Happy 2 Grumpy

Happy 2 Grampy, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Tuesday Template, 23rd November 2010) by Connie Prince, Modern Christmas by Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2Day Designs) and Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs), Retail Therapy contributions (alpha, scatter and glitter) by Mad Genius Designs and Melissa Robinson (Melly Scraps) and Ribbon Mix by Miss Tiina. Font is DJB Lisa S Print by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: At first when we put you into your Santa suit, you were all smiles. You liked the texture under your fingers and sitting in my chair. I was taking photos of you looking adorable and everything was perfectly fine. Then I decided to put the toy reindeer next to you, thinking it would be cute. You completely flipped out and started screaming. You ripped the hat off your head and threw it on the floor. You quickly went back to smiles again, just as soon as the Santa suit was removed!

Wow 6 years

If you came for the layouts or the blog train, you need to scroll down, this post is only going to be about one thing, today is Leo's anniversary. It's 6 years today since my world changed forever, and my heart shattered into millions of tiny little pieces. Every year his anniversary is hard, I sink deeper and deeper into depression from August 24th (his birthday) until at least today, although to be fair the dark cloud always hangs around through Christmas and the New Year, neither passes without tears. Every year it's different, I never quite know what I am going to get as far as emotions go. There is always sadness and lots and lots of tears. There have been years where I have spent the whole day in bed alternating between crying and sleeping from the exhaustion of crying so much. Last year was unique, we had a new baby and I was so confused and messed up. I needed to escape the house filled with dark memories and sorrow, I booked a hotel room and we ran away from it all. This year is kind of unique to, we have a new house somewhere he hasn't ever really been except in our hearts, even his ashes are still at Nan's. He's too precious to put just anywhere and we don't have any shelves or anything up yet. This year I am struggling, the fog of grief isn't quite so dense when I am not being faced with memories of him everywhere I look. But the problem with that is that when the hurt comes back, and it always comes back, it hurts worse. It's like being punched in the chest with emotion. Before I was sad all the time, I missed him all the time, I remembered all the time. Now there are moments however brief when I forget, or other thoughts take up centre stage in my head. When you don't really remember what it felt like before the grief and the sadness, you get used to feeling like that and become a little desensitized to how much pain is actually there. But when you are reminded it's like the first time all over again only multiplied by infinity. I don't need to retreat from anyone here, because there's no-one to retreat from. But there is someone to hide from, Logan is too little to know about Leo, but he's not too little to understand when Mummy's sad. If he sees me crying, he rushes over and throws his arms around me. It's incredibly difficult to separate my desire to be sad about Leo and my desire to not make Logan sad. I have to admit that before Logan was born it was very simple to just drown in sorrow. I justified it to myself by saying that Lukas understood why I was so sad, he often started crying about Leo out of nowhere too. But Logan, he just sees the tears. His only understanding is that the photo by the tv in the teddy bear frame, makes mummy cry and it's not too be touched or played with. He picks it up and brings it to me, he's gentle and sweet with it. I sit him on my lap and I show him other photos on the computer of the big brother he doesn't get to play with. I haven't stopped loving Leo, I don't love Logan more but sometimes it's too hard for words to keep the divides from blurring together, it makes my whole life a balancing act between missing him too much and not missing him enough. I feel guilty that I don't miss him more, feel guilty that I miss him enough for Logan to notice. It's confusing. Sometimes I feel like I have to punish myself for getting on with my life without him, I caught myself smiling at something Logan did earlier and felt like I was betraying Leo by not being devastated all the time, today of all days. Logan's asleep now and I can let the tears flow freely, only I don't feel like crying right now. I used to think if I had a time machine I would go back, do things differently to try and avoid the pain, but now I wonder if I had got to keep Leo would I even have Logan. Sometimes he feels a bit like my reward for enduring all the pain of losing Leo, he was exactly what I needed even though I didn't know it. He's like a constant ray of sunshine kicking all the shadows and dark thoughts in the corner and forcing them to stay there. It's impossible to stay miserable when you are around him, he's so cheeky and full of fun. The love I had for Leo was so different, in ways a lot more intense but the love came with pain. The only one thing I know for sure is that it takes all 3 of my boys to make me complete. It takes all of them to make me the person I was, the person I am and even the person I am going to be in the future. Tonight I am going to light a candle for Leo, just like we always do only we don't need to walk to a park tonight, we can just use our garden. We will stand outside and probably freeze our butts off so we can sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to him. Maybe I will allow myself a few minutes to grieve and play one of his songs or scrap a page for him, today is not really the kind of day to make plans for. It's too hard to know how I am going to feel from one moment to the next. The one thing I know for sure, tomorrow I will be exhausted from the rollercoaster of emotions, and I will still miss him. I will miss him everyday until I get to be with him again, and when I do I will probably hurt just as bad missing the other two. I love you Leo, always.

Baby Boy

Baby Boy, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Template 2) by jellebelleke, More Than Words Family by Darcy Baldwin and Jenny Hutson and 10x10 Page Mats Scallops and Afternoon Hush (slightly recoloured) both by C.W Picket & Company.

