What happened to Sympathy?

I had another accident today, I slipped while getting out of the bath and really hurt myself. I went into our bedroom to lick my wounds (no not literally lol) Mark went to have his bath. I just got a right mouthful from Nan because apparently there was "puddles of water everywhere" in the bathroom, now tell me wouldn't you have assumed that any water that spilt from the bath when I fell would have been cleaned up by DH either before he got in the bath or after he got out? I so don't get how I deserved the crap I got from her for hurting myself, but then like I have said before everything seems to be my fault. Mark loses the remote and I am expected to know where it is, Nan has a problem and I am supposed to know how to fix it. A great example of that was her prescription, she comes in to me and says I have no tablets left she takes them every night I even do them all in her little medical box thing when I remember yet I am the one who is supposed to know that she needs more tablets. Her prescription needs to be put in at least 48 hours before collection (they prefer 72 hours), when we go back and pick up her prescription we have to take it to the chemist to collect it and they almost always have to give her the pathetic stock of them they have and order in the rest. Yes you would assume that since we use the same chemist every month they would order them in advance but what can I say the place is run by men there isn't an ounce of logic in the building lol. She usually tells me about her prescription either on a Friday so it can't even be put in until the Monday and obviously she's only got enough left to only just last or not last at all, or she tells me just after the surgery has closed for the day. Don't forget we are the only ones without a car to get around with because neither of us can drive yet we are the ones responsible for almost all her running around. I had a row with Mark because on Wednesday (Leo's Anniversary) Mark booked the day off to spend with me because we always try and do something special and now informs me he will be out all day because Nan needs bills paying at all different banks, she needs a prescription picking up and numerous other errands running that obviously she couldn't ask her precious Lisa to do in the car! But I do it all, I don't moan about it (well at least not to her) and I have even started solving the medications problem by removing one card of tablets from each box and putting them somewhere else, she then thinks she's run out and I have ample time to actually get Mark to put her presciption in, collect it and for the chemist order it ready to be collected. When she orders stuff off the shopping channel at stupid o'clock I am the fool who sits up for her to take the payment calls, and all I ever seem to get from her is crap so would someone please tell me why I even bother trying?

Did you miss me?

I bet you didn't lol. Wondering what I have been up to? Nope didn't think so but I am going to tell you anyway lol. Well I took a trip (I mean the kind only I can do where I end up on my bum lol) sprained my wrist and my and my ankle and got a lovely big gash across the bottom of my foot. I have had to reinstall my computer from scratch again and I picked up a few things in the Black Friday Sales. We don't celebrate Thanksgiving or Black Friday in the UK but who am I to not take advantage of some of the truly amazing Sales going on lol.

I finally caved and bought Traci Reed's Lightroom Presets, at a very cool 40% now I am wondering how I managed without them lol.
Pop Starrs Lightroom Preset Bundle
Dream Team Lightroom Presets Bundle

I picked up some new Tracy Blankenship templates at ScrapDish
Templates with Attitude 6x6 xmas albums sets 1 and 2

I went to ScrapArtist and picked up some Two Sisters Designs Stuff
La vie en paint Collection
Blessed: The Kit
FALLing into Art: The Kit
Beauty Marks Vol. 4
Beauty Marks Vol. 5
Beauty Marks Vol. 6
Beauty Marks Vol. 7
Beauty Marks Vol. 8
Sponge Strokes
Addy's Party Flowers
Journal Me Plenty
Live Free
W is for Watercolor: Bits and Pieces
Stitched Grids
Our Closet: The Basics-Collection 1
I already had the first 3 Beauty Marks Sets so I just got the missing ones, even though the complete collection is an absolute steal! They are retiring some items at 50% off this weekend is a 30% off sale at ScrapArtist so you get 50% off and then a further 30% off but all the retiring products will be gone on Monday!

