A new layout to share

I haven't felt like scrapping for a few days, I have been busy being ill and trying to keep me eyes open lol. I started this earlier and as you have seen many times, I don't like patterned paper, patterns intimidate me. But this kit by Royanna doesn't have any solids. So I had to step (kicking and screaming mind you lol) out of my comfort zone. When I left to pick Lukas up from school it wasn't exactly a layout I was pleased with but when I came back and looked at it, well it looked pretty damn good lol. So I am thinking maybe the layouts elves came and waved some magic on it while I was out rofl. So anyway I have rambled enough about it take a look and judge for yourself.

Credits: Layered template by Michelle Swadling (Scraplift 9th January 08), Distressed Alpha Brushes by Heart2Heart Designs, My from Grungy Wordart by Barbara LeMay Heralds Place and My Love, My Life by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Lightroom Presets by Traci Reed (Pop Starrs Black and White Pop 1&2) Font is Dymo Font Inverse.

Enabling: Distressed Alpha Brushes by Heart2Heart Designs available here, My Love, My Life by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here (get it before tomorrow night's crop and it's a bargain price of $2), Pop Starrs Black and White Pop Lightroom Presets available here and the Layered Template by Michelle Swadling is for the Scraplift Challenge at Gotta Pixel all the details and the download link for the template can be found here Grungy Wordart by Heralds came from here but the link says expired now sorry.

Time to make a few confessions

It's supposed to be good for your soul right lol. Ok so here goes I have always had a little bit of a tendancy to at least attempt to fit in with "normal" people. I know damn well that eventually my personality will let me down because no matter how hard I try my mouth won't stay shut. When I see people acting in my opinion like an ass I am 99.9999% likely to tell them I think so. As you are gathering I am never going to win any popularity contests lol. But it's not just the whole speaking my mind thing I am noticing it a lot about everything in my life lately. I don't quite fit with the way that things are supposed to be done. At the school gates I feel like the old one out I am not toting around some snot nosed whining child who is constantly launching their bottle, dummy, blanket, or other random object across the playground while their mum stands, I am not one of those talkative mums who everyone seems to gravitate towards, I am not one of those super cool well dressed mums who look like they have just come from work/college, I don't fit into the cliques, I have nothing to talk to them about. I feel like one of those sick covered exhausted mums with a young baby whose kept them up for nights on end without the baby. I hate doing the school run because it makes me feel alienated and depressed. When it comes to scrapbooking I can't make layouts that people gush over, I can post in lots of different galleries even those promoting lots of praise on all your layouts and get about 3 comments in total. I can't do those artsy teeny tiny pictures with a million embellishments layouts, I can't do those one photo, one background, one title (if your lucky) layouts they aren't me. I am 23 years old and if you ask me to name one song in the top 40 you would have no chance of me naming one of them. I used to know what position every song held, I used to know what dates everything was being released on. Now I can't even remember the name of the last actual CD I bought but I can remember (just about lol) the last thing I bought on ITunes and that was a Brad Paisley CD. I always used to think country music was for old people. But I really like it I have always had a weakness for music that has words you can actually understand and sing along albeit badly lol to. I still wear maternity jeans and I haven't been pregnant since April of last year the last baby I actually had was in 2004. I used to be one for clothes I used to love pretty clothes, now don't get me wrong they weren't sexy clothes but I actually cared what I put on, now I could care less what I wear and some oh alright most days I don't even bother getting dressed. I often wonder if any of the scrapbooking I do will matter to anyone, will lukas remember how happy he was on so and so day or will he remember that was the day that mummy took him out and couldn't come and play with him because she felt too ill, couldn't run around because she felt too tired? Will he remember that his mummy was that crazy crafting woman who made presents for his whole class for Halloween/Christmas/Valentines Day or will he remember that his mummy was the one who was too tired to come and collect him from school. I feel like no matter how hard I try it's not good enough for anyone. I can't do the traditional mummy/wife activities because of my medical issues and because of living here. When you aren't allowed to cook, you can't clean or wash clothes what is left that makes you the Mummy? Sometimes I think that if we moved out of here things would be easier and then situations like this week happen and I know that we can't. When I went to pick Lukas up on Thursday I came over feeling really ill. I was nauseous, having really bad pain across my chest and my stomach, I felt dizzy and lightheaded. When I came home I asked Nan to watch him for a little while. I passed out and I haven't left my bed since. I posted from bed using the laptop and I was only awake because the pain was too bad to sleep. I scrapped because it was soothing and a better alternative than staring at the walls all night. Today I am back to my normal kind of ill lol but I am drained from the last two days. I was just lucky that Mark was working the 7:30pm finish shift on Thursday and had yesterday off. I don't want to be a bad mum or a bad wife. I don't want to be the person that causes them to be embarassed by me. It used to really suck being the only kid whose mother wasn't at the school things and I am trying my hardest to always be at Lukas's but sometimes that one motherly duty means he loses his mummy for a few days is it really worth it? I am tired out, I am frustrated and I feel like the harder I try to be "normal" the more being sick is putting me firmly in my box of complete failure. Today is just another one of those days where I wonder if they would all be better off without me. I don't know how to be anything but me, but me is a waste of space, an embarrassment to the ones she loves, a medical mystery that baffles the doctors, but most of all me is just a sad 23 year old woman trying to have a normal life and failing miserably. What a depressing way to start a day!

I Dare You - January 2008

2 challenges in 1 day from the same site, that's odd even for me lol. This one was for the Digi Dares with Chaos (Jen) at Digital Candy. Scrap one of your resolutions, must use 1 photo of you, journalling about what the resolution is, a ribbon, a frame, a button, 3 different flowers and your title had to have an alpha and a font. It was a lot harder than it sounded to get all that one on layout lol but it was a lot of fun.

Credits: Layered template (Don't Be Square 8.5x11 Template 1) and Zigzag Paper Cutters (Big Zigzag Frame Rectangle and Tiny Zigzag Rectangles) by Chrissy W ,Kindred Spirits, Kindred Spirits Alpha and Button Box 06 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Funky Flowers by Laura White (Princesslala). Fonts are You Are Loved and KGD Amber Print by Kimberly Geswein.

Enabling: Don't Be Square 8.5x11 Portrait Templates and Zigzag Paper Cutters by Chrissy W available here and here, Kindred Spirits and Button Box 06 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and here, the Kindred Spirits alphabet was a crop freebie last night but I am sure it will be added to the Divine Digital store soon (I will update when it is) and Funky Flowers by Laura White (Princesslala) available here. As for the fonts You Are Loved can be found here but KGD Amber Print was a paid for font and Kimberly doesn't design anymore so you can't buy that one anymore sorry.

Candy Jar Challenge 6

One of my goals for myself this year was to take part in more digital scrapbooking challenges. I quite often found myslef downloading mini kits and templates with the intention to take part in certain challenges and then not getting around to it. To be honest I felt like this was bad for a lot of reasons but mainly because
1. I was spending time downloading things,
2. Those downloads were then taking up valuable space on my harddrive,
3. They were being forgotten about,
4. I was spending too much time trying to find something to be inspired by when I already had some really cool inspiration right there on my machine just waiting to be used,
5. I felt like I was doing wrong by the designers. They had taken the time to make this stuff and host a challenge and I had never gotten around to letting them see their work in use. I used to host challenges when I was on the CT for dedicated2digital. I would spend time creating something I thought would inspire people and then see one or two people take the time to participate and it honestly used to depress me that I was making all that effort and no-one wanted to take part. I never got why no-one could be bothered to make a layout for a cool prize. I was only on the one CT at this point I spent the majority of my time on UKScrappers and I never knew how vast the digital scrapbooking industry was. You learn a lot in 2 years lol. This year I thought that if it appeals enough to me to take the time and effort to download, unzip, tag in acdsee, I need to make the time to actually scrap with it. I want the designers to know that I appreciate the time they are taking and I want to do more with my own scrapping time than just download, unzip and tag files. This year I want to try and start justifying why I have so much stash lol. So on that note the first challenge that I have requested the mini kit for, downloaded and actually scrapped with is for the 6th Candy Jar challenge at Digital Candy hosted by Angela Niehaus. The Candy Jar challenge requires you to use all of the items provided in the "candy jar" this time there was three papers, a fibre, a brad, a blank journal strip, a torn flower, a frame and a flower doodle. You can use anything else you want as well. Completing it earns you 20 Candy Points. Here's the layout I made. (I have no idea why it has come out slightly distorted it's never done that before on here oh well if you want to see it as it should look you can always go look at it in the gallery at Digital Candy here will have to check my blog settings and see if I have knocked anything or maybe it's just because I am posting on Mark's Craptop lol)

Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (Mini Me Brag Book Template 7), Candy Jar 6 by Angela Niehaus and Beachcomber Alpha Brushes by Mary Ann Wise. Fonts are DJB Lorraine bold by Darcy Baldwin and Vrinda.