Choo Choo Blog Train coming through

I know it seems like I only ever post layouts, so today I am doing something a little bit different. I am taking part in a blog train and giving you a freebie. Some of the designers and CT at DSDI got together to make a collection of quick pages using this month’s FOTM kit, Retail Therapy. It’s Thanksgiving in the USA today I think and Black Friday tomorrow, but don’t quote me on that I am from the UK lol. Whether you are shopping for Black Friday, Christmas, The January Sales or even just a fun shopping trip with friends these quick pages will be perfect to scrap the experience. Personally I prefer to shop online and then sit back and wait for my stuff to be delivered lol. Since I am kind of getting off the point and I really need to get Logan ready so we can get Lukas from school I am going to get on with giving you your freebie.

Inside the download you will find a coupon that will allow you to pick up Retail Therapy for 75% off, this is valid until 31st December. Please click here or on the preview for your download link.

You can find all of the other stops here

Digi Scraps Drive-In
Giggly Polkadots
Lukasmummy
Kerry's Scraps
Gail's Moment in Time
The Cute Gets Cuter
Jen C Designs
Daphadilly Art
Mad Genius Designs
Amy!Scraps

Just two last things before I go, you still have time to take advantage of Laura’s (C.W Picket & Company) spend $5 get $5 sale until the 30th November and Jewel (Mad Genius Designs) is having a Black Friday sale, 40% off everything, minimum order of $3.50.

Nan and Malcolm

Nan and Malcolm, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Drifting, Template F, Slightly Altered) by Gabriella Hägglund (Ella Designs) and Afternoon Hush by Laura White (C.W Picket & Company). Font is DJB Pato by Darcy Baldwin).
Journalling reads: Nan and Malcolm, with me at the airport, circa 1985.

Presents From Santa

Presents From Santa, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Modern Christmas by Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2Day Designs) and Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs) and 10x10 Page Mats Scallops by Laura White (C.W Picket & Company). Font is DJB My Dear Marsha by Darcy Baldwin.

Lukas and Logan

Lukas and Logan, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Heritage Book maker, Title Page Template), Ribbon Templates and P365 Roy G Biv Fall all by C.W Picket & Company, Gratitude JFK Wordart by Melanie's Digital Creations and CoffeeShop Golden Vintage Photo Action.

Lukas and Nan

Lukas and Nan, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Template 858 Square) by Andrea Gold and The Works Soda Shoppe Color Pop by Janet Bracewell (JanetB Designs). Font is DJB Mandy by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: As a scrapper I often take a lot of photos in my attempt to get one good one. But sometimes it’s not about trying to get a great shot, it’s simply about capturing a moment in time. Like these photos of Nan and Lukas. I took them on my mobile phone because I thought it was so cute how he was cuddling with her. The colour is bad, the quality is awful and they are super tiny, but these 3 photos mean more to me than a lot of the other more “perfect” shots.

Cake

Cake, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Everyday Templates, Template 4) by Laura White (C.W Picket & Company), Alphaset Templates Circle by Miss Tiina and Brrr Glitters, Brrr Patterns. Brrr Craft Styles, Brrr Solids and Brrr Elements all by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs). Font is 101! StaR StuDDeD.

I Miss You

I Miss You, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Everyday Templates, Template 3 rotated 180 degrees clockwise) by Laura White (C.W Picket & Company) and In Your Eyes Love (slightly recoloured) and In Your Eyes Love Cardstock by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs). Fonts are Staccato222 BT and Candara.
Text is lyrics to I Miss You by Darren Hayes.

Love My Family

Love My Family, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Easy As Pie Template Challenge 5), by Beckie (Shabby Princess CT), Strung Along Frames by Rochelle Hall (Man In The Moon Designs), All Together Blog Train WordArt (altered) by Kathy Winters, Family Memories by Ivonne Ivett (Craft-tastrophic Designs) and My Heart Shines and Heart Genius Volume 1 by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs). Font is DJB TracyL by Darcy Baldwin.
Journalling reads: Sometimes when I am sitting by myself. Those quiet moments when not with no one else. I'm mesmerized by all the many good things in my life. Lyrics from My Lovely Family by Yo Gabba Gabba and The Roots.

Desktop 4 Laptop

Desktop 4 Laptop, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Desktop 4, 1440x900) by Lukasmummy (me), 4x12 Paper Cutters 1 and 4x12 Paper Cutters 2 by Chrissy W, Brrr Solids, Brrr Craft Styles, Brrr Patterns and Brrr Glitter Styles all by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs).

Playing In The Leaves

Playing In The Leaves, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Sketchology Autumnatopoeia, Template 4) by Lena Brandenburg/Gardner and Tabatha Reed (Bella Gypsy Designs) and Playing In The Leaves by Jolly Kids Creations By Marie. Fonts are Echo and DJB Play Misty For Me by Darcy Baldwin.

