Post number 500

I just happened to notice as I was about to hit the new post button that this will be post number 500. Wow I ramble more than even I thought lol. So I suppose since this is post number 500 now might be as good a time as any to finally tell you the details of the funeral, to talk about the new level of hell that my marriage has become, maybe I will even spill my guts on a few other things. Ok now where to start? that's been the problem for a while hasn't it there is so much going on I never know where to start with talking about it, I never know which part to actually write about because this blog is no longer therapeutic to write. I don't get the same feeling of release from writing it anymore, because to be honest seeing how things are in black and white for everyone to see makes them more real, more depressing but most of all it makes them hurt more. So how about I start with some pictures of the flowers from the funeral. That should be a lot easier to start with than words. *insert swear word of choice here* because I have just noticed when Mark reinstalled my computer yesterday not only did he forget to back up my ACDSee database (and in doing so lose me hours and hours of work) and forget to back up bookmarks he has forgotten to plug the card reader back in, and since I can't get down on the floor (one because it hurts real bad to bend over right now and two because Lukas happens to be asleep on his bed, on the floor behind me because it's a bit cold in his room at the moment), and pull out the machine to do it the pictures are going to have to wait. *sigh* guess I will just have to take a deep breath start typing won't I, no more excuses or delays. Ok so here goes. I will admit that before the funeral I had a vodka and coke. It wasn't just because I was going to be stuck with people who don't like me very much all day, it was because I wasn't feeling great I had a rotten headache and you know what it's like to deal with people who don't like you at the best of times, there's nothing worse than doing it feeling ill. I will also admit I was still hurt over not being asked to do the order of service and I was mad at Mark for the day before. We were supposed to be going together to the funeral directors, I had been up all night and I laid down for a while. Before I did that I asked Mark not to let me go to sleep, but if I did not to leave me for more than one hour. He left me all day, he went to the funeral directors without me and to be honest I felt like he had taken away my chance to say the things I wanted to say to her, he'd taken away my chance to say goodbye. I know I wrote here that I didn't really want to go but after writing that I had a change of heart. I felt really hurt by what he did, upset that I had wasted Valentines Day sleeping, I was also hurt that he didn't even think to say Happy Valentines Day to me. I made him cards, and never got around to printing them out but he had seen them on the computer anyway so at least he knew I was thinking about him. So Valentines Day was really the prequel to this mess. We were going to a funeral with hardly any money because we had spent so much on flowers, I was worried about everything and I made the choice to take a water bottle with my own vodka in it. Now before anyone condemns me for that I wasn't intending on drinking much of it, I just didn't have anything smaller to put it in. I drink alcohol mixed with a pint of something, coke, orange juice, lemonade, doesn't really matter what I don't like the taste of alcohol, I don't like any expensive alcohol I only like the cheap stuff. I'm strange like that. My brother Gavin and Lisa were working behind the bar, they served me a pint of lemonade, which I added vodka to. After that first one I didn't add vodka to anything else. I feel like I really need to stress that point since it's important that's understood before I go any further. I was hurt when Mark's family gathered for family photographs and I wasn't included, but I said nothing. After they had been taking photos for a good 10 minutes Mark started calling me over, I wasn't interested since I was just an afterthought to him and everyone else in that room, to be honest I was a bit disgusted that they were all happy and laughing posing for family photos at her funeral. I couldn't get why no-one was sad or miserable. After that I got myself in trouble, I was wearing new shoes and on the dance floor in the hall they felt like they were slipping. Not wanting to make an ass of myself by falling over, I decided that the smart thing to do would be to take them off, only I can't bend over because of my stomach hurting (there was also the matter of being worried my boobs might escape lol) so I did what I always do to take shoes off, I lift my foot a little of the ground, give it a little shake, shoe falls to ground and usually Lukas picks them up for me. Only one kind of got stuck on the top of my foot a little and came off by flying slightly into the air and a little way across the floor. Now from where I was stood which wasn't very far from Mark at our table, the shoe was just a little off the floor, and was nowhere near anyone, but this is where the day went to hell. I went upstairs to the toilet and after using the toilet I sat on the chair near the door, simply because I was tired out, I was fed up and I wanted to be away from everyone for a little while. The next thing I knew I was being shouted at by one of Mark's relatives, while 10 other relatives stood and watched. She said that "she wasn't having Fred's (Mark's mum was called Freda) day ruined by some tacky freakshow who wanted to be centre of attention", she followed that up with some bullshit about if you want to be by yourself, you be by yourself, and stop ruining her day. I sat there and the only words I uttered in my own defence were "I haven't done anything" I couldn't understand what I could have possibly done to offend someone I hadn't even spoken to. I had only told a friend of the family that her new baby was adorable, asked Mark's pregnant young cousin about her ultrasound, and the only other people I had uttered words to all day were Joshua (Mark's nephew yes the one I have moaned about lots), Lukas, and I had spoken to my brother while he was serving me. I couldn't help it I burst into tears in the toilets. Then Mark's Aunty Rachel came upstairs and started going on about how I'd had too much to drink, how Mark had to apologise to someone who I nearly hit with the flying shoe and how Mark should take me home. Mark came up and the more I tried to explain why I was crying the more he ignored me. He called a taxi and drove me home still refusing to listen to a word I had to say. I went straight upstairs and cried myself to sleep. He let Nan think that I had got drunk. We spent the whole night arguing I cried a lot, he wouldn't even comprehend that I wasn't the one in the wrong. The next day things got even worse because all of the other details of the day got thrown in. One of Mark's family went through my handbag, and took my bottle of vodka to the bar along with one brand new sealed bottle of water, and one opened bottle of water Lukas had been drinking, demanding that they dispose of it. I found out that the story everyone had been told was I had to be taken home because i'd thrown up in the toilets, after having too much to drink, Lisa had been threatened by the family member who had gone mental at me, she'd told people that she had been tempted to take me outside, that the story about the shoe had gone from the truth to "it was launched down the length of the hall and was almost embedded in someone's head" but much worse than all that I found out that members of Mark's family including his dad had said things like how Mark was scared of me because I beat him. It caused a row in the whole house, I went mad at Nan because she made assumptions based on what Lisa had told her, Lisa had said what she had based on things she had heard from Mark's family, I cried myslef hoarse and I have been pretty much crying ever since. I am hurt that Mark has obviously told lies about me to his family, I admitted on this blog the one time I hit him, I don't batter my husband, I could never hurt him, he's a lot bigger than me and stronger than me for a start. He admitted that he had said I hit him and that he had said I was controlling. I don't have the power to make him do anything as everyone who reads this is aware because if I had power of him he wouldn't drive me so damn crazy would he? He won't speak a single word in my defence, not even just to utter the truth and I know I have said that our marriage was on shaky ground before but right now it is hanging by a thread. I don't know how to forgive him for the lies and the gossip, I don't know how to get past that he wouldn't even listen to my side of the story. I don't understand how even after hearing how the stupid woman had bullied, threatened and exaggerated, he still believed I was in the wrong. I don't understand and I don't know how to forgive that he's not even sorry. If your wondering the woman who we will just refer to as the mouthy troll lol, is related to him she's Mark's Dad's Sister's Daughter In Law. They must get on fabulously because the Aunt is a mouthy nasty bitch as well, the day Mark's mum died I offered to make her a drink when she came to the house, her answer - "Bout time you got off your fat lazy ass and did something". Fueled by the hurt and endless tears I asked Mark for a divorce and he didn't even seem to be bothered. He doesn't seem to fear losing me and Lukas at all. When I ask if that's what he want he alternates between don't know and a very bored sounding no. I am truly at my wits end with it all. I can't help that we are so different, he knows if the situations were reversed I would have stuck up for him no matter what. I never let anyone treat him like that. I love him, I cherish him and I want to protect him. But love doesn't seem to be enough anymore. I can't see past this wall of hurt and tears. I feel like he ripped out my heart and I don't know how to fix it. I don't want to walk away from him, but I don't want to be treated like this either. Things are so tense here at the moment, Nan's mad at him for the way he treated me, she's mad at me for putting up with it, I am mad at myself for not having the strength the walk away, I am mad at him for so many things, even Lukas is mad at Mark because i'm sad, which makes me even more sad. I hate to hear Lukas say things like "I don't like you anymore daddy, you made mummy cry". I try and tell him that it's not ok to say that and then he's confused because as far as he is concerned he isn't doing anything wrong. I have so much to do, so many thoughts rushing around inside my head and no energy to sort any of it out. Just to make things as bad as they could be, I got my period yesterday and it's heavier than it's been since before Lukas was born. I am wiped out physically, mentally and emotionally. I can't sleep, because there's too much going on in my head, I can't even lay in bed because I can't find a comfortable position because I hurt so much. I still can't shake this chest infection or the urine infection, I know I need to make a doctors appointment and try and get it fixed but I just can't find the motivation. Right now I would be content if the only thing that changed was that my body found a temperature and stuck to it, I am sick of being freezing cold one minute and burning up the next. I guess the words aren't gone anymore, and I am sorry for the book that I have written. I don't even have a layout to share with you after having to read all this, because just as I was about to save the one I was working on earlier photoshop munched it. See even a full reinstall can't kill all the computer gremlins. *Sigh* hopefully I will be back later on today or tomorrow with something a bit less depressing.

