ADSR Season 3 Layout 1

The first stop this time around was right here at Digital Scrapbooking Classes.
Challenge: For this first challenge I want us all to get a chance to know each other. However, we are going to do something different than the traditional "All About Me" layout. So here are the instructions for your challenge.
1. Use this sketch/template when creating your layout. Provided in square and rectangle sizes.
2. Use your favorite color on the layout. Try to make at least half of your layout in your favorite color so we can all see what it is.
3. Share with us a picture of your favorite person or animal to scrap about on your layout. I want to know who or what is closest to your heart.
4. Go through your collection of digital elements and pick out one of your favorites. Then use at least three times on your layout. You can use different colors of the same thing, but I want to see three of the same element. For example, if your favorite element is a specific satin ribbon, then use that ribbon three times on your layout. You could use it three times looking exactly the same way or you could alter the color of ribbon to three different colors.
Deadline: Sunday March 2nd Midnight EST.
Prize: $10 Gift Card to the store.

My Take: I chose to use the square version of the template because I couldn't be bothered to resize everything lol. My favourite colours are red and purple but I didn't have any photos that would go with purple. Closest to my heart well that was a bit of a given really wasn't it lol. Everyone knows how much I adore my little guy, I thought it would be fun to play on my love for him and his love for the little red tractor. The last part was the most difficult for me because I don't really have a favourite element, but I do have a fondness for brushes so I went for three of the funky little metal gears and three of the little metal screws included in the kit I chose to use and I used the tire brush three times so hopefully that should cover all the requirements.Credits: Layered template by Christy Haig (ADSR Template Square), Extreme Sk8tr and My Boyz All That Brushes by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Fonts are JPaige_TonyPrint by Jeanelle Paige and DJB PLAIN JAIN and DJB My Own Outline by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: I wish I could understand why you love this little red tractor so very very much, since you got it for your birthday, I have hardly ever seen you off it. You sit on it to watch television, you ride it all around the house and outside, If you don’t want to ride it, you have it tipped upside down, spinning the wheels and examining every little bit to see how it works. You lift up the seat and fill the void with toys. It makes me giggle to see you pushing them around in it, using the tractor like a little pushchair. You have such a great little imagination Lukas.Who would have thought it was possible to get so much pleasure from a little red tractor. I guess we should be very greatful that Nannie Donna telelphoned and asked if she should pick you one up when she saw them reduced to three pounds in Sainsbury’s. I think that little tractor was worth every penny, because seeing you so content isworth more to me than any money in the world. In fact it’s priceless.

Enabling: Extreme Sk8tr and My Boyz All That Brushes by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and here. Fonts were all purchased, I believe Jeanelle's store is now closed, but Darcy's fonts are available in her store at the Digi Chick. You can see the details for the template above.

You make me laugh

I was looking for a photograph that I know I have somewhere of Lukas wearing a pair of bunny rabbit ears, I wanted to use it to scrap with one of my CT assignments this week. But while looking for that I found these, photographs of Lukas playing with an empty plastic bowl, by wearing it as a hat. I remember taking these photos, the camera wasn't working right after we had dropped it on the concrete, and some of the pictures looked awful so I have never scrapped them. I got the idea to fade my favourite one which happened to also be the worst one quality wise into the background so you couldn't see the lines across it and I have to say I am very pleased with the end result. I just realised I never added the date I took the photos to the layout, If I print this for Lukas I will probably add it on there somewhere, so just to stop me forgetting when I actually did take them lol the date was the 22nd July 2006. I am willing to bet that Lukas will love it and demand his own copy, it's got lots of pictures of him on it and it's his favourite colour lol. Anyway suppose I better shut up and get on with showing it to you lol.

Credits: Layered template by Chris Greiser (Peaceful Grace, Swoopin 2 Template 3) and My Boyz All That by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Fonts are 2Peas Sunshine, Renaissance and My Own Topher.

Journalling reads: Lukas you never fail to bring a smile to my face. Your bubbly personality combined with your insane silly streak make you easily the funniest person I have ever met and I am so glad you are in my life. When I took these photos you were messing around with an empty plastic bowl. You were wearing it as a hat and trying really hard to make mummy and daddy wear it as well.. Just one of the reasons I love you so much you make me laugh.

Enabling: My Boyz All That by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here, Peaceful Grace (where the templates come from) is a collaboration between Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Chris Greiser and is available here.

What's my motivation?

that's what actors say isn't it? Well right now I feel like I am attempting to act like a mummy, a wife, a scrapbooker, and various other job titles that get thrown in there. I feel so overwhelmed by all the things on my to-do list I don't know where to start. The procrastinator in me isn't helping, I can hear that little voice telling me that there's no hurry I still have time. But I really don't because I want to spend some time with my little guy this weekend, I want to actually *gasp* go outside of the house. I want to do something fun and take new photographs. If your wondering what I have been up to this week well let's see I spent Monday clearing out my blog reader and making space on my harddrive by deleting some of the crap I have amounted. Let's just say that I managed to get rid of over 12GB of stuff and I haven't really scratched the surface. I spent Monday night sitting up with Lukas because he said he didn't feel well and kept trying to be sick, so I spent yesterday trying to catch up on some sleep before Mark went to work at 4pm. I spent the evening trying to catch up in between trying to sort Lukas out. For some reason he was completely mad last night running around like a loon and giggling all evening until he finally went to sleep at about 11pm last night little monster. I had another really bad allergic reaction last night thanks to the dopey husband. If he'd just left me alone and not been trying to hug me and kiss me when he came home it wouldn't have happened. Basically he kissed me and I had an allergic reaction to latex on his lips. He had done something to the tire on his bike and then smoked a cigarette and tranferred the latex that way. I had a bad reaction on Saturday after Lukas went to Ella's birthday party and played with balloons. All I did was touch the handrails on the stairs that Lukas had touched on his way upstairs. I'm getting really fed up with the latex allergy at the moment, it seems to be getting worse all the time and it's really starting to make lots of things difficult. Better run I have a lot of stuff to do and not very long before my angel *insert sarcasm right about here lol* comes home from school and Mark goes to work.

Me and my teddy

I took these photographs one morning when he was getting ready for school, he was just being silly and crazy and I thought it was cute. But the irony is they are some of the sharpest photos I have ever taken of him. I am slowly getting back into scrapping, I am starting to have a little fun doing it, isn't it amazing what a difference the computer working better makes to creativity.

Credits: Layered template by Hummie (Template 35 Square), Basic Stitches - X Stitch by Jessica Bolton, Scrapbook Essentials Additions Tear BearZ by DeDe Smith and This Boy and Note2Self Alpha by Laura White (Princesslala). Font is DJB MANDYK2 by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: When we saw this teddy bear being sold to raise money for the NSPCC (The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children), you decided that you wanted him. All of the other ones were brown, you wanted a white one, and we were lucky enough to find him buried right at the bottom. Whenever you are at home, he is never far from your side. You cuddle him while you watch T.V. You play with him and talk to him. The poor thing has been thrown up on and peed on when you have been poorly, and you have chewed his ribbon to bits. but a quick trip through the washing machine, (while you are at school obviously), and he looks almost as good as new Sure his fluff has kind of lumped together a bit from all the hugs he gets, and he’s a little bit limp. But he is loved to pieces. It makes me so happy to see how much you love him and how you call him your best friend. I know as long as you have him you will feel safe and happy and be less likely to “borrow” my teddy bear.

