Why do I always think I have posted here

and then get really disappointed when I find out it was just another thing on my to do list that never got done?
I've had a strange old October, I have had a blast creating for my guest CT spots, I have made a lot of layouts that I am proud of BUT and there's always a but I am feeling completely drained. This is the worst I have felt physically in a while, I am in a lot of pain I am not sleeping because of it and it's really taking it's toll on me. I really need a decent nights sleep, but I would settle for just a couple of hours of undisturbed sleep or at the very minimum just enough sleep to clear some of this constant fog from my head. Being in pain makes me more tired, being tired makes the pain bother me more so it's a never ending circle *Sigh*. Lukas's Brain Training Game for the DS arrived this morning, it was supposed to be part of his DS package he got for his birthday in August and I ordered it near the beginning of July and he's just got it this morning crazy isn't it. Anyway I couldn't resist having a quick go and to say the very least I was disappointed when I got my score apparently my brain age is 71 years! What can I say except I am brain dead because of sleep deprivation. My little guy got some parcels I ordered on Ebay this morning. He is now the very proud owner of another policeman's helmet and police vest, a race car driver suit with remote control car and his most favourite thing of all Buzz Lightyear Slippers. He's currently wearing all of it lol. He has some more parcels coming including a Buzz Lightyear Spacesuit, Buzz Lightyear Bedding and a Power Ranger Outfit. Mark will be home soon and then we will start the Halloween Project for school tomorrow. We have 27 Pillow boxes to print, assemble and fill with sweets and 27 little cards to make. Me and my bright ideas lol. I could have got started but the decent printer needs a little more ink, so I had the choice of fighting with the printer that does have ink but hates picking up paper, makes loud grinding noises and always prints slightly off alignment or waiting for Mark to come home and add some more ink to my lovely printer that will print in a very short space of time perfect prints. I choose to wait but no doubt I will be regretting that decision later when I am trying to assemble the damn boxes at around if past experiences are anything to go by midnight or 1am lol. But I think Lukas and his little friends are worth it I like doing things to make people's day a little brighter. I wonder if I could possibly manage a couple of hours sleep before Mark gets home?

Now I know why I married him

He has just gone to the chinese takeaway for me 20 minutes before they close because I remarked that chips from the chinese sounded nice. Sometimes he amazes me, anyway I gotta run he's just got back with chips and spring rolls from the chinese mmmm.

Very very bad blogger.

I seem to be apologising a lot lately for this blog. I never seem to either have anything to write ot have the energy to write anything. *Sigh* when there's a never ending list and only so many usable hours in the day things fall off the bottom and never get done. It's 5:50pm right now, I haven't done anything useful yet. I got up, I made a meccano thing with Lukas, I made Lukas food, I checked my emails and now I am writing my blog. Mark finishes work at 7:30 and no doubt when he comes home he will wonder what I have done all day but then I wonder what I have done all day as well lol. The hours just seem to disappear. Today I am burnt out, I am tired, I hurt and honestly all I would really like to do is have a bath, a large vodka and whatever and then an early night. I haven't been sleeping well lately, because of the pain in my stomach. Yes I know I should go back to the doctors but I just don't see the point. I go they prod me about and make the pain worse, then they either tell me that there's nothing they can do to help or they prescribe some painkillers that do nothing. Things have changed a lot around here since the last time I wrote. Mark is a lot more attentive, he wants to touch me all the time, cuddles, kisses, just his skin touching mine and it's nice some of the time. It's not that I don't like him touching me it's just that it's kind of hard to explain that actually I don't want you to touch me right now because I hurt a lot, because then he feels guilty. I feel miserable because he feels guilty and the whole room is just filled with sadness. It's impossible to describe how pain feels to another person, when they can't feel it for themself they either underestimate the amount of pain you feel or they try and compare it to something that they felt and it's never the same. It's a bit like trying to describe the sunrise to a blind person, there just aren't adequate words to describe it. Things are better though maybe it's because he likes being home here with me, maybe it's because there are a lot of things that just aren't worth the time or energy or maybe its because he hasn't seen his mother since he moved back in lol. Whatever the reason there is a lot more peace in the house now. I just don't have the words I need available to my sleep deprived head right now, so I am going to sign off. I will try not to leave it so long between posts but I am not promising anything xx