Another Wind In The Willows layout

Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (ANGIE'licious template 4), Blue Christmas, Old Edges and Clustered Frames by Heather Manning. Font is KGD Tiffany by Kimberly Geswein.

Journalling reads: The Wind In The Willows display was made up of lots of smaller scenes.This
was one of my favourite but I couldn’t find a way to take a single photo of the whole thing and
keep the details. This little guy was standing with a mole, in a little house, they were hanging
Christmas decorations, there were carol singers outside the door, a table laden with food and even a black cat curled up asleep in front of the fireplace.

Enabling: ANGIE'licious templates by Chrissy W available here, Blue Christmas, Old Edges and Clustered Frames by Heather Manning available here, here and here. If your wondering about the font it's retired sorry.

I never thought I would say

scrapping is easier than talking, but right now it is. Just moving papers around on a page until they click into place on a template and look right is a lot simpler right now than finding the words to talk to anyone, either online or in real life. I haven't got much done today except this layout I am feeling really yucky, I am tired out and my heart feels so heavy right now. But before I show you that I have had a few people ask for the story behind the badger layout I showed you yesterday. Honestly there isn't a story behind it, when we went to Milton Keynes and we saw the Wind In The Willows display, I was amazed by the lengths they had gone to and the details they had included. I could have taken a million photos and still not captured all of the tiny details. But I really wanted to remember at least some of the bigger parts of it. I have scrapped a few other photos I took the same day, I know I did one of Mr Toad's Flying Car but I can't seem to find it uploaded on my blog you could always have a look at it here, here or here though, I can't remember what else I have actually gotten around to scrapping from that trip yet. Maybe I will get some more done this week since there is no pressure to add journalling lol.

Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (ANGIE'licious template 2), Little Black Dress Paper and Flashy New Year by Heather Manning. Font is AL Cleanliness.

Enabling: ANGIE'licious template by Chrissy W available here, Little Black Dress Papers and Flashy New Year by Heather Manning available here and here.

Sharing another layout

I made this one for Chrissy's latest template challenge at Digital Candy. I still haven't even scratched the surface of the photos I took of the Wind In The Willows display from when we took Lukas to see Santa at Milton Keynes. I will get to them as I feel like it lol. I suppose it might help matters if I scrapped more than one of them at a time, but I don't do "caught up" scrapping, I just pick a photo that I like, or I pick a kit that I like and somehow they come together as a layout. I'll never ever scrap every photo I have taken and as far as I am concerned that's fine, I think that I have found my balance between scrapping the memories that matter and scrapping just because I enjoy it. I have a wide mixture of "memory" pages and "art" pages.
I might even manage another layout before the wrestling comes on.

Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (Forum Freebie 5) and Icy Sparkles by Heather Manning. Font is AL Eyewitness.

Enabling: Icy Sparkles by Heather Manning is available here and you can donwload the template by leaving Chrissy a post in this thread and she will pm you a link to download it. Then just make a layout and post it to this gallery. Simple and lots of fun.

Now let's get to sharing that layout

I created this for the 3rd challenge on Mrs Wresh's Blog. Credits: Layered template by Mrs Wresh (template 26), Dirty Snow, Wrap Me Baby 1, Old Edges Frames, Blooms 2 and Bringin on the bling alpha all by Heather Manning. Font is DJB Writes a lot by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: I don’t have any family heirlooms or things with massive pricetags. But I do have this, and to me it’s a priceless treasure that I would never want to lose. I entered a baby photography contest at Divine Digital and I was lucky enough to win with a picture of my angel baby Leo. The prize was this one of a kind custom made Crystal bracelet featuring the winning photo. I always wear it whenever I go anywhere that I go where I feel the need to have Leo close to me, I love to look down at it and see his photograph.

Enabling: Wrap Me Baby 1, Old Edges Frames, Blooms 2, Dirty Snow Papers and Bringin' The Bling Alpha by Heather Manning available here, here, here, here and here. I don't think the layered template is available anymore. DJB Writes A Lot Font by Darcy Baldwin is available here.

If I get time to get another one finished while they are watching the Daytona 500 I will be back. But if you haven't seen me by about 1am don't expect to I will be happily curled up watching the mummy porn hopefully beating the living daylights out of that slimebag Randy Orton and more than likely i'll be imagining that it's a certain member of Mark's family he's beating up instead.

No I am not here to tell you about the funeral

we will save that for another day, because to be perfectly blunt I am still really pissed off and hurt by what happened on Friday. I don't like to swear on my blog but there is no other description that sums up how I feel about the whole thing. Some of you may have remembered that today is Gaiebraille's anniversary but to be honest it kind of got lost in the aftermath of the funeral. Yes the funeral was bad enough to make me ignore that, getting a gauge of the scale of how bad it was yet? If that wasn't enough I was really ill last night with an upset stomach. I didn't eat anything at the funeral, and I hardly ate anything yesterday but it didn't matter. I am going to start a new post to show you the layout I have spent a lot of today working on. It's a lot easier to ignore the desire to cry if you are busy. I promise I will try and find the desire to share the details of the funeral later this week, I might manage to find time to upload some photos of the flowers that I ordered from us, mark's brother and his wife and his sister, the ones no-one has bothered to try and arrange payment for yet. I took out a loan for £300 to buy them, they were just over £200 and I have to pay back the original £300 plus the £240 interest, you know the ones no-one even bothered to thank me for ordering. Oh I sound so bitter don't I. *sigh* I just can't help it. I feel bitter, and angry but most of all the whole situation makes me miserable.

Now for something a bit nicer

See I told you if you came back there would be a nice post lol. This one is a just some CT promotion and a layout share. First let's do the promotional stuff, because as you all know I am very very proud of being on the creative teams I am on, but aside from my layout shares I don't really do very much to promote them (which is one of the things CT's are best for). I never remember to post about sales they are having, or challenges they are hosting. Never get around to telling you that they are having CT calls and to be honest it makes me feel a little guilty. Like I am not doing the job I am supposed to be doing. Especially this month, as I have scrapped hardly anything. I lack the motivation to start, the drive to finish and the energy to upload them when they are done. All of them have been really great about it, none of them seem to expect as much from me as I expect from myself. I am very greatful for that but it doesn't help me with the guilt. But I thought posting some of the things they were all up to right now just might.

So I will start with Royanna (Royanna Lea Fritschmann at Divine Digital)
She's having a massive sale, that you really don't want to miss everything is in her boutique is $2! That includes the Commercial use stuff. If that wasn't good enough she's also offering a coupon (that's good until 14th February but I don't know if that means the start of it or the end of so I would spend it now lol) spend $20 and get $10 off your order. So my advice intend on spending $20, add $30 worth of stuff to the cart and then use the coupon, you spend what you intended to and get extra stuff. Some of the kits are over 80% off in this sale that means you make out like a bandit lol. Coupon code is royannalove and you can use it up to 3 times. So after you have stocked up on yummy goodies then what well you could always use them for one of Royanna's challenges lol. If you fancy something ongoing there is the 360 Degrees Of Scrapbooking (there's a freebie in each post for that one) which is jam packed with inspiration.One last thing she's one of the featured designers this month (along with Cyndi Wetmiller - Wetfish Designs and Amanda Coudriet) at Divine Digital that means she's one of the designers that contributed to the free daily download, A Divine Wedding - Happily Ever After. Here's a preview of the Daily Download.

Yes I know it's tiny HTML is not something I have any knowledge of, all I did was post the link from photobucket and I can't see anyway to change it and make it bigger. But if you on click it it will take you to Divine Digital and you can see a full size version.

Now let's talk about Chrissy (Chrissy W at Digital Candy).
Well she has just announced the newest additions to the CT, 6 brand new full time CT members as well as 6 Guests plus the 4 of us that decided to stay for another 3 months. I think that's pretty cool that I will have so many other people to be inspired by, I love to see what other people do with the same thing lol. I have just noticed that she has her entire store on sale for 25% off. If you have been eyeing up any of her templates now is definitely the time to grab them. You still have time to pick up the template for the current template challenge, just leave a post on the thread and Chrissy will send you the link. You will earn 15 Candy Points for taking part, you can read more about those here,The new template challenge starts on Friday, I'll update here when it is up. (edited to add Chrissy has put it up a little early you can see the template and leave her a post telling her you want to play right here

Last but not least Heather (Heather Manning sells at Purple Paper Flowers and her own site Digiscrapping.net)
The new CT blog challenge went live today, I haven't managed to do a layout for it yet (I didn't manage one for the last challenge either see as a guest this month I am pretty useless) but it's a quote challenge.