Enabling: Basic Stitches - X Stitch by Jessica Bolton available here, Scrapbook Essentials Additions Tear BearZ by DeDe Smith available here and This Boy by Laura White (Princesslala) available here. The Note2Self Alpha is no longer in the store sorry. The template is currently available to download for free here, you can check out the thread for all the details. DJB MANDYK2 by Darcy Baldwin can be found in this font pack at The Digi Chick.

Green Eyed Boy

This layout was inspired solely by the wordart in the kit lol. I remembered I had taken this photo at the Boxing Day Christmas Party, damn I have just realised there is a mistake on it the date should say Boxing Day 2006. Oh well I will correct it if I ever print it out, I can't be bothered to change it and then edit all the gallery uploads. Doesn't really matter to anyone but me does it. I'll bet you money that I end up doing what I have just said I am not going to do. I know that it's going to bug me until I change it later lol.

Credits: Layered template by Hummie (Template 36 square) and Feelin' Lucky by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Font is DJB Lorraine Bold by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads:I was trying to take a photograph of you with Nana, Conor and Ella. Conor was being silly as usual. Nana was looking as uncomfortable as she always does when the camera is pointed at her.Ella was slyly watching you and Conor and trying to work out how she could get Conor into trouble. You, well you were looking at Conor’sNintendo DS, desperately wanting one of yourown. It’s the first time I remember you ever being jealous of anything. You so badly wanted to have a go on it, guess it looked like lots of fun.

Enabling: Feelin' Lucky by Royanna Lea Fritschmann is available here. The template is currently available to download for free here, just check out the thread for all the details, you made need to register first I can't remember, I have been registered there for a while.

I hate this photo so much lol

The original is a photo of me Gavin, Darren and Callum. But I cropped it down to finish this layout. I know there are lots of other photos of me in that hideous combination but it's late and I haven't a clue where they could possibly be lol. This one was created for another of this weeks prompts in the Simply You challenge I talked about in the last post. I may not like the photo very much but those papers are yummy. Royanna has added a lot of new paper packs to the store and since I think papers are often the most important element on a page that makes me very happy lol. I picked up this set and a gorgeous blue set for this weeks CT assignment but there are lots more I want to add to my collection.

Based on a sketch by Chris Greiser (1-photosketch {8})

Credits: Tis The Season Alpha and A Papered Life 08 - I'm Just Plum Dandy Baby by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Font is Pea Meli.

Journalling reads: I hate this photo with a passion because it brings back so many bad memories. That jumper was a Christmas present from my mum. She used to make me wear it every time we went out. It was made of wool that itched really badly and the sleeves and body of it was too short. But that jumper caused nowhere near the amount of trouble that black velvet headband with gold braid caused. I can’t count the number of times I got in trouble and smacked because that thing got “lost” She used to make me wear my hair down with that holding it back. It wasn’t strong enough to hold back my thick hair so it all ended up in my face and annoyed me. I always used to get into trouble when she couldn’t find the things she wanted me to wear. Everything she liked I hated. We had more arguments about my clothes than anything else I can remember. It’s the thing I always remember about my mum - her awful fashion sense!

Enabling: Tis The Season Alpha and A Papered Life 08 - I'm Just Plum Dandy Baby by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and here. Font can be downloaded from this site which is well worth a visit if you happen to be a font junkie or just have a fondness for handwriting fonts.

Simply You Layout 1

I signed up for a new challenge over at Divine Digital, it's called Simply You with with Gina Miller {Simply Homespun Designs}. You can find all the details here if you want to take a look. Each week 5 prompts are posted, you have to create layouts based on at least 2 of the 5 each week, 90% of the products used must be from the Divine Digital boutique. The layouts must be brand new, never posted anywhere else and cannot be made using quick pages. To be honest I am not really interested in the prize for completing the project, I just thought it would be a cool challenge and a great way to inspire my CT work lol. Obviously I have a lot of products from Divine Digital, for a start I own almost Royanna's whole store lol. I am always up for something new, so I have this to work on and the 1st ADSR challenge should be up tomorrow, I am still intending to carry on with Mrs Wresh's Blog challenges and anything else that takes my fancy. I like having something other than my crappy marriage to focus on lol.

Loosely based on a sketch by Chris Greiser (Feb07_sketch3 right).

Credits: Feelin' Lucky and Gettin' Stitched Up 01 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Fonts are DJB Writes A Lot by Darcy Baldwin and Dymo.

Journalling reads: I took this photograph from the window of our old bedroom at Mark’s Parents house. I opened the window and leaned out so I could try and take a photograph. There wasn’t fingerprints or dust on my lens all that blurry/cloudy area that was the rainstorm. It went from a clear sky to this massive downpour in such a short space of time, I wanted to try and capture a photograph of it because I found it utterly amazing. It made me appreciate just how fast things can change, how something dangerous can come from nowhere without warning. I remember feeling in awe of the power that the weather held that day, but more than that I remember feeling relieved that we had a warm dry house to be safe inside until it stopped. I felt sorry for anyone who was caught outside in it and for everyone who didn’t have a home to be safe inside. Who would have thought that something as simple as a rainstorm would be such a huge reminder of how lucky I am and how much I have to be greatful for.

Enabling: Feelin' Lucky and Gettin' Stitched Up 01 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and here. You can pick up the DJB Writes A Lot Font by Darcy Baldwin here, and Dymo can be downloaded here, if you want to see the original sketch you can do that in Chris's gallery here her blog is also well worth a look if sketches are your thing, she sells great templates too.

This was not an easy layout for me

firstly because I had to scrap about God, I know some of you know some of my thoughts on religion and god, put bluntly most of them are not something I would share in a scrapbook page. I also couldn't find wordart I wanted to use, so I made my own. I don't like making wordart for me it's difficult. That's why I buy so much of it lol. But anyway this was created for this weeks Mrs Wresh Blog Challenge. Let me know what you think, i'd appreciate any feedback on this one. Credits: Layered template by Mrs Wresh (Template 48), Stand Up And Scrap by Heather Ann Melzer, Summer Breeze, Summer Breeze Addon and Dirt Don't Hurt It's A Pink Thang Alpha by Heather Manning and Black and White Embellishments (Kiss) by Pillowgirl.Fonts are: DSP Box and DSP Curls and Whirls by Suzanne C Walker, SP Holy Guacamole and SP Double Doodle by Scrap Supply, Hallway Graffiti by Meredith Fenwick, DJB My Own Outline and DJB KeelyB by Darcy Baldwin, Patchwork Letter by Claude and Dymo.

Journalling reads: When I was a little girl I went to a church of England school, religion was an important part of the curriculum. As I got older circumstances made my beliefs change. I no longer believed all the things I had been taught about “God”. I lost any faith I might have had. It took a lot of time but I have finally made some decisions about what “God” is to me. I belive that it is the architect the one who took all that science had to offer and created a world for us to live in. But I believe that like any architect once the project was done, there was no further need for their involvement. They may look at their project and be disappointed with what it has become, but they have no say in it. Some people will look at the finished result and consider it a work of art, but never think about the person who built it. Others look at it in awe of the creator, they study everything they can about them and live their live aspiring to be just like them. I like to believe that when my life is over I will go to heaven with the ones I have loved and lost, and maybe I will get to see the original plans for how “God” expected things to turn out, I bet there were a lot of things that “God” had different plans for. I often wonder whether “God” regrets including free will in the plans, maybe without that they would have had a bit more control. I firmly believe that the only person who can change my life for good or bad is me, because if there was anyway that “God” could intervene they would, because nobody could just sit back and observe other people suffering and hurting.