Hooray for half term

I have my little guy all to myself until the 30th when he goes back to school. Yes I am a bizarre kind of parent, I not only love half term I count down the days until the next one. I love having my baby at home with me. Because believe it or not I actually get more done when he's here lol.
Did I mention I have 2 new toys to play with? I got Adobe Photoshop Creative Suite 3 (PSCS3) and Lightroom 1.2 and I am loving them both. I have started playing around at Facebook. If you are wondering why there have been no layouts posted it's because I have been uploading them to albums over there. I will add a link in the sidebar and I might start uploading them here again but I don't know at the moment. So what else have I been up to? Umm CT work (loads of fun), Helping Kirsty Wiseman convert her Photoshop Tutorials to Elements (More fun and no I am not being sarcastic, I really enjoyed doing it), I have started on Calendars for Christmas presents and I have an album to do for Malcolms Birthday which is in oh 5 days time lol. You should all know what I am like with deadlines by now, I am that mother that's still wrapping up presents on Christmas Eve, heck sometimes I am that Mummy that falls asleep and ends up wrapping presents on Christmas Morning lol. It will get done, eventually. We took Lukas out the other night for another duck feeding session. There weren't many ducks but there were lots of swans and geese and seagulls. Swans are very smart birds they caught right on to the fact that the closer they stepped to Lukas the more likely I was to throw massive chunks of bread or even whole slices at them so they wouldn't come any closer. I love my boy and like I told the birds, "Touch him, and you i'll drown you myself". Nan's been poorly, she has a nasty chest infection that just seems to keep spreading despite antibiotics. I am hoping that they will find something to treat it soon because I hate seeing her ill. There have been other dramas here as always and my cousin has a new baby girl. Her names Ruby and I am dying to see her so I can take lots and lots of pictures. But I'm sure your all wondering what's going on with my marriage, well things aren't that bad right now. Mark is still being a bit of a pig same old issues, but I am reaching the point where I no longer feel the need to resort to making into a row. His solution right now is he acts like a pig, he buys me something so I am getting lots of new Digi Stash lol. It's not all bad he seems happier than he's been for a while, I tune out the constant sport with my new Ipod, I hear the words love you quite a lot. Things aren't exactly sunshine and roses but they aren't completely dark and depressing either I guess for now there's a bit of a fog and nothing is really clear. I do believe that Mark loves me on some level, and he likes being back here. Things will work out one way or the other they always do. For now there's not much I can do except sit back for the ride.

Time to make a few confessions

1. I really did mean to get back here and do this before.
2. I'm still not really sure how I am going to word this post, so I am just going to go for it and hope I end up making a little sense.
Me and Mark came to the decision that our marriage deserved one last chance, he moved back in with me and Lukas. Things are very rocky right now and I really don't know how I feel about it. The truth is it was kind of nice when he wasn't here, I lived in a house full of peace for a while. There was no bickering, I didn't shout at Lukas at all but I was still willing to trade it all for my husband, what can I say I am a fool. I tried to be strong and set down ground rules before we moved back in together. I thought we had an understanding but I was so wrong. Now I live with a man who could care less about the rules we made, a man who is even worse than he was before and now has the added minus of being a smoker again. He's stroppy, biting mine and Lukas head off at every opportunity and I am stuck. I wanted my marriage to work but he's not the man I fell in love with anymore. He's mean and nasty and I feel as if every day when I get up and I let him treat me like this another piece of me dies. There's a rough road ahead and there are tough choices to be made. If only I could find Mark again I catch glimpses of the old man and I like what I see he's not gone completely just buried and I would love nothing more than to dig him out from under this hateful human being my husband is becoming. I remarked to him the other day that we had more sex when he lived at his mothers and he simply replied fine i'll go back there then. From the way he acts you would think that he is being denied sex but he's just not interested. He's content to sit and watch sport, play his laptop or his playstation 2 and not speak to anyone. I need more than that, I need to feel someone holding me, I need to see someone looking at me like they love me. *Sigh* there's bound to be another row later on tonight because I am feeling kind of edgey and emotional today thanks to getting my period this morning. I would be lying if I said I wasn't gutted but I get like this every month I would so like another baby I always felt confident when I had a baby to care for, they don't judge and they love unconditionally, don't get me wrong I still get that from Lukas I just don't get it as often as I need it. He's at school all day, he sleeps in his own room at night and I just really feel like he doesn't need me anymore. This is a real downer of a post so let's finish it off with something a bit more positive. I got my new Ipod Shuffle this morning (came free with my audible.co.uk subscription I can't read a book anymore so audio books are my only way to get back to "reading". The best part is I can listen to them while I do other stuff. Multitasking rocks lol). I am loving it. I am currently shifting my itunes onto it, I can't run CS3 and Itunes because they crash my system so I have been resorting to cds and it's a pain. I currently have 150+ songs on my Ipod and there's still space, Just press play and i'm good to go sounds fabulous to me. Might be back later.