The ad for that is made with her newest kit Midnight Butterflies, I scrapped the Never Gone layout with it the other day. It's a very yummy kit full of deep purples mixed with a bit of grey. There are some great specials in her own store Glitter Doodle Hearts, Con Amor and Teenage Crush Brushes are currently 30% off and these items which are Commercial Use OK are on sale for 25% off Teenage Crush Brushes Commercial, Wrap Me Baby 1, Wrap Me Baby 2, Make It Easy Overlays - Ratty Tatty Templates, Make It Easy Overlays - Folded and Close It.

I think that's enough CT promotion for today, unless you count this layout as promotion lol. I love how short the credits are for this one lol.
Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (ANGIE'licious Template 1) and I Just Love Her by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Font is DJB Erika by Darcy Baldwin.

Enabling: ANGIE'licious templates by Chrissy W available here and I Just Love Her by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here.

I'm really starting to dislike February

I will give you advanced warning, I will be moaning in this post. If you don't want to hear it either scroll down and look at one of my other posts or go away for a bit and come back a bit later when I have wrote a nicer one lol.
Anyway not that I have got the warning out of the way I will give you one more just because I am strange like that I will not I repeat NOT be apologising for any part in this post, I don't care if it's disrespectful, or wrong to be posted it I am fed up and if I don't vent some of this before friday I might end up telling Mark's family what I really think of them. I really don't want to be my mother's daughter and cause a row at a funeral. So venting on my blog is a much better idea, if you don't like it, well tough!
Now that I have got that part out of the way I will tell you why I hate February. I'll start from today which right now thanks to the time difference is already February 14th, Valentines Day. The day where everyone is supposed to feel special and loved. Most people will be spending their day either in a general state of loved up bliss, some will be spending it being showered with tokens of affection and some may even be doing things like going out for the evening with the one(s) that they love best. Want to know what I will be doing? I will be going out with my husband (who by the way hasn't even bought me a card as usual) to visit the funeral directors to see his mother. Sorry but dead people really don't inspire romantic thoughts. My little guy will be at school so I can't even have a nice valentines day with him. Not getting why I hate it yet ok i'll keep going, 15th is Mark's mum's funeral, a whole day of being stuck with people who I can't stand and either hate me or are trying to grope me. The 17th is Gaiebraille's anniversary (5 years if you are wondering), my babies anniversaries are never easy for me, this one sucks the most out of the three though because I also found out I was pregnant with Leo on the same date a year afterwards. We would have found out about Ambrose that day too but I forgot to do the test. The 19th is Ella's birthday, 21st is Mark's parents wedding anniversary since it's the first one without her, I am no doubt going to be told we have to go and visit and make sure he's ok. He doesn't really seem all that bothered about her being gone, he's even been back to work since Monday. If that was me (which I know it isn't because heck I feel hurt by her dying) there is not a chance in hell that I would be back at work 8 days after my partner died. She was his wife of 35 (I think) years, I would be utterly devastated while he just seems like his son to me, completely unfeeling and acting normally. The 23rd is Ella's birthday party (which I am pissed that I can't go to because of their being balloons decorating the hall) I guess Lukas going to a party without me, and the likelihood of anyone taking photos being about as good as a snowball in hell might have something to do with it to. Somewhere in the middle of that chaos is half term a whole week of having Lukas to entertain sounds like bliss to me until you account for the fact that Mark will probably still have not gone back to work. Lukas on his own fantastic, Mark on his own not much an issue. Both of them together, stuck in the house for a whole week, let's just say that I wonder if that's how they are going to torture me when I die and go to hell? They fight, they bicker, they make me want to kill them both or bang their heads together at least. You should have seen them this evening winding each other up. So you see February is a very bad month. I am very frustrated and pissed off about everything at the moment and I just needed somewhere to vent off some of it. But I think that it just sums it all up doesn't it, in this crap filled month that happens to fall in a leap year so there is even one extra day to fill with crap of some form or another. *sigh* I don't mean to be so bitter and resentful I really don't I am just hurting (physically, mentally and emotionally) I am finding it hard to cope with everything. I feel really overwhelmed with everything this month. I guess that when it rains it pours doesn't it, but I just wonder if it's ever going to let up. I just need a break even one month without drama or some kind would be enough to just give me the hope I am searching for, even a week would do or even just a day, hell right now I would settle for there being just an hour of peace. I guess the biggest issue I have is with how many people we have lost, each one has taken a part of me with them and I am starting to feel like there is soon going to be nothing left of me. I miss them and I just feel like they are all together and I am just here alone. I know I am not alone, but I still feel as though I am, because no-one understands me or what it's like to be me. I have a husband who has the emotional capacity of a flea, he doesn't seem to feel anything. I have Nan, who is always saying how ill she feels but never stopping to consider that maybe she's not the only one in pain. If I tell her I don't feel well, she starts off on her usual rant about how she feels. I am not saying she doesn't feel ill, I am just saying that maybe sometimes it would nice to just have a little sympathy or maybe just a listening ear rather than it feeling like I am being dismissed because she thinks she's obviously more ill than I am, she's obviously in more pain than I am. I can't say anything without her trying to outdo me. For example if I say the words, "my hands hurt" her reply lasts an hour or so with her telling me about every cut on her hand, her arthritis etc and I get tired of it. If I keep my mouth shut and don't say anything about how I feel then I get a different lecture, up all night in pain and trying to catch up on my sleep earns me yet another lecture. Then there's Lukas who doesn't understand why mummy looks like she's about to pass out after a session of chugga chugga choo choo (he gets on my back and I have to run around making dumb noises woowoo chugga chugga choo choo). This chest infection is already leaving it hard to breathe at times, I don't have much energy at the best of times, but this is really taking it out of me. That kid is also bloody heavy, even if I was fit and healthy (which I am definately not lol) it hurts me to lift him. All he wants to do is play with his mummy, and act like a bit of a loon. I hate to disappoint him so I try and play and then I suffer for it. I just can't win. I love them all I really really do. I am just fed up today I guess yet another valentines day not being acknowledged has sent me a little loopy. I feel so unappreciated and unloved right now. I don't really think it is a big deal to want a card, just a card from your husband. I don't think it's a lot to want to just be told that you are loved and that to someone you are special and you have meaning and value. But what do I know maybe that is a lot to ask.

Ella's Birthday Invitations

I offered to make Ella's birthday party invites and I am so proud of how they turned out. Just ignore the slight distortion I have no idea why blogger sometimes does that and other times doesn't. The picture was one image, and after some extracting, flipping and quite a bit of layer masking and blending it finally looked right. I'm biased but I think it rocks lol.
Credits: Layered template by Bree Clarkson (Shout It Out Templates 1 edited), Birthday Girl and Birthday Girl Alpha by Kate Hadfield and Fresh and Funky Collection:Becca by Victoria Feemster and Faith True. Font is DJB Erika by Darcy Baldwin.

Enabling: You can pick up the Shout It Out Templates 1 by Bree Clarkson here but the other items are now retired sorry.

I also made this one last night, they really couldn't be more different could they lol. One looks like it's been beaten with a Barbie doll lol and the other is very masculine and kind of moody looking. I prefer the second one, I am really not a pink kind of girl. As Lukas says "Pink Stinks!" but sometimes it's fun to get girly, even better when you finally use some of the girly stuff that you couldn't help yourself from buying. Flowers and glitter are a lot prettier than dirt and grunge. Pretty is good it's just pink I don't like lol.
Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (ANGIE'licious template 3) and I Just Love Him by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Font is DJB Writes A Lot by Darcy Baldwin.

Enabling: ANGIE'licious Templates by Chrissy W available here and I Just Love Him by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here.

2 new layouts

I am not very good about uploading my layouts as I do them at the moment, I end up writing a credits list and posting them the next day or a few days later. The first one was one I did the other day.
Credits: Layered Template by Kelly Shults (Collection 2, template B), Midnight Butterflies and Old Edges frames by Heather Manning, Font is DJB Lorraine Bold.

Enabling: Template Collection 2 by Kelly Shults available here, Midnight Butterflies and Old Edges Frames by Heather Manning available here and here.