Enabling: Layered template 48 by Mrs Wresh is included in this set, Stand Up And Scrap by Heather Ann Melzer was part of the stand up and scrap collaboration which is now retired, Summer Breeze, Summer Breeze Addon and Dirt Don't Hurt It's A Pink Thang Alpha by Heather Manning available here, here and here and Black and White Embellishments (Kiss) by Pillowgirl was downloaded here but it is no longer available.
Fonts are: DSP Box and DSP Curls and Whirls by Suzanne C Walker, SP Holy Guacamole by Scrap Supply and SP Double Doodle by Shabby Princess, Hallway Graffiti by Meredith Fenwick is now retired, DJB My Own Outline and DJB KeelyB by Darcy Baldwin, Patchwork Letter by Claude and Dymo.

2 Layouts?

I managed to create and save 2 layouts without them being munched by photoshop, nothing going wrong with the computer or anything else meaning they got lost, Surely that can't be true can it? lol. I have a tiny *snort* addiction to Janet Phillips templates but I don't seem to use them very often, I wish I knew why because they are great templates.

Credits: Layered template by Janet Phillips (Seeing Stars 1, Template 3), Jordan's Sandy Beach and Thanksgiving Wordart by Heather Manning.

Enabling: Seeing Stars 1 by Janet Phillips available here, Jordan's Sandy Beach and Thanksgiving Wordart by Heather Manning available here and here.

Sharing a new layout

I really should think of a more original title shouldn't I lol. But that really is all I am here for right now. If your wondering what prompted another Ruby layout, her christening invitation arrived this morning and it put me in the mood to scrap a girly layout for a change.

Credits: Layered template by Mrs Wresh (Template 41), Katiana's Sun Dress and Los Dichos 3 by Heather Manning. Pink Glitter Styles by Flergs and Font is GoodVibrationsROB.

Enabling: Katiana's Sun Dress and Los Dichos 3 by Heather Manning available here and here. I think the template by Mrs Wresh is no longer available but you could always check her store and see the others she has available.

Post number 500

I just happened to notice as I was about to hit the new post button that this will be post number 500. Wow I ramble more than even I thought lol. So I suppose since this is post number 500 now might be as good a time as any to finally tell you the details of the funeral, to talk about the new level of hell that my marriage has become, maybe I will even spill my guts on a few other things. Ok now where to start? that's been the problem for a while hasn't it there is so much going on I never know where to start with talking about it, I never know which part to actually write about because this blog is no longer therapeutic to write. I don't get the same feeling of release from writing it anymore, because to be honest seeing how things are in black and white for everyone to see makes them more real, more depressing but most of all it makes them hurt more. So how about I start with some pictures of the flowers from the funeral. That should be a lot easier to start with than words. *insert swear word of choice here* because I have just noticed when Mark reinstalled my computer yesterday not only did he forget to back up my ACDSee database (and in doing so lose me hours and hours of work) and forget to back up bookmarks he has forgotten to plug the card reader back in, and since I can't get down on the floor (one because it hurts real bad to bend over right now and two because Lukas happens to be asleep on his bed, on the floor behind me because it's a bit cold in his room at the moment), and pull out the machine to do it the pictures are going to have to wait. *sigh* guess I will just have to take a deep breath start typing won't I, no more excuses or delays. Ok so here goes. I will admit that before the funeral I had a vodka and coke. It wasn't just because I was going to be stuck with people who don't like me very much all day, it was because I wasn't feeling great I had a rotten headache and you know what it's like to deal with people who don't like you at the best of times, there's nothing worse than doing it feeling ill. I will also admit I was still hurt over not being asked to do the order of service and I was mad at Mark for the day before. We were supposed to be going together to the funeral directors, I had been up all night and I laid down for a while. Before I did that I asked Mark not to let me go to sleep, but if I did not to leave me for more than one hour. He left me all day, he went to the funeral directors without me and to be honest I felt like he had taken away my chance to say the things I wanted to say to her, he'd taken away my chance to say goodbye. I know I wrote here that I didn't really want to go but after writing that I had a change of heart. I felt really hurt by what he did, upset that I had wasted Valentines Day sleeping, I was also hurt that he didn't even think to say Happy Valentines Day to me. I made him cards, and never got around to printing them out but he had seen them on the computer anyway so at least he knew I was thinking about him. So Valentines Day was really the prequel to this mess. We were going to a funeral with hardly any money because we had spent so much on flowers, I was worried about everything and I made the choice to take a water bottle with my own vodka in it. Now before anyone condemns me for that I wasn't intending on drinking much of it, I just didn't have anything smaller to put it in. I drink alcohol mixed with a pint of something, coke, orange juice, lemonade, doesn't really matter what I don't like the taste of alcohol, I don't like any expensive alcohol I only like the cheap stuff. I'm strange like that. My brother Gavin and Lisa were working behind the bar, they served me a pint of lemonade, which I added vodka to. After that first one I didn't add vodka to anything else. I feel like I really need to stress that point since it's important that's understood before I go any further. I was hurt when Mark's family gathered for family photographs and I wasn't included, but I said nothing. After they had been taking photos for a good 10 minutes Mark started calling me over, I wasn't interested since I was just an afterthought to him and everyone else in that room, to be honest I was a bit disgusted that they were all happy and laughing posing for family photos at her funeral. I couldn't get why no-one was sad or miserable. After that I got myself in trouble, I was wearing new shoes and on the dance floor in the hall they felt like they were slipping. Not wanting to make an ass of myself by falling over, I decided that the smart thing to do would be to take them off, only I can't bend over because of my stomach hurting (there was also the matter of being worried my boobs might escape lol) so I did what I always do to take shoes off, I lift my foot a little of the ground, give it a little shake, shoe falls to ground and usually Lukas picks them up for me. Only one kind of got stuck on the top of my foot a little and came off by flying slightly into the air and a little way across the floor. Now from where I was stood which wasn't very far from Mark at our table, the shoe was just a little off the floor, and was nowhere near anyone, but this is where the day went to hell. I went upstairs to the toilet and after using the toilet I sat on the chair near the door, simply because I was tired out, I was fed up and I wanted to be away from everyone for a little while. The next thing I knew I was being shouted at by one of Mark's relatives, while 10 other relatives stood and watched. She said that "she wasn't having Fred's (Mark's mum was called Freda) day ruined by some tacky freakshow who wanted to be centre of attention", she followed that up with some bullshit about if you want to be by yourself, you be by yourself, and stop ruining her day. I sat there and the only words I uttered in my own defence were "I haven't done anything" I couldn't understand what I could have possibly done to offend someone I hadn't even spoken to. I had only told a friend of the family that her new baby was adorable, asked Mark's pregnant young cousin about her ultrasound, and the only other people I had uttered words to all day were Joshua (Mark's nephew yes the one I have moaned about lots), Lukas, and I had spoken to my brother while he was serving me. I couldn't help it I burst into tears in the toilets. Then Mark's Aunty Rachel came upstairs and started going on about how I'd had too much to drink, how Mark had to apologise to someone who I nearly hit with the flying shoe and how Mark should take me home. Mark came up and the more I tried to explain why I was crying the more he ignored me. He called a taxi and drove me home still refusing to listen to a word I had to say. I went straight upstairs and cried myself to sleep. He let Nan think that I had got drunk. We spent the whole night arguing I cried a lot, he wouldn't even comprehend that I wasn't the one in the wrong. The next day things got even worse because all of the other details of the day got thrown in. One of Mark's family went through my handbag, and took my bottle of vodka to the bar along with one brand new sealed bottle of water, and one opened bottle of water Lukas had been drinking, demanding that they dispose of it. I found out that the story everyone had been told was I had to be taken home because i'd thrown up in the toilets, after having too much to drink, Lisa had been threatened by the family member who had gone mental at me, she'd told people that she had been tempted to take me outside, that the story about the shoe had gone from the truth to "it was launched down the length of the hall and was almost embedded in someone's head" but much worse than all that I found out that members of Mark's family including his dad had said things like how Mark was scared of me because I beat him. It caused a row in the whole house, I went mad at Nan because she made assumptions based on what Lisa had told her, Lisa had said what she had based on things she had heard from Mark's family, I cried myslef hoarse and I have been pretty much crying ever since. I am hurt that Mark has obviously told lies about me to his family, I admitted on this blog the one time I hit him, I don't batter my husband, I could never hurt him, he's a lot bigger than me and stronger than me for a start. He admitted that he had said I hit him and that he had said I was controlling. I don't have the power to make him do anything as everyone who reads this is aware because if I had power of him he wouldn't drive me so damn crazy would he? He won't speak a single word in my defence, not even just to utter the truth and I know I have said that our marriage was on shaky ground before but right now it is hanging by a thread. I don't know how to forgive him for the lies and the gossip, I don't know how to get past that he wouldn't even listen to my side of the story. I don't understand how even after hearing how the stupid woman had bullied, threatened and exaggerated, he still believed I was in the wrong. I don't understand and I don't know how to forgive that he's not even sorry. If your wondering the woman who we will just refer to as the mouthy troll lol, is related to him she's Mark's Dad's Sister's Daughter In Law. They must get on fabulously because the Aunt is a mouthy nasty bitch as well, the day Mark's mum died I offered to make her a drink when she came to the house, her answer - "Bout time you got off your fat lazy ass and did something". Fueled by the hurt and endless tears I asked Mark for a divorce and he didn't even seem to be bothered. He doesn't seem to fear losing me and Lukas at all. When I ask if that's what he want he alternates between don't know and a very bored sounding no. I am truly at my wits end with it all. I can't help that we are so different, he knows if the situations were reversed I would have stuck up for him no matter what. I never let anyone treat him like that. I love him, I cherish him and I want to protect him. But love doesn't seem to be enough anymore. I can't see past this wall of hurt and tears. I feel like he ripped out my heart and I don't know how to fix it. I don't want to walk away from him, but I don't want to be treated like this either. Things are so tense here at the moment, Nan's mad at him for the way he treated me, she's mad at me for putting up with it, I am mad at myself for not having the strength the walk away, I am mad at him for so many things, even Lukas is mad at Mark because i'm sad, which makes me even more sad. I hate to hear Lukas say things like "I don't like you anymore daddy, you made mummy cry". I try and tell him that it's not ok to say that and then he's confused because as far as he is concerned he isn't doing anything wrong. I have so much to do, so many thoughts rushing around inside my head and no energy to sort any of it out. Just to make things as bad as they could be, I got my period yesterday and it's heavier than it's been since before Lukas was born. I am wiped out physically, mentally and emotionally. I can't sleep, because there's too much going on in my head, I can't even lay in bed because I can't find a comfortable position because I hurt so much. I still can't shake this chest infection or the urine infection, I know I need to make a doctors appointment and try and get it fixed but I just can't find the motivation. Right now I would be content if the only thing that changed was that my body found a temperature and stuck to it, I am sick of being freezing cold one minute and burning up the next. I guess the words aren't gone anymore, and I am sorry for the book that I have written. I don't even have a layout to share with you after having to read all this, because just as I was about to save the one I was working on earlier photoshop munched it. See even a full reinstall can't kill all the computer gremlins. *Sigh* hopefully I will be back later on today or tomorrow with something a bit less depressing.