I have stuff to say

But I don't know where to start.I don't know if I mentioned it or not but I was lucky enough to be offered two guest CT Spots one with Jennifer Schmitt who sells here, and one with DeDe Smith who sells here,here,here,here and here. So I have been busy scrapping, and uploading layouts. There's a lot going on at home but I don't have time to talk about it now Lukas is off school today because he was sick everywhere last night, he's moaning about various things. Maybe I will get time to pop back later.

Do you ever have one of those days

where you are sitting at the end of it thinking you have been banging your head against a brick wall all day, or maybe that it would have been easier if you had?
Lukas's school has had an outbreak of sickness, yesterday 40 kids and various teachers were sent home they ended up putting buckets into some of the classes for the kids to throw up in while they were frantically ringing around parents to come get their puking kid. Lukas came home with a rash all over him. So being the mummy that I am I decided to keep him home today. Well let's just say that now I understand why parents look forward to their kids being at school and why they dread the holidays. He's been a little horror for me today. Everything has needed to be repeated over and over and over again. He has pulled all my bedding off over and over and over again. Just don't ask about the bedding it's a sore point basically he strips all the bedding off the bed and piles it onto the floor, why I haven't a clue. How to stop it, no clue there either. I have tried begging, threatening, punishing,I have tried screaming, shouting, taking toys away and still he continues to do it. I am just fed up with it all today. I am sick again have a temperature, feel rough and have a headache from hell, I just didn't need Lukas to be a pain today. Nan doesn't help when I moan to her about him she responds with "he's been an angel down here". Kind of makes me want to smash her head against a wall. I know he's been good downstairs, I know he's ALWAYS good downstairs don't rub it in! He's good downstairs for two reasons 1. he has CBeebies to watch, 2. he has a playstation to play. So he's occupied and like I have said before once he's doing something he hears nothing. I got one small victory today though. He finally picked up all the toy cars and animals from his room, I threatened to bin everything on the carpet if it wasn't picked up in 30 minutes. Normally I am pretty patient with Lukas but today I just feel like everything he is doing wrong is driving me crazy and I am snapping at him. I guess if I didn't feel ill it wouldn't be so bad. I also know that a lot of it comes down to me feeling resentful. I feel overwhelmed by everything and all of Lukas's questions and requests are tiring, they require energy I don't have and while I am struggling and very close to breaking point, my husband is still at his mothers. He comes and takes Lukas to school, and picks him up. Spends about 10 minutes a day with Lukas and moans about doing that. I resent him a lot especially when he says "Well you kicked me out", no actually I didn't I told you to pack your stuff and leave so I didn't kill you because you were driving me mad. If I really meant it I would have packed your bags myself, dumbass. I get so sick of having all the blame ladled onto me. Like the whole you hit me thing. Yes I did hit him, and I apologised over and over and over again for it. But why did I hit him because he drove me over the edge. He will accept no blame and I get really sick of everyone thinking he was an innocent victim who was kicked out by his violent wife. The more honest version would be he was hit by a wife who had long since reached her breaking point, a wife who was acting more like a mother to him. I mean to be fair how many people would not crack under the pressure of living with a 30 year old man who acts like a 3 year old? All I ever did was repeat myself - "please take the dishes down", "please take the washing down", "Please don't drop rubbish on the floor". It would have been bad enough to do that day after day after day, without feeling ill. It got to a point where I chose my computer over my bed with my husband because I was sick to death of being pushed away, why bother trying to be close to him only to be ignored, or moved out of the way of the sport on the television. That's without the issue of trying not to retch when laying next to him because he hadn't had a bath for so long. Don't get me wrong I love Mark, even now and I would still be willing to risk going through all the crap again to make our marriage work.I don't want to be another statistic, I want my marriage to work out. I want the stubborn, pigheaded, ignorant son of a bitch to come home. Family is important to me and it always will be. I still hold hope for my marriage, it lives in the shame place that believes one day my mum will tell me she loves me and my dad will wake up and realise how much I love him and stop letting me down. What can I say I am a fool. Lukas is asleep I might go and join him and see if I feel brighter in the morning.