This one was created for the 2nd challenge on Mrs Wresh's blog.
Credits:Layered template by Mrs Wresh (Template 1), Layered titles - childhood by Robin Carlton and Summer Breeze by Heather Manning. Font is DJB Stacy by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: You are the one who is always up to something. You are the one with a great imagination. You are the one who happily amuses yourself. You are the one who loves teddy bears. You are the one who says “Pink stinks”. You are the one who licks my face and blows raspberries at me. You are the one who always wants “huggles”. You are the one who can make me smile when I feel sad. You are the one who melts my heart with the words “I Love You”. You are the one who will always be doing something that I will never want to forget. You are my biggest reason for scrapbooking, Lukas you are my inspiration.

Enabling: Summer Breeze by Heather Manning available here. The template is currently available for free on Mrs Wresh's blog here and the Layered titles - Childhood by Robin Carlton are currently a free gift when you buy this.

Photographs of me

no time for rambling today, I have a list of stuff a mile long to get done today and I feel really yucky, so trying to get done what I can before I run out of energy completely. Just sharing my latest layout, not done for a CT or a challenge just because I felt like it (and because I needed to start off my gallery at NDISB so we can sign up for the 3rd ADSR race). Credits: Layered template by Cindy Irvine (Dress In Layers) and Magical Mystery Tour contributions by Cindy Irvine, Anita Stergiou and Amanda Stevens, ScrapApple week 12 by Sue Cummings and Make Me Gorgeous action by Lauren Barden. Font is DJB Lorraine Bold by Darcy Baldwin.

Enabling: Magical Mystery Tour available here, ScrapApple Week 12 by Sue Cummings available here, Make me gorgeous action by Lauren Barden available here. I can't seem to find Dress In Layers at NDISB anymore sorry.
I'll be back later if I manage to get anything else done to share xx

New Sketchabilities layout

This one was created for the new Sketchabilites challenge with Hetty DeBoer at Divine Digital.
Credits: Layered template by Hetty DeBoer (Sketchabilities 2008 06), 4 The Boyz 3 Exploring Alden's World and Gettin Grunged Overlays 08 (Overlay 6) by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Fonts are DJB MandyK2 and DJB My Own Outline by Darcy Baldwin.

Enabling: 4 The Boyz 3 Exploring Alden's World and Gettin Grunged Overlays 08 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and here. If you like the fonts by Darcy Baldwin you can grab them here and here
Layered template by Hetty DeBoer is for the curent Sketchabilites challenge you can find all the details and download link here.

A new layout

Layout share first and then some updates. This was created for the I Can Scraplift That Week 6 Feb.05-Feb.12 Challenge at Scrapbook Graphics.
A Scraplift of Stairway to heaven mix by Monije found here
Credits:Dirt Don't Hurt Neutrals and Come What May Contribution by Heather Manning, Scrap Girls Tools Stitching 4901 action and brushes by Shalae Tippetts and Gettin Edgey 02 Overlays by Royanna Lea Fritschmann (overlay 2). Font is DJB KEELYB by Darcy Baldwin.

Enabling: Dirt Don't Hurt Neutrals by Heather Manning available here, Come What May Collaboration by Purple Paper Flowers Designers available here, Scrap Girls Tools Stitching 4901 action and brushes by Shalae Tippetts available here and Gettin Edgey 02 Overlays by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here.

Ok updates, we have a date for the funeral, it's going to be next friday at 10:30am. She's going to be cremated and we are having the wake where we had our wedding reception (and various other family gatherings since Nan works there and almost all of the bar staff are family members the ones that aren't family are very good friends). It's looking like there will be a lot of people coming. Mark says his dad seems to be holding up ok, he wants to go back to work because he's not used to being home all day. We are just going to keep a close eye on him and make sure that he's ok. Mark seems to be coping fine no different to his normal self. As for me if you exclude the few nightmares I have had, and the few times that my mind has got mixed up (mark really looks like his mum, especially when he is asleep, even more because of the shaved hair) I have woken up a few times and panicked thinking I was laying next to a dead body. It passes but it's not easy especially when combined with being ill, running a temperature and not sleeping very well. I know that this will pass but it makes everything so much harder right now. Sometimes I just wish I didn't have this well of sadness and experience with death to draw from, the problem is the more
experience you have the easier you think it should be the next time around but because every loss feels different you can never really learn to cope.

Another Valentine for Mark

I haven't decided which one I want to use yet, I might give him more than one. I like making cards, I'm just trying to stay busy so I can go to bed a bit later and hopefully get a full nights sleep.
Credits:LOVE, Jessica Card Templates by Chrissy W, True, Path To My Heart Freebie and Studio Styles 4 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Fonts are Punkyrara1 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and DJB Jennifer Script 1 by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads:Roses are red violets are blue, I am so lucky to be married to you. You hold me you love me, you ease my pain, even if there are times when you drive me insane. I could never go a single day without you in my life. That’s why I’m lucky that I am your wife.In sickness and health until death do we part, i’ll love you forever with every bit of my heart

Enabling: LOVE, Jessica Card Templates by Chrissy W available here, True, Path To My Heart Freebie and Studio Styles 4 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here, here and here. Punkyrara1 Font by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and DJB Jennifer Script 1 by Darcy Baldwin available here.

There just aren't the words yet

I think everyone who actually reads my blog is already aware that Mark's mum passed away on Sunday Morning. I know that at some point I will end up writing the post that I started and just didn't have the words to finish. The problem is that I know I have called her things like the monster in law on here, I know she wound me up but I did love her. I didn't like her very much a lot of the time but I always loved her. When we were living at her house I got really close to her and there were a lot of times where I felt like she thought of me as her daughter. It's hard to explain even to myself exactly how our relationship worked. I guess the best way to describe it would be I thought of her like I think of Nan you have all seen how sometimes she drives me completely insane but I was worried about her when she wasn't here and I missed her a lot. I am going to miss Mark's mum and I regret that we never got around to resolving some of the issues that had come up between us. Lukas says she's gone to heaven top look after Leo. I think we did too much of a good job talking up how great heaven was in a bid to make him feel less sad about Leo. He's not sad that she's dead, as far as he is concerned she's lucky because she gets to be with Leo. I tried explaining that it was sad because she was leaving people she loved, and people who loved her behind and that we were going to miss her and his reply was that people don't feel sad or hurt in heaven. It makes things difficult for a lot of reasons. It seems really inappropriate that he's not sad at all I am scared people will think I have said horrible things about her to him (I have said horrible things but never aloud, I either think them or rant about them on here). I am also scared that people will think he didn't love her, because he did but he just doesn't understand why he didn't see her very often, how do you explain to a five year old something you don't understand yourself? The words are escaping me today, everything is still pretty numb in terms of feelings, my emotions are all jumbled up and confusing I kind of feel like everything I feel has been chucked into a blender and it's just this great mess of confusion and hurt. All of Mark's family seem to think I am some sort of expert on the subject of funerals, finances and dealing with loss. But everything was so different with Leo and Gaiebraille's funerals. I am trying my hardest to juggle everything but the emotion, the sheer amount of stuff that needs to be sorted out is just so daunting right now. It doesn't help matters that I am ill on top of the usual medical issues and I am sleeping worse than usual. I have been waking up at 3am and not being able to get back to sleep, for the last two days I have fallen asleep at around 7pm without bothering to eat, get undressed or anything I just can't physically stay awake any longer, and I can't sleep any longer either so I seem to be just going through the motions of getting up looking after Lukas etc in a kind of haze. Mark is being very mark about it all, he doesn't seem upset nothing seems to shake emotion into him. But I know that he adored his mum, everyone deals with it in different ways. I guess I should be greatful he is not a hysterical wreck because I don't have the energy to cope with that right now. I keep encouraging him to let out his emotions and telling him that I am here if he needs me. I went with him to school this morning because I thought he might not want to face everyone on his own just yet. I could tell he was really greatful I offered but he would never have asked for my help. Sometimes I long to just shake him or slap him to make him feel something, he used to be more emotional than this. I remember how he cried when we lost Gaiebraille, but somewhere along the way the emotion just seemed to vanish from him. I guess that's just another one of the side effects of everything we have been through, I am an emotional wreck and he's about as emotional as the tin man. He just doesn't seem to feel anything. I guess the emotion was too painful so he shut all his feelings out and seems to have lost the key to unlock them again. Maybe one day we will finally find a way to find some medium where we are in control of our emotions instead of the other way around, where he doesn't resort to not feeling anything and I don't feel so overwhelmed by all the different emotions I am feeling constantly. Anyway one of the things bothering me is the thought of letting all of my creative teams down. I feel like there is a part of me missing if I don't create so while all of them are very understanding about the situation I am trying to at least do something for them. It makes me feel useful and creating things is really calming, it's always been good for helping with the depression. The irony is I have gone full circle with it. I started scrapping to try and relieve some of the emotions that were smothering me after Leo died, the reason for scrapping changed along the way I started creating layouts because I enjoyed the process, I enjoyed the end result, it was more about making something beautiful than making something meaningful. It was just as important but the motivation changed. I scrapped pictures of Lukas to make myself happy, I scrapped about things he had said or done to remember them, I stopped creating the journalling filled layouts full of emotion and pain but I can see that those will be making a return in the future. There are layouts I need to do about Mark's mum and there are still a lot of things I have to deal with about Leo, Gaiebraille and Ambrose. I am still trying to find a balance between the two types of layout. I started this one last night when I couldn't sleep, it seemed a better use of time than watching info-mercials about holidays in Cyprus or tools for bricklaying lol. I couldn't face trying to concentrate on a challenge, so I just started creating a layout purely for creative team promotional purposes. I made a gift for Ruby using the pictures I took of her when she came to visit. It was really comforting to find that I could still find some pleasure even if for the briefest of times in something. It brought me some temporary inner peace.
I feel more ready to cope with today now, sure I am still exhausted and I am in pain, it's hard to breathe because of the chest infection I have, it hurts to sit here because of the pain in my back from the urine infection that's probably going to end up being another kidney infection but I don't feel as overwhelmed today as I did yesterday and the day before. Sorry this is turning into a book, I will shut up now and share the layout I made since that was the reason for posting in the first place lol.
Credits: Layered template (set 2, template 3) and Dirt Don't Hurt It's A Pink Thang by Heather Manning. Font is DJB Lorraine Bold by Darcy Baldwin.