Enabling: Mini Me Brag Book by Chrissy W available here, Beachcomber Alpha Brushes by Mary Ann Wise available here. You can pick up the Candy Jar 6 by registering at Digital Candy going to the Candy Jar Challenge thread (linked above) and then sending a private message to Angela for the download link. This challenge runs until January 24th.

Have nothing much to say today

I could tell you how I spent my day but I don't think it's really suitable for my blog lol. Let's just say that snuggling with the hubby is much more interesting than fighting with him lol. I think it may have finally dawned on him that his actions were going to make him lose the two people who adore him even when he is being a pig lol. It's been a nice day I like to be held close, I like it when I glance over and he is giving me that smile that says he likes what he sees, it's just that look that says he loves me. I don't know why the sudden change and I don't really care being content is good, you know what they say make love not war lol. So anyway I have a layout to share using Royanna's new kit Kindred Spirit, I meant to post about it before but I forgot lol. It was this week's Divine Diva Deal at Divine Digital. If your wondering what that is, every week a kit is featured for the whole week at a special price of $2 on wednesday night at 10pm EST (Yes that is 3am in the morning for me lol) Royanna also has next week's Divine Diva Deal My Life, My Love that will be $2 until next wednesday. Right enough rambling onto the layout.

Credits: Layered Template (Blog Freebie Template 1) and Paper Cutters Scallops (Huge Scallop Paper) by Chrissy W, Kindred Spirits and Gettin Floral 01 Overlays and Gettin Floral 03 Overlays by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Alpha Masks with Class Alpha Brushes by Shandy Vogt. Font is Papyrus.

Enabling: Blog Freebie Template 1 and Paper Cutters Scallops by Chrissy W available here and here, Kindred Spirits, Gettin Floral Overlays 01 Overlays and Gettin Floral Overlays 03 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here, here and here and Alpha Masks with Class Alpha Brushes by Shandy Vogt available here.

Well that was quite a bit for nothing much to say lol. Back later i'm going to try and get some sleep the insomnia is starting to get annoying but I refuse to get fed up about it today.

Absolutely gutted!!!

My camera fell off the shelf earlier and I checked it over and felt very relieved that it appeared to be fine. I just got the sudden idea to photograph something (yes I know it's 6:02am I get notions at bizarre times) and right now I want to cry. The image stabalization that I have come to rely on is screwed. It's ok if I keep the camera upright in portrait or landscape but any over the top shots are a definate no go. I take a lot of shots like that because I put things on my desk move the lamp and photograph them over the top it's easier than trying to stand them up and move all the crap on my desk lol. I do have other cameras but none of them are anywhere near the quality this one does. The biggest problem I have is if that doesn't work what else doesn't. I am really fed up about it. It's kind of my fault as well which makes it worse. I had the camera on my new tripod I wanted to see how I had to arrange it to make it stand up, I played with it for quite a while because it kept looking like it was tipping over then I finally thought I had it right and it looked really stable and then it just toppled off. Now the tripod is taunting me because it's standing perfectly upright and I could quite happily snap it's legs off lol. The 5 Mega Pixel Camera is ok and so is the 6 Mega Pixel but they eat batteries I can only get a few shots on rechargeable batteries before they decide not to work anymore. My camera lasts for days and sometimes weeks on one set of rechargables. The 3 Mega Pixel is reliable but the pictures look so crappy after mine. *sigh* I guess I will just have to keep my fingers crossed that there is nothing else wrong with it and have the vague hope that maybe it will work itself out like the 5 Mega Pixel did after I dropped that one on the concrete.

Ride! Layout

Credits: Layered template by FreestyleMama Creations (Actions Live, Love, Laugh Paint Template with Ride wordart), Frame from Casual Friday by Shmooangel and Birthday POP by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Font is JPaige_TonyPrint by Jeanelle Paige.

Enabling: Actions Live, Love, Laugh Templates by FreestyleMama Creations available here, Casual Friday by Shmooangel available here, Birthday POP by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and JPaige TonyPrint font available here

Climb! Layout

Credits: Layered template by FreestyleMama Creations (Actions Live, Love, Laugh - Climb Template), Explore Your World 1 and Button Box 02 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Font is JPaige_TonyPrint by Jeanelle Paige.

Enabling: Actions Live, Love, Laugh Templates by FreestyleMama Creations available here, Explore Your World 1 and Button Box 02 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann is available here and here and the JPaige_TonyPrint font by Jeanelle Paige is available here.

Jump! Layout.

Credits: Layered template by FreestyleMama Creations (Actions Live, Love, Laugh - Jump Template), Paper Cutters Zigzag by Chrissy W (Pinking Edge) and 4The Boyz - Playtime by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Font is JPaige_TonyPrint by Jeanelle Paige.

Enabling: Actions Live, Love, Laugh Templates by FreestyleMama Creations available here, Paper Cutters ZigZag by Chrissy W available here, 4TheBoyz - Playtime by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and the JPaige_TonyPrint font is available here.

No layout yet today but I did make a card

Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (Speedy Greetings Template 2), Stroke of Midnight by Annie Manning (Paint The Moon) and Jofia Devoe and Alpha with Pizazz shadowed by Christina Renee.

Enabling: Speedy Greetings Layered Templates by Chrissy W available here, Stroke Of Midnight by Annie Manning (Paint The Moon) and Jofia Devoe available here and Alpha with Pizazz shadowed I think came with this kit Cocktail Hour by Christina Renee and Amy Hutchinson (Ah! Designs) but I could be wrong my Christina Renee file is huge and in desperate need of organizing.

A layout for Nan

Credits: Layered template (Just The Two Of Us Template 4) and Scallop Paper Cutters (Huge Scallop Edge) by Chrissy W and A Mother's Love Collection - Soft by Amanda Rockwell. Fonts are DJB Kylie2 and DJB For Annie by Darcy Baldwin and Vivaldi.

Enabling: Just The Two Of Us Layered Templates and Scallop Paper Cutters available here and here, A Mother's Love Collection by Amanda Rockwell is now retired. DJB Kylie2 and DJB For Annie are available here and here. No idea where Vivaldi came from though sorry.

Today's layout

I haven't done anything at all today, I have been asleep all day long. I am really starting to get fed up with being ill but today was nothing to do with being ill it was a mixture of migraine, pain killers and lack of sleep last night. I feel much better now that I have had some decent sleep but I really need to make the doctors appointment soon.
Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (I'm no square 8.5x11 landscape template 2 flipped horizontally), Knowledge Journey by Royanna Lea Fritschmann, Wordart by Dani Mogstead and Messy Staples Neutrals by Kate Hadfield. Font is Patient Paige by Kimberly Geswein.

Enabling:I'm no square 8.5x11 layered templates by Chrissy W available here, Knowledge Journey by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here, Messy Staples Neutrals by Kate Hadfield available here. I can't remember where I picked up the wordart by Dani Mogstead.You can find Patient Paige by Kimberly Geswein here.

Why is it

that the layouts that seem to take forever to finish are the ones that I am always not entirely pleased with in the end lol. I never know what exactly is bugging me about them though. Oh well at least it's finished now, I might rescrap the photo when the mood takes me though because I think it's cute.

Journalling reads: Whenever we buy gifts for you, we buy a helium balloon to release for Leo. I take you to the park and we light a candle and sing Twinkle Twinkle little star as we let it go. When I went to buy one for Christmas you wanted one too. All they had left was this ugly Christmas one and a plain black one. I bought them both andyou were thrilled that you had your very own balloon. When we released Leo’s you even told him all about it. I thought it was socute that you were so busy playing with it you forgot it was thenight for Santa to come. You went to sleep holding onto it’s string.

Credits:Layered template by Chrissy W (I'm No Square 8.5x11 Landscape Template 4), My Favourite Boy Combo by Jill D-Zines and Journalling Prompt December by Leora Sanford. Fonts are DJB Erika by Darcy Baldwin and TM Mama Wresh Pen by Terry Maruca.

Enabling:I'm No Square 8.5x11 Landscape Templates by Chrissy W available here, My Favourite Boy Combo by Jill D-Zines available here, Journalling Prompt December by Leora Sanford available here, Fonts are both pay for DJB Erika by Darcy Baldwin is available here (it's free with the brag book templates) and TM Mama Wresh Pen is available here.

Finally started scrapping Christmas

This is the first one I have made, I'm thinking it might make a good cover page, but I love that photo of him so much I have no doubt I will scrap it at again at least once lol.
Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (Forum Challenge 2 8.5x11) and Xmas Magic by Hollie Haradon (Holliewood Studios) and Annie Manning (Paint The Moon). Fonts are Love Ya Like A Sister by Kimberly Geswein and CS Funkybet by Carrie Stephens.