Inspiration anyone?

I bought these a while back at A Cherry On Top and they are incredibly cool.
Even I have no excuse to say I have no inspiration. Anyway they have been revamped and re-released and are on sale for 40% at Katie's brand new store Scrapbook Lady Designs. Just in case you don't know who Katie is, she's a Digital Designer with a very cool blog here where she provides a monthly set of prompts to "Round Up" your month. Check out September's here, she also hosts the Wordy Wednesday challenge at The Digi Shoppe Blog. I'll be back in a bit I have some layouts to share.

You may have noticed the new look

The happy perky lilac colours and header made with my wedding photos just wasn't doing it for me anymore. So I went for something a bit darker to match my mood, the header is a work in progress. I love the photo but I need to make a few more bits and pieces for it. If you were wondering the header is made with something I have been playing around with it's a work in progress called Sunshine After The Rain. But I make papers, then I forget about it for a while. Right now I believe there are 16 papers for it. When I think it's complete I will share it with anyone that wants it.
I am feeling very sad I found out yesterday that my mum had the baby on Thursday. She was 9 weeks early and weighs 3lb something. I believe her name is Maya. There were complications and my mum lost a lot of blood but she signed herself out of the hospital because of the no smoking policy they have in place. I am hurt that nobody even wanted to call me, I found out from Nan. I wish with all my heart that there was some way to begin mending the relationship but there just isn't my mum doesn't understand the concept of forgiving anyone she holds a grudge and I guess on some level so do I. I would love to see my baby sister or just know that she was ok but I can't. I don't have my best friend to talk to anymore because he became my husband and now wants a divorce and I just feel so overwhelmingly lonely I am lost for words to describe it. I have nobody to talk to, nobody to make it better anymore. I hate feeling so powerless, my life is slipping away from me and there's nothing I can do about it, except sit here and watch it leave. I am really starting to understand why people resort to suidicide, or alcohol or drugs to take this feeling away. While I can resist pouring myself a large drink or taking a large quantity of pills I am starting to understand why some people do and I don't like it. It was always easier to assume that they must have had no feelings for anyone around them, that they cared about no-one but themselves and that they allowed themselves to wallow in self pity and loathing. But I guess maybe they just felt like I do now and they felt like they had no-one to turn to either. Or maybe they just felt like enough was enough. I have been through so many trials in my life and through them all I have seen that distant light at the end of the tunnel, as dull as it was at times it was always there and I was always determined to reach it but now it's all just so dark. I feel like I am feeling my way through life like a blind person and I guess I am just wondering why I am bothering.Everytime I ask myself that question the answer I come up with is for Lukas. I do it all for him. I want to be strong for him and never give up on hoping that things will get better. But it's hard to find hope in the dark.

Thought this looked cute

Nan's Birthday Presents.