Enabling: I couldn't find the templates for sale anywhere I had them on my hard drive already, but Dirt Don't Hurt It's A Pink Thang by Heather Manning available here.

Who says I can't multi-task?

This layout started out being for the 1st blog challenge on Mrs Wresh's blog, then I noticed that the direction I was taking it in made it perfect for this weeks Digi-Dare (Dare 73) and then I found the most perfect font for the journalling when I was browsing the new font challenge at Digi Scrap Shak. I have linked them all up for you if you want to take a peek or have a go at them yourself.

Credits: Layered template by Mrs Wresh (Template 26), Heart Glitter Doodles, Con Amor and Bead Happy Glitzy Glam by Heather Manning. Font is Rickles.

Journalling reads: There are so many reasons why you are more like a member of the family than just a piece of electrical equipment. Without you I would have no way to talk to other people. I would feel so much more alone than I do now. I would have no way to find the answers to questions I have. I would have no way to express the emotions that often threaten to overwhelm me. I’d have to actually go outside to fill my desire to shop. Sure there are times when you drive me insane. You do things I don’t understand, you don’t cooperate and I end up resorting to shouting at you. But I put up with that part, just like I do with people I love because I would be completely lost without you.

Enabling: Heart Glitter Doodles, Con Amor and Bead Happy Glitzy Glam by Heather Manning available here, here and here. The template was a former freebie on Mrs Wresh's Blog

I have some other stuff to tell you but since it's 6:15am and I haven't made it to bed yet I suppose I better do that first lol.

My Fives Prompt 22

I got really behind on these, I will eventually get them all done though that's a promise to myself. If you don't know what these are I am sure I have explained it before but I can't be bothered to go and look for it. My Fives was a challenge by Laura White (Princesslala) basically she has a collection of 50 journalling prompts the idea was to answer the prompt with 5 things for example the first prompt was what are the 5 best colours in the crayon box? You basically choose your 5 favourite colours and scrap a page about it. Prompts were posted 3 times a week and the finished project is supposed to be a mini album, a kind of mini book of me. The prompts are still up here at Divine if you want to take a look and do any of them yourself. Anyway this one was about the 5 things you like best about Fridays. Personally Fridays are not my favourite day of the week but I found 5 things I really like about them. The TV one could have been more specific and mentioned that one of the shows happened to be Friday Night Smackdown (yes more wrestling lol). But anyway here is the layout I might not be around much tomorrow since my little guy is sick (literally) he threw up for over half an hour earlier without stopping he's currently sprawled across almost my entire double bed fast asleep. I am sitting in my desk chair I don't like to sleep when he's ill. I like to watch over him, my overprotective side comes out when he is ill. I get all weird and am honestly no good to anyone until he's better. Guess Leo left a longer lasting impact than we thought. Lukas is my entire world if anything was to happen to him I wouldn't be able to cope it's really that simple. So I watch him and I do it with the knowledge that when it comes down to it I couldn't really prevent anything happening anyway I couldn't with Leo, I just have to watch and wait. *sigh* it makes me feel helpless and miserable. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Lukas will be back to his normal self tomorrow. I would willingly have the little horror that emptied an entire black sack of rubbish over the floor earlier rather than this poorly little guy. (before you ask yes they are one and the same lol). He was alright when he came home from school he had his dinner and then started saying he had a headache and his tummy hurt. I honestly thought it was from running around like a loon and making a pest of himself. Then he threw up and now not even water is staying down he starts coughing and everything comes back up. If he doesn't start coughing he's alright, he's asleep now and he looks so peaceful I just want to reach out and touch him and make sure he's ok but I don't want to disturb him. I can see that he's ok but somehow it's more reassuring to touch him and check but I am trying really hard not to be such a neurotic freak when he is ill but I can't help it. Anyway this was only supposed to be a short post and it's turning into a book lol. What am I like lol. Anyway here's the layout that prompted this post in the first place lol.
Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (LOVE, Jessica Cards Template 4),
Swirly Doodles and Doodle Fives by Laura White (Princesslala) and Dirty Stars Paper Pack, The Notes Paper Pack and All Bent Up Flower Frames by Heather Manning. Notepaper placement inspired by Picture Mask from Note2Self by Laura White (Princesslala). Fonts are 2Peas Dear Diary and Oh {Photo} Shoot!

Enabling: Swirly Doodles, and Doodle Fives by Laura White available here, and here, Dirty Stars Paper Pack, The Notes Paper Pack and all Bent Up Flower Frames by Heather Manning available here, here and here. Note2Self isn't in the store anymore sorry, and the LOVE, Jessica Card Templates by Chrissy W are a new set that's not up in the store yet I will add the link as soon as it is up.

Sharing a new card

Credits: Layered template (LOVE, Jessica Cards Template 3) and She's Come Unglued Peeling Alpha Pink by Chrissy W and Born To Love by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.

Enabling: Born to Love by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here, She's Come Unglued Peeling Alpha Pink by Chrissy W available here. The LOVE, Jessica Card Templates aren't up in the store yet I will update the post when Chrissy has uploaded them.

My 1st layout for February

A combination of Heather's latest kit and Chrissy's latest template challenge at Digital Candy. See multitasking makes me happy lol and I am just about to start on layout number 2. Wonder if that will get finished today?
Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (Forum Challenge 4 Template), Doodled Paper Dandelions by Kate Hadfield, Studio Styles 5 and Label Brushes by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Con_Amor by Heather Manning.
Black and White pop Lightroom Presets by Traci Reed (Pop Starr Black and White Pop 2) Fonts are JPaige_Crystal by Jeanelle Paige (my handwriting) and Myriad Pro.

Enabling: Doodled Paper Dandelions by Kate Hadfield available here, Studio Styles 5 and Label Brushes by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and here, Con_Amor by Heather Manning available here and Black and White Pop Pop Starrs Lightroom Presets by Traci Reed available here. You can find all the details about Chrissy's template challenge and post to let her know you would like to take part here and if you want to buy my handwriting font you can do that right here.

Where the heck did January go?

It doesn't seem like Christmas was over a month ago. But then I believe I was sat here on my anniversary saying the exact same thing wasn't I only I was wondering where a whole year had vanished to lol. I have a reason to really like February this month I have another Guest CT spot, this time with Heather Manning. Maybe her designs will help coax back my motivation. I like doing guest spots because I get a chance to meet new people and play with new products. I never apply for anybody's team that I wouldn't buy from so getting the products for free is a real plus as well. Not that I really need any more digi stash lol. But I do need the kick up the butt to actually use it. You may have noticed I have changed the blog colours around a bit, I thought the Spring colours would be more cheerful I intend on redoing the whole blog at some point with different colours so if it looks a bit strange for a while that's why. As you can see from the right sidebar I added some CT blinkies, they are linked to the stores. I found out how to do that on a post at Digishop Talk. I might change all the links on that side if I can be bothered lol. I like the look but the HTML is so confusing to me. I was very glad that I remembered to copy and paste what was there originally to the notepad before I started. I had to redo it a few times before it was right lol. I now have an even greater respect for people who do web design work. Looking at that code day in day out would drive me batty lol. I'll be back later hopefully with a layout or 2 (what, I can dream can't I lol).