Enabling: The template is currently free over at Digital Candy it' s January's template challenge with Chrissy and being the lovely lady that she is, the template comes as 8.5x11 (what I used) and 12x12 so two templates for the bargain price of free lol. Xmas Magic by Hollie Haradon (Holliewood Studios) and Annie Manning (Paint The Moon) is available here, CS Funkybet was a pay for font by Carrie Stephens you can still pick it up if you hurry over here the store closes on the 15th January and just because I think this font rocks you can pick up Love Ya Like A Sister and all of Kimberly Geswein's other free fonts right here.

It's pouring down outside and Mark will be home any minute, he's promised to bath Lukas so I might even be back later with another layout.

PayPerPost

Have you heard about this company? PayPerPost is all about spreading the word out about companies via blogs. Basically they want bloggers to write about their opinions of certain products and services, and they offer cash incentives as your reward. I saw them advertised on some of the blogs I regularly visit and it seemed a bit too good to be true being given money to make blog posts. My little brain started whirring away and my female logic came up with blogging about certain subjects = $$$, $$$ = more stash lol. So from the way I see it I am earning more digital stash to add to my collection by doing what I do best, rambling away on my blog. How cool is that! So over I went and signed up thinking there would be loads of forms and details I would have to provide but it was really simple. A few digital scrappers must have been thinking along the same lines that I was because I have seen PayPerPost logos on Heather Manning's blog and on Kristine (Wenchd Grafix's) blog. After signing up I got to thinking, It's very clever marketing on their part because they are tapping into something people are already doing without trying. How many times have you seen me writing about things I love on this blog, linking to sites that I love. I am giving these sites advertising and site traffic simply because I think they rock. I can't wait to check out all the things they have for me to blog about, after all it's got to be better than reading yet another, sorry I haven't posted for a while or Mark is a pig blog post lol.
blog reviews

Let's talk addictions

I admit I have a bit of an addictive personality, I buy something and I want the whole set I hate to buy Papers without Elements and vice versa. If I find a designer I like I am only content when there entire store resides on my hard drive. I hate having kits missing from my collections. If I see something I like I buy it in as many different varities as I can find until I get bored and move onto something else or until I own all of the available ones. So do you want to know my biggest addictions? I am a digi scrap hoarder, I scrap a lot but no where near quick enough or in vast enough quantities to account for my stash of digital goodies. So on that topic I will tell you exactly what I have the biggest weaknesses for. Alpha Brushes and Layered Templates are easily my biggest weaknesses. Closely followed by my new addiction to wordart and gorgeous papers. I wonder if I will be able to change any of my bad spending habits this year? (now where's that smiley that is violently shaking it's head No, No, No lol) I am going to try though. I also have an addiction to music I love to listen to that or audiobooks while I scrap, so more decent music means less time spent having to look for a decent cd that isn't scratched. I love my ipod I plugged it into an old set of speakers and it just plays away to itself without me having to do anything, or at least it does when I remember to charge it up lol. I have a weakness as far as clothes are concerned as well or more accurately shoes, I love shoes. Can't wear them for very long without wanting to cry because of the pain in my hips but I have quite a collection platfroms being my absolute favourite because I hate heels but I love height. I don't own a really comfortable pair of shoes but I do have quite a few different pairs that I can wear for a while. I buy quite a few clothes because I am still searching for the elusive perfect outfit. Wondering what that is? A top that doesn't ride up, or show too much cleavage with long sleeves that can be pushed up and will actually stay up without cutting off the blood flow lol. A pair of trousers that are long enough (not a very common find unfortunately) tall ones are too long, normal ones are too short, that don't have buttons or a zip because they hurt my stomach where my scars are but a pair that doesn't have a fully elasticated waist or huge gigantic pockets that make no sense, they also need to not slide down constantly or have that awful fabric change (denim to lycra is a bad idea!!) I learnt that from maternity jeans if you are wondering, they come apart at the seams! I would also be ecstatic if they came without belt loops of if they have them that they didn't come off I have lots of jeans with holes in them where the belt loops have caught on something. A pair of knickers that do not ride up my backside while sitting at the desk, that are large enough not to cut off the circulation but small enough to not resemble granny pants or a parachute from the local army surplus store lol. A bra that pushes the boobs up with trying to shove them far enough up to make them escape the confines of their cage, without underwire because that cuts under my arms and in a perfect world with no lacy crap on them to make my tops looks awful (bumpy bras anyone) or to make me want to rip me skin off lol. Finished off with a gorgeous pair of platforms or boots that do not hurt. See I have unattainable goals, what I want never exists and then the substitutes just take up more and more space before eventually they over run all available space and I end up well right here roflmao. Tomorrow (or later if I get around to it) I will tell you about my obsessive behaviour especially the behaviour to do with digital stash and my attempts at organising that stash.

Today's layout

I've just finished this one, and it really made me think how many important events I need to scrap about still. I am very greatful for my little blog when it comes to trying to journal about things and I am especially greatful when it comes to the rescue and saves my butt because Mark never bothered to change the date on the camera and it reads some random date like 1st January 2003 (um no those were taken in 2006 when Lukas started school) I like to date my photos, because it helps me remember why I am scrapping them it's kind of oh yeah September/October 2006 that would be Lukas's first year at school kind of thing. (Actually as you can see he never actually went to school until November because he started after the half term and he was ill for the first week back but that's a whole other layout lol). But I think I have rambled enough let's get on with the showing bit. My photography has improved a whole lot since these photos were taken but the top photo in particular was taken with the old camera and let's just simply say I didn't have as much of a handle on either the functionality of the camera or my own person bribery tactics as a parent. I have learnt a lot and by the time I took the second one it was almost close to be not blurry, what can I say the rapid shot function on my new camera is my very best friend lol and you can't go wrong with a combination of chocolate, trades and threatning every punishment you can think of if they don't sit still lol. I personally think that those peace organisations should try bargaining with a 5 year old before they moan that they have difficult jobs, all they are aiming for is world peace bet that's a lot easier than a little kid sitting still for long enough to take a 1st day of school or last day of school picture lol.
Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (Just The Two Of Us Template 3), 1st Day Jitters by Kate Hadfield and Ashley Olson and Just Another Memory by Jessica Bolton. Font is Cheryl.

Since I am unsure if you can read it journalling reads: When you started school you were so excited. You couldn't wait to ready for another school day.That novelty wore off after a few days, you moaned about getting up in the morning, and made every little thing take so long to complete. It didn't take long for you to assert your own independace and refuse to wear a white top to school, you would only wear blue ones. I saw a lot of changes in you in your first year of school. Some were not so good and some were great but when it comes to school photographs, you are still a fidget who can't or won't stand still. It's nice to see some things never change!

Enabling: Just The Two Of Us Layered Templates available here, 1st Day Jitters by Ashley Olson and Kate Hadfield is no longer available and Just Another Memory by Jessica Bolton is no longer available either (actually I think that one just might have been a newsletter freebie but not sure.

Right I am off to try and get some sleep, yeah I know I will more than likely be back because I can't but a girl's gotta try, especially since this particular girl fully intends on avoiding her mummy duties for much more fun scrapping orientated ones until the dh leaves for work at 4pm tomorrow, although I will happily settle for the much more probable hour or two at maximum I will get before they wake up before I spend every available minutes seperating them, shouting at them and nagging at least one of them to pick up something from the floor. Oh the joys of living with a pig and 5 year old lol.

it's come to my attention

that some people may actually be reading my blog lol. It's also suddenly occured to me that sometimes when I write blog posts I write them like I am posting on a messageboard oops lol. See what I mean, so I thought a quick list of the common abbreviations I use might help. If it doesn't help anyone out it will at least serve as a reminder to my senile brain (which is already well on it's way to being around full time) of what I was typing actually moaning about.
lol = laugh out loud, I use it when I just want to try and laugh at the situation I am typing about that little lol is usually my attempt at humour (or at least making the situation not look as crappy as it actually is)
rofl = rolling on the floor laughing, or pml = peeing myself laughing I use those when I actually do think something was very funny there isn't an attempt at sarcasm there (well usually lol)
dh = usually on messageboard the d stands for dear or darling on here it usually stands for dumbass, dirty, or some other deragatory term about my husband because if you read this you all know what he's like. I make no attempt to try and pretend I have a perfect marriage or a perfect life, or that my husband is anything but a pig most of the time.
I can't think of any others I use often, if I am talking about websites there is usually a link in the post somewhere.
I believe on occasion I may have used the term BIL = usually means brother in law over here i'm not usually that nice about Mark's brother and his wife they are the beastly in laws or the much less polite term that I don't want to type lol.
Along the same lines MIL usually means monster in law not mother in law and that bloody old perv means the father in law.
But if anyone does read anything and they aren't sure what the heck I am on about email me or leave me a comment, I would be happy to try and explain where my rambling mind took me lol.