I ordered Nan's memory purse when it was on weekend special, she got the large memory purse, a checkbook cover (going to use that to cover a diary/planner thing and the business card holder which is perfect for her bus pass. All that was $25 I think and then the same again for postage and packaging but she's worth it. Want one? You can grab the bags and other bits here but they aren't on special price anymore.
So here is the insert to her bag she has same back and front. I designed it from scratch no template (I know *Shock* *Horror* I scrapped alone lol)Credits: Be Divine, Gettin Fancy 04 Commercial Overlays, Gettin Edgey 04 Commercial Overlays, Butterfly from Simply Gorgeous and Background paper from Birthdayz Girl all by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.
Then here's Nan's bus pass holder.I cheated for this one because I couldn't find the tape measure to measure the cover lol.Credits: Trading Card Templates by Amy Bleser (template #12 altered slightly), Be Divine and BirthdayZ Girl by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.
Then finally I made this Hybrid card to go with it (this is the digital version before I assembled it)
Credits: Snail Mailers by Bree Clarkson (Launch Pads Snail Mailers #5) and Be Divine by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.
I'm not doing enabling now, I might do it tomorrow if I feel like it. I am tired I haven't slept in nearly three days and I am starting to get ratty.

Let's talk layouts

because let's face it, husbands that have started smoking again after quitting two years ago, thanks to annoying mother in laws who provide funds to do so and even offer encouragement for doing it are just tiring. Before I show you the two layouts that I have made (only took me a week to actually do something in Photoshop) I have a tiny belated announcement. Yesterday, well technically considering the time the day before yesterday was Nan's Birthday she was 77 years young lol. I got her a memory purse (did I share the insert, card and bus pass holder with you?, hang on let me check) apparently I didn't I will put them up with the two layouts I have done tonight. But I am veering off topic as normal, she had a fairly decent birthday got some nice presents including a very funky purple disco ball that was labelled "The Flasher" lol. the only part of the day that wasn't so nice was the row we had. This huge rant here that was Nan fueled, because she has been telling everyone about me and Mark and it made me mad. I'm not going to apologize for what I said because it was all true, I did apologise for the way I said it though. She didn't really help her case with the words, "I only told them because I feel sorry for you". Nothing winds me up more than people's pity. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for myself so why should other people feel that way about me? But this post is turning into yet another long one. So let's switch track and discuss what I came here for to post layouts. Duh would help if I made my little announcement first wouldn't it. I am now on a 2nd CT. Jennifer Schmitt has asked me to guest for October, but I have already started playing with her stuff. If you haven't seen her stuff click on the enabling links I am going to add below these layouts.Credits: Layered CD Album Templates by Jennifer Schmitt and The Journey: Take the scenic route by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.
Font is Pea Sue's Print.
Enabling: Layered CD Album Templates by Jennifer Schmitt available here

The Journey :Take the scenic route by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available hereCredits: Layered template 6 (from set 10 in collection 1) and Autumn Glow by Jennifer Schmitt.

Stock photo from Stock Xchng by Mateescu Cristi (Mediaserv).
Traci Murphy Dropshadow actions - Chipboard Light, Light Stitch Light, Flower Light and Ribbon Light. Fonts are Susie's hand and Love Ya Like A Sister by Kimberly Geswein.
Enabling: Layered template 6 from Set 10 in Collection 1 and Autumn Glow by Jennifer Schmitt are available here and here.
Traci Murphy's Dropshadow actions are available here.The stock photo site address is http://www.sxc.hu/ and you can pick up Kimberly's font here.
Will post Nan's memory purse and other bits in a new post.

Nothing is sacred

Marriage isn't it's too easy now to say "I made a mistake marrying you", or "I want a divorce". Love isn't sacred anymore it can be destroyed by other people or just trip over that thin line to hate. Trust isn't sacred because everyone you trust believes it's ok to tell people that your husband has left. Your life becomes the latest greatest scandal, there isn't a person in the world that doesn't believe they have a right to discuss your business behind your back, to tell everyone they know all the gory details. People assume they can take sides and bitch about the other person, they can make idle threats and say whatever they like. Even when nothing is a certainty. I honestly believe its the innuendo from other people, the gossip and other people's actions that cause all the trouble. It's the feeling that you have no privacy and everyone is talking about you that makes you feel vunerable and destroyed. I don't want to be the centre of attention someone's focus for ridicule or even pity. I just want to get on with my life, discuss things with my husband and try and work out what happens next. The next person I hear discussing me and my marriage behind my back is going to see my fury because I've had it. It makes it so hard this is why people wish that things had never happened because being invisible is so much easier than being in the spotlight of everyone. I don't know how celebrities cope.

