Maybe there's a chance to put that Merry back into Christmas

Hey if I can cut my hand trying to remove a dead bulb from one of the Christmas Story books, knock a shelf off onto my foot while trying to remove the back of the cabinet so I could thread the wires behind it so that the kids couldn't accidently pull them off, have an allergic reaction to the Christmas tree, whack my hand with a hammer trying to put up a nail for the card holder, get a splinter while going out to the shed to look for the lost extension leads and do all this while being ill myself, Nan being ill and Lukas being ill then still get a content feeling from watching the Polar Express DVD with Lukas I guess that maybe there is hope for Christmas yet.

*sigh*

Yesterday was a strange old day, we were sad and miserable as to be expected. But we also put up the Christmas Tree, and started decorating the house. It felt so wrong to me to do it but we have always had all of our decorations up by the 1st December usually it's so they are up for my mum's birthday on the 4th. I can't get into any kind of christmas spirit. Nan is really poorly, when I was younger she had a serious problem with one of her legs and had to be admitted to hospital. It's much worse than she had it before but when she went to the doctors they just gave her a week's worth of antibiotics and sent her home. When she had it before they took her straight into hospital for some IV antibiotics. I am worried about her, she can hardly stand on her leg and it's swollen to about 2/3 times the usual size and it's very red and angry looking. Lukas is more ill than I have ever seen him before he can't stop coughing can hardly speak because his throat is so sore and has a constantly running nose. He gets a lot of coughs and colds but not usually like this he gets a nasty barking cough and that's it or he gets a runny nose never both at the same time. He's currently watching Cartoon network because he's too sick to sleep bless him. I have been asleep most of the day because I am wiped out from all the emotion of yesterday and I am in a lot of pain. I still have my stupid period and it's really heavy this time. I just feel utterly miserable with life and tomorrow I have to try and decorate the Christmas Tree, it takes almost the whole day pulling the branches out on it, adding the lights and then when that's done it's time to start the task of putting up all the other lights around the house. It's supposed to be a fun family activity but I just can't get motivated to be happy about it, truthfully it just seems like a waste of time and effort we aren't enjoying any of it because we feel ill but I guess the hope is once it's done seeing it will make us happier. I just wish I knew how to find some of that holiday spirit I used to have, I used to really love Christmas now I swing between being completely indifferent about it to despising it for all it's falseness and work it brings with it. There's not anything to look forward to with Christmas this year, there won't be any getting together with family since my mum still isn't talking to me , my dad can't even manage to pick up a phone and call me or write a letter, heck I would be thrilled with an email even and don't even get me started on Mark's family. There won't be any party on Boxing Day this year, so no getting dressed up and having fun to look forward to. We don't drink much so it's not like we could even look forward to doing that and being silly and to be completely honest even Lukas doesn't seem to be all that bothered this year. *sigh* if anyone has an spare Christmas Spirit they could lend me I really would appreciate it, catch you tomorrow after the tree is decorated. Maybe I will even bother to take photos of it to show you.

We played this at his funeral

and today it seems fitting to attempt to share a video I found on youtube

Today's post is a letter to my little angel

and before anyone emails me and thinks I have lost the plot. I know perfectly well that my little guy isn't alive, I haven't gone cuckoo but I figure if there is a god of some description watching my sweet angel boy in heaven they have the power to watch over the world, then heck they have the power to get the message however it happens to be conveyed some people pray I blog what can I say it's a lot cheaper than going to a medium lol.