Sharing my 1st layout of 2008

I decided to start sharing my layouts here on my blog again, at least posting them gives me something to talk about lol. So here is my first layout of 2008, Lukas's Thank You card for sending to everyone who bought him gifts or gave him cash for christmas.
Credits: Layered template by Chrissy W (Just The Two Of Us Template 1) and Festivities by Amy Hutchinson (Ah! Designs), O.N Designs and Angela and Emily Powers (Two Sisters Designs), Greetings Set 1 by April Staker and Glitter styles by Flergs.

Enabling:Just The Two Of Us Layered Templates by Chrissy W available here, Festivities Collaboration by Amy Hutchinson (Ah! designs), O.N Designs and Angela and Emily Powers (Two Sisters Designs) available here, Greetings Set 1 by April Staker available here and Glitter Styles by Flergs were a previous freebie here

First off I just wanted to say

Happy New Year and share a card I made.

So I could start with an apology

for not blogging for a while, but why bother. I mean honestly no-one reads my blog so it's like apologising to myself, and since I seem to spend my life apologising for one thing or another or taking the crap from other people doing things wrong I figure that I should be able to not apologise to myself. But yet I still have the desire to do it. I still want to apologise for my inability to make time to do the one thing that helps me keep my sanity. I'm angry with myself for not finding the few minutes I day it takes to keep some record of how I have spent my crappy existance on that day. As you can tell I am not in the best mood today. I am sad, I am depressed, I am angry but most of all I am hurting. After having the crappiest Christmas and Birthday that I can ever remember all I want is for this stupid year to finally be over. 2007 has been utterly overwhelming, I feel like I have had my heart ripped into tiny shreds, the irony is this year shouldn't have been as hard as previous ones we have been through worse yet this one feels like it's taken more of a toll on my soul than the others. Maybe I am just tired out from everything in previous years and it's finally all gotten too much. 2007 should have been remembered as being the year I got married, that's supposed to be a good thing. But for me 2007 hasn't been about the positive stuff when I think of my wedding I don't think of it as the happiest day of my life I think of it as the day when life as I know it stopped, it was the day that I stopped being a daughter, I stopped being a grandaughter but I didn't become a wife. Things didn't work the way they were supposed to. I miss my family, I hate that I haven't seen my new baby sister, I can't stand that I wasn't there to help my brother and his partner deal with the one thing I actually understand when they lost their baby as his big sister and someone whose been through it I should have been able to help them. I feel like a failure. But the worst part isn't that I don't have my family, it's that the reason I don't have them is a wedding to a man who didn't even buy me a christmas card, with a father for a guest who doesn't even remember my birthday. I lost my family for two selfish pigs called Mark who I obviously don't matter a bit to. Is it really that difficult to pick up the phone and say happy birthday?, is it really that hard to remember to buy a card? I don't think so, and it makes me feel sad. I could never forget any of my babies birthdays. I could never go out of my way to make another humna being miserable yet they can and do with ease. Maybe my new years resolution should be to not give a damn about anyone or anything and be more like the people I love, maybe if they had a taste of their own medicine they might realise why I spend a lot of my nights of insomnia crying and writing this little blog. But I can't because it's not in my nature. Right now I would quite happily trade anything for just a small amount of the indifference they feel because I would just love to know how it feels to not be heartbroken even if only for a minute, because for them not even mattering enough to warrant a card is no big deal and I am jealous. All this emotion is draining, I am tired out from being disappointed that no-one gives a damn about my feelings and I am tired out from the knowledge I can't stop them from hurting me and I can't stop myself from getting hurt and the only option I seem to have open to me is to carry on doing the same shit over and over again year after year. What a depressing thought *sigh* maybe I will feel more positive in about 21 hours when 2007 is finally over and we can start off on a new page called 2008.

I know that I am batty

but I think that the bat part must be a fruit bat lol. It's not even 1 o'clock yet and I have already had kiwi fruit, orange juice, and oranges. I love fruit and vegetables so I don't have to really try to eat them but when there is two bowls within reaching distance it's hard to resist eating them lol. Now I just have to find a way to make the fruit bowls as appealing to Mark as the junk food box is because let's face it I will never be able to make him love fruit. I always remember us having loads of fruit at Christmas time my mum never seemed to buy it any other time but Nan made her at Christmas, Nan never has a empty fruit bowl and it's one of the reasons I love being here so much. I'm slowly finding that my Christmas Spirit is tied to the familiar things about the season as well as being mixed up with the new stuff I am trying to make it special. I'm still struggling with the whole being festive concept, it's not made any easier by being so ill. I am tired out and the constant coughing isn't helping at all. I have to wrap all Lukas's presents today and I have a couple of things to finish off making so it's going to be a busy day. I could really do with a couple of hours more sleep lol. But that is just not going to happen so it's about making the best of it. Trying to be happy and hoping that it will all work out ok.

Just got back from Lukas's school play

The teacher said at the end that she could see some of the parents wiping tears away and wasn't that sweet, I was wiping tears of laughter away do you think that counts?
Lets start with the line that made me giggle, although to my credit I did manage not to laugh out loud.
Little kid: "Sparkle was the brightest star in all the sky"
Lukas "No it isn't my Leo is"
Yep entirely my fault that one when I explained about Leo going to heaven I told him that Leo was a star in the sky. Having no clue which star was which or how I could point out just one that he would always be able to see, I told him Leo is always the star which looks the brightest to you, he's watching from up above and he shines brightest for you because he wants you to know that he is there.

He followed this up with a tiny row with the teacher sat next to him because she confiscated his star he was wearing. He kept taking it off because he wanted to chew the string on it and she didn't want him to do that so she took the star away and he wanted it back.

The funniest part for me was when he saw me afterwards trying to get at least one photo that wasn't pants and he told the little girl stood right in fron of him "will you move, my mum's trying to take pictures" lol. That's my boy alright. He was a lot better this year than last year he joined in some of the songs (not that I even knew he was going to be singing, I never know anything he's done at school. It's my job to be a proud mummy even if I am only proud that he didn't cause a major scene, that he never tried to get up and wonder off or that he didn't cry to come home when he saw me. You've come a long way baby, and I am one very proud mummy. It's just a shame that the pictures aren't any good. I can't see a way to make them salvageable. Oh well there's always next year lol.

This just doesn't seem to be our Christmas does it

Mark got a phone call earlier from David, his mum has been rushed into hospital. The only details we know are that Mark's dad had to call an ambulance (they live a few minutes from the hospital so it must have been bad) and she was severly dehydrated. Mark is being his usual self, doesn't seem very bothered but I do think he's hurt the only person his Dad bothered to phone was his sister Julie. Julie phoned David and then David called Mark. Nan's been back to the hospital today they wanted to admit her but agreed that she could do what they wanted to do at home, she has more prescriptions from them including a painkiller gel for her leg. I also happen to think that Christmas should be renamed the season of hypocrites, this morning I received a Christmas card in the post. It was addressed to Mr and Mrs C Blake. I thought that was pretty odd since only people who actually came to our wedding were aware that Mark took my name. I opened it to find a card from my Grandma (on my dad's side). She was invited to the wedding, and chose not to come even though my dad offered to bring her, the wedding card she sent only had my name on it same as the christmas card I received last year only had my name on it, which I found pretty insulting since she knew I was getting married to Mark and we have been a couple for 6 years but I never said anything. I sent her a thank you card and some wedding cake after my wedding, I know she had to have got it because I sent it recorded delivery so she had to sign for it, if she wasn't in it would have been returned to me because it was perishable, she never even let me know she had received it. But anyway I am getting away from the point which is that she hasn't bothered with me all year. When I opened the card I was even more annoyed, it was addressed to Crystal and David, yes I did say David. My husband is called Mark not difficult to remember since it's also my Dad's name is it. There was a card for Lukas (cheap, nasty and winnie the pooh) and a cheque for £30. No note or anything. I don't want her bloody money. I would have been a lot happier with a phone call occasionally. Or heck even for her to answer my phone calls or letters, but she doesn't because she's always been friendly with my mum. She chooses my mum over her own kids and I have no clue why. I haven't heard anything from my Dad since I rung him and reminded him that he had forgotten his grandson's birthday and he sent him a card and with cash in it. That was August. What is it with my family they think that they can throw money at people a couple of times a year and that's enough. But it's not just her and my dad, why is it everyone can go the whol year without acknowledging my existance and then send me a cheque/cash because it's christmas? Every year I am naive enough to believe that this year has to be better than the last one, and every year something happens and I am proved wrong. If we didn't have Lukas I might well do a Madonna and abandon the whole idea of Christmas.