Just a layout today

I have nothing else to say. I am so mixed up emotionally I want to hate him for what he's done but I don't. I want to be angry at him but i'm not. I feel like when I lost Leo, like it is all just out of my control and I am being dragged along gaining bruise after bruise on my heart. I wish I could find some way to tap into the passion. Before I lost Leo I would have reacted to this in one way I would have been pathetic and weak I would have been begging him to come back, ringing him constantly and getting frustrated when he put the phone down on me or refused to pick it up at all. I have changed and so has he but I think this has more to do with being numb inside. I am shocked that he's gone and it hasn't quite sunk in yet what that means. That's the problem with this blog I start a sentance to explain that I just have a layout and it turns into a whole post lol. Anyway here's the layout. I found this cute layered template the other day here.

Credits: Spiderman layered template by Bonecade Papel Scraps and All Divas Eve (recoloured) by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.

I got to thinking

while I was radomly swearing at the damn computer for refusing to play the dvd Lukas wanted to watch. While having no television is of no consequence to me (because I watch it like once a week), Lukas is missing it. Both him and his daddy seem incapable of functioning without that big dumb black screen. For me it's always been noise with a few tiny exceptions. But Mark and Lukas they plan there life around it. I got to thinking about how many of the arguments we had were over that TV. From the heated rows about yet more sport, to the playful teasing about the fact that Mark can reel of stats from any given sport but still doesn't know exactly what days his sons were born on. I thought about the days out that were ruined because Mark was sulking about missing something or trying to hurry us along to get back for something. The television was never my thing it used to be books. I devoured every printed word with the appetite of a starving person. I needed to absorb every word, every phrase. I could read a book cover to cover in hours, and then read it again to make sure I didn't miss anything. I read anything I could get my hands on and would happily wait up all night to ensure I finished the book I had started. I used to read in the bath, read on the bus, read while the teachers were talking at school. As my hands got worse and the headaches increased from being a few times a month to weekly, daily and then constant the books fell to the wayside. I couldn't concentrate on them anymore, reading them wasn't worth the pain. My second biggest passion is music. I choose songs to reflect my mood, I play them over and over again until I know them word for word. I feel as if the words in some songs just seem to fit the way I feel better than I could express. I have a passion for digital scrapbooking I collect kits, I scrap layouts (I willingly admit to sometimes spending hours on a layout only to scrap it because it just doesn't seem right.) I have a passion for my sons. That passion consumes my every waking moment and almost every one I spend sleeping. I am filled with a love that burns like a bright beacon. People are drawn to its radiance like moths to a flame. They aren't sure what they are seeing but it draws them close. Some people have to step away because it's such a burning passion it burns too bright for some people. My passions drive me they make me the person I am. Without passion I would be nothing a mere shell of myself. Mark doesn't have a passion sure he is consumed by his desire to sit and vegetate. He would happily spend his whole life in front of the television, playstation or laptop games and he would never feel discontent about it, because his drive just isn't there anymore. He used to have drive and be artistic, but most of all he used to be motivated. When I first met him he made me laugh all the time. I couldn't wait to be around him. Hell I used to go to work early (yes I know me the I Don't Do Mornings! girl) so I could waste time drinking a diet coke and eating a king size mars bar in the shop with him instead of on the till where I worked. I used to be clock watching for it to be 9pm at work because that meant he would be waiting for me outside. He used to be early and lecture me for being late while I giggled and called him an old dinosaur. Then he left it was sudden with no announcement and I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I was stunned how much it hurt me that he hadn't said goodbye. I innocently asked his friend where he was trying not to sound interested. With each passing day I grew more angry and less hurt with him. Then someone who used to come in the shop mentioned he had seen Mark working in a certain shop. I felt my heart race a bit. Though I admit he never knew it because I let rip with my fury on him. He stood back stunned unsure why I was so mad. I wanted to beat him about the head with something to knock some sense into him, bloody hell you dumb man do you really not know what I am feeling for you? The details of the months that followed are a little hazy to me, and I am sure you are wondering why I am telling you this now. It's because that day I realised he had become my passion. My driving force. Now I guess I kind of feel like my guide rope has been severed I am left to the ride called life and I have nothing to guide and centre me. I just have to hope that I can swerve every bump in the road, or at least not hit it hard enough to fall out. So if it seems like my wheels are a little wonky for a while, and you suddenly find yourself witnessing just how badly I drive. Just be aware that whatever road my life travels from here on Lukas will be fastened securely next to me, nothing and no-one will ever threaten that. If Mark decides to climb back in for the ride there is room in my heart but he will have to find the key because for now I am burying it so I don't end up hurting myself because I am so desperate for my guiding light to return.