It's three years ago tomorrow, well technically today since it's 2:39am that you went away and do you know what it still hurts me more than I can bear. Lukas is staying home from school so we can do something to remember you by, something more productive than sitting at home crying. I could cry from now until eternity but it won't change anything will it. Those tears will only make my heart raw from pain, my chest heave with sobs and my mind ache from the outpouring of emotion that if I start I will never be able to stop. Tomorrow we are going somewhere that is outside of these 4 walls, and believe me when I say we will be trying all day not to think of you. Does that sound cruel? I didn't mean it to, you are always in our hearts and on our minds not a day goes by where our deepest wish is not to have you here, but tomorrow is just one of those days that hurts that bit more. Just like your birthday does, and christmas does but tomorrow hurts most because tomorrow is not a day that would have been if you were here like the others we don't wonder what would you be doing now if you hadn't died like we do on the others because tomorrow is the one day that makes all the others unbearable, if tomorrow hadn't happened everything else would have. Everything except the tears, the hurt, the unimaginable soul destroying sorrow they wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been for tomorrow. I hate that tomorrow the pictures I see of you in my mind aren't the ones that I scrap, they aren't the ones we display for everyone to be reminded that you must never be forgotten, they are the images of your swollen body a reaction to the drugs they pumped into you in a pointless effort to make you better. The images of you poor red face, raw from the tape you were allergic to. The images of my beautiful baby boy who had changed into something I didn't recognise something that had tubes and wires everywhere. I would happily sacrifice anything to be able to remove those images from my mind to only see your soft brown fluffy hair and your gorgeous eyes open and looking at me, to see your beautiful delicate skin and your tiny little hands unmarked, to see you as my Leo. Lukas misses you so much, he cries all the time for you and it breaks my heart over and over again to see how much he is hurting. I hate tomorrow, because it makes me resent you, it makes me almost hate you for hurting us all so much. I feel so helpless tomorrow because I know that it's going to come next year, and the year after and it's never going to go away. Every year it will bring back all the bad feelings, the hurt and it's so hard to bear. I hope you understand why it hurts so much, why I hate it so much. I'll be ok afterwards it's easier to cope, it hurts just as much but it's not so overwhelming. I love you so much Leo and I hate that tomorrow makes my love for you hide beneath all the horrible emotions, I hate that tomorrow is the only day of the year I love you less because I can't remember how to just love you tomorrow. I only know how to hate what tomorrow is and hate what it does to me, I only know how to hurt tomorrow, and there's not a thing in the world that can kill that pain. I'm going to bed now little guy, I have a hard day tomorrow and let's face it I am not exactly the strongest person on a normal day, I need everything I am and then some for tomorrow. I love you with all my heart and soul little guy even if it doesn't sound like that right now. Please forgive me for anything I say in anger or pain tomorrow after all I am nothing but a mummy who is in pain xxx

The advent calendar for Artist's lol

So I was reading my google reader today and I spotted a very cool post by Hilmarose, she posted about a countdown to Christmas found here each day there will be a free download posted. I think this sounds very cool but since I really like advent calenders I am sure I will still find a way to add chocolate advent calenders to the trolley in tesco's for me and Lukas lol.

What happened to Sympathy?

I had another accident today, I slipped while getting out of the bath and really hurt myself. I went into our bedroom to lick my wounds (no not literally lol) Mark went to have his bath. I just got a right mouthful from Nan because apparently there was "puddles of water everywhere" in the bathroom, now tell me wouldn't you have assumed that any water that spilt from the bath when I fell would have been cleaned up by DH either before he got in the bath or after he got out? I so don't get how I deserved the crap I got from her for hurting myself, but then like I have said before everything seems to be my fault. Mark loses the remote and I am expected to know where it is, Nan has a problem and I am supposed to know how to fix it. A great example of that was her prescription, she comes in to me and says I have no tablets left she takes them every night I even do them all in her little medical box thing when I remember yet I am the one who is supposed to know that she needs more tablets. Her prescription needs to be put in at least 48 hours before collection (they prefer 72 hours), when we go back and pick up her prescription we have to take it to the chemist to collect it and they almost always have to give her the pathetic stock of them they have and order in the rest. Yes you would assume that since we use the same chemist every month they would order them in advance but what can I say the place is run by men there isn't an ounce of logic in the building lol. She usually tells me about her prescription either on a Friday so it can't even be put in until the Monday and obviously she's only got enough left to only just last or not last at all, or she tells me just after the surgery has closed for the day. Don't forget we are the only ones without a car to get around with because neither of us can drive yet we are the ones responsible for almost all her running around. I had a row with Mark because on Wednesday (Leo's Anniversary) Mark booked the day off to spend with me because we always try and do something special and now informs me he will be out all day because Nan needs bills paying at all different banks, she needs a prescription picking up and numerous other errands running that obviously she couldn't ask her precious Lisa to do in the car! But I do it all, I don't moan about it (well at least not to her) and I have even started solving the medications problem by removing one card of tablets from each box and putting them somewhere else, she then thinks she's run out and I have ample time to actually get Mark to put her presciption in, collect it and for the chemist order it ready to be collected. When she orders stuff off the shopping channel at stupid o'clock I am the fool who sits up for her to take the payment calls, and all I ever seem to get from her is crap so would someone please tell me why I even bother trying?