Been a really crappy day!

Nan had yet another doctor's appointment today, her leg is still no better and the doctor made the decision that she needed to be admitted to hospital for treatment. The doctor called the hospital and amazed Nan by saying that she was sending a patient up to them, explained the issues with Nan's leg and then casually remarked that she also had double pneumonia but they thought that was under control with the antibiotics she was already on. I meant to post the other day but I forgot on Nan's last trip to the doctors (wednesday if your wondering), they told her that she had pleurisy. The chest infection has been an ongoing thing for weeks yet even after I think 4 sets of x-rays no-one thought to tell her what the problem was. Much to her annoyance she packed her suitcase and got Lisa to take her up there. Mark had to go to work so I was left alone to explain to Lukas where Nan was. I didn't even think before I said she was in hospital,he burst into tears. I gave him a cuddle and asked why he was crying, he told me that "when people go to hospital they die like my Leo". My heart nearly broke hearing him say that he's 5 years old and he's got the idea in his head that everyone who goes into hospital doesn't come back. Now I am suddenly understanding his reluctance to go to sleep when Mark is at work - he thinks Mark's going to die and not come back. When I told him that Nan was in the hospital where Daddy worked his sobs eased off a bit. He managed to get out "that's better, daddy's hospital is good, daddy comes home" before he went upstairs to be on his own. I just don't know what to do when he comes out with things like this. He's my son through and through when something bothers him he retreats inside himself. He doesn't want to be talked to or hugged he just wants to be alone. He's also a lot stronger physically than I am and when he doesn't want to be hugged there's nothing I can do to change his mind. We were both shocked a couple of hours later when we heard the front door, wondering who the heck it was we wondered downstairs to see and saw Nan. Apparently the hospital was absolutely filthy and after taking some bloods, writing up a few prescriptions (to be collected tomorrow I think) they decided that the best course of treatment was to send her home and for her to go daily to the clinic for some treatment. Am I the only one who thinks this is absolutely crazy? They didn't give her any painkillers or anything, dumbasses told her to take asprin she's always been told previously that she can't take asprin, I think because it reacts badly with one of her other medications but I can't remember exactly. What they did do was cover her leg in vaseline, don't ask me why I haven't a clue, Nan said something about her skin being dry but who am I to try and understand the mystery that is modern medicine. Good job I didn't go to the hospital with her, I might have been inclined to point out that she was there for a severe infection in the vein, a possible thrombosis and that the dry skin was the least of her worries. I honestly can't believe how shitty she has been treated the 1st doctor she saw when this started talked to her like she was senile or something. Everyone seems to be of the opinion that because she's old it doesn't matter if they do nothing since she isn't going to live much longer anyway. It drives me insane. I refuse to go to the doctors with her anymore because I always feel inclined to punch the doctor for talking down to her like she's a toddler and slapping her for letting them get away with it. She's not exactly a shy retiring old dear, I honestly don't understand why in the prescence of a doctor she lets them treat her like crap and dismiss her without a second thought. *sigh* I could rant for hours about dumb doctors.Today I have a list of stuff a mile long to get done and I haven't been to bed because I am hurting bad. Sounds like it's going to be a productive day all around doesn't it between worrying about Nan, feeling crappy and trying not to bang Lukas and Mark's heads together when they start the inevitable weekend task of bickering with each other constantly about anything and everything.

Stupid Stupid Stupid

Only an idiot would manage to do what I just did. I saved over the top of one of my layouts because I opened the wrong template. I am so frustrated with myself for being such a damn idiot. The layout caused me lots of headaches because I kept making silly mistakes I think the part that annoyed me the most is the one I saved over was one I was intending to print for Lukas, so I need to remake it. *Sigh* just another thing that I need to add to my to do list.

Do you ever get that

how the hell did that happen feeling? Earlier today I realised that it's less than 3 weeks until my 23rd birthday. I really don't understand where this year has gone to. But then I guess that applies to everything was it really 2 years ago that I turned 21? or 5 years ago that Lukas came to my 18th Birthday party? I seem to think quite often i've got ages before.............. and then all of a sudden it's the day before and nothing is done, then I am running around like a headless chicken trying to get organized. That's how I end up making pillowboxes for Lukas's class the night before they needed to go to school. That's why it's the 11th December and I still haven't even wrote out a Christmas Card, I haven't bought a single gift and basically I am starting to feel a little overwhelmed by all the stuff I am being pressured to get done by Nan. Every sentance seems to end with "it's got to be done before christmas". I quite often just feel like saying Why? I am tired out, I feel really ill and I am utterly fed up and miserable. I can't wait for it all to be over. Roll on the new year so I can try and get back to something resembling normal.

Giving the gift that keeps on giving - Chickens

Yes I know with every post I make lately you get more and more convinced that I have lost my mind completely. But with a bit of explanation today's will make sense I promise. To help you understand a bit better you need a bit of background on Lukas's school. Lukas goes to Pegasus school and they have a program (that I don't completely understand) with another school in Africa. Over the school holidays some of the teachers went over there to help out. Through the year every fundraising event the school does they donate a proportion of the money to this other school. Tonight we went to Lukas's Christmas Fete along with all the usual sales and games we found some really interesting things like a Santa's Grotto (£1.50 and Lukas got a little present), The nativity petting zoo (£0.50 each to see donkeys, sheep etc) and then we stumbled across a table covered in cards. On closer inspection we saw that these cards were a gift for christmas to give to someone else.
The card reads:I've given you some chickens for Christmas, but you don't have to look after them! They've been given to Nakanyonyi Primary School, near Jinja in Uganda. The Chickens' eggs will feed orphans and some will be sold to buy pencils and exercise books for the school. So............ your present is bringing happiness to lots of children in Uganda and, I hope, to you too! Happy Christmas. Your voucher is on the back of the card.
The voucher says: £1.00 voucher, the money raised from the sale of this voucher will be used solely for the purpose of purchasing chickens for Nakanyonyi Primary School.
They had three different "vouchers" for sale £1.00 bought 5 chickens, £10.00 bought 100 chickens and I think the other one was £25 bought 1000 chickens but I could be slightly wrong on the last one. We bought 5 chickens and no I don't intend to gift them to someone, I just felt like doing some charitable and cute Lukas's school got £1, the other school got 5 chickens and me well I got the satisfaction of knowing we had done something nice for someone else and something new to scrap about lol.

Sometimes it's about taking one for the team

it's about finding that one thing that you have to offer that can make someone else's day, it's about finding those sacrifices that you are willing to make. It can be something as simple as not moaning about the incessant sport just to keep the peace for a little while or something as hard as making a decision that you don't completely agree with just because there are bigger things you need to argue about. I told you yesterday that I feel like I am fighting a war in my head, fighting myself well sometimes in order to win you have to concede a few defeats. Today I think I may have lost some ground with myself but in doing so I think I have levelled the playing field for tomorrow. But I guess there's no way to know for sure except to wait and see. *sigh* sometimes I wish life came with a road map so at least I knew where I was trying to go but i'd settle for an instruction manual.

Confused and miserable

There are so many things going on in my head, I feel utterly miserable and like I am at war with myself, being pulled in so many directions that one day I will just be torn to shreds. I wish there was some way to just make peace with myself but I can't see one. When you throw in the directions that everyone else is pulling me in I wonder how I am still in one piece.Before anyone goes searching through my blog to see what I am talking about, don't bother up until now I have done all the fighting inside my head. I have argued with myself over all of it but now I have reached breaking point and I need an outlet. When I reached my breaking point of sadness when Leo died I turned to scrapbooking. I needed a release, I needed to preserve his memory, I needed to create something. Now what I need is a different release I need somewhere to offload some of the things onto to, I need to be able to make space in my head, I need to see the problems clearer so I can try and find a way to fix them without losing myself along the way, I need to find a way to recover all of myself that I have already lost but most of all I just need somewhere to vent and that's why I have a blog. It may not seem like much but this little old blog has helped me a great many times. It has saved my sanity, and been my reference point when I have felt lost. It's helped me remember things that would have otherwise been lost. Words are my saviour but today they seem to have deserted me. I can't find the words and without the words I can't find the inner peace I am so desperate to find.