I went to OScraps and picked up some Sue Cumming's wordart, and got a free gift for spending over $5.00
These two are part of Scrap Apple Subscription I have so they were free lol
"Scrap" Apple Inspirations *Special Edition {Christmas}
"Scrap" Apple Inspirations {Week 13}

From My Chalkboard {Christmas ABC's}
From My Sketchbook {Father}
From My Notebook - Mothers Day {Mum}
From My Notebook - Mothers Day
Special Offer {November 2007}

I also got a template and Grab Bag by Melanie Colosimo, the grab bag was free with any purchase.
Drip Drop - 2 Page Template
Black Friday Grab Bag

Next up Christina Renee Designs newest goodies, If you remember I won a coupon good for 100% off anything in her store that lasted for 3 months and is still valid so these were free as well lol
Miniatures
Ultimate Art Collection
Spunky Flower Garden
ScruffyBet

and I finished up with a few items from the Lily Pad
Some Layered templates by Lauren Barden
Scrap Pad - Big and Bold
and some new Kate Hadfield goodies
Jacque and Kate's Make Your Own Snowman
Jacque and Kate's Make Your Own Christmas Tree
Doodled Black Alpha
Doodled Paper Folds.

The only thing I wanted that I didn't pick up was a few items at Scrapbook Graphics because of some issues with processing my card Mark's going to buy them for me on Monday lol.

Right now that I have hopefully given you some ideas how to spend your cash lol, I have to run I have loads to do today and it's already 5pm!

It's turning out to be one of those weeks

you know the kind that make you frequently question why you bother getting up in the morning. The ones that make you wonder if you dropped dead tomorrow would anyone really give a damn, or in fairness just another normal week in my life!
Monday - Wasn't too bad, Mark moved all the furniture in our room and we bought the new Harry Potter film which is rubbish compared to the book!
Tuesday - Mark had to work, I was really ill and woke up to Nan bitching at me, the day didn't get any better and after having to stand in the rain waiting to pick up Conor because Lisa couldn't be bothered to get Ella out of the car, the day ended with a blazing row with Nan. If that wasn't bad enough Lukas threw up everywhere as well.
Wednesday - Lukas stayed off school because he is full of cold and feeling poorly, Nan is refusing to even speak to me because she's sulking over the row. She's of the opinion that everything I said is lies and I think she's a nagging old bat who is full of crap!
Which brings us to today, Lukas got scared by the bloody cat coming into our garden and screeching again (I think it was trying to get my hedgehog out from under the shed again!) and ended up sleeping across the bottom of my bed, so I am tired and stiff today from trying not to hurt him in the night, I am still feeling more sick than normal, Lukas is still off school, Nan is still being hostile but at least she's answering me today and Mark well he's at work until 7pm still not listening to me, or doing anything I ask. I am just about to try and make a dent in my huge to do list if I can drown out the noise of Cartoon Network talking to itself in the background, Lukas coughing and whinging and ignore the burning desire to go back to bed!

In the words of kermit - It's not easy being green

with envy that is. Christopher and Amy bought Ruby over today, she's a month old now and that was the 1st time we had seen her. She's utterly adorable and wouldn't you know it my camera batteries were flat! I didn't want to give her back and neither did Lukas. I got the sweetest smile from her, she's got tonnes of hair just like Leo used to have it's the same sort of colour as well, it was so strange except for the pink babygro I could have sworn for a second it was the same baby. She holds herself up so alert and knowing just like he used to, eyes wide open scared to close them for a second incase she misses something. The bit that almost made me cry though was as I put her to my shoulder she reached out her hand and touched my face. When she did it I kind of felt like I had just had a really huge electric shock Leo always did that and as she put her hand down I felt at peace with the world, it's the first time since Leo died that I have ever felt like that even if it was just for a short while. I think it was the realisation that life goes on. Amy and Christopher lost a baby just before Ruby they called her Evie I wonder if Ruby is ever going to know that they hold her so much closer because there will always be the ever present fear that they will lose her. She is loved more than she will ever be able to imagine.