Did you miss me?

I bet you didn't lol. Wondering what I have been up to? Nope didn't think so but I am going to tell you anyway lol. Well I took a trip (I mean the kind only I can do where I end up on my bum lol) sprained my wrist and my and my ankle and got a lovely big gash across the bottom of my foot. I have had to reinstall my computer from scratch again and I picked up a few things in the Black Friday Sales. We don't celebrate Thanksgiving or Black Friday in the UK but who am I to not take advantage of some of the truly amazing Sales going on lol.

I finally caved and bought Traci Reed's Lightroom Presets, at a very cool 40% now I am wondering how I managed without them lol.
Pop Starrs Lightroom Preset Bundle
Dream Team Lightroom Presets Bundle

I picked up some new Tracy Blankenship templates at ScrapDish
Templates with Attitude 6x6 xmas albums sets 1 and 2

I went to ScrapArtist and picked up some Two Sisters Designs Stuff
La vie en paint Collection
Blessed: The Kit
FALLing into Art: The Kit
Beauty Marks Vol. 4
Beauty Marks Vol. 5
Beauty Marks Vol. 6
Beauty Marks Vol. 7
Beauty Marks Vol. 8
Sponge Strokes
Addy's Party Flowers
Journal Me Plenty
Live Free
W is for Watercolor: Bits and Pieces
Stitched Grids
Our Closet: The Basics-Collection 1
I already had the first 3 Beauty Marks Sets so I just got the missing ones, even though the complete collection is an absolute steal! They are retiring some items at 50% off this weekend is a 30% off sale at ScrapArtist so you get 50% off and then a further 30% off but all the retiring products will be gone on Monday!

I went to OScraps and picked up some Sue Cumming's wordart, and got a free gift for spending over $5.00
These two are part of Scrap Apple Subscription I have so they were free lol
"Scrap" Apple Inspirations *Special Edition {Christmas}
"Scrap" Apple Inspirations {Week 13}

From My Chalkboard {Christmas ABC's}
From My Sketchbook {Father}
From My Notebook - Mothers Day {Mum}
From My Notebook - Mothers Day
Special Offer {November 2007}

I also got a template and Grab Bag by Melanie Colosimo, the grab bag was free with any purchase.
Drip Drop - 2 Page Template
Black Friday Grab Bag

Next up Christina Renee Designs newest goodies, If you remember I won a coupon good for 100% off anything in her store that lasted for 3 months and is still valid so these were free as well lol
Miniatures
Ultimate Art Collection
Spunky Flower Garden
ScruffyBet

and I finished up with a few items from the Lily Pad
Some Layered templates by Lauren Barden
Scrap Pad - Big and Bold
and some new Kate Hadfield goodies
Jacque and Kate's Make Your Own Snowman
Jacque and Kate's Make Your Own Christmas Tree
Doodled Black Alpha
Doodled Paper Folds.

The only thing I wanted that I didn't pick up was a few items at Scrapbook Graphics because of some issues with processing my card Mark's going to buy them for me on Monday lol.

Right now that I have hopefully given you some ideas how to spend your cash lol, I have to run I have loads to do today and it's already 5pm!

It's turning out to be one of those weeks

you know the kind that make you frequently question why you bother getting up in the morning. The ones that make you wonder if you dropped dead tomorrow would anyone really give a damn, or in fairness just another normal week in my life!
Monday - Wasn't too bad, Mark moved all the furniture in our room and we bought the new Harry Potter film which is rubbish compared to the book!
Tuesday - Mark had to work, I was really ill and woke up to Nan bitching at me, the day didn't get any better and after having to stand in the rain waiting to pick up Conor because Lisa couldn't be bothered to get Ella out of the car, the day ended with a blazing row with Nan. If that wasn't bad enough Lukas threw up everywhere as well.
Wednesday - Lukas stayed off school because he is full of cold and feeling poorly, Nan is refusing to even speak to me because she's sulking over the row. She's of the opinion that everything I said is lies and I think she's a nagging old bat who is full of crap!
Which brings us to today, Lukas got scared by the bloody cat coming into our garden and screeching again (I think it was trying to get my hedgehog out from under the shed again!) and ended up sleeping across the bottom of my bed, so I am tired and stiff today from trying not to hurt him in the night, I am still feeling more sick than normal, Lukas is still off school, Nan is still being hostile but at least she's answering me today and Mark well he's at work until 7pm still not listening to me, or doing anything I ask. I am just about to try and make a dent in my huge to do list if I can drown out the noise of Cartoon Network talking to itself in the background, Lukas coughing and whinging and ignore the burning desire to go back to bed!