Hi ho hi ho it's off to shop we go

first up we went to Cowley Centre and picked up a few bits, then into Oxford City Centre and bought Lukas some new clothes and then onto Milton Keynes. It's the best day we have had in a long time,took Lukas to see two different Santa's, we took loads of photos including Lukas with Santa and Lukas with some guys dressed up as Dumbledore and Harry Potter, Lukas rode the carousel twice and we came home tired but content. The little guy came home with new clothes, new dvd's, new books, a watergun and a magic set from his visits to see Santa, a new teddy bear, a cuddly toy reindeer. I can't really remember what else I bought, I know that we have a framed photo of him on Santa's lap, a fidge magnet and a keyring. We ordered a newspaper front cover from them as well that has to be posted though and we even have a really nice photo of all of us with Santa that the lovely elf took with my camera. Lukas was completely wiped out and slept the whole way home and then crashed completely a little while after we got home. I am tired but I can't seem to sleep. We got completely soaked to the skin when the rain started and we tried out some items from the new Macdonalds seasonal menu which was so yummy we ended up ordering the same again when we got back to Oxford lol. I am rambling a bit I know but I am happy and that's what I do when I am happy the words trip over each other in eagerness to escape. I can't remember the last time we spent a day as a family and had a really nice time.We so needed this after the week we have had. I can't wait to scrap the photos we took, and I am excited I want to get everything down so I don't forget what a great day we had but my brain doesn't want to work right tonight because I am so tired. Hopefully this will jog my memory enough to journal about the day properly tomorrow lol.

Maybe there's a chance to put that Merry back into Christmas

Hey if I can cut my hand trying to remove a dead bulb from one of the Christmas Story books, knock a shelf off onto my foot while trying to remove the back of the cabinet so I could thread the wires behind it so that the kids couldn't accidently pull them off, have an allergic reaction to the Christmas tree, whack my hand with a hammer trying to put up a nail for the card holder, get a splinter while going out to the shed to look for the lost extension leads and do all this while being ill myself, Nan being ill and Lukas being ill then still get a content feeling from watching the Polar Express DVD with Lukas I guess that maybe there is hope for Christmas yet.

*sigh*

Yesterday was a strange old day, we were sad and miserable as to be expected. But we also put up the Christmas Tree, and started decorating the house. It felt so wrong to me to do it but we have always had all of our decorations up by the 1st December usually it's so they are up for my mum's birthday on the 4th. I can't get into any kind of christmas spirit. Nan is really poorly, when I was younger she had a serious problem with one of her legs and had to be admitted to hospital. It's much worse than she had it before but when she went to the doctors they just gave her a week's worth of antibiotics and sent her home. When she had it before they took her straight into hospital for some IV antibiotics. I am worried about her, she can hardly stand on her leg and it's swollen to about 2/3 times the usual size and it's very red and angry looking. Lukas is more ill than I have ever seen him before he can't stop coughing can hardly speak because his throat is so sore and has a constantly running nose. He gets a lot of coughs and colds but not usually like this he gets a nasty barking cough and that's it or he gets a runny nose never both at the same time. He's currently watching Cartoon network because he's too sick to sleep bless him. I have been asleep most of the day because I am wiped out from all the emotion of yesterday and I am in a lot of pain. I still have my stupid period and it's really heavy this time. I just feel utterly miserable with life and tomorrow I have to try and decorate the Christmas Tree, it takes almost the whole day pulling the branches out on it, adding the lights and then when that's done it's time to start the task of putting up all the other lights around the house. It's supposed to be a fun family activity but I just can't get motivated to be happy about it, truthfully it just seems like a waste of time and effort we aren't enjoying any of it because we feel ill but I guess the hope is once it's done seeing it will make us happier. I just wish I knew how to find some of that holiday spirit I used to have, I used to really love Christmas now I swing between being completely indifferent about it to despising it for all it's falseness and work it brings with it. There's not anything to look forward to with Christmas this year, there won't be any getting together with family since my mum still isn't talking to me , my dad can't even manage to pick up a phone and call me or write a letter, heck I would be thrilled with an email even and don't even get me started on Mark's family. There won't be any party on Boxing Day this year, so no getting dressed up and having fun to look forward to. We don't drink much so it's not like we could even look forward to doing that and being silly and to be completely honest even Lukas doesn't seem to be all that bothered this year. *sigh* if anyone has an spare Christmas Spirit they could lend me I really would appreciate it, catch you tomorrow after the tree is decorated. Maybe I will even bother to take photos of it to show you.

We played this at his funeral

and today it seems fitting to attempt to share a video I found on youtube

Today's post is a letter to my little angel

and before anyone emails me and thinks I have lost the plot. I know perfectly well that my little guy isn't alive, I haven't gone cuckoo but I figure if there is a god of some description watching my sweet angel boy in heaven they have the power to watch over the world, then heck they have the power to get the message however it happens to be conveyed some people pray I blog what can I say it's a lot cheaper than going to a medium lol.

It's three years ago tomorrow, well technically today since it's 2:39am that you went away and do you know what it still hurts me more than I can bear. Lukas is staying home from school so we can do something to remember you by, something more productive than sitting at home crying. I could cry from now until eternity but it won't change anything will it. Those tears will only make my heart raw from pain, my chest heave with sobs and my mind ache from the outpouring of emotion that if I start I will never be able to stop. Tomorrow we are going somewhere that is outside of these 4 walls, and believe me when I say we will be trying all day not to think of you. Does that sound cruel? I didn't mean it to, you are always in our hearts and on our minds not a day goes by where our deepest wish is not to have you here, but tomorrow is just one of those days that hurts that bit more. Just like your birthday does, and christmas does but tomorrow hurts most because tomorrow is not a day that would have been if you were here like the others we don't wonder what would you be doing now if you hadn't died like we do on the others because tomorrow is the one day that makes all the others unbearable, if tomorrow hadn't happened everything else would have. Everything except the tears, the hurt, the unimaginable soul destroying sorrow they wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been for tomorrow. I hate that tomorrow the pictures I see of you in my mind aren't the ones that I scrap, they aren't the ones we display for everyone to be reminded that you must never be forgotten, they are the images of your swollen body a reaction to the drugs they pumped into you in a pointless effort to make you better. The images of you poor red face, raw from the tape you were allergic to. The images of my beautiful baby boy who had changed into something I didn't recognise something that had tubes and wires everywhere. I would happily sacrifice anything to be able to remove those images from my mind to only see your soft brown fluffy hair and your gorgeous eyes open and looking at me, to see your beautiful delicate skin and your tiny little hands unmarked, to see you as my Leo. Lukas misses you so much, he cries all the time for you and it breaks my heart over and over again to see how much he is hurting. I hate tomorrow, because it makes me resent you, it makes me almost hate you for hurting us all so much. I feel so helpless tomorrow because I know that it's going to come next year, and the year after and it's never going to go away. Every year it will bring back all the bad feelings, the hurt and it's so hard to bear. I hope you understand why it hurts so much, why I hate it so much. I'll be ok afterwards it's easier to cope, it hurts just as much but it's not so overwhelming. I love you so much Leo and I hate that tomorrow makes my love for you hide beneath all the horrible emotions, I hate that tomorrow is the only day of the year I love you less because I can't remember how to just love you tomorrow. I only know how to hate what tomorrow is and hate what it does to me, I only know how to hurt tomorrow, and there's not a thing in the world that can kill that pain. I'm going to bed now little guy, I have a hard day tomorrow and let's face it I am not exactly the strongest person on a normal day, I need everything I am and then some for tomorrow. I love you with all my heart and soul little guy even if it doesn't sound like that right now. Please forgive me for anything I say in anger or pain tomorrow after all I am nothing but a mummy who is in pain xxx

The advent calendar for Artist's lol

So I was reading my google reader today and I spotted a very cool post by Hilmarose, she posted about a countdown to Christmas found here each day there will be a free download posted. I think this sounds very cool but since I really like advent calenders I am sure I will still find a way to add chocolate advent calenders to the trolley in tesco's for me and Lukas lol.

What happened to Sympathy?

I had another accident today, I slipped while getting out of the bath and really hurt myself. I went into our bedroom to lick my wounds (no not literally lol) Mark went to have his bath. I just got a right mouthful from Nan because apparently there was "puddles of water everywhere" in the bathroom, now tell me wouldn't you have assumed that any water that spilt from the bath when I fell would have been cleaned up by DH either before he got in the bath or after he got out? I so don't get how I deserved the crap I got from her for hurting myself, but then like I have said before everything seems to be my fault. Mark loses the remote and I am expected to know where it is, Nan has a problem and I am supposed to know how to fix it. A great example of that was her prescription, she comes in to me and says I have no tablets left she takes them every night I even do them all in her little medical box thing when I remember yet I am the one who is supposed to know that she needs more tablets. Her prescription needs to be put in at least 48 hours before collection (they prefer 72 hours), when we go back and pick up her prescription we have to take it to the chemist to collect it and they almost always have to give her the pathetic stock of them they have and order in the rest. Yes you would assume that since we use the same chemist every month they would order them in advance but what can I say the place is run by men there isn't an ounce of logic in the building lol. She usually tells me about her prescription either on a Friday so it can't even be put in until the Monday and obviously she's only got enough left to only just last or not last at all, or she tells me just after the surgery has closed for the day. Don't forget we are the only ones without a car to get around with because neither of us can drive yet we are the ones responsible for almost all her running around. I had a row with Mark because on Wednesday (Leo's Anniversary) Mark booked the day off to spend with me because we always try and do something special and now informs me he will be out all day because Nan needs bills paying at all different banks, she needs a prescription picking up and numerous other errands running that obviously she couldn't ask her precious Lisa to do in the car! But I do it all, I don't moan about it (well at least not to her) and I have even started solving the medications problem by removing one card of tablets from each box and putting them somewhere else, she then thinks she's run out and I have ample time to actually get Mark to put her presciption in, collect it and for the chemist order it ready to be collected. When she orders stuff off the shopping channel at stupid o'clock I am the fool who sits up for her to take the payment calls, and all I ever seem to get from her is crap so would someone please tell me why I even bother trying?