Just call me the tooth fairy

I really hate school trips, let me rephrase that I really hate school trips where I can't go and take pictures lol. Today I hate them more than normal. Not only did my little guy go on a school trip today that I have no pictures of he lost his 1st tooth while he was there. The trip was to see birds at a nature reserve thing he says he had a great time but was really sad that he lost his tooth. I'm really sad that I wasn't there with him and that I don't have it here to scrap lol. But I did what I do best. Me and Nan pretended to call the tooth fairy and ask her to please leave Lukas a gift for being a brave boy. While she did that I made him a letter from the tooth fairy explaining that all lost teeth go straight to her magic castle and various other stuff to make him feel better. With some gliter, rubon's and a little effort later he has a very cool letter from the tooth fairy complete with £5 note (hey it's his first I made it perfectly clear that paper money is only for the 1st tooth lol) and a £2 coin in a little jewellery box because that was the closest I get to "gold coin" from the tooth fairy. He's worth every penny. I have been reading a lot of things lately saying that the Tooth Fairy, Father Christmas etc is a form of lying to kids, and honestly I don't believe that's true. I want him to believe that there is more to the world than what you can see, I want him to believe in the possibility that special things happen to everyone. I don't lie to him about anything he asked me where babies come from and I told him, he asked me why grass was green and I told him he didn't understand hardly any of the explanation but the point is I didn't lie to him and he knows he can always trust me to tell him the truth about everything. But things aren't that clear cut, to me the tooth fairy story is always like that sunshine after the rain thing your tooth came out it hurts but there's someone there who will make it better even if the only way "she" makes it better is to pay you for what you have lost. It doesn't matter that there is no real fairy it's the message behind it.Eventually he will get that i'm the tooth fairy, the easter bunny, father christmas etc and that's fine because a mummy takes on whatever role is the most helpful. I switch between being the one to scold him when he's naughty to the one who kisses him better when he's hurt, so what's a few more roles for me to play. If it means that he believes there's always someone watching out for him that makes it fine with me. He's been talking about Leo again today, he's thinking a lot about him and so am I hate November I feel like the whole month is just leading up to Leo's anniversary and what's worse is I feel like November is the calm before the really stormy time - Christmas. There will never be a Christmas is my lifetime and probably not in Lukas's that isn't clouded by Leo's glaring abscence. It seems worse than any other time because we are so aware that we are only wrapping one set of Christmas presents, we are writing cards out and one name is missing. I hear about christmas miracles everywhere and Christmas wishes and ours is just for one more time to hold him, one more time to touch his skin, one more time to see him as he was before the hospital, just one more moment with him and that wish is never going to come true. I'm truly haunted by the last time I saw him when I held his cold lifeless body in that room, I remember the horrible smell and the way it felt when my fingers slipped inside him because of the careless way that they had stitched his little body back up after the numerous post mortems. I remember all that as clear as day but the only way I can remember what he looked like is to look at the few photos I have of him. More than anything I wish that his image was burnt onto my brain as firmly as the hurt is burnt into my heart.

Why am I the only one whose cold?

I'm sat here with a duvet wrapped around me, a cardigan on and I am still cold while everyone else is telling me I am crazy. Nan even has the back door wide open downstairs!
Do you want to hazard a guess why, yep that's right I am sick again. I was up nearly all night with my stomach hurting again and when I finally got up (about an hour ago) I feel like crap. It's been raining so I am hurting everywhere had to resort to bandaging my right hand up so I can use it because it's so stiff and swollen. The left one is only slightly better but I have lost the other bandage so I am managing with it. I have a slight cough, my eyes are sore and I could quite happily go back to my bed and go back to sleep.

Want to know how I spent my day?

I have been working on my computer, (read I have been busy downloading more digi stash lol) while Mark has been sulking because Sky were doing some maintenance on their end meaning he had no TV. He was so bored he actually did some tidying up he found some carpet! Lukas is currently out with Nan, Lisa, Conor and Ella they have gone to Macdonalds for a treat. So today life is fairly good, except for the pain. I hurt a lot but i'm still happyish amazing what a difference a day makes isn't it.

*Sigh* just another day in the madhouse.

More shouting, more rowing you know just another day in the private hell I call my home!
I would give anything to be able to go to sleep one night, get up the next morning and go for a whole day with no raised voices, accusations or ranting from anyone. I would rather have that than anything else I can think of, even being free from pain. I am so depressed with everything at the moment I just feel like sitting down and crying for hours on end because I am so fed up!

Just shut up for a while!

