Not You

Not You, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Eternal Templates, Template 1) and Eternal both by Joelle Lester (Daphadilly Art). Font is Hobo Std.
Journalling reads:By the time these photos were taken,you weren’t my tiny baby your body was swollen so much all of your skin was pulled tight, it was shiny from the fluid overload and red raw from all the latex they had used on you. The photo on the right was taken three days before it was time for us to say goodbye, the photo on the left was your last it was taken on a mobile phone camera as you laid in my arms for the final time and I played you Ronan Keating’s “Loving Each Day”. I hate these photos because to me they are of a stranger you had already left me.

Lucky Boy

Lucky Boy, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Stackables, Template 1) and Slainte Bundle both by Jen C Designs. Font is sf Chaney by Sugar Frog Fonts.
Journalling reads: When Ella wanted to go and see the Cbeebies Live show at the New Thatre, Auntie Lisa and Uncle Gary thought that you might like to go as well. They bought your ticket and they wouldn’t even accept the money from mummy for it. When the day finally came for the performance you were so excited. You waited anxiously by the front door while the rain poured down outside. You were so impatient and couldn’t wait to get going. You were so thrilled when Uncle Gary and Ella finally came to pick you up. This was the first time you had ever been on a trip like this without me. You went by car into the city centre and then you had to walk from the car park to the theatre. You were worried that you were going to get wet. But when you got out of the car the rain completely stopped so you were able to stay nice and dry. You and Ella had a lovely time, before you left you bought a souvenir Cbeebies program and couldn’t wait to show it to me. You are so lucky that you have a cousin so close in age to you to do fun things like this with. 13th April 2008.

Lost Tooth

Lost Tooth, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Speed Scrap Template 1) by Joelle Lester (Daphadilly Art) and Brush-a Brush-a by Laura White (C.W Picket & Company).

Dino Suit

Dino Suit, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Template Chat Freebie) by Marshmella Designs and Dino Collection by Joelle Lester (Daphadilly Art). Font is Rockwell.
Journalling reads: I don’t know why it is that you have suddenly decided that this green and blue fleece suit with the dinosaur on it is your favourite, but it’s the only one you ever want to wear, and you make a real fuss when it’s not clean!

Snowman

Snowman, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Speed Scrap Template 2) by Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2Day Designs), Cold (white paper, blue border and alpha) by Jen C Designs and Snow Blue by Mom2Moo Designs.

London Eye Desktop

London Eye Desktop, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Get With It February 2011 Template, slightly altered) by Amyscraps/3 Li’l Monsters Designs and A Day In My Life Collection (slightly recoloured) by Jen C Designs.

Ambrose

Ambrose, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Press Plate No 20, Left Hand Side Template) by Liz Tamanaha (Paislee Press), 52 Inspirations 2011 Week Six Mini by Vicki Stegall and 52 Inspirations 2011 The Basics by Sue Cummings and Vicki Stegall. Fonts are DJB Kenna Script and DJB Amber both by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: The other night as I was writing my belated blog post to Gaiebraille, I started thinking about a lot of things I was typing it and my thoughts wondered to you. Sometimes I feel like you got a pretty raw deal of it. When I found out that I was pregnant with you, I was already so hurt, so damaged, an emotional train wreck really. I laid all of my hopes and dreams on you, even though my brain screamed at me to be cautious and not get too attached to you, my heart is still an idiot and foolishly I allowed myself to indulge in my fantasies of a happy ever after with you. But I was never truly naive enough to do more than vaguely hope that it would all work out, so when it went wrong I admit it, I was almost relieved that it was over. It was never because I didn’t love you as much, I was just too scared to love someone so much again and risk having my heart re broken. Gaiebraille was my first, that cut was deep and slow to heal, frequently reopening and having to begin healing all over again. Leo was more like a cannon ball, shattering my heart into a million tiny pieces. I didn’t know where to start in the rebuilding process, my attempts were clumsy and everything frequently fell to pieces again. But you, well you were kind of like the universes equivalent of kicking a dog when it’s down. Cruel and unnecessary, but also kind of irrelevant, when something is already in so much pain and anguish what harm can one more blow cause? I was kind of numb to it all back then, unable to process all of the emotions that accompanied losing yet another baby. I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am that I acted like you were just another lost baby, you were unique and special and you deserved so much more than I was able to give at the time. The problem to me was very simple, I knew I loved all of you equally so I couldn’t understand why I was incapable of grieving for you just as equally. I couldn’t comprehend just simply being too broken emotionally to process any of what I was feeling. I will never be able to find the words to express how guilty I feel for that, so I will just keep it simple, with 1 kiss and hug for each year since I lost you, I love you my sweet angel baby and I always will.

Ernie

Ernie, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Made In The Shade, February 2011) by Jane Lofts (Scrapastrophic Sensations) and You Are My Sunshine (slightly recoloured) by Jen C Designs.