Did you miss me?

I bet you didn't lol. Wondering what I have been up to? Nope didn't think so but I am going to tell you anyway lol. Well I took a trip (I mean the kind only I can do where I end up on my bum lol) sprained my wrist and my and my ankle and got a lovely big gash across the bottom of my foot. I have had to reinstall my computer from scratch again and I picked up a few things in the Black Friday Sales. We don't celebrate Thanksgiving or Black Friday in the UK but who am I to not take advantage of some of the truly amazing Sales going on lol.

I finally caved and bought Traci Reed's Lightroom Presets, at a very cool 40% now I am wondering how I managed without them lol.
Pop Starrs Lightroom Preset Bundle
Dream Team Lightroom Presets Bundle

I picked up some new Tracy Blankenship templates at ScrapDish
Templates with Attitude 6x6 xmas albums sets 1 and 2

I went to ScrapArtist and picked up some Two Sisters Designs Stuff
La vie en paint Collection
Blessed: The Kit
FALLing into Art: The Kit
Beauty Marks Vol. 4
Beauty Marks Vol. 5
Beauty Marks Vol. 6
Beauty Marks Vol. 7
Beauty Marks Vol. 8
Sponge Strokes
Addy's Party Flowers
Journal Me Plenty
Live Free
W is for Watercolor: Bits and Pieces
Stitched Grids
Our Closet: The Basics-Collection 1
I already had the first 3 Beauty Marks Sets so I just got the missing ones, even though the complete collection is an absolute steal! They are retiring some items at 50% off this weekend is a 30% off sale at ScrapArtist so you get 50% off and then a further 30% off but all the retiring products will be gone on Monday!

I went to OScraps and picked up some Sue Cumming's wordart, and got a free gift for spending over $5.00
These two are part of Scrap Apple Subscription I have so they were free lol
"Scrap" Apple Inspirations *Special Edition {Christmas}
"Scrap" Apple Inspirations {Week 13}

From My Chalkboard {Christmas ABC's}
From My Sketchbook {Father}
From My Notebook - Mothers Day {Mum}
From My Notebook - Mothers Day
Special Offer {November 2007}

I also got a template and Grab Bag by Melanie Colosimo, the grab bag was free with any purchase.
Drip Drop - 2 Page Template
Black Friday Grab Bag

Next up Christina Renee Designs newest goodies, If you remember I won a coupon good for 100% off anything in her store that lasted for 3 months and is still valid so these were free as well lol
Miniatures
Ultimate Art Collection
Spunky Flower Garden
ScruffyBet

and I finished up with a few items from the Lily Pad
Some Layered templates by Lauren Barden
Scrap Pad - Big and Bold
and some new Kate Hadfield goodies
Jacque and Kate's Make Your Own Snowman
Jacque and Kate's Make Your Own Christmas Tree
Doodled Black Alpha
Doodled Paper Folds.

The only thing I wanted that I didn't pick up was a few items at Scrapbook Graphics because of some issues with processing my card Mark's going to buy them for me on Monday lol.

Right now that I have hopefully given you some ideas how to spend your cash lol, I have to run I have loads to do today and it's already 5pm!

It's turning out to be one of those weeks

you know the kind that make you frequently question why you bother getting up in the morning. The ones that make you wonder if you dropped dead tomorrow would anyone really give a damn, or in fairness just another normal week in my life!
Monday - Wasn't too bad, Mark moved all the furniture in our room and we bought the new Harry Potter film which is rubbish compared to the book!
Tuesday - Mark had to work, I was really ill and woke up to Nan bitching at me, the day didn't get any better and after having to stand in the rain waiting to pick up Conor because Lisa couldn't be bothered to get Ella out of the car, the day ended with a blazing row with Nan. If that wasn't bad enough Lukas threw up everywhere as well.
Wednesday - Lukas stayed off school because he is full of cold and feeling poorly, Nan is refusing to even speak to me because she's sulking over the row. She's of the opinion that everything I said is lies and I think she's a nagging old bat who is full of crap!
Which brings us to today, Lukas got scared by the bloody cat coming into our garden and screeching again (I think it was trying to get my hedgehog out from under the shed again!) and ended up sleeping across the bottom of my bed, so I am tired and stiff today from trying not to hurt him in the night, I am still feeling more sick than normal, Lukas is still off school, Nan is still being hostile but at least she's answering me today and Mark well he's at work until 7pm still not listening to me, or doing anything I ask. I am just about to try and make a dent in my huge to do list if I can drown out the noise of Cartoon Network talking to itself in the background, Lukas coughing and whinging and ignore the burning desire to go back to bed!

In the words of kermit - It's not easy being green

with envy that is. Christopher and Amy bought Ruby over today, she's a month old now and that was the 1st time we had seen her. She's utterly adorable and wouldn't you know it my camera batteries were flat! I didn't want to give her back and neither did Lukas. I got the sweetest smile from her, she's got tonnes of hair just like Leo used to have it's the same sort of colour as well, it was so strange except for the pink babygro I could have sworn for a second it was the same baby. She holds herself up so alert and knowing just like he used to, eyes wide open scared to close them for a second incase she misses something. The bit that almost made me cry though was as I put her to my shoulder she reached out her hand and touched my face. When she did it I kind of felt like I had just had a really huge electric shock Leo always did that and as she put her hand down I felt at peace with the world, it's the first time since Leo died that I have ever felt like that even if it was just for a short while. I think it was the realisation that life goes on. Amy and Christopher lost a baby just before Ruby they called her Evie I wonder if Ruby is ever going to know that they hold her so much closer because there will always be the ever present fear that they will lose her. She is loved more than she will ever be able to imagine.

Just call me the tooth fairy

I really hate school trips, let me rephrase that I really hate school trips where I can't go and take pictures lol. Today I hate them more than normal. Not only did my little guy go on a school trip today that I have no pictures of he lost his 1st tooth while he was there. The trip was to see birds at a nature reserve thing he says he had a great time but was really sad that he lost his tooth. I'm really sad that I wasn't there with him and that I don't have it here to scrap lol. But I did what I do best. Me and Nan pretended to call the tooth fairy and ask her to please leave Lukas a gift for being a brave boy. While she did that I made him a letter from the tooth fairy explaining that all lost teeth go straight to her magic castle and various other stuff to make him feel better. With some gliter, rubon's and a little effort later he has a very cool letter from the tooth fairy complete with £5 note (hey it's his first I made it perfectly clear that paper money is only for the 1st tooth lol) and a £2 coin in a little jewellery box because that was the closest I get to "gold coin" from the tooth fairy. He's worth every penny. I have been reading a lot of things lately saying that the Tooth Fairy, Father Christmas etc is a form of lying to kids, and honestly I don't believe that's true. I want him to believe that there is more to the world than what you can see, I want him to believe in the possibility that special things happen to everyone. I don't lie to him about anything he asked me where babies come from and I told him, he asked me why grass was green and I told him he didn't understand hardly any of the explanation but the point is I didn't lie to him and he knows he can always trust me to tell him the truth about everything. But things aren't that clear cut, to me the tooth fairy story is always like that sunshine after the rain thing your tooth came out it hurts but there's someone there who will make it better even if the only way "she" makes it better is to pay you for what you have lost. It doesn't matter that there is no real fairy it's the message behind it.Eventually he will get that i'm the tooth fairy, the easter bunny, father christmas etc and that's fine because a mummy takes on whatever role is the most helpful. I switch between being the one to scold him when he's naughty to the one who kisses him better when he's hurt, so what's a few more roles for me to play. If it means that he believes there's always someone watching out for him that makes it fine with me. He's been talking about Leo again today, he's thinking a lot about him and so am I hate November I feel like the whole month is just leading up to Leo's anniversary and what's worse is I feel like November is the calm before the really stormy time - Christmas. There will never be a Christmas is my lifetime and probably not in Lukas's that isn't clouded by Leo's glaring abscence. It seems worse than any other time because we are so aware that we are only wrapping one set of Christmas presents, we are writing cards out and one name is missing. I hear about christmas miracles everywhere and Christmas wishes and ours is just for one more time to hold him, one more time to touch his skin, one more time to see him as he was before the hospital, just one more moment with him and that wish is never going to come true. I'm truly haunted by the last time I saw him when I held his cold lifeless body in that room, I remember the horrible smell and the way it felt when my fingers slipped inside him because of the careless way that they had stitched his little body back up after the numerous post mortems. I remember all that as clear as day but the only way I can remember what he looked like is to look at the few photos I have of him. More than anything I wish that his image was burnt onto my brain as firmly as the hurt is burnt into my heart.