That's what I have felt like saying all day long to Mark, Nan and Lukas. They are driving me completely mad. Yesterday I was so ill Mark had to stay home from work because I was not capable of looking after Lukas (he'd been up all night because something woke him and he couldn't get back to sleep guess which idiot sat up with him, this kid needs his sleep if he doesn't get it he makes everyone's life a misery) so you have one very sick mummy, one extremely whingy Lukas, one grumpy daddy because he has to look after Lukas and one Nan in a crappy mood because Mark was home from work all day and did nothing. Mark's idea of "looking after" Lukas involves a playstation 2, a dvd player, the disney channels and the making of a sandwich or two. So I kind of had a feeling that today wasn't going to be a good day. We were woken up by Nan calling the mobile to inform us that Gary was going to the rubbish tip and stuff that needed to be thrown away from the shed needed to be got ready, did I mention the call came about 15 minutes before Gary turned up? So she saw that Mark hadn't sorted much out and threw a complete mental there was screaming, shouting and accusations flying left right and centre and when I stumbled down the stairs still half asleep I got the full force of it all. Just like I always do when she's pissed off, even though it has nothing whatsoever to do with me. So then I get Mark bitching about how Nan was going and her bitching about him not doing it and on and on and on. I have sort of reached the point where when they are shouting I know that the only course of action is to stand back and try and ignore them. Trying to help when they are both ranting just gets me screamed at more. Eventually they run out of steam but not today. Nan comes up screaming and crying about the tumble drier, we got a new one incase you are wondering and the old one was put in the shed as a spare. I finally worked out that she was upset because Mark had put something on top of it. When I asked him I got shouted at again because apparently the only thing on it was a box with the drier hose in it on the top and since they need to be kept together he didn't understand what the issue was. The day never got any better, every time I tried to ask Nan if she needed any help with anything, or if there was anything she wanted me to do I got the "I'm so ill, I can't stand up" speech. When I tried to point out that I was offering to do stuff so she wouldn't have to I got shouted at that it was already done. She's a bloody Martyr I swear she does the stuff just so she can moan about doing it! Mark is in a foul mood, Lukas is whinging. Photoshop Elements decided not to work when I was trying to do this weeks tutorial for Kirsty and I have just reached my breaking point today. I just want everyone to shut up and leave me alone for a little while. I'm not feeling well and I just can't cope with everyone's hysteria and blowing everything out of all proportion today. *sigh* some days I just wonder why I bothered to crawl out of bed. I have to make a doctors appointment for this week while Mark is on holiday (he has a week off) because I can't carry on feeling this crappy it makes it impossible to deal with all of the everyday issues. Tomorrow I promise I will make a post that's not so depressing, I know I will talk about Digital Scrapbook Day yesterday and how I made out like a bandit and was in freebie heaven lol. But tonight I am tired and hurting and I need to go to bed, right after I go and threaten my little angel with a one week ban from his playstation if his little butt gets out of that bed again tonight!

Pillowbox pictures and loose teeth

I did mean to post these pictures the other night but I had the camera batteries on charge and I couldn't be bothered to go and get them lol. So here you go Card, Front, Back.

If you want them you can grab them here.

Now I have something else to talk about, my little guy had an accident at school, I don't know exactly what happened he has a bruise on his cheek and one of his teeth is so wobbly I am worried he will swallow it. I'm sad that he's going to lose his first tooth already, I will just have to keep a really close eye on it. *sigh* it's just never ending he's always getting hurt at school I know there's nothing I can do about it but that's never going to stop me wishing that there was. I hate seeing him hurt it makes me feel so helpless.

Happy Halloween

So I know it's not technically Halloween here anymore but since my days run from when I crawl out of my bed until when I fall back in it's still Halloween to me. I got the bright idea to make Halloween Gifts for Lukas's class, I cheated a little and went for premade this year the Smell My Feet Treats Set by Shabby Princess. Last night we sat and printed 30 Halloween Pillowboxes.
But since it was a craft project we hit the inevitable problems we always encounter and I know you are just dying to know what they were lol.
1. The main printer had still not been filled and had no red ink.
2. Mark overfilled the cartridge
3. After cleaning up the mess and placing cartride back in printer no red ink is coming out
4. Resorting to backup annoying printer means longer waits for paper to print.
5. It made the wait longer by running out of blue ink completely.
6. Refill the blue ink cartridge and then mess around trying to make it print as straight as possible since it always prints off centre but with many adjustments the difference is hardly noticeable if you are trimming off excess paper, completely useless if you are going for a full page though which luckily we weren't lol.
7. Find 3 staplers, only staples for 2 of them
8. One of staplers decides to mangle all staples put into it leaving on;y the stiffest one we own.
9. Lose glue stick and luckily manage to borrow one from Nan
10. Try to assemble boxes at 2am when we are both tired and Mark hasn't quite scored them in the right place.
It was lots of fun lol. I made little cards as well they were supposed to fit in the boxes but were slightly too big but after much printing,cutting, gluing, stapling,assembling and stuffing we had a very cute completed project ready for school and here's the important part - THEY WERE ON TIME lol. Lukas took them to school and apparently the kids were thrilled and so were his teachers (they got the same thing different filling). Mark said all the kids were coming out of school this afternoon talking about them, I say that's job well done I love making people happy. Lukas's Buzz Lightyear suit came this evening, he loves it. He said he didn't want to go trick or treating but then changed his mind when Mark went out to the shop, so I took him on my own just around our street. He didn't even do the full street before he decided he was fed up and wanted to go home. He's not really into sweets and chocolate so he was more than content with the little bag he got. Everyone told him to take what he wanted and everytime despite them urging him to take more he only took one. It was very sweet. He loved seeing the kids coming to the door. Nan had a great time handing out sweets and talking to all the little kids, she exhuatsed her sweet supply and used up some of mine. I spent the evening making another 10 pillowboxes for friends and family, there was no way I could have done them last night and they will just think they have been here waiting for them. I'm a little sad that my guest spots with DeDe Smith and Jennifer Schmitt are over but I am excited about my guest spot with Traci Reed for next month. It's Mark's brothers birthday tomorrow, so I have to whip something up a birthday card at the very least. We have had a fairly nice day, my hands are barely usable because of all the cutting last night and today but we made a lot of people smile and for me that's worth the pain in my hands and in my shoulder. It's worth feeling wiped out completely I really need to make a start on the christmas projects, maybe if I spread them out a bit we won't end up making the printer do overtime the day before lol.