Just The Three Of Us

Just The Three Of Us, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (I Love You Just A Little Bit,Template 4) and In Love With You both by Jen C Designs. Font is DJB Euroscript by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: This is one of those wedding photos that I have always overlooked, to me it was just us coming out of the registry office, standing at the top of the steps, nothing really special. At least it wasn’t until I looked through the photographs a bit closer and realised this is the only one of the three of us together. The photographer never bothered to take group shots.

Cuddle Time

Cuddle Time, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Photocentric 2, Template 20) by Emily Powers (RETIRED) and 52 Inspirations 2011 Week Five Mini by Sue Cummings and 52 Inspirations 2011 The Basics by Sue Cummings and Vicki Stegall. Font is 4990810.

Secret Smile

Secret Smile, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Tuesday Template, 8th February 2011) by Tracy Anderson (Trixie Scraps) and Adventure 365 January by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs). Font is Travelling Typewriter.
Journalling reads: I adore this picture of you it looks like you are laughing at a private joke or maybe just filling your pants.

Rawr!

Rawr!, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Tuesday Template, 25th January 2011) by Jami (Alansrock), I'm talking 'bout Can You Dig It? Wordart by Jodie McNally and Dino Bundle by Joelle Lester (Daphadilly Art).

No Photos Of Us

No Photos Of Us, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (From My Playlist, 31st December 2010) by Molly Weight (Biograffiti) and 52 Inspirations 2011 Week Four Mini by Vicki Stegall and 52 Inspirations 2011 The Basics by Sue Cummings and Vicki Stegall. Font is DJB Joy Script by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: Before we became a family you and me were never really a traditional couple. There was never really romance or dates, but there was always a lot of fire and passion, not always in a good way. It was only when I was looking through the photographs that I realised that with the exception of our wedding day, I don’t have a single photograph of just us together. As much as I adore our little family. I hope that one day I can fill that vacant frame with just one of you, me, us and we.

Disney Pixar Monopoly

Disney Pixar Monopoly, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Cindy's Templates, Former Freebies Set 1, Template 2) by Cindy Schneider, Monopoly Board Template by Brad Frost, Get Your Game On (slightly recoloured) Mega Kit contributions by Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2Day Designs), Melissa Robinson (Melly Scraps), Mom2Moo Designs and Jen C Designs. Fonts are Love Ya Like A Sister by Kimberly Geswein and Copperplate Gothic Light. Monopoly Logo from logotypes101.

Beach Babe

Beach Babe, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Scraplift of So Sweet by marieh - http://www.digiscrapsdrivein.com/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=15687&cat=all&limit=last14
Credits: Chocolate Kisses and Chocolate Kisses Alpha both by Bonnie Blou Designs.

Don't Judge Me

Don't Judge Me, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Storyteller, January 2011 Blog Challenge Freebie) by Rachel Jefferies (Captivated Visions) and Giggles by Jen C Designs. Fonts are Wartorn and DJB CT Laura by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: When people look at me they see a miserable 26 year old, overweight woman with a husband and 2 kids. They make assumptions about me, like that I was a stupid naive teenager who has two kids because I didn't know what contraception was. That I am married because of the kids. That I am overweight because I eat too much and because I am lazy. They don't bother to ask me, they just look and make a snap judgement. If they had asked me maybe there idea of me would have changed once they found out the truth. Take my kids for example, I don't have 2 kids, I have 5 only 3 of them live in heaven. Yes I was 4 months shy of my 18th birthday when I had Lukas but he was never a mistake, an unplanned accident maybe but in a good way. I grew up in a huge family and I had spent my whole life thinking I would never want kids of my own, yet when we found out I was pregnant, there was never a doubt in my mind that I wanted him, loved him and was excited about the chance to be his mother, even if back then we did think he was a she. The others they were more complicated, the decision of preventing more pregnancies was out of our hands. A severe latex allergy ruling out some, seizures with unknown causes ruling out others, my age another factor ruling out longer term methods. We were only left with 2 one we tried but decided against after the side effects, the second was impossible, we were young and in love and could no easier stay away from each other than we could stop breathing. So we left it up to fate, if we were meant to have another baby so be it. When the snow came down and we heard the words we had been fearing, our world shattered. We called our baby Gaiebraille, the hospital being unable to determine if our first angel was a boy or a girl so we decided on a name suitable for either. That first miscarriage was the start of a downward spiral, a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions. I spent months crying and unable to bear being anywhere near babies, just seeing one in the street would make me feel sick from the pain in my heart. The unfairness of it all irritated me why did they get to have a baby when I didn't. I felt so lost and then our miracle happened. That pregnancy was different so very difficult, endless hospital visits and people poking, pushing, fraying my every last nerve. By the time Leo was born our relationship was almost non-existent. The long days and weeks I spent in special care didn't help matters, then there was a brief ray of sunshine, our baby was finally well enough to come home. Only he came home to a single mother and a big brother who adored him and a Daddy who was conflicted, jealous and thinking that his life would be easier without us in it. I would have coped, somehow. Only I didn't get the chance to even try before he was gone too and our family our 4 was a family of 3. We clung to each other, desperate for the salvation from the agony only loving and caring could bring. Trying to keep our little family from being swallowed by the grief threatening to engulf us and drown us. It took a long time for us to even function again, it was a haze of weeping and regrets and of sadness and sorrow. We were slow to rebuild any of it, the pain too raw to deal with. Our brief ray of sunshine Ambrose, extinguished like the others before, we didn't live through those years we just survived one day at a time. Medical issues seemed to hang over us like a dark cloud, we watched people we loved suffer and struggle before being taken from us too. I put aside my doubts that a piece of paper wouldn't make any difference to the way we felt about each other, we started to make plans for a celebration. More to bring everyone together than anything else. That didn't quite go to plan either, but we never really dared hope for anything more than just getting through the day. I was right in a way, that piece of paper didn't change much, except Mark's name, we still argued and bickered, still loved each other just as fiercely as before. I am never truly honest about my health issues, preferring to keep the extent of them to myself, not wanting to complain, or tell anyone exactly what's going on. Getting pregnant again made things worse. It seems like everyday the standard "normal" things become harder and harder to do. I struggle through each day, trying to balance the physical issues with the emotional ones and just doing what I can. I try hard to mask the pain in my eyes, but know that on some level Mark sees it anyway. I hate myself for letting him see that I am struggling. We are all tired of doctors being unable to find a cause for the problems, so we just try and carry on regardless. When Logan was born everything changed, because he makes us feel something we haven't in what seems like forever, hope. So here we are, just the 4 of us in our own little house and our own little world. Trying our hardest to keep our sadness at bay, and go on living our lives. We are doing the best we can, to put one foot in front of the other and take each day as it comes, one day at a time. Until you walk a mile in my shoes you don’t have a clue about me, so maybe before you look at me and make any judgement about me you should just take take the time to talk to me, and who knows I might even surprise you a little.