Another Wind In The Willows layout

Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (ANGIE'licious template 4), Blue Christmas, Old Edges and Clustered Frames by Heather Manning. Font is KGD Tiffany by Kimberly Geswein.

Journalling reads: The Wind In The Willows display was made up of lots of smaller scenes.This
was one of my favourite but I couldn’t find a way to take a single photo of the whole thing and
keep the details. This little guy was standing with a mole, in a little house, they were hanging
Christmas decorations, there were carol singers outside the door, a table laden with food and even a black cat curled up asleep in front of the fireplace.

Enabling: ANGIE'licious templates by Chrissy W available here, Blue Christmas, Old Edges and Clustered Frames by Heather Manning available here, here and here. If your wondering about the font it's retired sorry.

I never thought I would say

scrapping is easier than talking, but right now it is. Just moving papers around on a page until they click into place on a template and look right is a lot simpler right now than finding the words to talk to anyone, either online or in real life. I haven't got much done today except this layout I am feeling really yucky, I am tired out and my heart feels so heavy right now. But before I show you that I have had a few people ask for the story behind the badger layout I showed you yesterday. Honestly there isn't a story behind it, when we went to Milton Keynes and we saw the Wind In The Willows display, I was amazed by the lengths they had gone to and the details they had included. I could have taken a million photos and still not captured all of the tiny details. But I really wanted to remember at least some of the bigger parts of it. I have scrapped a few other photos I took the same day, I know I did one of Mr Toad's Flying Car but I can't seem to find it uploaded on my blog you could always have a look at it here, here or here though, I can't remember what else I have actually gotten around to scrapping from that trip yet. Maybe I will get some more done this week since there is no pressure to add journalling lol.

Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (ANGIE'licious template 2), Little Black Dress Paper and Flashy New Year by Heather Manning. Font is AL Cleanliness.

Enabling: ANGIE'licious template by Chrissy W available here, Little Black Dress Papers and Flashy New Year by Heather Manning available here and here.

Sharing another layout

I made this one for Chrissy's latest template challenge at Digital Candy. I still haven't even scratched the surface of the photos I took of the Wind In The Willows display from when we took Lukas to see Santa at Milton Keynes. I will get to them as I feel like it lol. I suppose it might help matters if I scrapped more than one of them at a time, but I don't do "caught up" scrapping, I just pick a photo that I like, or I pick a kit that I like and somehow they come together as a layout. I'll never ever scrap every photo I have taken and as far as I am concerned that's fine, I think that I have found my balance between scrapping the memories that matter and scrapping just because I enjoy it. I have a wide mixture of "memory" pages and "art" pages.
I might even manage another layout before the wrestling comes on.

Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (Forum Freebie 5) and Icy Sparkles by Heather Manning. Font is AL Eyewitness.

Enabling: Icy Sparkles by Heather Manning is available here and you can donwload the template by leaving Chrissy a post in this thread and she will pm you a link to download it. Then just make a layout and post it to this gallery. Simple and lots of fun.

Now let's get to sharing that layout

I created this for the 3rd challenge on Mrs Wresh's Blog. Credits: Layered template by Mrs Wresh (template 26), Dirty Snow, Wrap Me Baby 1, Old Edges Frames, Blooms 2 and Bringin on the bling alpha all by Heather Manning. Font is DJB Writes a lot by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: I don’t have any family heirlooms or things with massive pricetags. But I do have this, and to me it’s a priceless treasure that I would never want to lose. I entered a baby photography contest at Divine Digital and I was lucky enough to win with a picture of my angel baby Leo. The prize was this one of a kind custom made Crystal bracelet featuring the winning photo. I always wear it whenever I go anywhere that I go where I feel the need to have Leo close to me, I love to look down at it and see his photograph.

Enabling: Wrap Me Baby 1, Old Edges Frames, Blooms 2, Dirty Snow Papers and Bringin' The Bling Alpha by Heather Manning available here, here, here, here and here. I don't think the layered template is available anymore. DJB Writes A Lot Font by Darcy Baldwin is available here.