Why do I always think I have posted here

and then get really disappointed when I find out it was just another thing on my to do list that never got done?
I've had a strange old October, I have had a blast creating for my guest CT spots, I have made a lot of layouts that I am proud of BUT and there's always a but I am feeling completely drained. This is the worst I have felt physically in a while, I am in a lot of pain I am not sleeping because of it and it's really taking it's toll on me. I really need a decent nights sleep, but I would settle for just a couple of hours of undisturbed sleep or at the very minimum just enough sleep to clear some of this constant fog from my head. Being in pain makes me more tired, being tired makes the pain bother me more so it's a never ending circle *Sigh*. Lukas's Brain Training Game for the DS arrived this morning, it was supposed to be part of his DS package he got for his birthday in August and I ordered it near the beginning of July and he's just got it this morning crazy isn't it. Anyway I couldn't resist having a quick go and to say the very least I was disappointed when I got my score apparently my brain age is 71 years! What can I say except I am brain dead because of sleep deprivation. My little guy got some parcels I ordered on Ebay this morning. He is now the very proud owner of another policeman's helmet and police vest, a race car driver suit with remote control car and his most favourite thing of all Buzz Lightyear Slippers. He's currently wearing all of it lol. He has some more parcels coming including a Buzz Lightyear Spacesuit, Buzz Lightyear Bedding and a Power Ranger Outfit. Mark will be home soon and then we will start the Halloween Project for school tomorrow. We have 27 Pillow boxes to print, assemble and fill with sweets and 27 little cards to make. Me and my bright ideas lol. I could have got started but the decent printer needs a little more ink, so I had the choice of fighting with the printer that does have ink but hates picking up paper, makes loud grinding noises and always prints slightly off alignment or waiting for Mark to come home and add some more ink to my lovely printer that will print in a very short space of time perfect prints. I choose to wait but no doubt I will be regretting that decision later when I am trying to assemble the damn boxes at around if past experiences are anything to go by midnight or 1am lol. But I think Lukas and his little friends are worth it I like doing things to make people's day a little brighter. I wonder if I could possibly manage a couple of hours sleep before Mark gets home?

Now I know why I married him

He has just gone to the chinese takeaway for me 20 minutes before they close because I remarked that chips from the chinese sounded nice. Sometimes he amazes me, anyway I gotta run he's just got back with chips and spring rolls from the chinese mmmm.

Very very bad blogger.