Loving Brothers

Loving Brothers, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (18th December Tuesday Template) by Tanya Riley and Bear-y Baby by Laura White (C.W Picket & Company). Font is Dawning Of A New Day by Kimberly Geswein.
Journalling reads: In the limited amount of photographs I have of the two of you, these are some of my favourite. I love how gently you are holding Leo and the look on your face as you stared down at him. I still have no clue why you thought it would be a good idea to lick your baby brothers head or bite off his broken fingernail off. It’s easy to forget how young you were and that you didn’t know any better. I don’t think you ever intended to hurt him, it’s just that sometimes you are inspired by the curiosity to do things that seem slightly crazy to other people. He didn’t seem to mind either of them he was just perfectly content to lay on you and be held by a big brother who truly adored him.

Caffeine Free Diet Coke

Caffeine Free Diet Coke, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Tempted Volume 2, Template 2) by Jenn Lindsey, Getting Started Journal Prompts by Krista Sahlin (Sahlin Studio), Scatter Overlays by Megadoodle Inspired, Elegant Comfort (slightly recoloured) by Joelle Lester (Daphadilly Art), Button from Falling In Love by Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2Day Designs) and Joelle Lester (Daphadilly Art) and Bubbles from June Wedding Mega contribution by Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2Day Designs). Font is Corbel. Diet Coke Logo from Vectorlogo and Coke Cans image by Dave from picasaweb.google.
Journalling reads: Before I met Mark I used to pretty much only drink squash, I don’t drink tea or coffee and I didn’t really enjoy fizzy drinks but I used to buy diet coke as part of my “breakfast” before work. I never paid much attention to the fact that I didn’t really care for the taste (too sweet) or that the headaches were worse after drinking it. The shop didn’t have a huge selection so it always seemed like the best option. That all changed when I found caffeine free diet coke. I loved the taste, and the headaches were so much better than before. It quickly became my go-to drink especially when I was pregnant with all of my boys. Mark can never understand why I prefer to drink it at room temperature or warm and completely flat. He thinks I am a freak but I don’t care. I don’t like drinking it from cans or with ice in it. It’s great mixed with raspberry vodka!

Electric Chair

Electric Chair, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (November 2010 Cookie) by Darcy Baldwin, Froggy Short Staple by Megan Farrow (Flergs), Gold Action by Atomic Cupcake and Something to Say by Laura White (C.W Picket & Company) and Amanda Krueger (Nibbles Skribbles). Fonts are Century Gothic and Lightning Volt.
Journalling reads: On our last visit to Chessington we spotted this electric chair while we were waiting for Daddy we took these photos but we didn't get to try it.

You Inspire Me Desktop

You Inspire Me Desktop, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Get With It January 2011 Template) by Amyscraps/3 Li’l Monsters Designs and You're My Inspiration by Bonnie Blou Designs.