If I get time to get another one finished while they are watching the Daytona 500 I will be back. But if you haven't seen me by about 1am don't expect to I will be happily curled up watching the mummy porn hopefully beating the living daylights out of that slimebag Randy Orton and more than likely i'll be imagining that it's a certain member of Mark's family he's beating up instead.

No I am not here to tell you about the funeral

we will save that for another day, because to be perfectly blunt I am still really pissed off and hurt by what happened on Friday. I don't like to swear on my blog but there is no other description that sums up how I feel about the whole thing. Some of you may have remembered that today is Gaiebraille's anniversary but to be honest it kind of got lost in the aftermath of the funeral. Yes the funeral was bad enough to make me ignore that, getting a gauge of the scale of how bad it was yet? If that wasn't enough I was really ill last night with an upset stomach. I didn't eat anything at the funeral, and I hardly ate anything yesterday but it didn't matter. I am going to start a new post to show you the layout I have spent a lot of today working on. It's a lot easier to ignore the desire to cry if you are busy. I promise I will try and find the desire to share the details of the funeral later this week, I might manage to find time to upload some photos of the flowers that I ordered from us, mark's brother and his wife and his sister, the ones no-one has bothered to try and arrange payment for yet. I took out a loan for £300 to buy them, they were just over £200 and I have to pay back the original £300 plus the £240 interest, you know the ones no-one even bothered to thank me for ordering. Oh I sound so bitter don't I. *sigh* I just can't help it. I feel bitter, and angry but most of all the whole situation makes me miserable.

Now for something a bit nicer

See I told you if you came back there would be a nice post lol. This one is a just some CT promotion and a layout share. First let's do the promotional stuff, because as you all know I am very very proud of being on the creative teams I am on, but aside from my layout shares I don't really do very much to promote them (which is one of the things CT's are best for). I never remember to post about sales they are having, or challenges they are hosting. Never get around to telling you that they are having CT calls and to be honest it makes me feel a little guilty. Like I am not doing the job I am supposed to be doing. Especially this month, as I have scrapped hardly anything. I lack the motivation to start, the drive to finish and the energy to upload them when they are done. All of them have been really great about it, none of them seem to expect as much from me as I expect from myself. I am very greatful for that but it doesn't help me with the guilt. But I thought posting some of the things they were all up to right now just might.

So I will start with Royanna (Royanna Lea Fritschmann at Divine Digital)
She's having a massive sale, that you really don't want to miss everything is in her boutique is $2! That includes the Commercial use stuff. If that wasn't good enough she's also offering a coupon (that's good until 14th February but I don't know if that means the start of it or the end of so I would spend it now lol) spend $20 and get $10 off your order. So my advice intend on spending $20, add $30 worth of stuff to the cart and then use the coupon, you spend what you intended to and get extra stuff. Some of the kits are over 80% off in this sale that means you make out like a bandit lol. Coupon code is royannalove and you can use it up to 3 times. So after you have stocked up on yummy goodies then what well you could always use them for one of Royanna's challenges lol. If you fancy something ongoing there is the 360 Degrees Of Scrapbooking (there's a freebie in each post for that one) which is jam packed with inspiration.One last thing she's one of the featured designers this month (along with Cyndi Wetmiller - Wetfish Designs and Amanda Coudriet) at Divine Digital that means she's one of the designers that contributed to the free daily download, A Divine Wedding - Happily Ever After. Here's a preview of the Daily Download.

Yes I know it's tiny HTML is not something I have any knowledge of, all I did was post the link from photobucket and I can't see anyway to change it and make it bigger. But if you on click it it will take you to Divine Digital and you can see a full size version.

Now let's talk about Chrissy (Chrissy W at Digital Candy).
Well she has just announced the newest additions to the CT, 6 brand new full time CT members as well as 6 Guests plus the 4 of us that decided to stay for another 3 months. I think that's pretty cool that I will have so many other people to be inspired by, I love to see what other people do with the same thing lol. I have just noticed that she has her entire store on sale for 25% off. If you have been eyeing up any of her templates now is definitely the time to grab them. You still have time to pick up the template for the current template challenge, just leave a post on the thread and Chrissy will send you the link. You will earn 15 Candy Points for taking part, you can read more about those here,The new template challenge starts on Friday, I'll update here when it is up. (edited to add Chrissy has put it up a little early you can see the template and leave her a post telling her you want to play right here

Last but not least Heather (Heather Manning sells at Purple Paper Flowers and her own site Digiscrapping.net)
The new CT blog challenge went live today, I haven't managed to do a layout for it yet (I didn't manage one for the last challenge either see as a guest this month I am pretty useless) but it's a quote challenge.

The ad for that is made with her newest kit Midnight Butterflies, I scrapped the Never Gone layout with it the other day. It's a very yummy kit full of deep purples mixed with a bit of grey. There are some great specials in her own store Glitter Doodle Hearts, Con Amor and Teenage Crush Brushes are currently 30% off and these items which are Commercial Use OK are on sale for 25% off Teenage Crush Brushes Commercial, Wrap Me Baby 1, Wrap Me Baby 2, Make It Easy Overlays - Ratty Tatty Templates, Make It Easy Overlays - Folded and Close It.

I think that's enough CT promotion for today, unless you count this layout as promotion lol. I love how short the credits are for this one lol.
Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (ANGIE'licious Template 1) and I Just Love Her by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Font is DJB Erika by Darcy Baldwin.

Enabling: ANGIE'licious templates by Chrissy W available here and I Just Love Her by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here.