Why am I the only one whose cold?

I'm sat here with a duvet wrapped around me, a cardigan on and I am still cold while everyone else is telling me I am crazy. Nan even has the back door wide open downstairs!
Do you want to hazard a guess why, yep that's right I am sick again. I was up nearly all night with my stomach hurting again and when I finally got up (about an hour ago) I feel like crap. It's been raining so I am hurting everywhere had to resort to bandaging my right hand up so I can use it because it's so stiff and swollen. The left one is only slightly better but I have lost the other bandage so I am managing with it. I have a slight cough, my eyes are sore and I could quite happily go back to my bed and go back to sleep.

Want to know how I spent my day?

I have been working on my computer, (read I have been busy downloading more digi stash lol) while Mark has been sulking because Sky were doing some maintenance on their end meaning he had no TV. He was so bored he actually did some tidying up he found some carpet! Lukas is currently out with Nan, Lisa, Conor and Ella they have gone to Macdonalds for a treat. So today life is fairly good, except for the pain. I hurt a lot but i'm still happyish amazing what a difference a day makes isn't it.

*Sigh* just another day in the madhouse.

More shouting, more rowing you know just another day in the private hell I call my home!
I would give anything to be able to go to sleep one night, get up the next morning and go for a whole day with no raised voices, accusations or ranting from anyone. I would rather have that than anything else I can think of, even being free from pain. I am so depressed with everything at the moment I just feel like sitting down and crying for hours on end because I am so fed up!

Just shut up for a while!

That's what I have felt like saying all day long to Mark, Nan and Lukas. They are driving me completely mad. Yesterday I was so ill Mark had to stay home from work because I was not capable of looking after Lukas (he'd been up all night because something woke him and he couldn't get back to sleep guess which idiot sat up with him, this kid needs his sleep if he doesn't get it he makes everyone's life a misery) so you have one very sick mummy, one extremely whingy Lukas, one grumpy daddy because he has to look after Lukas and one Nan in a crappy mood because Mark was home from work all day and did nothing. Mark's idea of "looking after" Lukas involves a playstation 2, a dvd player, the disney channels and the making of a sandwich or two. So I kind of had a feeling that today wasn't going to be a good day. We were woken up by Nan calling the mobile to inform us that Gary was going to the rubbish tip and stuff that needed to be thrown away from the shed needed to be got ready, did I mention the call came about 15 minutes before Gary turned up? So she saw that Mark hadn't sorted much out and threw a complete mental there was screaming, shouting and accusations flying left right and centre and when I stumbled down the stairs still half asleep I got the full force of it all. Just like I always do when she's pissed off, even though it has nothing whatsoever to do with me. So then I get Mark bitching about how Nan was going and her bitching about him not doing it and on and on and on. I have sort of reached the point where when they are shouting I know that the only course of action is to stand back and try and ignore them. Trying to help when they are both ranting just gets me screamed at more. Eventually they run out of steam but not today. Nan comes up screaming and crying about the tumble drier, we got a new one incase you are wondering and the old one was put in the shed as a spare. I finally worked out that she was upset because Mark had put something on top of it. When I asked him I got shouted at again because apparently the only thing on it was a box with the drier hose in it on the top and since they need to be kept together he didn't understand what the issue was. The day never got any better, every time I tried to ask Nan if she needed any help with anything, or if there was anything she wanted me to do I got the "I'm so ill, I can't stand up" speech. When I tried to point out that I was offering to do stuff so she wouldn't have to I got shouted at that it was already done. She's a bloody Martyr I swear she does the stuff just so she can moan about doing it! Mark is in a foul mood, Lukas is whinging. Photoshop Elements decided not to work when I was trying to do this weeks tutorial for Kirsty and I have just reached my breaking point today. I just want everyone to shut up and leave me alone for a little while. I'm not feeling well and I just can't cope with everyone's hysteria and blowing everything out of all proportion today. *sigh* some days I just wonder why I bothered to crawl out of bed. I have to make a doctors appointment for this week while Mark is on holiday (he has a week off) because I can't carry on feeling this crappy it makes it impossible to deal with all of the everyday issues. Tomorrow I promise I will make a post that's not so depressing, I know I will talk about Digital Scrapbook Day yesterday and how I made out like a bandit and was in freebie heaven lol. But tonight I am tired and hurting and I need to go to bed, right after I go and threaten my little angel with a one week ban from his playstation if his little butt gets out of that bed again tonight!

Pillowbox pictures and loose teeth

I did mean to post these pictures the other night but I had the camera batteries on charge and I couldn't be bothered to go and get them lol. So here you go Card, Front, Back.

If you want them you can grab them here.

Now I have something else to talk about, my little guy had an accident at school, I don't know exactly what happened he has a bruise on his cheek and one of his teeth is so wobbly I am worried he will swallow it. I'm sad that he's going to lose his first tooth already, I will just have to keep a really close eye on it. *sigh* it's just never ending he's always getting hurt at school I know there's nothing I can do about it but that's never going to stop me wishing that there was. I hate seeing him hurt it makes me feel so helpless.

Happy Halloween

So I know it's not technically Halloween here anymore but since my days run from when I crawl out of my bed until when I fall back in it's still Halloween to me. I got the bright idea to make Halloween Gifts for Lukas's class, I cheated a little and went for premade this year the Smell My Feet Treats Set by Shabby Princess. Last night we sat and printed 30 Halloween Pillowboxes.
But since it was a craft project we hit the inevitable problems we always encounter and I know you are just dying to know what they were lol.
1. The main printer had still not been filled and had no red ink.
2. Mark overfilled the cartridge
3. After cleaning up the mess and placing cartride back in printer no red ink is coming out
4. Resorting to backup annoying printer means longer waits for paper to print.
5. It made the wait longer by running out of blue ink completely.
6. Refill the blue ink cartridge and then mess around trying to make it print as straight as possible since it always prints off centre but with many adjustments the difference is hardly noticeable if you are trimming off excess paper, completely useless if you are going for a full page though which luckily we weren't lol.
7. Find 3 staplers, only staples for 2 of them
8. One of staplers decides to mangle all staples put into it leaving on;y the stiffest one we own.
9. Lose glue stick and luckily manage to borrow one from Nan
10. Try to assemble boxes at 2am when we are both tired and Mark hasn't quite scored them in the right place.
It was lots of fun lol. I made little cards as well they were supposed to fit in the boxes but were slightly too big but after much printing,cutting, gluing, stapling,assembling and stuffing we had a very cute completed project ready for school and here's the important part - THEY WERE ON TIME lol. Lukas took them to school and apparently the kids were thrilled and so were his teachers (they got the same thing different filling). Mark said all the kids were coming out of school this afternoon talking about them, I say that's job well done I love making people happy. Lukas's Buzz Lightyear suit came this evening, he loves it. He said he didn't want to go trick or treating but then changed his mind when Mark went out to the shop, so I took him on my own just around our street. He didn't even do the full street before he decided he was fed up and wanted to go home. He's not really into sweets and chocolate so he was more than content with the little bag he got. Everyone told him to take what he wanted and everytime despite them urging him to take more he only took one. It was very sweet. He loved seeing the kids coming to the door. Nan had a great time handing out sweets and talking to all the little kids, she exhuatsed her sweet supply and used up some of mine. I spent the evening making another 10 pillowboxes for friends and family, there was no way I could have done them last night and they will just think they have been here waiting for them. I'm a little sad that my guest spots with DeDe Smith and Jennifer Schmitt are over but I am excited about my guest spot with Traci Reed for next month. It's Mark's brothers birthday tomorrow, so I have to whip something up a birthday card at the very least. We have had a fairly nice day, my hands are barely usable because of all the cutting last night and today but we made a lot of people smile and for me that's worth the pain in my hands and in my shoulder. It's worth feeling wiped out completely I really need to make a start on the christmas projects, maybe if I spread them out a bit we won't end up making the printer do overtime the day before lol.