In the words of kermit - It's not easy being green

with envy that is. Christopher and Amy bought Ruby over today, she's a month old now and that was the 1st time we had seen her. She's utterly adorable and wouldn't you know it my camera batteries were flat! I didn't want to give her back and neither did Lukas. I got the sweetest smile from her, she's got tonnes of hair just like Leo used to have it's the same sort of colour as well, it was so strange except for the pink babygro I could have sworn for a second it was the same baby. She holds herself up so alert and knowing just like he used to, eyes wide open scared to close them for a second incase she misses something. The bit that almost made me cry though was as I put her to my shoulder she reached out her hand and touched my face. When she did it I kind of felt like I had just had a really huge electric shock Leo always did that and as she put her hand down I felt at peace with the world, it's the first time since Leo died that I have ever felt like that even if it was just for a short while. I think it was the realisation that life goes on. Amy and Christopher lost a baby just before Ruby they called her Evie I wonder if Ruby is ever going to know that they hold her so much closer because there will always be the ever present fear that they will lose her. She is loved more than she will ever be able to imagine.

Just call me the tooth fairy

I really hate school trips, let me rephrase that I really hate school trips where I can't go and take pictures lol. Today I hate them more than normal. Not only did my little guy go on a school trip today that I have no pictures of he lost his 1st tooth while he was there. The trip was to see birds at a nature reserve thing he says he had a great time but was really sad that he lost his tooth. I'm really sad that I wasn't there with him and that I don't have it here to scrap lol. But I did what I do best. Me and Nan pretended to call the tooth fairy and ask her to please leave Lukas a gift for being a brave boy. While she did that I made him a letter from the tooth fairy explaining that all lost teeth go straight to her magic castle and various other stuff to make him feel better. With some gliter, rubon's and a little effort later he has a very cool letter from the tooth fairy complete with £5 note (hey it's his first I made it perfectly clear that paper money is only for the 1st tooth lol) and a £2 coin in a little jewellery box because that was the closest I get to "gold coin" from the tooth fairy. He's worth every penny. I have been reading a lot of things lately saying that the Tooth Fairy, Father Christmas etc is a form of lying to kids, and honestly I don't believe that's true. I want him to believe that there is more to the world than what you can see, I want him to believe in the possibility that special things happen to everyone. I don't lie to him about anything he asked me where babies come from and I told him, he asked me why grass was green and I told him he didn't understand hardly any of the explanation but the point is I didn't lie to him and he knows he can always trust me to tell him the truth about everything. But things aren't that clear cut, to me the tooth fairy story is always like that sunshine after the rain thing your tooth came out it hurts but there's someone there who will make it better even if the only way "she" makes it better is to pay you for what you have lost. It doesn't matter that there is no real fairy it's the message behind it.Eventually he will get that i'm the tooth fairy, the easter bunny, father christmas etc and that's fine because a mummy takes on whatever role is the most helpful. I switch between being the one to scold him when he's naughty to the one who kisses him better when he's hurt, so what's a few more roles for me to play. If it means that he believes there's always someone watching out for him that makes it fine with me. He's been talking about Leo again today, he's thinking a lot about him and so am I hate November I feel like the whole month is just leading up to Leo's anniversary and what's worse is I feel like November is the calm before the really stormy time - Christmas. There will never be a Christmas is my lifetime and probably not in Lukas's that isn't clouded by Leo's glaring abscence. It seems worse than any other time because we are so aware that we are only wrapping one set of Christmas presents, we are writing cards out and one name is missing. I hear about christmas miracles everywhere and Christmas wishes and ours is just for one more time to hold him, one more time to touch his skin, one more time to see him as he was before the hospital, just one more moment with him and that wish is never going to come true. I'm truly haunted by the last time I saw him when I held his cold lifeless body in that room, I remember the horrible smell and the way it felt when my fingers slipped inside him because of the careless way that they had stitched his little body back up after the numerous post mortems. I remember all that as clear as day but the only way I can remember what he looked like is to look at the few photos I have of him. More than anything I wish that his image was burnt onto my brain as firmly as the hurt is burnt into my heart.