I'm really starting to dislike February

I will give you advanced warning, I will be moaning in this post. If you don't want to hear it either scroll down and look at one of my other posts or go away for a bit and come back a bit later when I have wrote a nicer one lol.
Anyway not that I have got the warning out of the way I will give you one more just because I am strange like that I will not I repeat NOT be apologising for any part in this post, I don't care if it's disrespectful, or wrong to be posted it I am fed up and if I don't vent some of this before friday I might end up telling Mark's family what I really think of them. I really don't want to be my mother's daughter and cause a row at a funeral. So venting on my blog is a much better idea, if you don't like it, well tough!
Now that I have got that part out of the way I will tell you why I hate February. I'll start from today which right now thanks to the time difference is already February 14th, Valentines Day. The day where everyone is supposed to feel special and loved. Most people will be spending their day either in a general state of loved up bliss, some will be spending it being showered with tokens of affection and some may even be doing things like going out for the evening with the one(s) that they love best. Want to know what I will be doing? I will be going out with my husband (who by the way hasn't even bought me a card as usual) to visit the funeral directors to see his mother. Sorry but dead people really don't inspire romantic thoughts. My little guy will be at school so I can't even have a nice valentines day with him. Not getting why I hate it yet ok i'll keep going, 15th is Mark's mum's funeral, a whole day of being stuck with people who I can't stand and either hate me or are trying to grope me. The 17th is Gaiebraille's anniversary (5 years if you are wondering), my babies anniversaries are never easy for me, this one sucks the most out of the three though because I also found out I was pregnant with Leo on the same date a year afterwards. We would have found out about Ambrose that day too but I forgot to do the test. The 19th is Ella's birthday, 21st is Mark's parents wedding anniversary since it's the first one without her, I am no doubt going to be told we have to go and visit and make sure he's ok. He doesn't really seem all that bothered about her being gone, he's even been back to work since Monday. If that was me (which I know it isn't because heck I feel hurt by her dying) there is not a chance in hell that I would be back at work 8 days after my partner died. She was his wife of 35 (I think) years, I would be utterly devastated while he just seems like his son to me, completely unfeeling and acting normally. The 23rd is Ella's birthday party (which I am pissed that I can't go to because of their being balloons decorating the hall) I guess Lukas going to a party without me, and the likelihood of anyone taking photos being about as good as a snowball in hell might have something to do with it to. Somewhere in the middle of that chaos is half term a whole week of having Lukas to entertain sounds like bliss to me until you account for the fact that Mark will probably still have not gone back to work. Lukas on his own fantastic, Mark on his own not much an issue. Both of them together, stuck in the house for a whole week, let's just say that I wonder if that's how they are going to torture me when I die and go to hell? They fight, they bicker, they make me want to kill them both or bang their heads together at least. You should have seen them this evening winding each other up. So you see February is a very bad month. I am very frustrated and pissed off about everything at the moment and I just needed somewhere to vent off some of it. But I think that it just sums it all up doesn't it, in this crap filled month that happens to fall in a leap year so there is even one extra day to fill with crap of some form or another. *sigh* I don't mean to be so bitter and resentful I really don't I am just hurting (physically, mentally and emotionally) I am finding it hard to cope with everything. I feel really overwhelmed with everything this month. I guess that when it rains it pours doesn't it, but I just wonder if it's ever going to let up. I just need a break even one month without drama or some kind would be enough to just give me the hope I am searching for, even a week would do or even just a day, hell right now I would settle for there being just an hour of peace. I guess the biggest issue I have is with how many people we have lost, each one has taken a part of me with them and I am starting to feel like there is soon going to be nothing left of me. I miss them and I just feel like they are all together and I am just here alone. I know I am not alone, but I still feel as though I am, because no-one understands me or what it's like to be me. I have a husband who has the emotional capacity of a flea, he doesn't seem to feel anything. I have Nan, who is always saying how ill she feels but never stopping to consider that maybe she's not the only one in pain. If I tell her I don't feel well, she starts off on her usual rant about how she feels. I am not saying she doesn't feel ill, I am just saying that maybe sometimes it would nice to just have a little sympathy or maybe just a listening ear rather than it feeling like I am being dismissed because she thinks she's obviously more ill than I am, she's obviously in more pain than I am. I can't say anything without her trying to outdo me. For example if I say the words, "my hands hurt" her reply lasts an hour or so with her telling me about every cut on her hand, her arthritis etc and I get tired of it. If I keep my mouth shut and don't say anything about how I feel then I get a different lecture, up all night in pain and trying to catch up on my sleep earns me yet another lecture. Then there's Lukas who doesn't understand why mummy looks like she's about to pass out after a session of chugga chugga choo choo (he gets on my back and I have to run around making dumb noises woowoo chugga chugga choo choo). This chest infection is already leaving it hard to breathe at times, I don't have much energy at the best of times, but this is really taking it out of me. That kid is also bloody heavy, even if I was fit and healthy (which I am definately not lol) it hurts me to lift him. All he wants to do is play with his mummy, and act like a bit of a loon. I hate to disappoint him so I try and play and then I suffer for it. I just can't win. I love them all I really really do. I am just fed up today I guess yet another valentines day not being acknowledged has sent me a little loopy. I feel so unappreciated and unloved right now. I don't really think it is a big deal to want a card, just a card from your husband. I don't think it's a lot to want to just be told that you are loved and that to someone you are special and you have meaning and value. But what do I know maybe that is a lot to ask.

Ella's Birthday Invitations

I offered to make Ella's birthday party invites and I am so proud of how they turned out. Just ignore the slight distortion I have no idea why blogger sometimes does that and other times doesn't. The picture was one image, and after some extracting, flipping and quite a bit of layer masking and blending it finally looked right. I'm biased but I think it rocks lol.
Credits: Layered template by Bree Clarkson (Shout It Out Templates 1 edited), Birthday Girl and Birthday Girl Alpha by Kate Hadfield and Fresh and Funky Collection:Becca by Victoria Feemster and Faith True. Font is DJB Erika by Darcy Baldwin.

Enabling: You can pick up the Shout It Out Templates 1 by Bree Clarkson here but the other items are now retired sorry.

I also made this one last night, they really couldn't be more different could they lol. One looks like it's been beaten with a Barbie doll lol and the other is very masculine and kind of moody looking. I prefer the second one, I am really not a pink kind of girl. As Lukas says "Pink Stinks!" but sometimes it's fun to get girly, even better when you finally use some of the girly stuff that you couldn't help yourself from buying. Flowers and glitter are a lot prettier than dirt and grunge. Pretty is good it's just pink I don't like lol.
Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (ANGIE'licious template 3) and I Just Love Him by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Font is DJB Writes A Lot by Darcy Baldwin.

Enabling: ANGIE'licious Templates by Chrissy W available here and I Just Love Him by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here.

2 new layouts

I am not very good about uploading my layouts as I do them at the moment, I end up writing a credits list and posting them the next day or a few days later. The first one was one I did the other day.
Credits: Layered Template by Kelly Shults (Collection 2, template B), Midnight Butterflies and Old Edges frames by Heather Manning, Font is DJB Lorraine Bold.

Enabling: Template Collection 2 by Kelly Shults available here, Midnight Butterflies and Old Edges Frames by Heather Manning available here and here.

This one was created for the 2nd challenge on Mrs Wresh's blog.
Credits:Layered template by Mrs Wresh (Template 1), Layered titles - childhood by Robin Carlton and Summer Breeze by Heather Manning. Font is DJB Stacy by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: You are the one who is always up to something. You are the one with a great imagination. You are the one who happily amuses yourself. You are the one who loves teddy bears. You are the one who says “Pink stinks”. You are the one who licks my face and blows raspberries at me. You are the one who always wants “huggles”. You are the one who can make me smile when I feel sad. You are the one who melts my heart with the words “I Love You”. You are the one who will always be doing something that I will never want to forget. You are my biggest reason for scrapbooking, Lukas you are my inspiration.

Enabling: Summer Breeze by Heather Manning available here. The template is currently available for free on Mrs Wresh's blog here and the Layered titles - Childhood by Robin Carlton are currently a free gift when you buy this.

Photographs of me

no time for rambling today, I have a list of stuff a mile long to get done today and I feel really yucky, so trying to get done what I can before I run out of energy completely. Just sharing my latest layout, not done for a CT or a challenge just because I felt like it (and because I needed to start off my gallery at NDISB so we can sign up for the 3rd ADSR race). Credits: Layered template by Cindy Irvine (Dress In Layers) and Magical Mystery Tour contributions by Cindy Irvine, Anita Stergiou and Amanda Stevens, ScrapApple week 12 by Sue Cummings and Make Me Gorgeous action by Lauren Barden. Font is DJB Lorraine Bold by Darcy Baldwin.

Enabling: Magical Mystery Tour available here, ScrapApple Week 12 by Sue Cummings available here, Make me gorgeous action by Lauren Barden available here. I can't seem to find Dress In Layers at NDISB anymore sorry.
I'll be back later if I manage to get anything else done to share xx

New Sketchabilities layout

This one was created for the new Sketchabilites challenge with Hetty DeBoer at Divine Digital.
Credits: Layered template by Hetty DeBoer (Sketchabilities 2008 06), 4 The Boyz 3 Exploring Alden's World and Gettin Grunged Overlays 08 (Overlay 6) by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Fonts are DJB MandyK2 and DJB My Own Outline by Darcy Baldwin.

Enabling: 4 The Boyz 3 Exploring Alden's World and Gettin Grunged Overlays 08 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and here. If you like the fonts by Darcy Baldwin you can grab them here and here
Layered template by Hetty DeBoer is for the curent Sketchabilites challenge you can find all the details and download link here.