I seem to be apologising a lot lately for this blog. I never seem to either have anything to write ot have the energy to write anything. *Sigh* when there's a never ending list and only so many usable hours in the day things fall off the bottom and never get done. It's 5:50pm right now, I haven't done anything useful yet. I got up, I made a meccano thing with Lukas, I made Lukas food, I checked my emails and now I am writing my blog. Mark finishes work at 7:30 and no doubt when he comes home he will wonder what I have done all day but then I wonder what I have done all day as well lol. The hours just seem to disappear. Today I am burnt out, I am tired, I hurt and honestly all I would really like to do is have a bath, a large vodka and whatever and then an early night. I haven't been sleeping well lately, because of the pain in my stomach. Yes I know I should go back to the doctors but I just don't see the point. I go they prod me about and make the pain worse, then they either tell me that there's nothing they can do to help or they prescribe some painkillers that do nothing. Things have changed a lot around here since the last time I wrote. Mark is a lot more attentive, he wants to touch me all the time, cuddles, kisses, just his skin touching mine and it's nice some of the time. It's not that I don't like him touching me it's just that it's kind of hard to explain that actually I don't want you to touch me right now because I hurt a lot, because then he feels guilty. I feel miserable because he feels guilty and the whole room is just filled with sadness. It's impossible to describe how pain feels to another person, when they can't feel it for themself they either underestimate the amount of pain you feel or they try and compare it to something that they felt and it's never the same. It's a bit like trying to describe the sunrise to a blind person, there just aren't adequate words to describe it. Things are better though maybe it's because he likes being home here with me, maybe it's because there are a lot of things that just aren't worth the time or energy or maybe its because he hasn't seen his mother since he moved back in lol. Whatever the reason there is a lot more peace in the house now. I just don't have the words I need available to my sleep deprived head right now, so I am going to sign off. I will try not to leave it so long between posts but I am not promising anything xx

Hooray for half term

I have my little guy all to myself until the 30th when he goes back to school. Yes I am a bizarre kind of parent, I not only love half term I count down the days until the next one. I love having my baby at home with me. Because believe it or not I actually get more done when he's here lol.
Did I mention I have 2 new toys to play with? I got Adobe Photoshop Creative Suite 3 (PSCS3) and Lightroom 1.2 and I am loving them both. I have started playing around at Facebook. If you are wondering why there have been no layouts posted it's because I have been uploading them to albums over there. I will add a link in the sidebar and I might start uploading them here again but I don't know at the moment. So what else have I been up to? Umm CT work (loads of fun), Helping Kirsty Wiseman convert her Photoshop Tutorials to Elements (More fun and no I am not being sarcastic, I really enjoyed doing it), I have started on Calendars for Christmas presents and I have an album to do for Malcolms Birthday which is in oh 5 days time lol. You should all know what I am like with deadlines by now, I am that mother that's still wrapping up presents on Christmas Eve, heck sometimes I am that Mummy that falls asleep and ends up wrapping presents on Christmas Morning lol. It will get done, eventually. We took Lukas out the other night for another duck feeding session. There weren't many ducks but there were lots of swans and geese and seagulls. Swans are very smart birds they caught right on to the fact that the closer they stepped to Lukas the more likely I was to throw massive chunks of bread or even whole slices at them so they wouldn't come any closer. I love my boy and like I told the birds, "Touch him, and you i'll drown you myself". Nan's been poorly, she has a nasty chest infection that just seems to keep spreading despite antibiotics. I am hoping that they will find something to treat it soon because I hate seeing her ill. There have been other dramas here as always and my cousin has a new baby girl. Her names Ruby and I am dying to see her so I can take lots and lots of pictures. But I'm sure your all wondering what's going on with my marriage, well things aren't that bad right now. Mark is still being a bit of a pig same old issues, but I am reaching the point where I no longer feel the need to resort to making into a row. His solution right now is he acts like a pig, he buys me something so I am getting lots of new Digi Stash lol. It's not all bad he seems happier than he's been for a while, I tune out the constant sport with my new Ipod, I hear the words love you quite a lot. Things aren't exactly sunshine and roses but they aren't completely dark and depressing either I guess for now there's a bit of a fog and nothing is really clear. I do believe that Mark loves me on some level, and he likes being back here. Things will work out one way or the other they always do. For now there's not much I can do except sit back for the ride.