Jump In Leaves Together

Jump In Leaves Together, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Playing In The Leaves by Jolly Kids Creations By Marie and Autumn Medley by Katie Pertiet. Font is DJB Coffeeshoppe Espresso by Darcy Baldwin.

Bouncy Horse

Bouncy Horse, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (November 2010, Made In The Shade Template Challenge) by Gail, P365 Roy G Biv Fall, P365 Roy G Biv Summer, P365 Roy G Biv Solids and Dots Papers and Toolbox Alpha (recoloured) all by Laura White C.W Picket & Company. Font is Pea Picky Panda by Amanda Bottoms (Fonts For Peas).
Journalling reads: At the school fete one of the events, that seems to be there every year is the bouncy horse races. This time around there was no-one for you to race but you still wanted a turn. It was hilarious watching you try and stay on the bouncy horse because you were laughing so much every time you fell off. The horse’s “clothes” kept on falling off which made you giggle even more. It took a while but you eventually made it across the finish line. All of us including the teacer running the race were really proud of your persistance to finish, but no-one was as proud as you were of yourself for doing it!

Kick It!

Kick It!, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Everyday Templates, Template 1), My Soccer Star and My Soccer Star Wordart all by Laura White (C.W Picket & Company). Font is MS Sans Serif.
Journalling reads: For most people seeing their little boy kick a ball is no big deal. But to me this was huge. You have always had some issues with coordination and balance. You found it so hard to concentrate and focus. But you have never given up on anything that you want to do. You dive right in and have a go, it doesn’t matter that you know the ball will never end up in the goal (or you might miss it altogether). You still try, that makes me so proud of you Lukas.

Thankful

Thankful, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (September 2010, Template Challenge) by Aimee Harrison (Girlboheme Studio), Bracketed Sentiments by Katie Pertiet and January Love by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs). Font is Segoe Print.
Journalling reads: Having two premature babies before Logan gave us a different perception of what a “normal” birth experience was. We were prepared for him to be born early, to be tiny and to be rushed straight to special care. Then he surprised us all he wasn’t anywhere near as small as we had expected he seemed to have nothing wrong with him and for the first time, our baby was handed to us for cuddles, not only in the ambulance on the way to hospital but once we got there too. He was even allowed to stay with me and come up onto the ward. Lukas got to come and visit with Nan, Lisa and Ella and to be honest it seemed a little bit too good to be true. None of us realised how thankful we would end up being for these photos, when our “normal” again got ripped out from under us. Logan went to special care for a blood test and ended up being admitted. It seems stupid but this was our hardest special care stay, he didn’t look sick like Lukas and Leo had. He didn’t need help breathing or staying warm. Special care’s rules meant that Lukas wasn’t allowed to visit and it was so difficult balancing the desire to be with Logan and the need to care for Lukas especially since we had no help. It was 13 long days before we were finally able to start being a real family, and bring Logan home.

Mark and Logan

Mark and Logan, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Freebie 52) by Chrissy W and January Love by Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs). Font is Staccato222 BT.
Quote reads: I love men in bed when they are sleeping. But then they have to go and wake up. Daphne Zuniga.

Dia De Los Muertos

Dia De Los Muertos, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (Temp Blends Volume 6, Template 2) by Jenn Lindsey and Dia De Los Muertos by Bean Bunny Designs. Font is Popstar Autograph.
Journalling reads: We always celebrated your birth on your birthday and mourned your loss on your anniversary. With the two dates being just 3 months and 4 days apart it was hard for us to ever find the chance to celebrate your life. Words can never begin to describe how grateful we are that we had you in our life even for the short while that we did. One day we were sitting together on the bed watching an episode of Handy Manny, they were talking about a day called Dia De Los Muertos, something I had never even heard of. A quick google search and look at Wikipaedia and I found what I was looking for "In most regions of Mexico, 1st November honors children and infants, dead adults are honored on November 2. This is indicated by generally referring to November 1 as DIa de Los Inocentes (Day of the Innocents) but also as Dia de Los Angelitos ("Day of the Little Angels"). Last year (2009) we decided that we were going to celebrate all three of our angel babies on 1st November. We stayed in a hotel, I bought a gift for each of the boys from our angels and we took a trip on the London Eye, so it felt like we were a little bit closer to them for a while.

Logan's First Christmas

Logan's First Christmas, originally uploaded by Lukasmummy.

Credits: Layered template (October 11th 2010, Template Freebie from Eva Kipler's Blog) by HeatherKS and Retail Therapy Mega kit contributions by Jaime Rhinehart (Cjoy2Day Designs), Joelle Lester (Daphadilly Art), Janet Bracewell (JanetB Designs), Melissa Robinson (Melly Scraps), Charm City Scraps, Bonnie Blou and Jewel Goodwin (Mad Genius Designs). Fonts are SA Inkspot by Shellie in co and Promised Freedom by Kimberly Geswein.
Journalling reads: We parked your swing seat in the centre of the presents, so you could see what was going on. You weren't really sure what was going on but you loved it!