i cant hate you anymore

Sounds very appropraite for the way I feel right now. I am tired out from crying and I don't hate him right now. Give me time I am sure the hatred will come later

So he came

and packed his stuff and left, went running back to the mother that doesn't want him in her house but is willing to tolerate him being there for the rent money. My little guy cried hysterical and I felt very very helpless until he told me why I was crying and I couldn't help laughing out loud - Daddy was taking his Disney channel lol. I was reminded today in between the floods of tears of my reason for living on the planet, my Lukas. When he asked why I was crying I told him "Daddy broke my heart and it hurts" ever resourceful my little guy replied "you can have mine mummy", which provoked more tears from me and a very confused look from Lukas. How screwed up is it that my 5 year old gets the concept of death he understands now that Leo is dead and he's not coming back. I finally managed to satisfy his questions on that front and now I am facing even more but this time nothing I say is going to be good enough. It's my fault I suppose for always telling him the way it is. I always swore I was never going to lie to him but now it's not so much lying as not knowing what to answer because I honestly don't know why Mark doesn't want him or me anymore. I have no clue why he wants to throw away our marriage. I am really bad at this parenting thing first I have to do the death talk and now the divorce one and he's just 5 years old. Why can't I hang on to those that I love? But I am a woman and a pretty strong one usually so I am coping the way any self respecting woman does, I shopped, normal girls they go out and buy things like shoes or clothes or they get drunker than they have ever been before. I am not normal I can't just go out so I did the next best thing I internet shopped, but not digi stash this time. No I went for two downloadable cd's I guess I am spolit by the instant gratification of Digi scrapping,so I can listen to someone else describing how I feel so I don't have to work it out, that bottle of vodka is looking mighty tempting to kill this headache from sobbing so much. I could kill for someone to hold me right now. Someone to wrap there arms around me and tell me it will all be ok even if that is total bull. Guess I will have to make do with my little guy and my teddy bear. *sigh*

I have never felt so worthless in my whole life

I sit here as someone who has been raped and abused in the past and I can honestly say nothing has ever made me feel as worthless than the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, my husband just did. Last night when he wanted sex I was happy enough to oblige I thought even though things were hanging by a thread this showed some intent to work at it. Little did I realise that it was all just so he could get his leg over then get up this morning throw his ring at me and walk away. To have my own husband treat me as nothing more than a whore and not to care that he made me weep in the street because of it has cut me so deep I don't think I will ever recover. I think the worst part was the more upset I got the more he enjoyed it. He held out his ring and then threw it into the dirt it meant nothing to him whatsoever. Even to my ears it sounded pathetic when I told him you can't throw our marriage away like that and he just shrugged his shoulders and couldn't care less. I am heartbroken and full of shame, the one who I have given so much of myself to freely, who I would have willingly died to turn back time and not hurt him yesterday has just proved that to him I am worth less than nothing. I have no clue where I go from here, I have been married 9 months and 2 days and my husband has left me. How could it possibly get any worse. But then I shouldn't have asked that because it's just hit me how it's going to get 1000 times worse. I am going to have to tell people that it's over and he's left me. I am going to have to look people in the eye and see pity or in some cases glee that it hasn't worked out. I have a feeling I am going to spend hours if not days wishing I had never been born. What did I ever do to deserve this? I know my rage caused me to lash out at him yesterday but what woman in their right mind wouldn't at some point reach her breaking point if they lived with a man who could care less when he hurts her feelings by forgetting every event, by constantly ignoring her every word and request, by treating her and his child like a piece of crap he has walked in? I was wrong I apologised but the truth is he didn't care that I hit him. All he cares about is being able to do nothing all day long, and marriage just doesn't allow for that to happen. Marriage is full of compromise and work but I guess I was the only one up to the job, the only one who wanted to make it work. I just wish he had told me he didn't love me instead of making me get married just to end it 9 months and 2 days later.