A new layout

Layout share first and then some updates. This was created for the I Can Scraplift That Week 6 Feb.05-Feb.12 Challenge at Scrapbook Graphics.
A Scraplift of Stairway to heaven mix by Monije found here
Credits:Dirt Don't Hurt Neutrals and Come What May Contribution by Heather Manning, Scrap Girls Tools Stitching 4901 action and brushes by Shalae Tippetts and Gettin Edgey 02 Overlays by Royanna Lea Fritschmann (overlay 2). Font is DJB KEELYB by Darcy Baldwin.

Enabling: Dirt Don't Hurt Neutrals by Heather Manning available here, Come What May Collaboration by Purple Paper Flowers Designers available here, Scrap Girls Tools Stitching 4901 action and brushes by Shalae Tippetts available here and Gettin Edgey 02 Overlays by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here.

Ok updates, we have a date for the funeral, it's going to be next friday at 10:30am. She's going to be cremated and we are having the wake where we had our wedding reception (and various other family gatherings since Nan works there and almost all of the bar staff are family members the ones that aren't family are very good friends). It's looking like there will be a lot of people coming. Mark says his dad seems to be holding up ok, he wants to go back to work because he's not used to being home all day. We are just going to keep a close eye on him and make sure that he's ok. Mark seems to be coping fine no different to his normal self. As for me if you exclude the few nightmares I have had, and the few times that my mind has got mixed up (mark really looks like his mum, especially when he is asleep, even more because of the shaved hair) I have woken up a few times and panicked thinking I was laying next to a dead body. It passes but it's not easy especially when combined with being ill, running a temperature and not sleeping very well. I know that this will pass but it makes everything so much harder right now. Sometimes I just wish I didn't have this well of sadness and experience with death to draw from, the problem is the more
experience you have the easier you think it should be the next time around but because every loss feels different you can never really learn to cope.

Another Valentine for Mark

I haven't decided which one I want to use yet, I might give him more than one. I like making cards, I'm just trying to stay busy so I can go to bed a bit later and hopefully get a full nights sleep.
Credits:LOVE, Jessica Card Templates by Chrissy W, True, Path To My Heart Freebie and Studio Styles 4 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Fonts are Punkyrara1 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and DJB Jennifer Script 1 by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads:Roses are red violets are blue, I am so lucky to be married to you. You hold me you love me, you ease my pain, even if there are times when you drive me insane. I could never go a single day without you in my life. That’s why I’m lucky that I am your wife.In sickness and health until death do we part, i’ll love you forever with every bit of my heart

Enabling: LOVE, Jessica Card Templates by Chrissy W available here, True, Path To My Heart Freebie and Studio Styles 4 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here, here and here. Punkyrara1 Font by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and DJB Jennifer Script 1 by Darcy Baldwin available here.

There just aren't the words yet

I think everyone who actually reads my blog is already aware that Mark's mum passed away on Sunday Morning. I know that at some point I will end up writing the post that I started and just didn't have the words to finish. The problem is that I know I have called her things like the monster in law on here, I know she wound me up but I did love her. I didn't like her very much a lot of the time but I always loved her. When we were living at her house I got really close to her and there were a lot of times where I felt like she thought of me as her daughter. It's hard to explain even to myself exactly how our relationship worked. I guess the best way to describe it would be I thought of her like I think of Nan you have all seen how sometimes she drives me completely insane but I was worried about her when she wasn't here and I missed her a lot. I am going to miss Mark's mum and I regret that we never got around to resolving some of the issues that had come up between us. Lukas says she's gone to heaven top look after Leo. I think we did too much of a good job talking up how great heaven was in a bid to make him feel less sad about Leo. He's not sad that she's dead, as far as he is concerned she's lucky because she gets to be with Leo. I tried explaining that it was sad because she was leaving people she loved, and people who loved her behind and that we were going to miss her and his reply was that people don't feel sad or hurt in heaven. It makes things difficult for a lot of reasons. It seems really inappropriate that he's not sad at all I am scared people will think I have said horrible things about her to him (I have said horrible things but never aloud, I either think them or rant about them on here). I am also scared that people will think he didn't love her, because he did but he just doesn't understand why he didn't see her very often, how do you explain to a five year old something you don't understand yourself? The words are escaping me today, everything is still pretty numb in terms of feelings, my emotions are all jumbled up and confusing I kind of feel like everything I feel has been chucked into a blender and it's just this great mess of confusion and hurt. All of Mark's family seem to think I am some sort of expert on the subject of funerals, finances and dealing with loss. But everything was so different with Leo and Gaiebraille's funerals. I am trying my hardest to juggle everything but the emotion, the sheer amount of stuff that needs to be sorted out is just so daunting right now. It doesn't help matters that I am ill on top of the usual medical issues and I am sleeping worse than usual. I have been waking up at 3am and not being able to get back to sleep, for the last two days I have fallen asleep at around 7pm without bothering to eat, get undressed or anything I just can't physically stay awake any longer, and I can't sleep any longer either so I seem to be just going through the motions of getting up looking after Lukas etc in a kind of haze. Mark is being very mark about it all, he doesn't seem upset nothing seems to shake emotion into him. But I know that he adored his mum, everyone deals with it in different ways. I guess I should be greatful he is not a hysterical wreck because I don't have the energy to cope with that right now. I keep encouraging him to let out his emotions and telling him that I am here if he needs me. I went with him to school this morning because I thought he might not want to face everyone on his own just yet. I could tell he was really greatful I offered but he would never have asked for my help. Sometimes I long to just shake him or slap him to make him feel something, he used to be more emotional than this. I remember how he cried when we lost Gaiebraille, but somewhere along the way the emotion just seemed to vanish from him. I guess that's just another one of the side effects of everything we have been through, I am an emotional wreck and he's about as emotional as the tin man. He just doesn't seem to feel anything. I guess the emotion was too painful so he shut all his feelings out and seems to have lost the key to unlock them again. Maybe one day we will finally find a way to find some medium where we are in control of our emotions instead of the other way around, where he doesn't resort to not feeling anything and I don't feel so overwhelmed by all the different emotions I am feeling constantly. Anyway one of the things bothering me is the thought of letting all of my creative teams down. I feel like there is a part of me missing if I don't create so while all of them are very understanding about the situation I am trying to at least do something for them. It makes me feel useful and creating things is really calming, it's always been good for helping with the depression. The irony is I have gone full circle with it. I started scrapping to try and relieve some of the emotions that were smothering me after Leo died, the reason for scrapping changed along the way I started creating layouts because I enjoyed the process, I enjoyed the end result, it was more about making something beautiful than making something meaningful. It was just as important but the motivation changed. I scrapped pictures of Lukas to make myself happy, I scrapped about things he had said or done to remember them, I stopped creating the journalling filled layouts full of emotion and pain but I can see that those will be making a return in the future. There are layouts I need to do about Mark's mum and there are still a lot of things I have to deal with about Leo, Gaiebraille and Ambrose. I am still trying to find a balance between the two types of layout. I started this one last night when I couldn't sleep, it seemed a better use of time than watching info-mercials about holidays in Cyprus or tools for bricklaying lol. I couldn't face trying to concentrate on a challenge, so I just started creating a layout purely for creative team promotional purposes. I made a gift for Ruby using the pictures I took of her when she came to visit. It was really comforting to find that I could still find some pleasure even if for the briefest of times in something. It brought me some temporary inner peace.
I feel more ready to cope with today now, sure I am still exhausted and I am in pain, it's hard to breathe because of the chest infection I have, it hurts to sit here because of the pain in my back from the urine infection that's probably going to end up being another kidney infection but I don't feel as overwhelmed today as I did yesterday and the day before. Sorry this is turning into a book, I will shut up now and share the layout I made since that was the reason for posting in the first place lol.
Credits: Layered template (set 2, template 3) and Dirt Don't Hurt It's A Pink Thang by Heather Manning. Font is DJB Lorraine Bold by Darcy Baldwin.