Time to make a few confessions

1. I really did mean to get back here and do this before.
2. I'm still not really sure how I am going to word this post, so I am just going to go for it and hope I end up making a little sense.
Me and Mark came to the decision that our marriage deserved one last chance, he moved back in with me and Lukas. Things are very rocky right now and I really don't know how I feel about it. The truth is it was kind of nice when he wasn't here, I lived in a house full of peace for a while. There was no bickering, I didn't shout at Lukas at all but I was still willing to trade it all for my husband, what can I say I am a fool. I tried to be strong and set down ground rules before we moved back in together. I thought we had an understanding but I was so wrong. Now I live with a man who could care less about the rules we made, a man who is even worse than he was before and now has the added minus of being a smoker again. He's stroppy, biting mine and Lukas head off at every opportunity and I am stuck. I wanted my marriage to work but he's not the man I fell in love with anymore. He's mean and nasty and I feel as if every day when I get up and I let him treat me like this another piece of me dies. There's a rough road ahead and there are tough choices to be made. If only I could find Mark again I catch glimpses of the old man and I like what I see he's not gone completely just buried and I would love nothing more than to dig him out from under this hateful human being my husband is becoming. I remarked to him the other day that we had more sex when he lived at his mothers and he simply replied fine i'll go back there then. From the way he acts you would think that he is being denied sex but he's just not interested. He's content to sit and watch sport, play his laptop or his playstation 2 and not speak to anyone. I need more than that, I need to feel someone holding me, I need to see someone looking at me like they love me. *Sigh* there's bound to be another row later on tonight because I am feeling kind of edgey and emotional today thanks to getting my period this morning. I would be lying if I said I wasn't gutted but I get like this every month I would so like another baby I always felt confident when I had a baby to care for, they don't judge and they love unconditionally, don't get me wrong I still get that from Lukas I just don't get it as often as I need it. He's at school all day, he sleeps in his own room at night and I just really feel like he doesn't need me anymore. This is a real downer of a post so let's finish it off with something a bit more positive. I got my new Ipod Shuffle this morning (came free with my audible.co.uk subscription I can't read a book anymore so audio books are my only way to get back to "reading". The best part is I can listen to them while I do other stuff. Multitasking rocks lol). I am loving it. I am currently shifting my itunes onto it, I can't run CS3 and Itunes because they crash my system so I have been resorting to cds and it's a pain. I currently have 150+ songs on my Ipod and there's still space, Just press play and i'm good to go sounds fabulous to me. Might be back later.

I have stuff to say

But I don't know where to start.I don't know if I mentioned it or not but I was lucky enough to be offered two guest CT Spots one with Jennifer Schmitt who sells here, and one with DeDe Smith who sells here,here,here,here and here. So I have been busy scrapping, and uploading layouts. There's a lot going on at home but I don't have time to talk about it now Lukas is off school today because he was sick everywhere last night, he's moaning about various things. Maybe I will get time to pop back later.

Do you ever have one of those days

where you are sitting at the end of it thinking you have been banging your head against a brick wall all day, or maybe that it would have been easier if you had?
Lukas's school has had an outbreak of sickness, yesterday 40 kids and various teachers were sent home they ended up putting buckets into some of the classes for the kids to throw up in while they were frantically ringing around parents to come get their puking kid. Lukas came home with a rash all over him. So being the mummy that I am I decided to keep him home today. Well let's just say that now I understand why parents look forward to their kids being at school and why they dread the holidays. He's been a little horror for me today. Everything has needed to be repeated over and over and over again. He has pulled all my bedding off over and over and over again. Just don't ask about the bedding it's a sore point basically he strips all the bedding off the bed and piles it onto the floor, why I haven't a clue. How to stop it, no clue there either. I have tried begging, threatening, punishing,I have tried screaming, shouting, taking toys away and still he continues to do it. I am just fed up with it all today. I am sick again have a temperature, feel rough and have a headache from hell, I just didn't need Lukas to be a pain today. Nan doesn't help when I moan to her about him she responds with "he's been an angel down here". Kind of makes me want to smash her head against a wall. I know he's been good downstairs, I know he's ALWAYS good downstairs don't rub it in! He's good downstairs for two reasons 1. he has CBeebies to watch, 2. he has a playstation to play. So he's occupied and like I have said before once he's doing something he hears nothing. I got one small victory today though. He finally picked up all the toy cars and animals from his room, I threatened to bin everything on the carpet if it wasn't picked up in 30 minutes. Normally I am pretty patient with Lukas but today I just feel like everything he is doing wrong is driving me crazy and I am snapping at him. I guess if I didn't feel ill it wouldn't be so bad. I also know that a lot of it comes down to me feeling resentful. I feel overwhelmed by everything and all of Lukas's questions and requests are tiring, they require energy I don't have and while I am struggling and very close to breaking point, my husband is still at his mothers. He comes and takes Lukas to school, and picks him up. Spends about 10 minutes a day with Lukas and moans about doing that. I resent him a lot especially when he says "Well you kicked me out", no actually I didn't I told you to pack your stuff and leave so I didn't kill you because you were driving me mad. If I really meant it I would have packed your bags myself, dumbass. I get so sick of having all the blame ladled onto me. Like the whole you hit me thing. Yes I did hit him, and I apologised over and over and over again for it. But why did I hit him because he drove me over the edge. He will accept no blame and I get really sick of everyone thinking he was an innocent victim who was kicked out by his violent wife. The more honest version would be he was hit by a wife who had long since reached her breaking point, a wife who was acting more like a mother to him. I mean to be fair how many people would not crack under the pressure of living with a 30 year old man who acts like a 3 year old? All I ever did was repeat myself - "please take the dishes down", "please take the washing down", "Please don't drop rubbish on the floor". It would have been bad enough to do that day after day after day, without feeling ill. It got to a point where I chose my computer over my bed with my husband because I was sick to death of being pushed away, why bother trying to be close to him only to be ignored, or moved out of the way of the sport on the television. That's without the issue of trying not to retch when laying next to him because he hadn't had a bath for so long. Don't get me wrong I love Mark, even now and I would still be willing to risk going through all the crap again to make our marriage work.I don't want to be another statistic, I want my marriage to work out. I want the stubborn, pigheaded, ignorant son of a bitch to come home. Family is important to me and it always will be. I still hold hope for my marriage, it lives in the shame place that believes one day my mum will tell me she loves me and my dad will wake up and realise how much I love him and stop letting me down. What can I say I am a fool. Lukas is asleep I might go and join him and see if I feel brighter in the morning.