Wow talk about slow scrapper lol

I started this layout 2 days ago, I finished it last night an I have just gotten around to uploading it. It's not even a really complicated layout and I am furious with myself that I have spent so long doing it and I am still not happy with it lol. My creativity seems to be on extended leave and I miss it. I miss being able to sit and actually make layouts. The frustrating part is it's not really inspiration that's missing. I have ideas, and I have a massive to do list I am trying to work through. What I am lacking is the energy or the motivation to actually do them. Mark did make a doctors appointment today though for Tuesday morning. Maybe they will be able to help at the very least they might be able to make some suggestions of how to fix something. I would be happy with them just fixing one of the problems at the moment. Right now I would be happy for them to just reissue the presciptions I have on file so at least I would stop rubbing my eyes and making them even drier and more painful than they were to start with lol. Anyway onto the layout. I have some really cute (in my opinion anyway) photos of Lukas. Just random snapshots taken for no reason other than to play with the camera. I find them really hard to scrap because they don't really have a story they are just Lukas being Lukas. I am liking the rectangle size a lot more than the square at the moment because at least then they can be used for Lukas's book

Credits: 4 The Boyz 4 SEBS Dream by Royanna Lea Fritschmann, Layered template by Trish Jones (Letter Blueprints Set 7 Template 3) and Add It Up Wordart by Audrey Neal. Font is DJB Teacher by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: Whenever I get out the camera, I usually get you either being silly, poking out your tongue, fidgeting, squirming and generally being a pest or I get you being a grump and refusing to cooperate. But sometimes even I get photographs like this one, where your eyes are shining so brightly. In these photos you really are just 2 Cute 4 Words.

Enabling: 4 The Boyz 4 SEBS Dream by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and Add It Up Wordart by Audrey Neal available here. The template set by Trish Jones isn't currently available anywhere I got it from her closing down sale at Scrapbook Graphics.

So uninspired.

I just can't seem to find any motivation to do anything lately. I have lots of great templates to work with (Thanks Chrissy) and tonnes of amazing kits (Thanks Royanna) but somehow I seem to have misplaced the ability to put the two together to make layouts with. I open Photoshop and I stare at a blank screen or a blank template or a kit for a while. I organize some stuff in ACDSee, I go back and stare at the screen for a bit longer. After a few hours I either get bored and close the program all together or I just walk away and leave it all there mocking me, waiting for the inspiration to suddenly whack me around the head and say put this paper here, and that paper there, add that embellishment just there and use this photo and that font to finish it off.It's not just scrapping either I feel like this about everything lately. I look at clothes and I have no desire to wear this top or that pair of trousers. I either just put on whatever happens to be at the top of the towering pile waiting for me to find a place to put it, or I don't bother getting dressed at all. Let's just say I am very glad that 99% of the clothes I wear to bed were intended to be normal clothes anyway. Long dresses are my friend lol. I put programs on the television and just end up staring into space while they play in the background. I can't even be bothered to take photographs lately. I know that I have been ill for the last week and that I have spent a lot of time either sleeping, trying to sleep, taking painkillers or just being driven insane by the pain. But I should be used to being ill by now. I just feel so fed up with everything and I can't think of any reason for feeling like this. I hate feeling like this. *sigh* maybe it's just January blues.

Hail to the mummy porn!!!!

The winner of the Royal Rumble, the man who is hopefully going to kick Randy Orton into a bloodied pulp of a man, Mr John Cena. Otherwise known as the mummy porn lol. Lukas has his poster up in his bedroom and I want to steal it for over my desk, there's just something about a man with rippling muscles who can beat the living crap out of people that rings my bell. If you don't know who he is just admire those rippling muscles while I explain. Ever since I was a little girl I have been into wrestling, I was raised in a family of wrestling nuts. Heck nan even got thrown out from wrestling matches on more than one occasion. We used to collect videos of it and when I was growing up I remember how we always used to be waiting for the next pay per view event, we used to pay friends to tape it for us and then go straight and buy the videos. As it's painfully obvious I really love wrestling. Well my favourite wrestler is him, I think he's hot, he's half naked and he's inflicting pain on other men and to me that's heavenly lol. He got injured a while back and I have been missing my weekly dose of Mummy Porn. Now he's back and Monday nights can go back to being my favourite of the week again, because that's when I can see John Cena on RAW. Now Randy Orton on the other hand is an egotistical prat, who is currently holding the WWE Title. He won it from John Cena after he inflicted the injury that has kept John Cena out, that was after he assaulted John Cena's father for no reason other than the fact that he could. I have been waiting to see Randy Orton get what's coming to him. I want to see that smug smile beaten off his face, and what could be better than seeing it done by that gorgeous hunk of a man, with his rippling muscles. Swoon!!!

Just a layout share for now

I will be back with a proper post later. This one was for the Double Trouble Sketch Challenge with Amy Bleser at Digital Freebies. Twice monthly (1st and 16th) a new template is posted, all you need to do is download the template, scrap a layout using it and post to the gallery then place a link in the thread letting her know you have taken part.
Credits: Layered template by Amy Bleser (Jan2DF Template) and Rock Candy Valentine by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.Fonts are VTKS BEAUTY,Sliced Juice, Shelley-VolanteScript and 101! StaR StuDDeD.

Enabling: Rock Candy Valentine by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here. The Template is for the 16-31st January Template Challenge all the details can be found here. If you are interested in the fonts you can get them here VTKS Beauty, Sliced Juice and 101! Star Studded you can click on their names to be taken to dafont to download them. As for other one Shelley-VolanteScript, I can't remember where I got it from sorry.

Computers are evil!!!!!

They really are, every time I make a layout that I am actually proud of something goes wrong. Either it doesn't save right or the computer randomly shuts down, we need to reformat the machine and it gets lost or something else computer related. But I suppose if I could make that one layout that I can print out and keep for me where's the motivation to carry on scrapping trying to make it lol. It's depressing though if your wondering what prompted this I started a layout about 4am this morning, I worked hard on it and I really really liked it. Then I was just about to save it as a work in progress file at about 9am and poof the computer just closed down for no apparent reason, no warning, nothing. It was going to be a gift for Mark for Valentines Day and I really don't think I can recreate it. *sigh* oh well nothing I can do about it now. I suppose I could try and recreate it tomorrow. But I know it won't be the same.

A new challenge layout

But i'll get to that in a minute. I forgot to mention this before Nan has gone away on holiday with Lisa, Gary and the kids. They have taken her to Gibraltar, Nan used to live there and when we were little she took us quite a few times. I have been really looking forward to her going because I have been so fed up with the nagging and moaning. I need a break from Nan because she really has become too much to put up with. But I stayed up until she left at around 3am this morning so I could say goodbye to her. I have a confession to make though, I am missing her already lol. I have spent ages waiting and looking forward to the peace that will be in the house and now I miss her. I know I moan about her but I really do love her and I would be lost without her. I hope she has a nice break and comes back a bit more cheerful and relaxed but I am going to worry about her while she is not here. I can't help it if I am a bizarre creature can I lol. Anyway onto the challenge layout. As you have probably gathered by now I have a bit *snigger* of an addiction to layered templates. I make almost every layout using one. You may also remember that I posted about wanting to try more scrapping challenges this year, I want to be inspired and scrap more. Template challenges have and probably always will be my favourite kind of challenges. This one is for the Sketchabilities with Hetty DeBoer at Divine Digital. Each week she posts a sketch or layered template, all you have to do is scrap a layout using it and post to the gallery. Couldn't be simpler really could it. So why do I usually never manage to get around to doing it lol. This week I have managed to create a layout and I am quite pleased with it lol.
Credits: Layered template by Hetty DeBoer (2008_04 Template) and 4 The Boyz 7: Soda POP N' Bubbles by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Font is AL Cleanliness.

Enabling: 4 The Boyz 7: Soda POP N' Bubbles by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and this week layered template can be downloaded here

Two in one day?

guess the boy's photos are more inspiring than ones I take myself lol.Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (Sample Pack 1 Template 1), Celebrate with a bang by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Big Bad Stencil Alpha Brushes by Gina Miller. Fonts are 2Peas Flower Pot and 2Peas Oatmeal Cookie.

Enabling: Sample Pack 1 Templates by Chrissy W available here, Celebrate with a bang by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and Big Bad Stencil Alpha Brushes by Gina Miller available here.