Why am I the only one whose cold?

I'm sat here with a duvet wrapped around me, a cardigan on and I am still cold while everyone else is telling me I am crazy. Nan even has the back door wide open downstairs!
Do you want to hazard a guess why, yep that's right I am sick again. I was up nearly all night with my stomach hurting again and when I finally got up (about an hour ago) I feel like crap. It's been raining so I am hurting everywhere had to resort to bandaging my right hand up so I can use it because it's so stiff and swollen. The left one is only slightly better but I have lost the other bandage so I am managing with it. I have a slight cough, my eyes are sore and I could quite happily go back to my bed and go back to sleep.

Want to know how I spent my day?

I have been working on my computer, (read I have been busy downloading more digi stash lol) while Mark has been sulking because Sky were doing some maintenance on their end meaning he had no TV. He was so bored he actually did some tidying up he found some carpet! Lukas is currently out with Nan, Lisa, Conor and Ella they have gone to Macdonalds for a treat. So today life is fairly good, except for the pain. I hurt a lot but i'm still happyish amazing what a difference a day makes isn't it.

*Sigh* just another day in the madhouse.

More shouting, more rowing you know just another day in the private hell I call my home!
I would give anything to be able to go to sleep one night, get up the next morning and go for a whole day with no raised voices, accusations or ranting from anyone. I would rather have that than anything else I can think of, even being free from pain. I am so depressed with everything at the moment I just feel like sitting down and crying for hours on end because I am so fed up!

Just shut up for a while!

That's what I have felt like saying all day long to Mark, Nan and Lukas. They are driving me completely mad. Yesterday I was so ill Mark had to stay home from work because I was not capable of looking after Lukas (he'd been up all night because something woke him and he couldn't get back to sleep guess which idiot sat up with him, this kid needs his sleep if he doesn't get it he makes everyone's life a misery) so you have one very sick mummy, one extremely whingy Lukas, one grumpy daddy because he has to look after Lukas and one Nan in a crappy mood because Mark was home from work all day and did nothing. Mark's idea of "looking after" Lukas involves a playstation 2, a dvd player, the disney channels and the making of a sandwich or two. So I kind of had a feeling that today wasn't going to be a good day. We were woken up by Nan calling the mobile to inform us that Gary was going to the rubbish tip and stuff that needed to be thrown away from the shed needed to be got ready, did I mention the call came about 15 minutes before Gary turned up? So she saw that Mark hadn't sorted much out and threw a complete mental there was screaming, shouting and accusations flying left right and centre and when I stumbled down the stairs still half asleep I got the full force of it all. Just like I always do when she's pissed off, even though it has nothing whatsoever to do with me. So then I get Mark bitching about how Nan was going and her bitching about him not doing it and on and on and on. I have sort of reached the point where when they are shouting I know that the only course of action is to stand back and try and ignore them. Trying to help when they are both ranting just gets me screamed at more. Eventually they run out of steam but not today. Nan comes up screaming and crying about the tumble drier, we got a new one incase you are wondering and the old one was put in the shed as a spare. I finally worked out that she was upset because Mark had put something on top of it. When I asked him I got shouted at again because apparently the only thing on it was a box with the drier hose in it on the top and since they need to be kept together he didn't understand what the issue was. The day never got any better, every time I tried to ask Nan if she needed any help with anything, or if there was anything she wanted me to do I got the "I'm so ill, I can't stand up" speech. When I tried to point out that I was offering to do stuff so she wouldn't have to I got shouted at that it was already done. She's a bloody Martyr I swear she does the stuff just so she can moan about doing it! Mark is in a foul mood, Lukas is whinging. Photoshop Elements decided not to work when I was trying to do this weeks tutorial for Kirsty and I have just reached my breaking point today. I just want everyone to shut up and leave me alone for a little while. I'm not feeling well and I just can't cope with everyone's hysteria and blowing everything out of all proportion today. *sigh* some days I just wonder why I bothered to crawl out of bed. I have to make a doctors appointment for this week while Mark is on holiday (he has a week off) because I can't carry on feeling this crappy it makes it impossible to deal with all of the everyday issues. Tomorrow I promise I will make a post that's not so depressing, I know I will talk about Digital Scrapbook Day yesterday and how I made out like a bandit and was in freebie heaven lol. But tonight I am tired and hurting and I need to go to bed, right after I go and threaten my little angel with a one week ban from his playstation if his little butt gets out of that bed again tonight!