Inspiration anyone?

I bought these a while back at A Cherry On Top and they are incredibly cool.
Even I have no excuse to say I have no inspiration. Anyway they have been revamped and re-released and are on sale for 40% at Katie's brand new store Scrapbook Lady Designs. Just in case you don't know who Katie is, she's a Digital Designer with a very cool blog here where she provides a monthly set of prompts to "Round Up" your month. Check out September's here, she also hosts the Wordy Wednesday challenge at The Digi Shoppe Blog. I'll be back in a bit I have some layouts to share.

You may have noticed the new look

The happy perky lilac colours and header made with my wedding photos just wasn't doing it for me anymore. So I went for something a bit darker to match my mood, the header is a work in progress. I love the photo but I need to make a few more bits and pieces for it. If you were wondering the header is made with something I have been playing around with it's a work in progress called Sunshine After The Rain. But I make papers, then I forget about it for a while. Right now I believe there are 16 papers for it. When I think it's complete I will share it with anyone that wants it.
I am feeling very sad I found out yesterday that my mum had the baby on Thursday. She was 9 weeks early and weighs 3lb something. I believe her name is Maya. There were complications and my mum lost a lot of blood but she signed herself out of the hospital because of the no smoking policy they have in place. I am hurt that nobody even wanted to call me, I found out from Nan. I wish with all my heart that there was some way to begin mending the relationship but there just isn't my mum doesn't understand the concept of forgiving anyone she holds a grudge and I guess on some level so do I. I would love to see my baby sister or just know that she was ok but I can't. I don't have my best friend to talk to anymore because he became my husband and now wants a divorce and I just feel so overwhelmingly lonely I am lost for words to describe it. I have nobody to talk to, nobody to make it better anymore. I hate feeling so powerless, my life is slipping away from me and there's nothing I can do about it, except sit here and watch it leave. I am really starting to understand why people resort to suidicide, or alcohol or drugs to take this feeling away. While I can resist pouring myself a large drink or taking a large quantity of pills I am starting to understand why some people do and I don't like it. It was always easier to assume that they must have had no feelings for anyone around them, that they cared about no-one but themselves and that they allowed themselves to wallow in self pity and loathing. But I guess maybe they just felt like I do now and they felt like they had no-one to turn to either. Or maybe they just felt like enough was enough. I have been through so many trials in my life and through them all I have seen that distant light at the end of the tunnel, as dull as it was at times it was always there and I was always determined to reach it but now it's all just so dark. I feel like I am feeling my way through life like a blind person and I guess I am just wondering why I am bothering.Everytime I ask myself that question the answer I come up with is for Lukas. I do it all for him. I want to be strong for him and never give up on hoping that things will get better. But it's hard to find hope in the dark.