Finally a new layout

The last few days I have just not been able to get motivated to scrap. I have spent a lot of time opening various templates or kits and then closing them again because I just couldn't be bothered to actually use them, I have done quite a bit of organising in ACDSee though and last night I spent the evening trying to make some space on my main scrap drive. I am even worse at downloading things more than once than I thought lol. I know that my scrapping is kind of crazy because some are rectangle, some are square, some are loud colours, some are pastels. But I honestly can't wrap my head around the concept of a coordinating album it just seems so dull to have everything looking like it's supposed to go together, and I can't work in any sort of order. Sometimes I want to scrap something pink and girly (yes I did say pink!!) because I like to indulge myself with glitter and flowers and sparkly things. Sometimes I like to scrap something that means something like documenting an event or an emotion but mostly I just like to create something. I don't care what the process of scrapping pictures is therapeutic for me, on the days where I don't scrap I am a lot more depressed and moody. I have noticed a lot of people lately promoting the notion of actually printing out your layouts and to me that just doesn't appeal I like making them when they are done, I usually decide that in my opinion they aren't good enough to be printed. But the other day I got a reality check from Lukas he saw me making the shutterbug layout and repeated his usual request of a desire to have a copy printed out (or as he says scanned out since he can never keep scanning and printing straight in his head). I said I would just to get a few minutes peace. I thought I would be able to get away with printing it and putting it in his baby album that he spends a lot of his time looking through, honestly next to the word vain in the dictionary their should be a picture of my little guy he loves to look at photos, especially ones of him. But I am getting away from the point, the picture was the wrong size and rather than resize, reprint etc I decided that the easier option was to use one of the 6x4 leather photo albums I picked up cheap with the intention of printing my wedding photos out for the grandparents. Then I noticed that they had 36 spaces and knew this was not going to end well, he was not going to be content with just one layout of him when he could have a whole book full lol. So I started going through some of the older layouts and found that actually I had quite a few 6x4 layouts. I had made some when I guested on FreestyleMama's CT and some when I had guested for Jennifer Schmitt, there were some that I had done using Royanna's kit just because a smaller layout had seemed to work better at the time. But as I went through them finding fault's and dismissing them for this or for that, I found a few that I thought weren't too bad. Realising that I had now left myself with the job of making another 30 layouts for this book was a really depressing thought. Then Lukas wondered in and asked for this layout or that layout, now he's my boy without a doubt because once he makes his mind up about something there's no chance of changing it. He wanted these layouts and my problems with them were just not valid as far as he was concerned. After we argued over it for a while he said something to me that I will never forget for as long as I live. He said "I like all the layouts you make, because you make them and I love you". That was when it clicked that it doesn't matter what I scrap, it doesn't matter why I scrap it only matters that I do. If sitting here and creating something levels out my mood so I am a better person and a better mummy because I am less miserable or stressed that's a bonus but it's about the process of making the layouts rather than the end result. I need to remember that next time I look at the layout I have spent hours on and wonder why no-one else gives a damn, or I wonder why I spent hours working on something only to get a grunt or a that's nice comment from Mark. It really doesn't matter what anyone thinks about the layouts I create and that includes me, I am doing them for Lukas and he will love them no matter what. Wow that ended up a lot longer than I was intending, oh well here's the layout that I made this morning using some of Lukas's photos he took with the camera.
I have to do another page to go with it containing all of the journalling.
Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (Sample Pack 1 Template 2), Haiven's World and Label Brushes 01 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Sponged Canvas Atomic Cupcake Action. Font is 2Peas Blueberry Pie.

Enabling: Sample Pack 1 Templates by Chrissy W available here, Haiven's World and Label Brushes by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and here.
If you haven't heard Atomic Cupcake is changing their pricing from next month all actions, kits and templates will be available separately instead of as part of the club packages. I have had membership to both the Atomic Club (actions and templates) and the Cupcake Club (kits) from not long after I started scrapping until now, I liked the club pricing but a lot of people were always asking about actions being available separately because they didn't want to purchase a membership just for the few items they didn't have. Doesn't matter which way you run it you can't please everyone. I won't be purchasing the actions separately though because I just don't use them enough to justify the individual cost per action.

Little Shutterbug

This is the first layout of a set I am working on about Lukas's obsession with the camera. I have at least one to do using the pictures he has taken and one about his desire to be in every single picture as well. This was a lot of fun to do but it's took me all day lol I just couldn't seem to find what I wanted to use and ironically what I ended up using is a christmas kit lol. Just shows how versatile digital kits are doesn't it.
Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (I'm No Square 8.5x11 Landscape Template 3), Tis The Season, Time Of My Life and Tweet Baby Alpha by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Photoshape 1 Template by Tracy Blankenship. Font is DJB Lorraine bold by Darcy Baldwin.

Enabling: I'm No Square 8.5x11 Landscape Templates by Chrissy W available here, Tis The Season, Time Of My Life and Tweet Baby Alpha by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here, here and here. DJB Lorraine Bold by Darcy Baldwin was a pay for font I think try Darcy's store at The Digi Chick or her blog and the Photoshape 1 Template by Tracy Blankenship was part of her Toolbox Bonus Freebie she gave away and is no longer available sorry but her blog is always worth a look she often has gorgeous freebies on there and it's a also a really interesting blog to read (well I think so anyway) you could also check out her store at Scrapdish.

Why???

Now before I start rambling away to myself, this post is on an entirely different subject there are no hidden digs at the dh (no the d still isn't for dear lol) I am just ranting away on a completely unrelated subject. If your reading this and you are American you probably won't understand exactly what I am on about but you can follow the main flow I expect if not leave me a comment and I'll try and explain what I am on about. Right now that we have that out of the way we can move right onto this morning's rant. Ok so as you have guessed from the title something has annoyed me and it's not even 7am this day is off to a real good start lol (although I suppose technically the day hasn't started yet since I haven't been to bed yet lol). When Nan went shopping she saw this new Dairy Milk chocolate on special offer knowing that Dairy Milk is my second favourite behind Galaxy (I think it's called Dove in some places) she bought some to cheer me up sweet wasn't she. Thinking that the label double chocolate could only mean good things. Actually I agreed with her thinking anything that's labelled as having double chocolate can't be a bad thing right I mean it's more chocolate. Only it's not, if anything it's more like the most disgusting of all chocolate fillings - Caramel only it's chocolate coloured. Don't get me wrong not all Caramel is disgusting Galazy Caramels are yummy (I got a liking for them when I was pregnant with Leo those and Milky Ways lol) but they are an absolute pain in the bum to find. You only seem to be able to get them in vending machines see there is an advantage to Mark working in a hospital lol. The caramel in the purple quality streets isn't bad either. But anyway I have gone off on a little sidestep again and I am trying to swing back to the original question of why??? Why would you ruin perfectly good chocolate and then falsely advertise it as Double Chocolate. It's bad enough they already have the usual ways of ruining chocolate like fruit and nut yuck, raisins aren't meant to be in chocolate it kind of defeats the purpose doesn't it I mean chocolate isn't supposed to have fruit in it it's supposed to be indulgent and melt in your mouth not melt and leave gooey gross raisins behind lol. Then there's the rest of the range I mean come on Cadbury's what were you thinking with the Turkish Delight bars? If I fancied eating something that was sickly, sweet and tasted midly like perfume there's a perfectly good fruit soap in the bathroom rofl. I tolerate the whole nut but I still think it's better when it's just chocolate because let's be honest the nuts are usually slightly soggy and stale tasting. Now in all fairness they do get it right sometimes, Cadbury also make Bournville which is pretty yummy, Double decker which tastes great from the freezer (yeah another trick I picked up while pregnant but not with Leo), don't like crunchie's very much although they will do if there's nothing better and flake's although they do taste good the crumbling all over the place drives me insane. I would rather have a galaxy ripple any day lol but if I couldn't get that a Twirl is definitely better than a flake. I'm also very partial to Boost's another one that needs to come from the fridge at the very least. Curly Whirly's and Freddie the frog bars are a blast from the past but the ones I miss and swoon have just noticed on the website are being relaunched is Wispas mmmmm. Look I got all wrapped in reminiscing and fantasising about chocolate and I forgot the point of the post, Cadbury's ruined what could have been a perfectly nice way to spend my sleepless night eating chocolate, organising stash and listening to my music the fact that the reason I can't sleep because I am hurting kind of got pushed to the don't bother me I am indulging in chocolate mindset and then when you bite into it and it's not double chocolate it's chocolate with a crappy caramel-ish centre it's disappointing. Oh well guess I will have to go downstairs and raid the Christmas supplies that don't seem to be disappearing in fact I am pretty sure I can hear those Celebrations calling my name and best off all there's Galaxy Caramel minis in there lol. If all else fails there's still selection boxes and various other chocolate substances that I can substitute like that tin of Cadbury's biscuits.

Does a year make a difference?