Pillowbox pictures and loose teeth

I did mean to post these pictures the other night but I had the camera batteries on charge and I couldn't be bothered to go and get them lol. So here you go Card, Front, Back.

If you want them you can grab them here.

Now I have something else to talk about, my little guy had an accident at school, I don't know exactly what happened he has a bruise on his cheek and one of his teeth is so wobbly I am worried he will swallow it. I'm sad that he's going to lose his first tooth already, I will just have to keep a really close eye on it. *sigh* it's just never ending he's always getting hurt at school I know there's nothing I can do about it but that's never going to stop me wishing that there was. I hate seeing him hurt it makes me feel so helpless.

Happy Halloween

So I know it's not technically Halloween here anymore but since my days run from when I crawl out of my bed until when I fall back in it's still Halloween to me. I got the bright idea to make Halloween Gifts for Lukas's class, I cheated a little and went for premade this year the Smell My Feet Treats Set by Shabby Princess. Last night we sat and printed 30 Halloween Pillowboxes.
But since it was a craft project we hit the inevitable problems we always encounter and I know you are just dying to know what they were lol.
1. The main printer had still not been filled and had no red ink.
2. Mark overfilled the cartridge
3. After cleaning up the mess and placing cartride back in printer no red ink is coming out
4. Resorting to backup annoying printer means longer waits for paper to print.
5. It made the wait longer by running out of blue ink completely.
6. Refill the blue ink cartridge and then mess around trying to make it print as straight as possible since it always prints off centre but with many adjustments the difference is hardly noticeable if you are trimming off excess paper, completely useless if you are going for a full page though which luckily we weren't lol.
7. Find 3 staplers, only staples for 2 of them
8. One of staplers decides to mangle all staples put into it leaving on;y the stiffest one we own.
9. Lose glue stick and luckily manage to borrow one from Nan
10. Try to assemble boxes at 2am when we are both tired and Mark hasn't quite scored them in the right place.
It was lots of fun lol. I made little cards as well they were supposed to fit in the boxes but were slightly too big but after much printing,cutting, gluing, stapling,assembling and stuffing we had a very cute completed project ready for school and here's the important part - THEY WERE ON TIME lol. Lukas took them to school and apparently the kids were thrilled and so were his teachers (they got the same thing different filling). Mark said all the kids were coming out of school this afternoon talking about them, I say that's job well done I love making people happy. Lukas's Buzz Lightyear suit came this evening, he loves it. He said he didn't want to go trick or treating but then changed his mind when Mark went out to the shop, so I took him on my own just around our street. He didn't even do the full street before he decided he was fed up and wanted to go home. He's not really into sweets and chocolate so he was more than content with the little bag he got. Everyone told him to take what he wanted and everytime despite them urging him to take more he only took one. It was very sweet. He loved seeing the kids coming to the door. Nan had a great time handing out sweets and talking to all the little kids, she exhuatsed her sweet supply and used up some of mine. I spent the evening making another 10 pillowboxes for friends and family, there was no way I could have done them last night and they will just think they have been here waiting for them. I'm a little sad that my guest spots with DeDe Smith and Jennifer Schmitt are over but I am excited about my guest spot with Traci Reed for next month. It's Mark's brothers birthday tomorrow, so I have to whip something up a birthday card at the very least. We have had a fairly nice day, my hands are barely usable because of all the cutting last night and today but we made a lot of people smile and for me that's worth the pain in my hands and in my shoulder. It's worth feeling wiped out completely I really need to make a start on the christmas projects, maybe if I spread them out a bit we won't end up making the printer do overtime the day before lol.