When the fire of rage burns nothing is left unscathed

It tore through here earlier, and destroyed everything in it's grasp. Total damage stands at undetermined amount, but my marriage has been left hanging by a thread. I am in no doubt that tomorrow morning I will see the damage in all it's glory. I will open my eyes and see the hurt that was left in the wake of my fiery anger, I will see all that was consumed and destroyed. I honestly believe that this fire has been simmering for a long time, and like a volcano it eventually erupted leaving nothing but devastation. Rage first destroys rationality, followed by calm and composure then it swiftly removes control. I saw nothing but fire when I attacked Mark and hit him, over and over. His cries never reached my ears, his pain never reached my eyes. Nothing got through to me until the rage had burnt at it's brightest. I was left a weak helpless shell who could do nothing but stare at the hands that had inflicted damage beyond measure. For hours I could see nothing in my mind but a huge white void of nothing. I didn't know who Mark was or Lukas. I cried buckets of tears for a reason unknown to me. Now in the aftermath I sit here and I type and I am more confused than ever because my husband doesn't seem to hate or despise me. He seems to feel nothing. It's been a problem for a long time he doesn't feel anything at all. I am angry at him for not hating me. I want to be hated for what I did, I want to feel guilty beyond all measure but I only feel confusion. I feel like my brain is a computer giving me a "this area is restricted" message when I try to access my emotions. They are there I know they are but I can't process them correctly. I have always been the rational one, the one who is in control of not only herself and her emotions but of everything else. I may be the emotional one but I am the one who provided the support and the balance and now I am the one who is unsteady, walking a tightrope above a sea of confusion and for the 1st time in my life I am truly afraid. I have seen what rage makes me capable of, I have lost control and I don't know where to go from here. I feel like my whole world is crumbling down around me and I am powerless to stop it. I think when Leo died he took more than a piece of my heart and my soul. I think he made the edges of every emotion raw and sharp enough for even the mildest of insult to cut deep. I used to believe in myself. I believed if I could get through losing Leo I could get through anything but I don't know how to get through this. Crying doesn't work. I feel like I have gone past the point of no return I am falling in a hole with no bottom and nothing can save me. Mark won't have to do a thing, whether he pushed me over the edge or I fell is irrelevant now because what's done is done. If he could find his feelings again he might be able to save me and himself. But if he can't what hope is there I don't have the strength left to save myself anymore. I need him, but he needs me more and I can't do it anymore. I can't take care of him or Lukas I am nothing except a broken woman who is slowly losing more and more of her mind every day. No person is strong enough to endure all this and remain standing, but where the hell do I go from here? What I have done is unforgiveable I can never forgive myself for doing it no matter what Mark does. I let the rage consume me now I have to sift through the wreckage and hope that something remains intact underneath all the crap, I just wish I knew how to do that.

Manipulation - a few pointers from the mistress

that mistress obviously not being me lol. I am no good at getting anyone to do anything for me.
1. Ask for a favour, when the person you are asking hesitates wait until the next day to ask again.
2. Follow that by getting someone else to pass the message on.
3. Finally ask for favour in front of someone else. This achieves maximum awkward feeling and almost always results in desired result.
How do I know these steps work? Because I have just got talked into making a calendar for someone for free. I didn't want to do it I tried to explain why (becauseit takes too long and it not worth my time or effort when I am making nothing for it) but when asked again in front of the person who wants on how the heck do you say no?
I don't feel like I can charge for the supplies because for anyone who doesn't digi scrap I come across looking like a rip off merchant because of the commercial use/scrap 4 hire fees most designers have. I can't charge for my time because no-one believes how long these digi projects take to make. I even feel awkward charging for the paper and ink because I don't know exactly how much ink is used.What makes it worse it the person who wants it has no clue about photographs or digital cameras. When I asked if she has a digital camera, she started babbling something about a digital camera. So I will probably end up taking the photos for it as well. *Sigh* Why can't I learn to say that simple little phrase - NO?