This time last year I was doing exactly the same thing (well almost) as I am doing right now. I was sat here with my stomach in a knot, feeling sick and wondering if everything was going to be ok. Only this time last year I was doing it while putting my make-up on and drinking Smirnoff ice out of a champange glass. Have I confused you yet? This time last year I was getting ready to get married and in about 3 hours time I would have been walking down the aisle in the registry office and just for the sake of irony I will point out that I was doing it without my bouquet which I had accidentally forgotten in the mad rush trying to get there on time turned into to. While I was getting ready Nan and Mark were trying to clean and decorate the hall after the Burns Night celebration the night before. I'll let you in on a little secret I was miserable on my wedding day I feel utterly alone and abandoned and do you know something that's how I feel today. Mark's at work and last night we had a fight and I asked him to leave. He doesn't trust me and I have done nothing to deserve being mistrusted. He's the one who is always telling lies, he's the one who "borrows" money and things without asking and me well I am the stupid fool who always has faith that things will change. No amount of screaming, shouting, arguing or crying ever changes him he always remains the same old senseless pig who could give a damn that he's breaking your heart by acting like a complete jerk. I spent the night before my wedding staring at the ceiling and wondering why I was actually doing it. I spent last night staring at the ceiling in between sobs wondering why I am still doing it. The answer in the end is really simple I don't want to be alone. If he leaves it won't change the situation between me and my family. They aren't suddenly going to decide to be normal and speak to me again. It's a sad truth really that Mark and Nan are the only family I have and they both break my heart over and over again and it's usually because I get caught in the crossfire between them. The only thing I have in my life that makes it worth living is Lukas. If anything happens to Nan or Mark I will still have him, but he deserves so much better than this wreck of a mummy that he has. So today I have the same choice I had a year ago do I try my hardest to make things work with Mark or do I just turn and walk away? I guess it really doesn't matter which choice I make does it because I will probably be here next year asking the same question of did I make the right choice. I don't know what the right choice is since I seem to get hurt either way. I end it and I hurt because I am alone, I hurt because I feel like a failure and Lukas hurts because he ends up with nothing but me, the waste of space mummy who never has the energy to be the mummy she wants to be. I stay with him and I hurt again because I am living with a man who doesn't trust me, treats me like dirt and doesn't seem to give a damn that he's doing it. The phrase stuck between a rock and a hard place comes to mind right about now. It's times like this when I wish I was more like my mum she doesn't have any feelings and right now that looks like a really nice option, not being able to feel anything. *sigh* but I just can't do it. I am emotional and I always have been guess I can't change anymore than Mark can. I suppose I could always just relive the reception and have enough alcohol to wipe away all the feelings if only for a while lol.

Another layout to share

I guess sleeping most of the day makes me more productive than trying to be awake does lol.
Credits: Snow Princess and Studio Styles 3 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Layered Template by FreestyleMama Creations (Elegant Brag Book Cover Template). Fonts are Scriptina and Swenson.

Enabling: Snow Princess and Studio Styles 3 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and here, Elegant Brag Book by FreestyleMama Creations available here. Fonts are available here and here

Sweetie Pie

It's not often I say that about Ella lol. But she does look kind of sweet in these pictures from my wedding.
Credits: Layered template by FreestyleMama Creations (Elegant Brag Book April Template adapted slightly), Paper Cutters Small Scallops (Scallop Paper Rectangle and Scallop Frame Rectangle) by Chrissy W, Photo Blankets Set 1 (Texture 5) and Photo Blankets 3 (Texture 5) by Traci Reed and Sweetie! by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Pink Glitter Styles by Flergs.

Enabling: Elegant Brag Book by FreestyleMama Creations available here, Paper Cutters Small Scallops available here, Photo Blankets Set 1 and Photo Blankets Set 3 by Traci Reed available here and here and Sweetie! by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here. The Glitter styles were a freebie on Flergs blog and they are no longer available sorry.

Migraines, Allergic Reactions and A New Layout

Lately I am starting to think that all those old horror movies you know the ones where Dracula is made out to be some devilish fiend etc got it all wrong. Poor Dracula wasn't a blood sucking demon he was just a guy who suffered from migraines lol. He didn't want to suck people's blood or kill anyone he just wanted people to leave him the hell alone so he could lay peacefully in the dark. I sympathise with poor old Dracula because these bloody migraines are getting worse and they are driving me batty (see the Dracula reference now lol). There have been times lately where I could have quite cheerfully ripped out someone's throat to get them to shut the hell up. I am used to having headaches constantly, I am used to them being so bad I can't function properly. I have found ways to work around it but well I can cope with headaches I can't cope with these. Especially when things like what happened today happen. This morning when I got up I felt sicker than I have in a while. Mark and Lukas got that who the hell are you and what are you doing in my bed look, they are used to that too they just repeat slowly and repetitively who they are and that they love me until my brain decides to engage itself and remember that the one licking my face that's my 5 year old, and the one trying to touch me up that's my husband. Sometimes that takes a few minutes, sometimes it takes a few hours occasionally that process takes a few days. But anyway I am getting away from the point. This morning not only did I draw a complete blank on who these two guys staring at me were I couldn't move my neck, I was burning up and confusion mixed with pain is never a good combination. We keep some decent painkillers in the cupboard for mornings like these, 2/3 of those a few hours sleep and it usually works itself out I get back to being normally ill lol. This morning the painkillers weren't going to cut it, and we have found that painkillers combined with something to take the temperature down works quicker and is more effective. We keep something in the cupboard for that too they are called Kool 'n' Soothe. They are strips of cooling gel designed to help take sick kids temperature's down. They do exactly the same thing marketed for migraines but at triple the price um no I don't think so. So anyway we've done this many many times before but this morning things didn't exactly go to plan. Mark handed me three of the super kickass migraine painkillers and a drink, so far so good. Opened the window, sorted it so I was vaguely comfortable and then applies a Kool 'n' Soothe thing and goes downstairs. Big mistake! Since we bought these last they have obviously changed something in the way they make them because I had an allergic reaction to them. Now imagine being unable to breathe and knowing why you can't breathe but not being able to left up your neck or having the strength in your arms to rip it off. It was like laying on that operating table with the anaesthetic not working all over again. I couldn't shout because I couldn't breathe, I couldn't fix the problem and I am just very lucky that Mark came upstairs when he did. So today I am thankful for being very very allergic to wasp stings and latex. Bizarre as that sounds they meant we had stuff to hand that would help. I am also very thankful for Mark coming upstairs when he did! He knew straight away what the problem had to be and he took the steps to fix it he even thought to make sure he wiped over where the Kool 'n' Soothe strip had been so there was no residue to cause further problems. Then he left me for the day to sleep it off. I'm not exactly thrilled that he went to work after that but nothing else happened so I guess it's not really a big deal. He did think to leave a drink, the mobile phone with his and nan's number on speed dial and sort out arrangements for Lukas before he went though. So 9/10 hours of sleep later I was feeling a bit better, apart from being completely drained and wiped out. I spent the evening with the main light off and had a bath and then I got the inspiration to create something since the painkillers have worn off and I don't like taking more than one lot a day (don't ask) I was going to be up all night anyway so I thought I may as well be useful. I am thinking it might make a nice anniversary present for Mark's Mum and Dad. The original wedding photo is crappy but I think I made it a bit more presentable. I have to check the date they got married Mark is a bit useless he says they got married in 77 I have a feeling he is wrong but I always save the layered file so it's no big deal to change it. Anyway onto the layout let me know what you think this is another layout that is a bit outside my comfort zone.
Credits: Layered Template (Don't Be Square 8.5x11 Portrait Template 4) and Paper Cutters Large Scallops (Huge Scallop with Holes Paper Rectangle) by Chrissy W, Love Stories Volume 4 Wordart by Sue Jones and Kindred Spirits by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Font is Selfish.

Enabling: Don't Be Square 8.5x11 Portrait Layered Templates and Paper Cutters Large Scallops by Chrissy W available here and here, Kindred Spirits by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here. The wordart came from ScrapQuick before it discontinued selling digital products sorry.

Another layout

using patterned paper, strange I know. But anyway here you take a look and let me know what you think.

Credits: Layered Template by Chrissy W (Forum Challenge 3 Portrait Template), My Love, My Life by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Bloomies by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Lightroom Presets by Traci Reed (Pop Starrs Black and White Pop 2) Photos found online by Yorik (Rio de la Plata from flickr.com) and Stenic (Around the dead sea from fotocommunity.de) and the Mount Everest photo came from Caingram.com no author shown Fonts are Clingy and Century Gothic.

Enabling: My Love, My Life and Bloomies by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and here, Pop Starrs Lightroom Presets by Traci Reed available here. Template by Chrissy is for the newest Template Challenge over at Digital Candy you can find all the details here, just pm Chrissy for the rockin template (in 12x12 and 8.5x11 formats).