him and cuddle him especially at night and I resent him for it. Last night I just couldn’t imagine laying in our bed without him on my chest. Today I have a new appreciation for him, I pick him up because I genuinely want to soothe his tears rather than just wanting the screaming to stop. I look at him and don’t feel angry at him for wanting my constant attention, and more than anything else I look at him and I am glad he’s here, holding my hand, laying on my shoulder and being Logan. Things aren’t magically going to change over night, I won’t suddenly love him with all my heart and soul, it’s going to take time to learn how I am supposed to feel again after so many months of feeling nothing. I guess the thing is maybe my love for him is a lot like my leg was yesterday. I knew it was there all along but I was struggling to feel it. My entire focus was on the part that was hurting me so badly, the part that was numb was just kind of overlooked. I don’t think my heart will ever stop hurting over losing Leo, but maybe I can shift the balance a little bit, so that like my physical pain that I feel every single day, I will always know it’s there but I can still function around it and at least to everyone on the outside, look normal. When I really start to feel love again it’s going to hurt a lot, but I am ready for the pain. When I remember how to love Logan properly, it’s going to make me want to crawl under a rock somewhere and die. Because for me it’s impossible to love Logan the way he deserves and still have enough left to feel the way I do about Logan. Guilt comes with the territory, it’s just one of the many gifts of motherhood, worrying about whether there’s enough love to go around.