Enabling: I couldn't find the templates for sale anywhere I had them on my hard drive already, but Dirt Don't Hurt It's A Pink Thang by Heather Manning available here.

Who says I can't multi-task?

This layout started out being for the 1st blog challenge on Mrs Wresh's blog, then I noticed that the direction I was taking it in made it perfect for this weeks Digi-Dare (Dare 73) and then I found the most perfect font for the journalling when I was browsing the new font challenge at Digi Scrap Shak. I have linked them all up for you if you want to take a peek or have a go at them yourself.

Credits: Layered template by Mrs Wresh (Template 26), Heart Glitter Doodles, Con Amor and Bead Happy Glitzy Glam by Heather Manning. Font is Rickles.

Journalling reads: There are so many reasons why you are more like a member of the family than just a piece of electrical equipment. Without you I would have no way to talk to other people. I would feel so much more alone than I do now. I would have no way to find the answers to questions I have. I would have no way to express the emotions that often threaten to overwhelm me. I’d have to actually go outside to fill my desire to shop. Sure there are times when you drive me insane. You do things I don’t understand, you don’t cooperate and I end up resorting to shouting at you. But I put up with that part, just like I do with people I love because I would be completely lost without you.

Enabling: Heart Glitter Doodles, Con Amor and Bead Happy Glitzy Glam by Heather Manning available here, here and here. The template was a former freebie on Mrs Wresh's Blog

I have some other stuff to tell you but since it's 6:15am and I haven't made it to bed yet I suppose I better do that first lol.

My Fives Prompt 22

I got really behind on these, I will eventually get them all done though that's a promise to myself. If you don't know what these are I am sure I have explained it before but I can't be bothered to go and look for it. My Fives was a challenge by Laura White (Princesslala) basically she has a collection of 50 journalling prompts the idea was to answer the prompt with 5 things for example the first prompt was what are the 5 best colours in the crayon box? You basically choose your 5 favourite colours and scrap a page about it. Prompts were posted 3 times a week and the finished project is supposed to be a mini album, a kind of mini book of me. The prompts are still up here at Divine if you want to take a look and do any of them yourself. Anyway this one was about the 5 things you like best about Fridays. Personally Fridays are not my favourite day of the week but I found 5 things I really like about them. The TV one could have been more specific and mentioned that one of the shows happened to be Friday Night Smackdown (yes more wrestling lol). But anyway here is the layout I might not be around much tomorrow since my little guy is sick (literally) he threw up for over half an hour earlier without stopping he's currently sprawled across almost my entire double bed fast asleep. I am sitting in my desk chair I don't like to sleep when he's ill. I like to watch over him, my overprotective side comes out when he is ill. I get all weird and am honestly no good to anyone until he's better. Guess Leo left a longer lasting impact than we thought. Lukas is my entire world if anything was to happen to him I wouldn't be able to cope it's really that simple. So I watch him and I do it with the knowledge that when it comes down to it I couldn't really prevent anything happening anyway I couldn't with Leo, I just have to watch and wait. *sigh* it makes me feel helpless and miserable. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Lukas will be back to his normal self tomorrow. I would willingly have the little horror that emptied an entire black sack of rubbish over the floor earlier rather than this poorly little guy. (before you ask yes they are one and the same lol). He was alright when he came home from school he had his dinner and then started saying he had a headache and his tummy hurt. I honestly thought it was from running around like a loon and making a pest of himself. Then he threw up and now not even water is staying down he starts coughing and everything comes back up. If he doesn't start coughing he's alright, he's asleep now and he looks so peaceful I just want to reach out and touch him and make sure he's ok but I don't want to disturb him. I can see that he's ok but somehow it's more reassuring to touch him and check but I am trying really hard not to be such a neurotic freak when he is ill but I can't help it. Anyway this was only supposed to be a short post and it's turning into a book lol. What am I like lol. Anyway here's the layout that prompted this post in the first place lol.
Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (LOVE, Jessica Cards Template 4),
Swirly Doodles and Doodle Fives by Laura White (Princesslala) and Dirty Stars Paper Pack, The Notes Paper Pack and All Bent Up Flower Frames by Heather Manning. Notepaper placement inspired by Picture Mask from Note2Self by Laura White (Princesslala). Fonts are 2Peas Dear Diary and Oh {Photo} Shoot!

Enabling: Swirly Doodles, and Doodle Fives by Laura White available here, and here, Dirty Stars Paper Pack, The Notes Paper Pack and all Bent Up Flower Frames by Heather Manning available here, here and here. Note2Self isn't in the store anymore sorry, and the LOVE, Jessica Card Templates by Chrissy W are a new set that's not up in the store yet I will add the link as soon as it is up.

Sharing a new card

Credits: Layered template (LOVE, Jessica Cards Template 3) and She's Come Unglued Peeling Alpha Pink by Chrissy W and Born To Love by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.

Enabling: Born to Love by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here, She's Come Unglued Peeling Alpha Pink by Chrissy W available here. The LOVE, Jessica Card Templates aren't up in the store yet I will update the post when Chrissy has uploaded them.

My 1st layout for February

A combination of Heather's latest kit and Chrissy's latest template challenge at Digital Candy. See multitasking makes me happy lol and I am just about to start on layout number 2. Wonder if that will get finished today?
Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (Forum Challenge 4 Template), Doodled Paper Dandelions by Kate Hadfield, Studio Styles 5 and Label Brushes by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Con_Amor by Heather Manning.
Black and White pop Lightroom Presets by Traci Reed (Pop Starr Black and White Pop 2) Fonts are JPaige_Crystal by Jeanelle Paige (my handwriting) and Myriad Pro.

Enabling: Doodled Paper Dandelions by Kate Hadfield available here, Studio Styles 5 and Label Brushes by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and here, Con_Amor by Heather Manning available here and Black and White Pop Pop Starrs Lightroom Presets by Traci Reed available here. You can find all the details about Chrissy's template challenge and post to let her know you would like to take part here and if you want to buy my handwriting font you can do that right here.

Where the heck did January go?

It doesn't seem like Christmas was over a month ago. But then I believe I was sat here on my anniversary saying the exact same thing wasn't I only I was wondering where a whole year had vanished to lol. I have a reason to really like February this month I have another Guest CT spot, this time with Heather Manning. Maybe her designs will help coax back my motivation. I like doing guest spots because I get a chance to meet new people and play with new products. I never apply for anybody's team that I wouldn't buy from so getting the products for free is a real plus as well. Not that I really need any more digi stash lol. But I do need the kick up the butt to actually use it. You may have noticed I have changed the blog colours around a bit, I thought the Spring colours would be more cheerful I intend on redoing the whole blog at some point with different colours so if it looks a bit strange for a while that's why. As you can see from the right sidebar I added some CT blinkies, they are linked to the stores. I found out how to do that on a post at Digishop Talk. I might change all the links on that side if I can be bothered lol. I like the look but the HTML is so confusing to me. I was very glad that I remembered to copy and paste what was there originally to the notepad before I started. I had to redo it a few times before it was right lol. I now have an even greater respect for people who do web design work. Looking at that code day in day out would drive me batty lol. I'll be back later hopefully with a layout or 2 (what, I can dream can't I lol).